For those who've experienced cheating...

[Oregaknow]

I left my long term boyfriend a little while ago.

He was unfaithful a couple of years ago, and while I was absolutely destroyed by it, I gave reconciliation a chance.

It completely failed.

We ended up angry, bitter and miserable.

I am just sitting here, deep in thought, putting the issue to bed in my mind so I can move forward.

I think being unfaithful is generally an instant deal breaker, but there were extenuating circumstances that made me agree to give reconciliation a chance.

I set boundaries from day one of the expectations I had for there to be any hope of a fresh start.

That list was...

1. Total transparency from here on in, one lie and I'm leaving.

1. Answer all my questions fully and frankly with evidence (phone passwords etc) if I feel I need them.

1. No going out drinking anywhere that OW frequents (particularly important as they shared mutual drinking buddies)

1. Ending all contact, with me present, with OW and blocking her on all social media. Any contact ever again, and I'm leaving.

1. Sort yourself out. Something obviously led you to this series of decisions and you claim its you being "damaged from childhood" so see a therapist and sort yourself out so you can become a safe partner in future.

1. Show, moving forward, that all your decisions are made with my wellbeing in mind. Never again put me in harms way, or I am leaving.

As I'm sitting here reflecting on that list, I think if he'd done everything on it, willingly and happily, that we would have made it through. He unfortunately didn't.

Most of all, I don't think he ever fully "got it". I think guilt and shame and self pity overtook him and that prevented true accountability and empathy from existing.

I'm wondering to those who have been cheated on and stated- what made the difference? What enabled you to successfully rebuild? Or what made you leave in the end?

Firstly, as someone who has experienced the same scenario, I'm sorry you went through this as well.

I allowed my husband the chance at reconciliation too but he paid lip service to it and pretended to follow through on the rules I'd set. Turns out he was still cheating with the OW, who was a partner of his friend (what a guy). He just managed to become even more sneaky and lied even more convincingly.

From what I've seen, unless the cheater shows genuine remorse then it won't work. Genuine remorse = action, not words. Unless they are literally trying everything possible, which tbf you've laid the path out exactly for him, it won't work.

Cheaters are broken inside. They've contributed massively to the breakdown of the relationship. So much more than they care to admit because cheating in itself requires you to have the ability to compartmentalise your behaviour. And this is behaviour that will traumatise the people around you who likely love you and have shown you loyalty (wife, partner, family).

I believe all cheaters need therapy and yes there are levels to this as a drunken one night stand is worlds apart from an ongoing affair.

But our reconciliation failed spectacularly because my husband wouldn't work on himself. He believed he wasn't to blame and the affair was my fault because since I had DC, I wasn't the same person apparently and wasn't able to give him the attention he needs. Going through PND alone, when he was cheating, will change a person funnily enough.

But you will get through this OP, with the support of friends, family and those who care for you. In time, you'll see it to be the best thing to have happened.

I don't think setting those boundaries was wrong I just know I couldn't be in a relationship where I needed to set those boundaries.

I tried once when I was younger and it was just awful, I didn't trust him and I was right not to. It wasn't the right relationship for me.

With my husband, while I don't believe he would 'never cheat' as I'm not sure that's realistic. But I trust him to try and do the right thing in our relationship.

My feeling is that if you have to set those rules then you might as well not bother. I mean, look at your list. How realistic is it that either party is going to stick to those or that they aren't going to cause resentment down the line - to you, that you have to do all this stuff, and to him, that he's being controlled so rigidly for the rest of the relationship. Look at number 6 - how are you even going to start with defining what you mean by this? were you going to be assessing everything he did in terms of your well-being and what does that even mean?

Sorry, but I'm not surprised he couldn't abide by that list, whatever he'd done.

I'm sorry this happened to you @FerociousGerbil 😔.

In my case he didn't blame me, he blamed himself completely but the accountability sat heavy on him. Instead of working on himself, he was unable to - too scared. He tried for a bit but then miraculously developed other things that were a convenient barrier.

He broke no contact with OW several times, he resented not being able to go out drinking with the same people and he lied again a couple of times. About small things, but I wasn't able to regain respect for him.

As he bit by bit failed to live up to my boundaries, he got angrier and more frustrated that I wasn't "over it". For me, that wasn't possible without complete accountability and like you say doing anything he could.

What he did instead was demonstate his "love". Giving me things. Spending all his time with me. Emotional support. Holidays. Doing nice things for me. He tried very hard to make amends, but not really by doing the things I actually asked for.

I feel a lot of pity towards him now. He's broken really, but I realise as you say he always was. I'm really sad for him that he didn't get some help.

I really just fancied chatting with people who've been through the same. It changed my life and yet feels such a lonely experience!

When I found out, reconciliation was not an option. I read emails he'd written to his OW in which he told her he had never even wanted children. That was not true, but the fact he even said it was so disloyal to the children that I could not have spent any more time than was necessary in the same room as him.
When it's so obvious what you have to do, that makes it a lot easier to leave.

