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Original poster

Great guy, no sexual chemistry or attraction

48 replies

Cherryblossom200 · 09/09/2023 21:27

Hello!

I'm sure this has been covered off a million times before. But I'd like to know if any of you have ever been seeing someone who is a great person, kind, caring, selfless, lovely etc etc but you feel no sexual chemistry with and then you ended to falling in love with them?

I'm 47 and he is 9 years older than me, a first for me to date someone with a bigger age gap. I'm a full time single parent and we met IRL rather than on an app. I've known him on and off for about a year (he was my builder!) and never felt anything other than friendship for him.

Once my job was complete he asked me out on a date, but I was honest and that I think I didn't see him that way. But we met up again recently and he has again expressed and interest in me, I said let's just be friends and see if anything comes of it that way. I was very clear that I didn't want to lead him on or hurt him either.

My relationship history isn't the best, I've always gone for the good looking men who have been rubbish at commitment and had issues. This is a refreshing change and on paper he is what I'd like in a partner, but I can't imagine kissing him or having sex with him, In fact the thought of it gives me shivers and not in a good way 😩

Am I wasting both of our time? My daughter absolutely loves him which makes it worse! Btw she understands he is our builder nothing else, she just likes him as a person - he is so good with her.

OP posts:
Thisisworsethananticpated · 09/09/2023 21:32

Yeah we’ve all read the books and the articles
Women who love too much etc etc

but if you totally don’t fancy him and he gives you the shivers …

throw him gently back

all in good time op

Undertherailroad · 09/09/2023 21:39

I dunno. Maybe not. Based on your history I think you should try with him. I always like walking red flags too. Why do you think you're attracted to people with commitment issues but not a nice secure man? I mean that genuinely.

Original poster
Cherryblossom200 · 09/09/2023 21:40

I just wish I did feel something for him because it would be perfect 😩

OP posts:
Original poster
Cherryblossom200 · 09/09/2023 21:43

I know why I've been drawn in the past to unavailable men, I'd prefer not to going into it. But I know my pattern, I've seen a councillor and done lots of reading and self reflection.

I guess as I've gotten older I realise now what I want and need in a partner. I definitely want to be with a secure partner but I need to be attracted to them physically a bit at least and I'm not!

OP posts:
Undertherailroad · 09/09/2023 21:48

That's completely fair enough. I'm pretty much the same btw. I love an emotionally unavailable bloke but that's not the relationship I want. Tricky one.
You're asking for validation and reassurance (I would too!). It's your decision, but he sounds nice. But if he's not the one, he's not the one.

BigPussyEnergy · 09/09/2023 21:51

Tbh I didn’t feel anything when I first went out with my current crush - we went on about 3 dates and had a lovely time but I wasn’t sure I saw him ‘that way’. So I broached it when he asked me out again and said we’re in danger of friend zoning each other so if he liked me he’d better ramp up the flirting a bit! He was not comfortable with that, but the next time we met up he did initiate a kiss. It was nice but I didn’t get the flutters like I usually would.

But I really liked him as a person and he seemed to like me too, so we met again, this time went a bit further than a kiss and OMG! Had a few very hot dates after that and now he’s cooled off and I’M the one who’s more keen! So annoying.

So I’d say give it a go, you might be surprised!

Specso · 09/09/2023 21:51

In my personal experience just do not go there!

If you start a relationship with him you might even find kissing him and having sex with him is ok and better than you thought so you commit but it will come back to bite you eventually. Usually in the form of getting the ick, him not feeling desired, you feeling unfulfilled due to lack of passion..the list goes on.

I was in love with my Exh when we married and was sure I was doing the right thing but I knew deep down the physical side wasn’t quite right and we didn’t have good sexual chemistry. I ignored it because everything else about him was so great. We’re divorced after 8 years and the lack of sexual chemistry and connection was among our issues.

Everyone will have a different opinion but this was my experience and I’d never get into a relationship with anyone again if I didn’t fancy them the way I should no matter how great they are.

Original poster
Cherryblossom200 · 09/09/2023 22:00

Thanks that's my thoughts too.

