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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Lazy partner

48 replies

leighqt · 10/09/2023 18:44

My partner works Mon- Friday . I am home all day but never get any support in the home whatsoever no help with the never ending housework,decorating , Gardening and this month money towards Bills etc . I’m feeling taken advantage off ,most weekends we do nothing he’s literally in bed constantly, yesterday I decorated the bedroom he slept all day on the sofa today he is still in bed as far asknow he has no health problem that would warrant this lifestyle yet I have Fibromyalgia so sometimes am unable to do what is needed.

Friday after two days of asking he started helping decorate the bedroom literally all he had to do was paint the ceiling as I had spent ages days sanding/ filling etc then being unwell as a result of overdoing it. As it happened my Spynx cat went missing having escaped through a window to my horror, my daughter who now lives in her own home came to help me look for the cat we spent literally 5 hrs driving about in separate cars had a cuppa then was going back out to look at night,my partner was “ decorating” so when my Daughter was slagging him off for not helping I somewhat stuck up for him !. Later a neibour found my naughty cat thankfully but when I went to see bedroom that he took all day to do I found not one bit of paint not one thing had been done apart from moving around 3 boxes to the spare room this took all day as nothing else had changed, so what had he been doing all day , he even told me he had removed wallpaper so when I attempted to paint yesterday thinking I could get the majority finished I was surprised to find remenants of wallpaper that I thought would take seconds to remove with a scraper and bit of water, but nope there was lining paper covering the entire surface I did not finish until 2am this morning then had to clean all Four of my cat litter trays before bathing.

im wondering if it’s because it is my tenancy not his , he usually gives financial help towards living but this month Nil apparently because he was paid wrongly this excuse then went on to a change in tax code …. Unlikely as it’s not a new job etc etc so I’ve paid all the bills, but refused to buy more food ,fridge is bare, topped up Gas/ Electric, I buy enough cigarettes to last until I next get money he has even been smoking these despite having his own tobacco I’m being completly mugged off. Last month was similar we’re pretty skint for some reason so I had to borrow money . We went to a wedding this month he paid for hotel I didn’t think we could afford to stay in the hotel and could of found a cheaper alternative he told me it was within budget, then I found out he had been going to the bar a lot buying nearly the whole wedding party drinks, I was part of the Bridal party so was not around by the time all photos had been done had 2 drinks with him before he started getting argumentative as always once had a drink) he then followed me up to the room ,which was my plan to save myself embarrassment if he drunk too much where he passed out for much of the evening

im feeling doubly bad about this situation as this isn’t the first time I’ve had a partner like this.

OP posts:
C1N1C · 10/09/2023 18:55

Do you work?

This reads like:

He works 9-5 and I stay at home. I don't do anything because 'reasons'. He is tired during the weekend, but I want him to do more. This month he hasn't bought me stuff, and I bought cigarettes but he's smoking them. He's lazy and entitled...

Am I missing something?

TomatoSandwiches · 10/09/2023 18:58

He is using you, get rid of him.

wp65 · 10/09/2023 19:08

C1N1C · 10/09/2023 18:55

Do you work?

This reads like:

He works 9-5 and I stay at home. I don't do anything because 'reasons'. He is tired during the weekend, but I want him to do more. This month he hasn't bought me stuff, and I bought cigarettes but he's smoking them. He's lazy and entitled...

Am I missing something?

This doesn't feel like a fair summary of the OP.

leighqt · 10/09/2023 19:08

Sorry how does, I do everything equate to doing nothing in the home ? I constantly clean up after him, myself and the 5 pets which does not stop after 9-5 , I do all tasks like the Gardening and decorating, pay the bills etc with a health condition he does not ven pick up a wrapper dropped on the floor !

I have Fibromyalgia it is not that I am lazy so no I don’t work I also have other conditions .

Brought me stuff, I didn’t even get a birthday card .

OP posts:
leighqt · 10/09/2023 19:09

This is what my daughter tells me to do .

OP posts:
leighqt · 10/09/2023 19:14

Looking at your user name it appears you too have a health condition do you work , do you get support with all that I mentioned .

oops CIN 1 is treatable is it not , whilst Fibro is a debilitating condition.

OP posts:
C1N1C · 10/09/2023 19:16

leighqt · 10/09/2023 19:08

Sorry how does, I do everything equate to doing nothing in the home ? I constantly clean up after him, myself and the 5 pets which does not stop after 9-5 , I do all tasks like the Gardening and decorating, pay the bills etc with a health condition he does not ven pick up a wrapper dropped on the floor !

I have Fibromyalgia it is not that I am lazy so no I don’t work I also have other conditions .

Brought me stuff, I didn’t even get a birthday card .

Edited

I get that... but the general way things usually happen, is that if one person goes to work and supports the household, the other does the housework etc.

Where does your money go, and where does his money go?

GrazingSheep · 10/09/2023 19:16

Why don’t you ask him to leave?

leighqt · 10/09/2023 19:23

My money goes on paying bills, purchasing things needed to improve our home. Food shops which seem never ending I am paying for at least 3 big shops a month for two of us even though I barely eat. He is sketchy about finances to say the least he should have a fair bit of disposable income considering all the bills he has of his own are Mobile phone and car finance.

i agree in the dynamic one works brings in household income if someone is home for whatever reason but this is not happening also that said I am not his skivvy he is a adult.

OP posts:
GrazingSheep · 10/09/2023 19:24

So are you afraid of being single ?

leighqt · 10/09/2023 19:25

Last week I said “ I could no longer do this” he said ok at times barely speaks to me silent treatment happens a lot then as soon as Monday morning arrives I get loving text messages . It’s like positive reinforcement every now and then when he realises I’m pissed off.