People often say that they can't trust their new partners easily, later, but I didn't feel that way. I felt like I'd got through it once and so I could get through it again if they did cheat. I was past the family-building stage so more independent anyway. My current partner is not your angelic type but I reckon he's more considerate than my ex and would not mess me around as much if he fancied someone else. I'm a lot happier with him.

I don't think it's possible to move past it and maintain a healthy relationship personally.

I think for it to work, the person cheated on has to have full control of the relationship, by putting in place massive boundaries, and affording the cheater no privacy. (Just like you did OP, and I'm not blaming you for that, as you said it was the only way you could continue the relationship)

I think pretty much anyone will eventually bristle at that level of control, and start pushing at the boundaries, even if they really do accept the blame for what they've done and desperately want the relationship to continue.

I just think that once the trust is gone, there's no way of putting it back together, and you're left with a shell of a relationship rather than the real thing.

It depends on who you are as a person too. I could never take back a cheat. I'm just not capable of loving, trusting or respecting them again.
I don't know anyone who has taken back a cheater that hasn't been cheated on again.

I stayed with my husband of many years even though he had been having a long term affair. I didn't discover it all at once and he kept lying and obfuscating. Now nearly 5 years after I found out, I wish that we had just separated, but feel that he is finally trying to change now and finally valuing our marriage. The whole process has broken both of us so much that we don't have anything left but one another. It is horrible.

@Greenfinch7 how do you feel its broken you both? I feel similarly and think it was basically:

Me: just drowned in sadness and anger and the compounded pain that there were things he could have done to help and didn't.

Him: just drowned in self loathing and guilt while feeling inadequate to resolve it.

As for those commenting on my rules, it was never intended to be permanent. He got his privacy back once I felt completely sure there were no more lies.

He was free to go where he wanted, when he wanted but I wasn't going to accept him being around OW socially.

As far as I was concerned, if he didn't like it he should have been faithful.

I lost faith in myself as well as him because I felt I never knew myself. I used to think I was a perceptive, thoughtful, sincere and compassionate person, but how can that be true when I didn't have a clue who my husband of 30 years really was? My best friend of 35 years also dumped me a year or two after I found out about my husband's affair, which broke me even more, as I felt she knew me truly, so her rejection was a damning of everything essential about me.

My husband was broken because his sense of pride in himself was gone, his adult children distanced themselves from him because they despised his actions, and his sense of himself was terribly diminished... it had depended on feeling that he had a 'live and let live' attitude to other people, an ethic of hard work and consistency and dependability, and a sense of humour that included teasing and making fun of certain things that he just couldn't make fun of any more. His humour and sharpness have gone- no lustre or twinkle left.

@Oregaknow - Thank you so much. My heart breaks for anyone who has been on the receiving end of a cheater's abuse. Because that's what it is abuse. The mental gymnastics a cheater does in their mind to justify their behaviour is pathetic. He broke NC with the OW which says it all. My ex did the exact same.

My ex portrayed a picture to the world that he was this great dad and husband but behind closed doors it was the opposite. He was such a charlatan. I did everything at home including 95% of looking after our DC. He almost suddenly changed and started acting differently towards me (being horrible and verbally & emotionally abusive) about 6/7 years ago and on reflection sabotaged our marriage. It was so sneaky how he went about it. Turns out, he was cheating the entire time with multiple women before the one I caught him with. Gaslit me to believe it was my fault too. I became a version of myself I didn't recognise but now I see clearly that he's just a broken, pathetic loser who'll spend the rest of his life unhappy. I pity him now. And I pity the next woman who falls for his superficial charm before realising who he really is.

Without integrity a man isn't a man in my opinion. The same applies equally for women. That's the basic minimum requirement for a relationship. Lies, gaslighting, not accepting blame, minimising, deflecting - no one wants to live that life. You'll find someone who has the same moral compass as you do, and you'll be astonished that you settled for less.

I spent far too much time analysing why he cheated and why he was acting this way and not enough time running away in the opposite direction. You need to work on yourself and understand why you settled for less and how to never do that again in the future. Treat yourself like you would treat your best friend or sibling in the same circumstance.

@Greenfinch7 I physically felt your post. Thank you. This all sounds familiar, and I'm so sorry

Thank you- I haven't actually said that to anyone before, so I deeply appreciate your compassion

Yeah I think relationships can recover if you love each other and those sorts of rules are adhered to. I knew about an affair but was told it was some random woman. I told him if I found out anymore lies, even a small one then I’d be gone, as I needed the truth to move on. I then found out it was actually his best mates wife. At that moment I checked out of the relationship completely.

My ex-H was a serial cheat although I didn't realise until after we separated. He had a job that took him away regularly so had freedom for infidelity.

He used the script to end our marriage and a few weeks after he left I found out he was having an affair with my friend.

Until I found out who the OW was I was willing to take him back but once I knew I also realised there was no going back.