Before I had my DD I was with a great guy who was 9 years younger than me, though you couldn't tell there was an age gap! I didn't fancy him at first, but there was a something which kept me intrigued and it was enough for me to eventually fall head over heels for him, I loved his personality and ended up finding him hugely attractive in the end. So I know it's possible, but despite not feeling initially attached to him - there is a cheekiness about him which kept me interested.

With this guy he is almost too nice 😬 And physically I don't see him that way, he actually asked if he could kiss me last night, my DD was I bed at this point, and I said I wasn't ready 😬😬 but in truth I had the major ick.

OP posts:
Tangerinedreams3 · 09/09/2023 22:02

If you've got the ick then it's a definite no.
Someone nearer your own age might be better for you.

gettingolderbutcooler · 09/09/2023 22:02

Do date number 3 then decide!

Original poster
Cherryblossom200 · 09/09/2023 22:04

I think it is partly the age gap, plus he is a grandad now and I have a younger child so it all feels a bit odd to me.

OP posts:
Indiacalling · 09/09/2023 22:09

I think you are expressing too many negative feelings for this to go anywhere.
I don’t mean that your feelings are invalid, but that you would have to persuade yourself into this relationship. It is okay to tell him you don’t want to pursue a relationship with him, however nice he is.

Original poster
Cherryblossom200 · 09/09/2023 22:12

I think I just want to be friends with him, but I'm not sure if that will work on his side.

It's such a shame 😩 I'd love to meet someone like him who I'm attracted to!

OP posts:
Thistooshallpass. · 09/09/2023 22:23

Well it sounds like you want it to work as he's nice .. but you know it won't and that the age gap plus lack of attraction is never going to work .
Plus .. how do you know he's so great anyway ? Not very professional asking clients out - is that something he does regularly ?! He's single at 56 .. fine but what's his past relationship history ? Some people can appear to be so nice , charming etc - is this a well practiced technique for the women he works for ?!

SheerLucks · 09/09/2023 23:43

Just no. Sorry - you'll hurt both of you in the long term.

Eleganz · 10/09/2023 03:44

Sounds like you are probably wasting both of your time here.

aurynne · 10/09/2023 06:18

Why are you trying so hard to MAKE yourself go out with a man you obviously do not fancy?

Livinghappy · 10/09/2023 06:26

I tried daring someone I wasn't attracted to and it didn't work, there wasn't the energy from my side. Drop him gently and move on. You tried, it didn't work.

Isthisexpected · 10/09/2023 06:30

My relationship with my greatest love started out like this... apart from having the shivers not in a good way. That's not a feeling to ignore.

Zenana · 10/09/2023 06:43

Isthisexpected · 10/09/2023 06:30

My relationship with my greatest love started out like this... apart from having the shivers not in a good way. That's not a feeling to ignore.

I don't understand what you mean?

Original poster
Cherryblossom200 · 10/09/2023 07:15

I've been single since I had my DD, she's 8 now. I've had men interested in me, but while my DD was young I just wanted to concentrate on bringing her up. Now she's older I feel I'm ready to meet someone, but it's not easy being a full time working parent, I wfh and I dislike online dating.

So I don't have a lot of opportunities to meet men! I also worry a bit that I'm not getting any younger and there are a lot of weird men out there. So I felt I wanted to try and make this work because he is so nice! But I don't feel attracted to him..!

OP posts:
BalletBob · 10/09/2023 07:20

It would be really unfair to this man, who you say is a good person, to string him along when in reality you are disgusted by the idea of a sexual relationship with him. He deserves much more than that, as do we all. Likewise it would unfair to pursue a friendship when you know he harbours an attraction. There are plenty of other people that you can be friends with.

RagzRebooted · 10/09/2023 07:29

I don't really think you can be friends with a guy who is only hanging out with you because he thinks this is becoming a sexual relationship.
You clearly aren't feeling it, I'd let him go. I know you're lonely and feeling ready for it, but clearly this guy isn't doing it for you.

Original poster
Cherryblossom200 · 10/09/2023 07:54

I'm not lonely, I have a full on life so I don't have time to feel lonely 😂 But I would like a partner/companion and feel ready for it.

But your right I need to work out the best way to tell him 😬

OP posts:
Oysterbabe · 10/09/2023 08:00

Yeah you're wasting his time.
If you don't want to kiss him by now you never will.