For those who've experienced cheating...

[Oregaknow]

I left my long term boyfriend a little while ago.

He was unfaithful a couple of years ago, and while I was absolutely destroyed by it, I gave reconciliation a chance.

It completely failed.

We ended up angry, bitter and miserable.

I am just sitting here, deep in thought, putting the issue to bed in my mind so I can move forward.

I think being unfaithful is generally an instant deal breaker, but there were extenuating circumstances that made me agree to give reconciliation a chance.

I set boundaries from day one of the expectations I had for there to be any hope of a fresh start.

That list was...

1. Total transparency from here on in, one lie and I'm leaving.

1. Answer all my questions fully and frankly with evidence (phone passwords etc) if I feel I need them.

1. No going out drinking anywhere that OW frequents (particularly important as they shared mutual drinking buddies)

1. Ending all contact, with me present, with OW and blocking her on all social media. Any contact ever again, and I'm leaving.

1. Sort yourself out. Something obviously led you to this series of decisions and you claim its you being "damaged from childhood" so see a therapist and sort yourself out so you can become a safe partner in future.

1. Show, moving forward, that all your decisions are made with my wellbeing in mind. Never again put me in harms way, or I am leaving.

As I'm sitting here reflecting on that list, I think if he'd done everything on it, willingly and happily, that we would have made it through. He unfortunately didn't.

Most of all, I don't think he ever fully "got it". I think guilt and shame and self pity overtook him and that prevented true accountability and empathy from existing.

I'm wondering to those who have been cheated on and stated- what made the difference? What enabled you to successfully rebuild? Or what made you leave in the end?

I honestly think that most people who cheat in the first place aren't capable of abiding by that list of yours.

Hence it would be a dealbreaker for me. Every time. In my books there is no such thing as 'extenuating circumstances'.

Unlike many things in life which I see in subtle shades of grey, cheating for me is black and white. Always.

I found out about my husband's affair last December. It was the wife of a friend and the affair went on under my nose for several months while he lied and gaslighted.

Currently, he is adhering willingly to everything on the OP's list plus some others. I'm not sure if we'll ultimately survive his infidelity, but I'm willing to give him the opportunity to repair the rupture as long as those conditions are met.

Cheating is the choice of a weak, emotionally immature person with a whole host of issues to work on. My husband is one of those rare people who is (currently) proving himself capable of true remorse and commitment to change. I'm actually genuinely proud of him in how he's behaved since the disclosure.

How do you know though? I don't mean to shoot you down, I'm genuinely interested. He's a gas lighter, how would you know if he's not genuinely complying?

@Ihaveoflate

Much respect to you. I know only too well of the trauma you've endured, and the resilience and strength you're showing now. I really hope you get wonderful results and that your husband treasures you and realises how generous you've been.

@FerociousGerbil I know exactly what you mean about the change. My stbxh was just vicious when he was seeing someone else.

I remember he was working in London during lockdown and had to stay there for weeks. He called up the dcs every day. Called me up to say, "I don't want to speak to you for a week, you bitch." And lots of other choice words. Turns out he was shagging some 24 year old girl in his expensive flat in London that we couldn't afford. . Lots of other examples of vile abuse too that I am really really struggling with. I think he takes pleasure in my pain.

He is a truly disgusting human being with a deformed and dark personality who claims he is now a reformed character and asked me recently if I was certain I wanted to go ahead with the divorce.

Thank you. Your last paragraph is very timely warning.

Awful to read so many of these stories 😞 mines a cracker. Devoted wife raising two dc both diagnosed with autism from age 4&5 alone whilst my H worked overseas. A move we agreed would be for a fixed period of time to save and make a better future .. never did I expect to discover a whilst double life. Not once but twice! He claims it was just sex, took these women on massively lavish holidays whilst I figured out how to pay the increasing house costs on my part time salary-only asking for money when absolutely necessary (thinking we were saving). No access to financial and very limited contact (it dwindled away to once a week) still came home every other month to f*ck his wife. Honestly the level of deceit is off the scale, I trusted him and he basically destroyed me whilst still pretending to be a doting husband - clearly not. I tried to get past it, drank wine to block it out and developed ptsd. I'll never trust another living soul and eventually walked away from everything for my own mental health as I was basically trapped took me 5 years and I regret not binning him the day all the lies unfolded. I think unless you've been on the receiving end you just don't get how it messes with your head! Me and the DC have a lovely new house and each other, it's made us stronger and I've taught them that that sort of behaviour is never acceptable. Ironically his own father did the same to his mother for 30 years.. she kindly told me this once I'd been destroyed.

