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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Are all men like this?

47 replies

Knitgoodwoman · 10/09/2023 20:00

I'm genuinely curious if all men end up like this, as some of my friends have said so, or DH is unusual.

My DH has got grumpier as the years have gone on. He suffers with low mood, but it’s definitely got worse.

He never organises anything for us or the kids and in fact holidays are complained about and just about tolerated. If it was up to him he’d spend Saturdays playing games on his computer and go for a dog walk on the Sunday, and that would be every weekend, repeat x 52.

I used to be so adventurous, and I’ve got loads of friends, but he doesn’t like too much stuff to be organised or he gets tired.

He’s often in such a bad mood he will bark at the kids at dinner, if they don’t eat enough for example. If I tell him to leave them alone I’m undermining him, then there’s an awful atmosphere.

I’m starting out in a new job, having done very well in my career. It’s quite niche and I need to network fairly well to make it work. This has been met with ‘am I cheating on him and are you just meeting that person to gossip?’ I’m professionally well thought of and it just feels like he’s not respecting me, and under mining me. It just doesn’t feel like he’s on my team anymore.

I’ve been on my own with the kids for a few days as he’s been away with work. I’ve managed to do a child’s 5th birthday party on my own, looked after our 3 dogs, the house, all their hobbies and activities, and I know as soon as he gets in he’ll find something to moan about around the house. No ‘well done for doing all of that’… I hate when he first gets back as he’ll just pick. For example it's not clean or tidy enough.

He would never organise a date night and I'm the one that will instigate us spending time together, having sex, or even kissing or cuddling, if I left it to him I think we could go days.

I feel like no ‘one’ of these things is a big deal but it’s insidious and it’s really getting me down. But are all men like this? If we did ever break up and I’m single, will I just want him back (he does make me laugh)…

It’s so annoying that when we are with friends, he’s super chatty and the life and soul, people wouldn’t believe it. So I'm wondering if this is just the way it is? Help!

OP posts:
Readingineading · 10/09/2023 20:02

No not all men are like this. He sounds like a misery to live with.

Skogrammy · 10/09/2023 20:04

Mines not like that.

Id leave. The picking on the kids would do it for me instantly.

Original poster
Knitgoodwoman · 10/09/2023 20:09

Readingineading · 10/09/2023 20:02

No not all men are like this. He sounds like a misery to live with.

Thanks for making me feel normal, it's really dragging me down and I thought it was an issue with me.

OP posts:
Original poster
Knitgoodwoman · 10/09/2023 20:11

Skogrammy · 10/09/2023 20:04

Mines not like that.

Id leave. The picking on the kids would do it for me instantly.

Thanks- I definitely feel like when he's not here we are all just a lot more relaxed, and we have a happier time. Once he's back there are a lot more rules and so much more control.

OP posts:
CalistoNoSolo · 10/09/2023 20:16

It's not all men. Why are you still with him? He's actively bullying your children and making their lives a misery.

reallyunderstandsometimes · 10/09/2023 20:19

My DH is away at the moment and there is a massive sense of calm. I feel relaxed and happy.

It's making me wonder why and what is it's that he does that causes the change as for me it's not 100% obvious.

Reading your post yes my DH is a bit grumpy and frankly he's just boring.. I think that's what it is.

GetBackinTheMilkYouRubberyGit · 10/09/2023 20:22

Mine was just like that and I left him! We co parent 50/50 and he has stepped up, he now really does do 50% and I don't have to look at his miserable face 🤣

wildwestpioneer · 10/09/2023 20:25

No, not all men are like that. My dh is the opposite, makes an effort, is loving, kind generous and good fun.

I have however been married to a fun sponge and it doesn't get better, don't let him drag you down.

WunWun · 10/09/2023 20:25

No, they aren't. It sounds like yours has given up on the relationship tbh and doesn't like your or the kids company. I would reconsider your options because it will never change unless he wants it to, and it doesn't sound like he does

DutchessOfDukeStreet · 10/09/2023 20:28

This is exactly why many women 50s and over including myself prefer to be single.
I hear my neighbour non stop barking orders at his wife and family, constantly moaning, stomping around the garden muttering under his breath, always spoiling every thing, including my own peace and quiet and l often think Thank God I haven't got to I put up with that.
I would rather face financial hardship than ever have to share my home with a man again.

Bumble84 · 10/09/2023 20:28

I think you’ve hit the nail on the head when you say that no one of the things is a major issue but together it paints a picture. Barking at the kids would be a major issue for me from what you’ve said though.

What was he like pre kids?

