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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Do you consider this cheating?

40 replies

Moonlight6562 · 10/09/2023 21:17

Apologies in advance if this is a long post…. It’s taken me forever to pluck up the courage to write this. I just haven’t been able to talk to anyone about it & I don’t want to tarnish my husbands name because of our children but I really need some mums advice!!!

ive been with my husband for 15 years and we have 3 beautiful children, the youngest is 2.

getting to the point… early this year I noticed my husband acting very differently and taking ALOT about another women in the office. I had my hands full with our youngest who had lots of health issues at the time so I listened but didn’t really have the time to take much notice.

fast forward 6 months he’s telling me to consider him not around Mon-Fri anymore because he’s really busy, buying new suits, diets, teeth whitening etc and still dropping in the ladies name.

once I got my strength together from our young one being poorly for nearly 2 years I got cross one night and said ‘I’m too old for this shit, what is going on with this lady’, he stood there looking startled and says ‘ would you like me to stop training with her?!’

Ok… so I’m shocked because I had no idea he was training with her & then it all comes out that they have been gym buddies at work and training and going for lunch. He told me that he never told me because she’s really attractive and didn’t want me to worry & that she is really nice and knows all about me. I had no idea who she was! It felt so creepy.

there is more to it than I can explain and we’ve had the most shit few months as a couple but he has fought for me.

my question is, 6 months on I still feel so hurt by this and have processed it as a deep betrayal. Am I just an emotional mess that or is this really hurtful? He keeps telling me he hadn’t cheated on me but it really feels like it. Do I need to get a grip??? Help mummies 😞

OP posts:
thecatinthetwat · 10/09/2023 21:22

So whilst your child was unwell, he was out all week at the gym and going shopping? Not ok in the slightest, even without the involvement of this women.

Fairymcclary · 10/09/2023 21:23

Sounds like an emotional affair. Has he changed jobs? Does he still speak to her?

Has he worked out exactly why he required smoke blowing up his arse from an attractive lady at work?

Have you read ‘not just friends’ and ‘how to help your spouse heal from your affair’. Read material on PTSD as infidelity causes a form of ptsd.

Also read cheating in a nutshell. Go onto surviving infidelity website.

cheaters minimise - sorry but they only tell you the bare minimum. We just talked, just one peck on the cheek, just talked in the hotel room.

hope you are okay op

AhNowTed · 10/09/2023 21:25

I've been with my husband 40 years, we both have friends of the opposite sex and have our own interests ie not joined at the hip, but I wouldn't be happy with this scenario at all.

DramaAlpaca · 10/09/2023 21:35

DH and I have been together for 35 years and I'm not the clingy type, but I'd be very upset if he had been carrying on like that behind my back. That's emotional affair territory at the very least and you're right to feel betrayed.

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 10/09/2023 21:40

Say
'Yes I would, I would like you to do the dinners and childcare every evening for the next year while I go and lift weights with a hot sexy man please' (and then do it! Or at least say this to make him realize what he's put you through)

Original poster
Moonlight6562 · 10/09/2023 21:42

Thank you. I just need to know I’m not crazy to feel this way. We have gone through our whole relationship having friends of the opposite sex and incorporated them into our lives together. This was such a different experience. I will work it out from here but I just needed to hear that I’m not being unreasonable x

OP posts:
Bucksmamma · 10/09/2023 21:42

Agree with another poster, Im sorry to say I think that it is emotional cheating too. Only you know your boundaries and how you move forward from here.

How you're feeling is valid, I'd be beyond devastated. Our littlest has a lot of health issues too and if my hubby was doing the same as I've been going to appointment after appointment, juggling all of that, the other one and making the rest of the world turn...it's such a betrayal.

I'm sorry to be so brutal, I'm cognizant that this is your life and these words are so easy for me to type. Take care of yourself OP, I'm very sorry.

Loubelle70 · 10/09/2023 21:49

Everyone is different. I class it as cheating, absolutely!. Especially him teeth whitening, new clothes, going gym you didn't know about with her.. wtf!?. No, its emotional cheating

AhNowTed · 10/09/2023 21:55

"he’s telling me to consider him not around Mon-Fri anymore"

Did he now. Who does he think he is.

How thoughtful (deceitful) of him not to mention her to "spare your feelings".

Fuck that OP.

His mind is elsewhere while you're at home rearing his children.

Sorry but that is bullshit.

You've every right to feel betrayed.

