Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

What to do online date?

87 replies

Shonamadash · 10/09/2023 23:37

1st post...matched online few weeks ago, gave his number then deleted profile! Met few days later for coffee then twice in the following week I went to his place.says he's looking to meet someone & not a fwb thing.we text every day, get on great on dates .now I know we're not exclusive & it's too early for that but my friend just messaged me today saying she saw him active on dating app.so he's deleted it after giving me his number then made a new 1 & obviously blocked me from seeing it.i hadn't deleted mine yet but mentioned to him I hadn't been on them. I know he's quite entitled to still be on them but weirded out that he's blocked me from seeing him.thoughts on what to do?both early 40s.no judge remarks about sex too soon thanks it's done.

OP posts:
Original poster
Shonamadash · 11/09/2023 11:42

He's messaged saying hope you have a good day at work so I replied you too.

OP posts:
harerunner · 11/09/2023 11:47

If you're not exclusive, and think it's too early for that, then what's your problem?

However, I feels like you actually do want to be exclusive, but don't want to come across as "needy". Otherwise you wouldn't have started this thread!

It's not needy to want and expect exclusivity after you've been on a number of dates and started having sex with someone... It's normal and healthy in fact.

hev126 · 11/09/2023 11:56

She just doesn't want to be deceived. It's not setting good foundations for a potential relationship that should be based on trust.

Nothing wrong with dating around, just don't give the impression you're not 🤷🏻‍♀️

Original poster
Shonamadash · 11/09/2023 12:15

My problem is the deceit so early on in this thing! He's online looking for dates but blocked me from seeing his profile.as I said we're both entitled to date others at thus point.its the sneakiness I don't like.

OP posts:
Hoosemover · 11/09/2023 12:38

At least you have been made aware of the situation. Don’t waste anymore of your time.

Think you dodge a bullet.

harerunner · 11/09/2023 12:49

Shonamadash · 11/09/2023 12:15

My problem is the deceit so early on in this thing! He's online looking for dates but blocked me from seeing his profile.as I said we're both entitled to date others at thus point.its the sneakiness I don't like.

I still don't get the issue. Where's the deceit here? Why does you still having access to his Tinder profile matter at all? What has he deceived you about? It makes no sense.

You both used each other's profile to match and it's done its job. I can see why he wouldn't want redundant Tinder profiles clogging up his account. I rarely if ever looked at someone's Tinder profile again once I've been on a date.

harerunner · 11/09/2023 12:51

In other words, how would having access to his profile change anything? You'd still be non-exclusive either way!

RocketIceLollie · 11/09/2023 13:01

I dunno. In a male case it seems to be on here generally if a guy is multiple dating then he's scum of the earth but in a female case if a woman is multiple dating then she is fine to seek out options. It's therefore difficult to say what to do really. Just go with your gut instinct I suppose if you think multiple dating if for you or not.

toomanyleggings · 11/09/2023 13:06

Honestly. You’re flogging a dead horse. He won’t be interested in you. It’s unusual for men to be serious in scenarios like this where sex has happened very soon. You’d be wise to stop contact and move on to someone else and perhaps go more slowly if you’re looking for a relationship next time.

Whattodowithit88 · 11/09/2023 13:16

Cake and eat it type. Wants the women to be exclusive with him whilst he lies about the same and goes off with other women too. Met a guy like this, asked him why he was like that, he said “because I can” tells you all you need to know about his type. Throw him back, he was never serious about you.

MariePaperRoses · 11/09/2023 13:36

toomanyleggings · 11/09/2023 13:06

Honestly. You’re flogging a dead horse. He won’t be interested in you. It’s unusual for men to be serious in scenarios like this where sex has happened very soon. You’d be wise to stop contact and move on to someone else and perhaps go more slowly if you’re looking for a relationship next time.

It might not be a popular opinion but the from what I read online about dating it seems that many men will often try and have sex early on and if the woman obliges they put her in the 'only good for a shag' category and will carry on looking for someone who is relationship material.

Hypocritical and double standards but that does seem to be the way it goes.

anotherdisaster · 11/09/2023 13:55

The fact he unmatched your friend after she said she was chatting to others just shows his double standards here. Its ok for him to do it, but not her? Being active on the apps wouldn't concern me massively this early on but, let's be honest here - if he was super keen on you, he wouldn't be on the apps frantically swiping at 5am. He is hedging his bets.
If this were me, I would just block his number and move on. Calling him out just shows you're bothered and he won't care. Blocking him without saying anything will frustrate him though!

Original poster
Shonamadash · 11/09/2023 14:38

I'd expect someone to still be dating or active on apps I chose not to as can't be bothered multi chats anymore! He pays for app so saw straight away my friend liked him.did the usual here's my number I hate this app squeal! Not going to message him the test of today till I decide whether to day something or just delete him.