Blueeyedmale · 10/09/2023 20:28

From a male perspective no I don't think all men are like this,just like females yes we get our off days,I've suffered from PTSD, anxiety and depression in the past,but I've always tried to my best to not let show around my DS I'm quite open with my partner when I've had a nightmare or a flashback it may throw me for a day or 2 but I sit down and talk about it,there is never know excuse for taking things out on your children or partner

DramaAlpaca · 10/09/2023 20:29

No, mine's not like that.

category12 · 10/09/2023 20:29

No, all men are not like this.

He sound like he can't be arsed any more and just expects you to tolerate his ill-temper. And the stuff about the housework sounds a bit controlling. Him being nasty to the kids is also a massive deal.

It should be easy to be pleasant to one's own family, but apparently he finds it difficult. I don't think a few laughs outweigh the rest of the crap.

Maybe he needs a huge wake-up call, like a come-to-Jesus talk about how you're actually thinking of leaving and he might shape up? But I think you need to mean it.

Alargeoneplease89 · 10/09/2023 20:30

Sounds like Victor Meldrew... no its not normal

Zenana · 10/09/2023 20:30

He's a real misery guts isn't he? I don't think it's normal.

occhiazzurri · 10/09/2023 20:33

It sounds like a low effort person who is just used to you making all the effort or someone who could be depressed. Is this a more recent change or was he always like that? I am not married but have dated a fair few men who were similar and I had to walk away for my sanity. They are still single.

MasterBeth · 10/09/2023 20:37

Yes, all men are like this. Every single one.

(What a silly sexist question.)

donquixotedelamancha · 10/09/2023 20:39

Of course they aren't.

What does he say when you talk to him about the problems? Has he sought treatment for his depression?

GameOverBoys · 10/09/2023 20:39

While my DP doesn’t sound as bad as yours there are a lot of elements I recognise. Never organises dates or anything, can be moody and find fault with everything. I’m very honest and tell him he’s a mood hoover but it doesn’t help.

Original poster
Knitgoodwoman · 10/09/2023 20:41

This is really helpful food for thought guys, thank you.

It's really opening my eyes to be honest, as it's been a 'drip drip' effect over 12 years, as he wasn't always like this.

To answer some questions, he had depression before, I suspect it's probably come back on a low level, he doesn't want to do anything about it. I threatened divorce if he didn't get therapy, nothing changed.

I think he's always been like this, but he's been better at hiding it. I did say to him the other day ' you wouldn't talk to a friend like that would you? You wouldn't have spoken to my like that when we were dating.' But he thinks it's normal, his Dad talks to his Mum like crap. It's just how married couples are who are comfortable. No husband compliments his wife, he can't 'constantly' be complimenting me as he puts it. I never get flowers or any effort at all.

I just feel like it's dragging me down now, I can feel my own personality and optimism getting squashed. I constantly say how lucky we are, no money worries, nice house, healthy kids, he just grunts.

OP posts:
category12 · 10/09/2023 20:43

But he thinks it's normal, his Dad talks to his Mum like crap. It's just how married couples are who are comfortable. No husband compliments his wife, he can't 'constantly' be complimenting me as he puts it. I never get flowers or any effort at all.

Well, there you are - your future with him is being treated like his dad treats his mum.

Personally, I'd say fuck that.

arethereanyleftatall · 10/09/2023 20:44

One of my first revelations towards getting my divorce (which has been lovely) was feeling exactly like that - preferring it when he wasn't there - and then thinking, well what on Earth am I staying with him for then.

Original poster
Knitgoodwoman · 10/09/2023 20:53

@arethereanyleftatall I think this is it, it's actually quite nice when he's away. What does make it tricky is that we do still get on well, in many respects he feels like my best friend. He does make me laugh, we have a lot in common, sex life is fine (because I mainly make sure it is). if it was all bad it would be so obvious.
Something needs to change though, I can't be dragged down, it's going to make me depressed in the end.

OP posts:
Original poster
Knitgoodwoman · 10/09/2023 21:02

Blueeyedmale · 10/09/2023 20:28

From a male perspective no I don't think all men are like this,just like females yes we get our off days,I've suffered from PTSD, anxiety and depression in the past,but I've always tried to my best to not let show around my DS I'm quite open with my partner when I've had a nightmare or a flashback it may throw me for a day or 2 but I sit down and talk about it,there is never know excuse for taking things out on your children or partner

@Blueeyedmale sorry to hear you've suffered. I think you've hit on what gets to me. I wouldn't mind if he said 'look I'm struggling I need some time'... but instead he makes us all walk on eggs shells and he's in a bad mood and takes it out on us.

I've asked him before 'what's wrong, why are you so grunpy? and he'll say 'you make me grumpy'... I've said, how? I'll work on it, then I get nothing back.

OP posts: