I have invalidated my DS's lived experience by having a different opinion on things...

[afishcalledbreanda]

That's it, really. There's been a death in the extended family and my sister and I were reminiscing about our parents (dead a while now) and various aunts and uncles. I lived in the same region as several of my mum's family and kept in touch and visited them (often with my DM) and got to know them quite well when I was in my 20s and 30s. My DS went abroad to study at 18 and was gone for six years, married on her return to the UK and lived 250 miles away from the main core of the elderly family members, so only saw them at weddings and funerals.

She says that these older aunts and uncles cut her out of their lives and now says she feels angry and hurt by their behaviour. I can't remember her mentioning them for years at a time. If she'd wanted to send them a Christmas card or visit them I'd have happily put her in touch. I said to her pretty much what I've said here — that they never really got to know her because she wasn't around, that they always asked about her and her DH and DC, I kept them up to date with the basics of what was going on in her life and I didn't see any ill will or cutting out. I was polite and not argumentative.

She's responded with an angry message saying that I am 'invalidating her lived experience' and that it's not for me to deny her truth. I'm not denying that she feels what she feels and I certainly haven't told her she's wrong. All I've said is that I see it differently and explained why.

She has fairly recently started counselling/ therapy after falling out very badly with her daughter, who's gone NC, and now she's started using what I think of as 'therapy speak'. Ideas, please, for a cheery response that acknowledges that's how she feels but that I'm allowed to see things differently. I can't quite find the words without sounding insincere or without an eye-roll showing.

Recollections may vary is the usual phrase

"Recollections may vary"

Well she sounds like a fairly tricky personality. Nc with her own child and angry and refusing to take responsibility for her own poor relationships with other family.
You can only say what you've said to her-which is in fact 'your truth' and leave it at that. No point in arguing with this sort of person-they are always right and everyone else is always wrong and nothing will convince them otherwise

What about your 'lived experience?' Why is that not as valid as hers?
I'd drop the subject to be honest, and I'd keep low contact in future, she sounds highly strung and I think would always find something wrong with what you say or do.

👍🏼

Personally I would just see your relationships as different with the extended family and not pass comment on what she thinks/feels about her relationship with them. People feel what they feel and nothing you say will change that. There is no point in allowing it to effect your own relationship with your sister.
Now you’ve got this far into it I would say something like ‘I didn’t realise you felt this way, I’m sorry this was your experience’ .
That way you aren’t agreeing with her, but you are also validating her.

God bless QEII for gifting this phrase to the national vernacular before she departed this earth.

It's perfect in this situation.

Though, people who go on about their "truth" and "lived experience" are the sort who seek out and weaponise offence. They're best ignored when they're doing this.

She sounds hard work

If someone used the phrase ‘invalidating my lived experience’ I don’t think I could be bothered talking to them. She sounds like a self centred twat

I would agree with a lot of the phrases and approaches suggested here.

DH has been through something similar with close relatives and recollections do indeed vary. You need a ready list of polite, non confrontational responses which acknowledge her feelings without agreeing with them. Preferably over the phone so she can’t see your eyes rolling repeatedly.

Try and get direct to the nub of it. I doubt her primary complaint is about the older relatives, after all it was her choice to move away. But this argument may be symbolic of feeling adrift in her own life now her dd is nc.

So write a message that acknowledges that. Something along the lines of family support being important and acknowledging that it must have been difficult for her living so far away and that you will always be there for her and you hope you can forge closer ties in future (if you do that is!).

She sounds like someone who has spent her entire life having her feelings minimised and dismissed and is finally saying something.

Even in this post you're falling over yourself to invalidate why she must so clearly be wrong and you must be right.

She feels how she feels.

Just give her some space. Now she knows she can't talk to you she'll hopefully find some supportive friends and work through her issues in therapy and hopefully start to heal and get to a point where she can speak to her daughter and hear what she's done in that relationship, make amends, and they can rebuild their relationship.

It sounds rather like she is trying to find some past event(s) to explain her current ones - kind of like looking for an excuse. "These other people cut me off, my daughter cut me off, it's them not me..." sort of thing.

To be honest, I am not sure that you should respond. I suspect that nothing you say will do anything more than stir up some other reason to be angry with you. She was rude. Pandering to that is just giving her another excuse to say that she isn't the common denominator here.

What did she honestly expect from these relatives? She can't expect quite distant relatives to travel to visit her frequently, when they presumably have thier own DCs/DGCs to think about. Especially if she didn't bother to pick up the phone or send a letter. Seeing them at weddings etc sounds about right in the circumstances.

It sounds like she is looking to start a fight with absolutely anybody at the moment. It's probably best to drop the subject rather than get into an argument with her, she won't see any sense.

I hold a VERY different opinion on our childhood to my sister, we barely speak because we hold each other in contempt.

It's not fixable but don't be us

I'm really sorry that that is your experience should be accepted

I agree that the therapy speak is annoying though! And it is totally meaningless too because if your ds is entitled to “her truth” then everyone else is equally entitled to theirs too!

I think sometimes when you’re raising a child with issues, it forces you to look carefully at your support network and rightly or wrongly, you can feel quite resentful of those around you that seem to have the one you would have liked, and question the reasons.

I think therapy gives people the unfortunate impression that any twaddle they choose to give voice to is interesting and meaningful and must be listened to with reverence. I'm supportive of therapy but I don't like how it spills into everyday interactions.

In your shoes I'd say something like 'you obviously see things differently to me' but ultimately don't fall out over it. She's clearly got a theory in her head about how the dynamics of your family work and you're not going to jolt her out of that any time soon.

“Invalidating my lived experience”.

I’m not even sure I know what that means!

However, it does seem that if she lived a distance away from relatives, and made no effort to keep in contact with them, then the relationship will be weaker as a result.

I guess by response, if any, would be that we’d have to agree to differ on what went on, and north viewpoints are valid.

I’m not even sure I know what that means!

It basically means "however I choose to interpret something, no matter how factually inaccurate or how unfair to other people, must be validated and you can't disagree with me".

I can't quite find the words without sounding insincere or without an eye-roll showing.

Really? I can't think why 🙄

She sounds very hard work. She's gone NC with her own DC? FFS. Do you need this kind of nonsense in your life OP?

I think I'd say 'Okay, look you and I remember things differently, that's all. You have your recollections and I have mine. Neither invalidates the other, but since we can't agree, I suggest we leave it at that'.

I'd ask her why she thinks her recollection of events is different to yours, what she thinks your relatives could have done differently and ask her if she's reflected on what she might have done differently.

No response required. You are not a therapist, she has one. Let the trained therapist help her unpack her feelings.

No idea wtf it means, but someone who uses the phrase "invalidating my lived experience" is automatically a twat and should be treated as such 😉

'I'm sorry that's how it was for you, lucky we can see each other and move on x ' that's what I would say as I don't feel the need to assert my view above someone else's - doesn't change anything for me, doesn't continue a fight. She's not criticising your behaviour to her so no need to 'win'