Original poster
Moonlight6562 · 10/09/2023 21:58

Thank you & that’s exactly the position I was in. Taking my baby to see consultant after consultant and staying up with him night after night because he was in so much pain. I can see it’s a perfect storm, I look after our baby who is unwell and can’t give hubby attention so he strays…. But in the same breath it hurts so much more because I was giving everything to our children and he checked out. I didn’t have that option & even if I did, I never would. He’s done everything you can imagine to make it up to me but he’s broken something in us that I’m not sure can ever be repaired. But for our beautiful children I hope I can fix it x

OP posts:
MissHarrietBede · 10/09/2023 21:59

Of course he fought for you. He needs you to mind the kids while he's out with the nice office lady.

LightSpeeds · 10/09/2023 22:00

So, in the last 2+ years, what's he been doing regarding parenting and supporting you?

Original poster
Moonlight6562 · 10/09/2023 22:01

Lols that made me laugh…. So bloody true. I would never do that. Thanks for your messages, it lightened my load xx

OP posts:
Loubelle70 · 10/09/2023 22:03

If hes done everything to make it up to you, has he done the most important thing, which is stop spending one on one time with this woman?

Original poster
Moonlight6562 · 10/09/2023 22:05

Yes, thankfully the second I confronted him he ended all communication & moved office.

OP posts:
GLORIAGloriarse · 10/09/2023 22:17

Has he at least had the decency to admit why he said to consider himself unavailable mon-fri and prioritised training with this woman whilst his child was ill? Also why he was whitening his teeth etc? I would at least need him to have the strength of character to admit 'I distracted myself and got carried away when I should have been there for you and the children' and that whatever did or didn't happen, he had a wandering eye during that time? None of this shit about how she's a lovely lass who goes to the same spin classes. I don't think this is necessarily insurmountable on your terms but he needs to not insult your intelligence as a starter.

Loubelle70 · 10/09/2023 22:26

Without being too negative, have you thought that she might have blown him out or her found someone else and that's why hes backtracked and all apologetic now? X

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 10/09/2023 22:32

So Monday- Friday he was to be considered unavailable?
What did that entail,
does it mean arriving home after you'd put the kids to bed?

did you basically had to do everything five nights a week whilst he socialised? Did he help at the weekends?

And more importantly is he there for you and DC now?

Hehx3 · 10/09/2023 22:33

Its quite shitty of him to be able (and want to) focus on having his hobbies and friends and not prioritising supporting you and your little one. It could have been his mean to escape from it.
Is it cheating its hard to say if you never had that conversation between in each other were is boundary. However it is still enormous betrayal and I feel for you. If it was me i would give the marriage good chance to recover with couples therapy etc. however i would that also for myself to know I have tried hard.
You don't have to do it though, dont force yourself if you not feeling it x

Dery · 10/09/2023 22:42

Whether or not it was cheating, it was most definitely inappropriate for him to be spending so much time with another woman and he let you and your LO down incredibly badly and for a very extended period of time. You’re probably seeing him in a different light to how you used to see him. This is probably recoverable but he’s going to have to work hard to put the damage right.

gemloving · 10/09/2023 22:47

I fully agree with the fact that emotionally, he cheated and I always wondered what I'd find harder, however... & here comes me. I might be different than other people on here.

He's cut the contact, moved office the moment it was discussed which to me is positive, he fought for you and is fighting for this family. Trust takes time to re-gain but I would definitely try to move past this for my own sake and the family's. It might not happen in the next 6 months but hopefully in the next year.

I'm sorry he put you / is putting you through this though. I hope it'll all work out.

MrJollyLivesNextDoor · 10/09/2023 22:48

How has he moved office?

ohboohoo · 10/09/2023 23:11

To answer your question, yes. I consider this cheating

TheMountainsCall · 10/09/2023 23:38

I'd consider it cheating. Even if he hasn't cheated physically, he's cheated by giving time that should have been spent with his wife and children to someone else. Even if it is just a friendship and not an emotional affair, something is very wrong with the set up. You don't tell your family you aren't available five days a week because you're off doing your own fun thing. He knows your child has extra needs and has abandoned you to do all the work while he entertains himself. This is not normally an expression I use but, in this case, WTF?

Loubelle70 · 10/09/2023 23:58

TheMountainsCall · 10/09/2023 23:38

I'd consider it cheating. Even if he hasn't cheated physically, he's cheated by giving time that should have been spent with his wife and children to someone else. Even if it is just a friendship and not an emotional affair, something is very wrong with the set up. You don't tell your family you aren't available five days a week because you're off doing your own fun thing. He knows your child has extra needs and has abandoned you to do all the work while he entertains himself. This is not normally an expression I use but, in this case, WTF?

This ^