@rockingbird

I didn't share all that much info in my op as it wasn't really relevant to my question, but I wanted to share this with you.

My situation was different because we hadn't had kids together, and were not yet married, but to begin with I also have an autistic DC (all grown up and flown the nest now!)

My BF had also gone abroad for work and I'd stayed home for my DC. The plan being he'd make us some money for our future together.

Similarly I did, basically in effect, discover a double life.

So like you I was home, being Mum, being responsible and faithful while he was off in la la land with someone else and I had absolutely no idea.

I just wanted to tell you so you know you're not alone. It really does mess with your head and no one understands. I too have PTSD from it, and the toll it took was such a heavy burden.

Understandable really that I left after I felt he wasn't moving heaven and earth to repair it all.

I raised my DC mostly alone. Waited until they were much older before "dating" again and really thought I'd met "the one" and we had a beautiful future.

He's never been able to really grasp the damage he did. He's tried, but he just can't. I feel bad for him now, because I genuinely believe he loves me.

Still now I'm getting messages to say how sorry he is, that I can come home anytime, that he doesn’t feel able to imagine the world without me in it.

It's a sad business for all involved.

I do think these things can heal, but the person who did it has to be capable or real change and some people just can't.

Sliding doors eh?

I'm in the position where I forgave XHs cheating twice.

The first time I found out, I chose to work towards forgiving him. He was so contrite, his actions proved his words, he lived up to a similar type of list as yours OP that he insisted he lived by to show me he was being faithful. He did all he could to win me back. The trust slowly returned.

When I found out he cheated again, I reluctantly chose to work towards forgiving him. But his attitude was completely different this time around. He didn't work as hard to earn my forgiveness. His actions were far less honest. He didn't spoil me with love this time round. We never fixed properly.

When I discovered he'd cheated for a third time, I was done. The laughable thing was that the list he insisted got put in place to help guard his behaviour and I reluctantly had to monitor the first time round was one of the things he threw in my face during the divorce as evidence of my coercive and controlling behaviour towards him. Just laughable.

Whichever PP said that the hardest part is them lying to your face repeatedly is spot on. I asked directly "are you cheating on me again?" a few times. Every time it was gaslit away. And then I presented the evidence.

Years on, I can see his childhood trauma that caused his behaviour so clearly. But he had no courage to face up to it in our 22+ years together, despite me pointing out how much counselling would help him face the demons. It was far easier to blame all his shit on my perceived wrongdoings, and think I'd pushed him into cheating because of how he perceived I treated him.

Who knows, I may even feel sorry for him one day in the long distant future. But I doubt it.

The reality is, there are a significant number of people (men and women) who completely lack honesty, loyalty and integrity and if you have unfortunately partnered up with one of these people, somewhere down the line you will suffer.
Of course, the big problem is recognising you are with someone like this as they are very clever at concealing their character flaws. My wife did this for 10 years until she was finally caught out and then announced she hadn’t been happy for a long time and left the marriage. Now, if you have been lying and cheating for 10 years it’s obvious you weren’t happy and never could be in that marriage, so why not end it before you engage on years of lying and deceit, that has caused immense pain to all the family.

.

I'll come in here and stick my head above the parapet as someone who cheated and whose DH wanted to stay together.

I could not and would not have agreed to the conditions, it's no way to live. I understand the reasons because the trust is broken but nobody is happy in that scenario. I was the one to leave the marriage in the end because I wasn't going to be happy being tracked and checked on constantly (even though, yes, it was my own fault) and I also knew it would drive the other person absolutely crazy, reading in to every little thing.

I don't think many people - the cheater or the cheated - can take a relationship back to where it was before.

As a side note, I also am very sceptical of people who say their cheating partners are complying with rules and conditions because I've been on the other side of the fence, and where there is a will, there is definitely a way.

@hereforthetea would you define yourself as someone who is perfectly happy to what should the opportunity or temptation arise? A type, if you will.

I'm just curious because of the saying, once a cheater always a cheater. You either are or you aren't one.

That's a fair enough question @BlastedPimples but no, I cheated, but I wouldn't define myself as a cheater. It wasn't opportunist which maybe makes it worse, but for me, it was about the person I cheated with and there's only one of him so I know I would never cheat again. It doesn't interest me, it wasn't a particularly happy time - it was extremely stressful and full of angst and worry and anxiety (as it should be!). I was never tempted to cheat before him and I can honestly say hand on heart I believe I never would again.

Me and my partner have both cheated on each other at different points for different reasons.

We split for a few months but got back together and have been together 5 years since and have a child now.

The thing that has helped us stay together is that we 'drew a line under it'. So we don't drag up the past when we're in an argument etc. that was the only rule we agreed to mutually and we have 100% stuck to this.

Other than that we naturally deleted the person we cheated with off all social media/cut all contact and became much better at communicating with each other without being explicitly asked to do so.

I can see definitely see how it could be a deal breaker but there are ways to make it work if there is love between you.

The thing that has helped us stay together is that we 'drew a line under it'. So we don't drag up the past when we're in an argument etc. that was the only rule we agreed to mutually and we have 100% stuck to this.

That bit is key I think. I knew that it would be dragged up and thrown in my face forever (not saying that isn't right!) but a relationship like that is never going to work.

I think if you, as the cheated on spouse, make a choice to stay in the relationship then you have to be willing to draw a line and move on - and I don't think that is easy at all.

I made my list at the start.

it was.

1. if you cheat, I will leave you.

There were no other rules.

He still cheated!

I left him the night he admitted it and that was that. He begged, cried, basically the usual bullshit. I didn’t want to listen so I left him and moved on. His children were 2 years old and 4 years. He has missed so much of their lives as I moved back to where my family were and he lost interest over time.

Reading this is making me feel a bit sick as I’ve got a horrid feeling mine has cheated and is heading that way again but I can’t stack up the evidence at the moment. We’ve been together 12 years but right now I feel like I hardly know him. We’re arguing a lot then he’ll blame me then suck up to me. So confused and hope I’m wrong

This is my advice based on my experience. If you suspect you are being cheated on, whatever you do don’t approach your partner and announce your suspicions.
If you can, keep a cool head (incredibly difficult, but necessary) until such a time as you feel confident you have sufficient evidence, even then don’t reveal what that evidence is or how you acquired it. Cheaters always deny it and gaslight you, normally by questioning your sanity or acting hurt that you would suggest such a thing and they then continue their cheating, being far more careful covering their tracks. If you have been in the marriage or relationship a long time intuition or, if you like, gut instinct is often right. Had I been in possession of this advice I undoubtedly would have saved myself a lot of pain and suffering. I personally believe it is very rare to suspect a partner of cheating who isn’t.
People who cheat make countless excuses for why they did it, but ninety-nine times out of a hundred there are no justifiable reasons, if you are not happy with the person you’re with leave and then start your new relationship. Show some integrity.

Yea my sanity and mental health is currently to blame for my ridiculous suspicions but I would still rather believe I’m insane than think he’d do this to me I thought I knew him

I was cheated on. He wouldn’t have accepted any rules and I didn’t attempt to impose any. The marriage limped on for another several years, I had a breakdown and then finally managed to leave. There was a lot more going on besides infidelity though.

The only marriage I ever knew that survived cheating was a male colleague of mine. He told me he’d argued with his DP, not wife at the time, but they later married, and he went out, got drunk and had a one night stand. He said he woke up the next morning totally disgusted with himself and immediately went home and told his DP. He also said “if this isn’t something you can get over then I want to split up right now and move on because I am not going to spend years with it hanging over us. I won’t cheat again, I hated myself for it but now it’s up to you”. She forgave him, he said it was never mentioned again and pretty shortly after they got married. They’ve got grown up children now and have been together for almost 30 years. I don’t know if he cheated again, I never heard anything, but they seem very happy together. I know that story will make some people reading this thread angry but I am not sure that it was a bad way to handle it tbh.

If someone is caught having an affair I don’t think there is any chance of reconciliation, they may pay lip service to the idea ,but bear in mind they were caught, they didn’t confess. Someone who confesses and has genuine remorse has a better chance of repairing the relationship, but even then it will involve a huge amount of careful work and nothing is guaranteed.