It was absolutely devastating at the time. Like a pp I thought I was perceptive and sensitive to others' feelings. It was a massive blow to my self esteem and confidence that I was so ignorant and not only didn't know my husband of 20 years at all but was also wrong in my choice of friend.

It took many years for me to regain my faith in people and be able to trust again. Long story short they did me a favour by removing themselves from my life and since then my life has just got better and better.

I'm so sorry all.

This affair happened when we were "long distance" and the sad part is I did know. I noticed the obvious: he was less available, he wasn't replying to messages. So I asked him outright and he denied it.

I thought so much of him, regarded him so highly, that when he denied it, I completely believed him. Not even a nagging doubt, just completely took his word as solid.

Having someone you love lie to your face convincingly is a highly traumatic thing to experience. It takes a long time to recover from. You are a trusting person OP and that's an admirable trait. The lying is on him.

I believed mine again and again; each time he lied I still believed and trusted until finally it changed me from inside- another reason I feel broken by the whole thing.

I'm so sorry. It messed with your sense of self in ways it takes years to understand doesn't it?

I have recently found out that my DP has been in contact with his ex. While not a physical affair (as far as I know) I think its an emotional one.
He had promised me back in March that he'd blocked her on phone and WhatsApp but apparently has been unblocking, talking with her and reblocking and deleting his call logs.
I don't think we can rebuild trust.
Those of you who mentioned setting boundaries after discovering an affair, how did you ever trust they were being adhered to?

@AreWeThereYet69

The short answer is: you just know.

I listed boundaries I'd set and largely my boyfriend was pretty honest with me (he pretty much directly told me he had "run into OW and ended up talking to her", so I didn't really deal with much ongoing deception.

However, you just know if they are giving their all to repairing things with you. If you don't feel he's giving it everything and doing everything you ask as well as generously supporting your hurt feelings, then you will feel rage!

In my case I understood why it had happened- long distance, long separation, loneliness- but it's really key for him to understand his "why" and explain it to you. There's a reason he was doing this. Make sure he digs really deep to answer that question.

We don't ever really know who's telling us the truth, but he's blown all trust out of the water. You can't believe, sadly, anything he says.

Let him work to earn back trust and when you know, you know.

All feelings of wanting to stay with my cheating partner vanished when I caught him phoning the OW to check to see if she was ok. Not once in the months after I discovered him cheating did he care about how I felt, he expected me to stop talking about it, to be happy that he was with me and to carry on as normal. Still in the same house, living separate lives.

I thought I was soooo streetwise and cool turns out I was a naive chump. I saw it was told they were seen but didn't believe it...I believed he was giving her a lift to work but she was sat in the car all day whilst he worked. I saw him drive to the garage to park then saw them walk up the road he kissed her goodnight...still he gas lighted me..how the fuck did I not see it? Wet marks on the passenger seat supposedly cleared up vomit..time and time again he denied it..we split up and he denied it. All our friends knew, everyone knew but me..until I saw them together..awful awful time

Here’s another story for you:

My long long time (years) DP cheated on me twice last year 2022.

Spring and later summer.
We are senior citizens.

OLD at the root of it. We’ve never lived together so he had plenty of opportunity. I have never had a desire to live with a man again after a very challenging marriage and our arrangement has always been mutually agreeable. It still is.

Last spring DP was on death’s door in hospital when I discovered his OLD profile and kissy kissy emails to random women. I think he met up with one of them. I was in the impossible position of not being able to walk away whilst he was in ICU and when he was discharged I continued to nurse him at home for weeks. He had no other support. Useless kids. He just brushed off his emotional infidelity, we talked and moved on.
My boundaries were blurred.

Last summer I discovered that whilst my back was turned after a row about something unrelated, he’d met up with and got to know another woman and taken her away to a high cost 5 star hotel for 3 nights. OLD again! Spent an absolute fortune. I now know the bill shocked him! He’s a love bombing fast-worker that’s for sure.

My spidey sense told me something was up but I ignored it and kept fingers crossed. I eventually found the proof I needed. He was rubbish at covering his tracks. (Receipts in our bedroom rubbish bin, car park tickets in his car etc.)

We are still together mainly because he is so contrite and sorry. We’ve worked through it but from time to time I ask about it and he shuts me down. That’s when I hate him most. OW is history. I’m sure of that.

Our relationship is stable now albeit this time last year I was distraught. We’re good together and have fun but part of me will always hate him. I’ll never love him like I used to, ever again. Misplaced loyalty is what’s kept me with him.

We are not young and facing old age alone fills me with dread. He knows he doesn’t deserve my loyalty but I soldier on. There’s no more chances and he knows that too.

I don't think your list is reasonable though. It's reasonable that that's what you wanted but it's not reasonable to be expected to live like that. Even if he did deserve it, it's no way to live. If you're going to move on and stay together, you need to move on, which of course you can't because you know he can't be trusted.