OP posts:
leighqt · 10/09/2023 19:26

It’s nice to have a partner, do activities with I will admit , as for scared of being single no life is easier in many respectsr. But when we are good we are good so it’s confusing.

OP posts:
GrazingSheep · 10/09/2023 19:28

I guess whatever floats your boat.
Don’t think I could live with a lazy tightwad.

leighqt · 10/09/2023 19:29

Lol love your description.

I have seen paperwork where a previous relationship of his became abusive his ex partner described “ the kids not being his slaves “

whereas he describes his ex as lazy .

I guess this should tell me all I need to know.

OP posts:
AnneLovesGilbert · 10/09/2023 19:33

How long have you been together? What does he bring to your life that makes it happier and easier?

It doesn’t sound great to me but you must be with him for a reason.

You list an awful lot of negatives and describe him as lazy, selfish and financially incompetent. Is it worth it? If not you can chuck him. If it is then you have to accept what he’s like.

How would you cope financially without him?

leighqt · 10/09/2023 19:38

Financially I was a lot better off living alone, it is not that I am in dire straits with my finances but I managed better. I do have use of his car but financially that is it. We have been together living since December I had paid everything from December- May approx, I have received the agreed amount for financial help for 3 months and now it seems excuses have been made, am waiting to see what the excuse is this month.

when things are good they are good but it’s not great I feel like I’m just existing in the relationship right now. I did try ending the relationship he was literally all packed and we both cried and cried so he stayed.

OP posts:
AnneLovesGilbert · 10/09/2023 19:40

Okay, then bin him off.

leighqt · 10/09/2023 19:57

I think I have to stop procrastinating and making excuses for him and be firm for myself. We don’t even communicate.

you know I don’t even know where his dirty clothes for work to wash them for Monday morning , do I chase a 40 yr old man to find them like a child yet is super independent in other ways .

OP posts:
MeMySonAnd1 · 01/02/2024 13:09

C1N1C · 10/09/2023 18:55

Do you work?

This reads like:

He works 9-5 and I stay at home. I don't do anything because 'reasons'. He is tired during the weekend, but I want him to do more. This month he hasn't bought me stuff, and I bought cigarettes but he's smoking them. He's lazy and entitled...

Am I missing something?

Yes, she has Fibromyalgia, a very nasty, painful and debilitating condition for which there is no cure.

anotherdisaster · 01/02/2024 14:02

C1N1C · 10/09/2023 18:55

Do you work?

This reads like:

He works 9-5 and I stay at home. I don't do anything because 'reasons'. He is tired during the weekend, but I want him to do more. This month he hasn't bought me stuff, and I bought cigarettes but he's smoking them. He's lazy and entitled...

Am I missing something?

"this month he hasn't bought me stuff"??? you mean like, pay half the bills for the house he also lives in??

anotherdisaster · 01/02/2024 14:03

OP, don't listen to anyone who says that if you don't work and your partner does, that means you MUST do all the household chores. This is not a law. Fine if this is the agreement you have both come to. The fact you have a debilitating condition is all the more reason she should be pulling his weight, especially on his weekends off. And, as for not paying his way...... that is not on. I'm not sure what you get out of this relationship.

Nttttt · 01/02/2024 14:07

OP are you living in a private rental? Also how long have you been together? I think these things impact the advice people can give.

leighqt · 09/02/2024 23:21

Nttttt · 01/02/2024 14:07

OP are you living in a private rental? Also how long have you been together? I think these things impact the advice people can give.

We have been together 14 from today's date and things have not changed ,I'm literally looking through my posts again reflecting and back to square one of him not contributing anything into the household at all now because he took someone's advice to resign before he was sacked,don't ask its another cocktail and bull story.

The house is a Housing association property I am classed as disabled for a few conditions so " Cin" no I don't work sorry about that instead I get the joy of health issues at the good ole age of 43 I love feeling unwell everyday but the convulsing on the floor is the best part you judgemental that.

OP posts:
leighqt · 09/02/2024 23:26

anotherdisaster · 01/02/2024 14:03

OP, don't listen to anyone who says that if you don't work and your partner does, that means you MUST do all the household chores. This is not a law. Fine if this is the agreement you have both come to. The fact you have a debilitating condition is all the more reason she should be pulling his weight, especially on his weekends off. And, as for not paying his way...... that is not on. I'm not sure what you get out of this relationship.

Thank you for your support yes Fibro is extremely difficult unbearable at times and you do unfortunately get some people who judge you as it is hidden mostly. Stress doesn't help and unfortunately I have a lot of that at the moment.

OP posts:
yogpot · 10/02/2024 07:55

leighqt · 09/02/2024 23:21

We have been together 14 from today's date and things have not changed ,I'm literally looking through my posts again reflecting and back to square one of him not contributing anything into the household at all now because he took someone's advice to resign before he was sacked,don't ask its another cocktail and bull story.

The house is a Housing association property I am classed as disabled for a few conditions so " Cin" no I don't work sorry about that instead I get the joy of health issues at the good ole age of 43 I love feeling unwell everyday but the convulsing on the floor is the best part you judgemental that.

@leighqt 14 years?! And he has paid the right contribution for only 3 months? You have a debilitating condition and you’re doing his laundry and all house tasks AND paying all the household expenses?

He sounds awful. He’s been living off your money for too long. And now he’s resigned his job? Absolutely not. Get him out. You deserve so, so much more than this. If you are going to keep this man pet around, do not put him on that tenancy and stop doing any tasks that are just for him like his laundry or cooking his meals. He’s an unbelievable pisstaker.