Are all men like this?

[Knitgoodwoman]

I'm genuinely curious if all men end up like this, as some of my friends have said so, or DH is unusual.

My DH has got grumpier as the years have gone on. He suffers with low mood, but it’s definitely got worse.

He never organises anything for us or the kids and in fact holidays are complained about and just about tolerated. If it was up to him he’d spend Saturdays playing games on his computer and go for a dog walk on the Sunday, and that would be every weekend, repeat x 52.

I used to be so adventurous, and I’ve got loads of friends, but he doesn’t like too much stuff to be organised or he gets tired.

He’s often in such a bad mood he will bark at the kids at dinner, if they don’t eat enough for example. If I tell him to leave them alone I’m undermining him, then there’s an awful atmosphere.

I’m starting out in a new job, having done very well in my career. It’s quite niche and I need to network fairly well to make it work. This has been met with ‘am I cheating on him and are you just meeting that person to gossip?’ I’m professionally well thought of and it just feels like he’s not respecting me, and under mining me. It just doesn’t feel like he’s on my team anymore.

I’ve been on my own with the kids for a few days as he’s been away with work. I’ve managed to do a child’s 5th birthday party on my own, looked after our 3 dogs, the house, all their hobbies and activities, and I know as soon as he gets in he’ll find something to moan about around the house. No ‘well done for doing all of that’… I hate when he first gets back as he’ll just pick. For example it's not clean or tidy enough.

He would never organise a date night and I'm the one that will instigate us spending time together, having sex, or even kissing or cuddling, if I left it to him I think we could go days.

I feel like no ‘one’ of these things is a big deal but it’s insidious and it’s really getting me down. But are all men like this? If we did ever break up and I’m single, will I just want him back (he does make me laugh)…

It’s so annoying that when we are with friends, he’s super chatty and the life and soul, people wouldn’t believe it. So I'm wondering if this is just the way it is? Help!

I'm afraid I think he's checked out completely @Knitgoodwoman . I don't think there's any going back however hard you try. In fact, the more you try, the more he might pull away.

I think that because if ever I have a 'bad' moment, with someone I care about, I'll apologise at some point afterwards. I don't want them to think bad of me. But he's not doing that, he's blaming you for all his bad moments, all the time.

The kiss of death is when you prefer and are more relaxed when they are absent.

Then they return and so with it misery.

Think carefully OP. You will live a long time. Would you like it to be like this for another 30 to 40 years?

He sounds not just miserable but nasfy and potentially controlling. What's his job like? Because it sounds like he's jealous of your success at work and it's turned him bitter.

You get nothing back because he's got no genuine issue. He just sees you as his emotional punchbag.

It sounds like he has taken your whole family for granted. You both are in a different mindset and think you’re carrying his weight.

I’m saying this because I am aware of many women who have husbands like that, and it is concerning, because wives and children pay for that behaviour. The reason for this may be of the lack of introspection men usually have on their own lives, and mainly, the lack of meaning.

Perhaps it would be good to talk to him about your worries in a chat with curiosity of mind. Negotiate your short and medium-term goals. Hopefully that will get him excited to work on common goals.

He needs to expand. If you can afford, get a recommended female counsellor :-)

Sounds like he just doesn't enjoy your or your DC company, hence all the moaning etc. It's his way of dealing with it, even if he's not consciously aware of it.

You've suggested solutions, offered change, but he isn't biting. He doesn't want to improve things. He just wants distance.

You can't make a man love his wife and his children. That has to come from within, and he doesn't have it within himself.

Life is too short, stop wasting effort and time when it's not reciprocated. Give you effort and time to people who will reciprocate. You'll be much happier in the end.

he's a miserable bully, sounds
jealous of
u and ur success and that u seem a lovely person trying to make everything work.
you need to tell him how is he and how he makes you all feel. if he doesn't admit to causing any of the problems you need to leave him. only them will he (and u) realise exactly how much you do and how u have prob kept the relationship going. your kids don't need to live in a home like this. wish u all the best x

My ex was like that in my 20’s, he was a similar age to me . I broke up with him. He is still a Mardy bastard by all accounts in his fifties, an old school friend of mine ended up as his manager and was relaying this to me.

What @Anxioys says is spot on about being happier away from them and avoiding them.

Well you say he's your best friend but he clearly doesn't see you in the same way. He sounds even worse following your updates and I feel very sorry for your children who will grow up thinking this is how relationships work.

Get him talk about it. If he doesn't want to talk about it, he does't want to talk to you.

I think many people get grumpy and bored when in middle age.

What do you get out of this relationship now?.

He behaves abusively towards you and in turn the kids. Not all that surprising
to read either he behaves far differently to those in the outside world. He would not treat his work colleagues like he does you. Abusers too can be quite plausible to those in the outside world.

What do you want to teach your children about relationships and what are they learning here?

This is no life for your kids either, they certainly do not warrant such a poor example of a father in their day to day lives. I would contact Women’s Aid and a firm of solicitors on the quiet and start to plan your exit from this man.

Men like this hate women, ALL of them. Quite apart from being his skivvy and maid, you’re also his emotional punchbag.

BTW did your own parents behave similarly towards each other when you were growing up?. What did you learn about relationships when you were growing up?

Don't have much to contribute to this but one thought I had was "days" is not that bad to go without sex. Intimacy in general...perhaps 🤔

The rotten apple that is your husband did not fall far from the tree I.e his parents. He learnt a lot of damaging lessons from them

That in itself should make you run now but it sadly did not back then. Your children will be imparted such damaging relationship lessons particularly if you were to stay with him. The only acceptable level of abuse in a relationship is none. How can you be helped into leaving your abuser?

Just to update everyone as you were all so kind to give advice and I often wonder how the Op is doing.

We had a massive row, I went nuts, I told him I was very serious about divorce if things didn’t change. The row went on for 2 days. I never do this, I’m a people pleaser and have kept it bottled up, which is my fault to be fair.

He was very receptive, I think a bit shocked at just how low I was and we are starting counselling next week, he’s agreed to get help and he’s like a different person. He’s making a lot of effort, he knows I’ll walk if he doesn’t and it has made a difference.

He’s also looking at his parents relationship a lot differently now which I think was a real lightbulb moment for him.

Thank You all so much for your advice on here, it helped me realise I wasn’t crazy and helped me formulate my thoughts.

No.

What stands out to me, above the grumping, barking and bullying (which is bad enough), is that he accuses you of cheating when you network with colleagues. Yet he goes off on work trips himself. So on top of all the other terrible behaviour, he's suspicious and paranoid. You have done nothing to provoke this, it's inside his head.

You and your kids deserve better. Tell him fairly bluntly that you can't live like this and ask him if he's prepared to change his behaviour and does he want to stay married. If he just continues to grunt and blame you, there's the answer.

Sorry, didn't see your latest update. Well done.

Thanks @FictionalCharacter We've never had an argument as honest as the one last week, we both acknowledged how we could do better. I was falling short in some areas (I often put work first more than him, if I'm really reflecting honestly).
I've been on work trips for a whole week and left him running everything. He always does this without a single complaint to be honest.
He is going to stop the accusations of cheating, deep down he knows I don't... I don't know if it's to fish for compliments and to reassure him, I'm not sure. But that has stopped.
Work in progress for sure!

No they're not all like this. My ex was, we finished and I'm so much happier. Don't miss him. He's draining you and making you miserable, you'd be happier without him.

No. My DH is not like that, my father is not, my grandad wasn't. Although my FIL is, so some men are surely like that.