OP posts:
harerunner · 11/09/2023 14:49

anotherdisaster · 11/09/2023 13:55

The fact he unmatched your friend after she said she was chatting to others just shows his double standards here. Its ok for him to do it, but not her? Being active on the apps wouldn't concern me massively this early on but, let's be honest here - if he was super keen on you, he wouldn't be on the apps frantically swiping at 5am. He is hedging his bets.
If this were me, I would just block his number and move on. Calling him out just shows you're bothered and he won't care. Blocking him without saying anything will frustrate him though!

How is it double standards unless he told her not to delete her profile!... And given he's deleted his, he'd never know!

There's a lot of projection here that has nothing to do with the OP. Lots of posters understandably wouldn't be happy with an non-exclusive arrangement with a man they were having sex with....

But this is the case with the OP! She has said she wouldn't expect exclusivity yet!

I still can't see the deceit here - ffs, they're not exclusive! The worst that can be levelled at the guy is that his behaviour is a bit odd or unusual.

sodthesodoff · 11/09/2023 15:14

Shonamadash · 11/09/2023 14:38

I'd expect someone to still be dating or active on apps I chose not to as can't be bothered multi chats anymore! He pays for app so saw straight away my friend liked him.did the usual here's my number I hate this app squeal! Not going to message him the test of today till I decide whether to day something or just delete him.

I don't get your angst

He's not worth it. Sounds like he does this a lot. You're not going to make him squirm. He's not going to care less. You're literally one of many to him

Block him. Or call him a Twat then block him. Either way don't hang around waiting for a response which I think is what you want to do. You're not going to get a response that will satisfy you.

Original poster
Shonamadash · 11/09/2023 15:27

He's not deleted his profile he gave the impression he did by possibly unmatching me & blocking me as a contact.there was no need for him to do this after 1 day of chatting. I don't get this!
The dates are not just sex. Find it sh!tty he's messaging me last night I can't wait to see you again yet online at 5am unknowingly matched with my friend.
Think I'm going to wait til next time I see him then outright ask him if he's sleeping with others as my friend came across his profile I'd assume he was & I can decide where to go from there.

OP posts:
sodthesodoff · 11/09/2023 15:58

Shonamadash · 11/09/2023 15:27

He's not deleted his profile he gave the impression he did by possibly unmatching me & blocking me as a contact.there was no need for him to do this after 1 day of chatting. I don't get this!
The dates are not just sex. Find it sh!tty he's messaging me last night I can't wait to see you again yet online at 5am unknowingly matched with my friend.
Think I'm going to wait til next time I see him then outright ask him if he's sleeping with others as my friend came across his profile I'd assume he was & I can decide where to go from there.

Oh my god

After all this you're giving him another chance...

Well he's shown you who he is. Good luck with that

Original poster
Shonamadash · 11/09/2023 16:31

Not giving him another chance at all I'd rather ask him face to face than a message.he can ignore like a coward.

OP posts:
sodthesodoff · 11/09/2023 16:39

Shonamadash · 11/09/2023 16:31

Not giving him another chance at all I'd rather ask him face to face than a message.he can ignore like a coward.

You said you can decide where to go from there. So that's presuming it hinges on what he says

Ultimately he was saying he was off the apps and wasn't. He blocked you so you couldn't see his activity. He was sending you sweet texts whilst matching with your mate (and others) and arranging to meet up

What can he say to mitigate that?

Why even give him more head space.

exDHisatwat · 11/09/2023 16:42

Why not play him at his own game? If you get on well and the sex was good you could keep seeing him, but also stay on dating apps and keep your options open. No need to tell him you're doing that though.

nomoreacorns · 11/09/2023 16:42

He’s clearly looking to be seeing multiple women at once. Whilst pretending to the women that they are the only one. He’s a fraudster.

Original poster
Shonamadash · 11/09/2023 16:57

he said he was logging out as it was crazy! didn't mention deleting app.
@exDHisatwat Good idea haha
Feel like I've just wasted more time on another fckboy!

OP posts:
sodthesodoff · 11/09/2023 17:01

Shonamadash · 11/09/2023 16:57

he said he was logging out as it was crazy! didn't mention deleting app.
@exDHisatwat Good idea haha
Feel like I've just wasted more time on another fckboy!

So the rest is okay then?

Well alright. You do you.

thatwassociopathic · 11/09/2023 17:09

I think you need to have a conversation with him. I don't want people I've matched with to see I'm online, he owes you nothing at this point and so many matches end in disaster so I don't really see this as such a big deal. If he's done this after telling you you were exclusive I'd be binning him but ffs, he's just trying to be discreet.

ThisWormHasTurned · 11/09/2023 17:21

Some things I learned from OLD. FYI - If you log out, your matches can still see your profile. If their profile disappears then they’ve either unmatched you, and/or blocked you, or deleted their profile. So he didn’t just log out when he said he was. Be wary of men who suggest swapping numbers very quickly. Be wary of men who vanish off the app or say they don’t know how they find themselves OLD ‘again’.
it’s tempting to call him out but honestly I’d just block him and move on.