Great guy, no sexual chemistry or attraction

[Cherryblossom200]

Hello!

I'm sure this has been covered off a million times before. But I'd like to know if any of you have ever been seeing someone who is a great person, kind, caring, selfless, lovely etc etc but you feel no sexual chemistry with and then you ended to falling in love with them?

I'm 47 and he is 9 years older than me, a first for me to date someone with a bigger age gap. I'm a full time single parent and we met IRL rather than on an app. I've known him on and off for about a year (he was my builder!) and never felt anything other than friendship for him.

Once my job was complete he asked me out on a date, but I was honest and that I think I didn't see him that way. But we met up again recently and he has again expressed and interest in me, I said let's just be friends and see if anything comes of it that way. I was very clear that I didn't want to lead him on or hurt him either.

My relationship history isn't the best, I've always gone for the good looking men who have been rubbish at commitment and had issues. This is a refreshing change and on paper he is what I'd like in a partner, but I can't imagine kissing him or having sex with him, In fact the thought of it gives me shivers and not in a good way 😩

Am I wasting both of our time? My daughter absolutely loves him which makes it worse! Btw she understands he is our builder nothing else, she just likes him as a person - he is so good with her.

I do know someone who is now married to the chap she 'didn't fancy'. They met IRL too and he thought she was amazing but she didn't feel anything, despite knowing that 'on paper' he was everything she wanted.

She had been in some difficult relationships but she decided to give this a go. The big thing is that she was honest at every step. She gave herself 3 months to just be friends with him, no expectations from either side and I remember her telling me how one night she looked at him and suddenly wanted to kiss him.

I think it's very rare for this to happen but as long as you're completely honest with him (so he has no expectations), you could try being friends, go out a few times over a set amount of time and see if there's just the smallest of sparks?

That's exactly what I've done with him, I have totally honest and explained I'm not sure how I feel and that there won't be any guarantees with me. But he still wants to pursue things. I've been clear it needs to remain just as friends and that I'm happy for us to meet up casually but for there to be no expectations.

I think probably the 2-3 month thing might be a good idea.

He's not taking no for answer op ide be very wary
I think you need to be firmer and maybe not see him at all

Yes, I agree with this.
Single parents are vulnerable to men who are quite controlling and think they must add value to a woman’s life, and there’s an age gap here too. You are saying no and he is not listening. He has gone beyond professional boundaries and already built a relationship with your DD (you say that she likes him). I’d put this back on a professional footing and stop trying to persuade yourself your view might change.

I think it's odd that you've told him you're not feeling it and he's still pushing - if I expressed interest in a bloke and he said he wasn't interested at the moment I would totally leave it and move on. I think he wants sex tbh op - and you can't stand the thought of even kissing him, this will not go anywhere.

I think you need to make a firm decision (yes or no, and it really should be a NO), tell him and also tell him 'friends' is not an option, otherwise he'll be hoping that it will turn into something else.

Don't waste his time or yours.

Regarding the WFH, can you go and work in a cafe now and then to get out of the house? (I do that sometimes just for mental space and to be around people!) Or if you have someone to help with childcare, look for a class in something you enjoy, or join a club? It’s probably a good idea to build up your own life and social circle so you are not vulnerable to predatory men (sorry, maybe this guy is not predatory, but if not, then I would expect him to take a step back when you say you are not interested).

This.

Work out what you want from a relationship. Try people out to see if you feel fulfilled in your relationship with them. If not, don't continue a relationship with them.
You are doing the same thing now that's landed you in unfulfilling relationships in the past: you are trying to over ride your feelings because you think you can 'know' better. So, previously, you will have stayed with men who showed you they didn't want commitment, because you tried to over ride the feeling it gave you when they behaved noncommittally.
If you want to have a healthy relationship on your own terms, you need to understand that your feelings are your terms, and respect them, rather than trying to stop them from mattering. Feelings are signposts to show you the way. Ignore them, and you will feel lost. Lost people aren't happy, they're anxious, which is how you will feel if you try to have sex with this man.

You shouldn't get romantically or sexually involved with someone who gives you the ick when you consider having physical contact with them.

There is grey between unavailable good looking guys and overly available unattractive (to you) guys. You need to meet more people, not force yourself to accept romantic advances from a man you're not attracted to and who you get the ick thinking about getting remotely physical with.

You also don't have to be with someone. You're a person in your own right, you can be single.

If you want to have a healthy relationship on your own terms, you need to understand that your feelings areyour terms, and respect them, rather than trying to stop them from mattering. Feelings are signposts to show you the way

Exactly.

This applies to both unavailable guys and guys you're not truly interested in/attracted to.

Excellent advice everyone! Thank you all so much!

Just to be clear, the only reason the builder has developed a relationship with my DD is simply because he worked in my house along with other builders doing my extension. I have never introduced my DD to anyone I like romantically, only men who are my friends husbands that's it.

I have good boundaries now I've learnt from the past and can quickly work out if a guy is only interested in sex or time wasters. I move on quickly.

I'm lucky to have a great group of mates who I go out with and family who live five minutes away who look after my DD for me. So I can have a social life, but I would struggle seeing someone all the time as my life is too full on. But I'm hopeful with the right person they will be happy to not rush things.

Next time he contacts me I'll be honest and say it's best we leave things.

I have good boundaries now I've learnt from the past and can quickly work out if a guy is only interested in sex or time wasters. I move on quickly

Assessing quickly what another person is like isn't having good boundaries, and if you think it is, you need to learn what having good boundaries is: It's responding swiftly and definitively to respect your own feelings, by being willing to take whatever action is necessary.

Your boundaries are about you, not other people and what they want.

I think you sound quite sensible - you've dated someone who intrigued you even though you didn't want to rip his clothes off immediately, so you continued dating him. That's not what people who are stuck in their 'bad boy' pattern do.

But if you are just not interested, this isn't necessarily to do with past patterns - it could simply be you don't fancy him and never will - because he just doesn't float your boat, even though he is a nice guy. We won't all fancy the same nice guys or indeed fancy a man just because they are a nice guy.

You generally know within a date or two if there is ANYTHING there - especially as you have known him for a year already.

Christmas, yes I agree, I am fully open to getting to know someone nice, respectful, kind etc but who I'm attracted to,

Recently I met a guy I had instant attraction to who I met while I was away on a girls holiday. But I knew early on there was an element of unavailability with him and walked away. I do know what I'm doing. But just not the right person yet 😊

I wasn't attracted to my oh in that way, but we got on so well and went out after a while, he kissed me and I was like 'oh this is nice!' took him home for a try out and it all worked out. I'm not the type who needs to be blown away but to feel special, like my needs matter and that we work in harmony. It's lasted a good while now, through thick and thin. Just a thought

"Once my job was complete he asked me out on a date, but I was honest and that I think I didn't see him that way. But we met up again recently and he has again expressed and interest in me, I said let's just be friends and see if anything comes of it that way. I was very clear that I didn't want to lead him on or hurt him either."

You told him once that you only wanted to be friends, and he asked and expressed interest again...as if you've never declined..

Red flag. No means no. He should have respected your boundaries the first time.

You are leading him on by continuing meeting up and communicating with him, knowing that he wants a relationship..and is hoping it turns into more.

Leave him alone. The romantic attraction isn't there for you. You can't force feelings and attraction when there isn't any.

Attraction and compatibility are very important in building any relationship. That's just your personal preference that you want a good looking person.

You two aren't on the same page.

He wants a relationship.
You want friendship.

He knows your intentions.
You know his.

Nothing good will and can come out of this.
Leave each other alone.

I think when you've known someone in a professional capacity or who was out of bounds for some other reason, you can shut that part of your brain off and it takes a while to get in the right place to be something else.

I worked with a colleague for almost a decade. We were both married, he was a nice man and recognisably attractive but he didn't "do" anything for me, why would he I wasn't interested in him that way? Anyway, things changed, it was a very slow burn, but eventually it became the best sex I've ever had.

I've left things a while ago and not initiated contact. A couple of days ago he tried calling me and I didn't pick up, then he messaged me and I replied nicely but with nothing that would suggest I'm interested.

Hopefully that should enough.

I definitely want to meet someone I'm attracted to who is nice 😊

He's too old for you.

When I was younger I might have agreed to a date with someone I didn't fancy. Now I wouldn't even entertain that.

Throw into the pot you said no to him and he asked you again anyway. Ick. No.

If you don't fancy them you don't fancy them. At best they are a friend. And not even that if they want to date you.

Women are constantly told to settle. We don't tell men to go on dates with women they don't fancy. We respect their judgement about themselves and their tastes.

You don't like him. You don't owe him shit.

Dunno. I think there's spider senses here, Re: your DD

I was in a relationship with someone for a long time who I felt similar about. It was never enough. I think you have two options try it and see if more develops or leave it in the friend zone. I think it’s easy to confuse flattery sometimes. Also I feel I have put the man’s feelings before my own at times and you need to think about what you want/need.

Not all the close age relationships shine well.

Sometimes the opposite.