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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Husband!!

31 replies

Crazybunny · 09/09/2023 19:31

Please help me gain perspective. I married my husband 12 years ago. We have a 10 year old and a 7 year old. We are from mixed cultures. However when I met him he said he didn't follow his culture and was very westernised. On our second date he asked me if I had a one night stand before. I said no as we had only known each other 2 days. I had a one night stand 4 years before I met him with someone i worked with. After 4 years of being together and when I was pregnant with our first child he found out I lied. For the last 8 years I have suffered every type of abuse (apart from sexual) because if my lie. I've ruined his life, I'm a bitch. I get spat at, hit, called every name etc because of the trauma I've caused him anout my lie. Now I accept I should not have lied but it was in my past I honestly did not mean to hurt him. Hes now left again to go out with friends after a big row, one sided from him. I can't take this much more I'm really not a bad person. He is ten years younger then me and part of me feels this is just an excuse as he doesn't want the life he has anymore.

OP posts:
TheLightSideOfTheMoon · 09/09/2023 19:34

Your past sex life is no one’s business but yours.

Can you leave? Go to your parents or similar?

TGGreen · 09/09/2023 19:34

You need to leave.

pictoosh · 09/09/2023 19:35

What an awful man.

RusholmeRuffian · 09/09/2023 19:35

Get out of this abusive relationship as soon as you can!

TooOldForAllThisNonsense · 09/09/2023 19:37

He HITS you, SPITS on you, calls you awful names, apparently because of something that happened years ago (which was none of his business). PLEASE, get out and take your children to a women's refuge. This man is a horrible bastard.

Ianzii · 09/09/2023 19:37

I'm going to give it to you straight lady. He wants out ! It's not the lie it's not you, he just wants to leave but doesn't know how so he is trying to crate something until you let him go. It's not going to change so don't delay the inevitable and pull the plaster out ! You're far more better without him than with him. Think of the poor children having to witness this kind of behaviour. If he wants to talk trauma, those poor children will have a lot to deal with watching their dad spit and verbally abuse their mum!

Original poster
Crazybunny · 09/09/2023 20:22

Thank you for all of your responses. I know I shouldn't have lied, I've held my hands up anout that but it happened years before I even met him I honestly did not think it would matter.

OP posts:
Jamjaris · 01/11/2023 11:58

It’s not your fault he is treating you with such contempt, he is a hideous person and had he not been able to blame his behaviour on finding out about the one night stand then it would of been blamed on literally anything like the way you make coffee etc to make you feel guilty and deserving of his abuse. Please leave now for your children sake

Sexlivesofthepotatomen · 01/11/2023 12:50

Leave. Now

Velvetbee · 01/11/2023 13:01

You need to leave. What is your situation, who is on the tenancy, do you own jointly, do you work? You deserve so much better than him.

1Ta1T · 01/11/2023 13:23

His behaviour towards you IS inexcusable and there is absolutely no reason why you deserve it or should accept it.

Also, your past sex life IS something you could at the time have chosen not to give him information about. But don't lie to people, especially those who you want to trust you. If you can't or don't want to answer honestly, be frank and say you don't want to answer. That would have enabled him to decide whether to proceed with and deepen the relationship without knowing that information, or whether that would be impossible for him. For some people (and I am not saying such people are balanced people or people I would view positively) knowing about a person's past sex life is an important part of the picture they build up of the person and lying means they have built up an incorrect picture.

But, having said that, as I said at the beginning nothing excuses the disgusting way he is treating you now, you don't deserve it and you do not have to accept it.

SpringleDingle · 01/11/2023 13:28

He had no rights to that information in the first place. Your sexual history is your own business and none of anyone elses. You were not required to tell him this. He is abusing you and it has nothing to do with your "lie". He is abusing you because he is an abuser. You need to leave urgently, abuse escalates. He is vile.

therealcookiemonster · 01/11/2023 13:40

the only sexual history a partner is entitled to know is your sexual health history. end of. get rid. this is not your fault but you need to end it. especially because its harming your kids

anotherdisaster · 01/11/2023 13:52

Crazybunny · 09/09/2023 20:22

Thank you for all of your responses. I know I shouldn't have lied, I've held my hands up anout that but it happened years before I even met him I honestly did not think it would matter.

No-one here cares about the lie and actually it was none of his business. It absolutely does not excuse his abuse of you. Please get out ASAP. If he does anything else in the meantime, call the police.

Aquamarine1029 · 01/11/2023 13:58

You need to call the police because your husband should be in jail.

FYI, your husband would have found any excuse at all to abuse you with. Your ONS is irrelevant.

Get the fuck out of there. Right now while he's gone.

AuntMarch · 01/11/2023 14:03

No lie would justify this. You could have been having an affair with his own father and he would still be far more wrong. His treatment of you is criminal. A one night stand is not.

Please seek help to leave

AuntMarch · 01/11/2023 14:04

...and now I see it is an oldish thread. I really hope you have already got out!

warriorofhopelessness · 01/11/2023 14:42

Crazybunny · 09/09/2023 20:22

Thank you for all of your responses. I know I shouldn't have lied, I've held my hands up anout that but it happened years before I even met him I honestly did not think it would matter.

You are not obliged to disclose past sexual history. It's not about you lying, this about him abusive to you. If he objects so much your past he has the choice to leave you not to hit you and spit on you.

Pinkbonbon · 01/11/2023 14:55

Crazybunny · 09/09/2023 20:22

Thank you for all of your responses. I know I shouldn't have lied, I've held my hands up anout that but it happened years before I even met him I honestly did not think it would matter.

He asked you on a second date ffs, it was none of his bbusiness.You had every right to lie. Infacr, you should have told him to mind his own business as he was asking a very inappropriate question for a second date.

He isn't abusing you because of a lie. He's using the lie as an excuse to abuse you. If it wasn't that it would be something else.

You need to leave him or your children will grow up thinking hitting people and abuse is normal and women should tolerate it. Would you want them to end up in a similar relationship? Because that's what's going to happen.

You also, should go to the police. No one has the right to assault you. And he has assaulted you. He belongs in jail tbh. There are no circumstances under which his behaviour is ok.

You've done nothing wrong.
And abusers like him will punish you anyway.
Get out.

Mari9999 · 01/11/2023 15:16

@Crazybunny
Why did you feel a need to discuss your sexual psst with someone 10 years your junior that yoh had only know for 2 days? If you had known him for 10 years that would not have been his business.. Now you let him hit and spit on you? Do you not feed that you have any agency and control of your life?

What is happening to you is not the results of your having lied. It is happening because of his lack of character.

You action or inaction is saying to your daughter that there is some legitimate reasons for a man to hit a woman.

This man's age , culture, nor your sexual history give him the right to hit or abuse you.

IF you do not have the financial resources to leave, you should seek assistance from a local domestic violence group. Chances are that he has grown weary of the relationship and is seeking a way out.

You do not need to be his punching bag. He brings nothing to your life that makes this acceptable or tolerable. If you cannot do this for yourself , do it for your children. They do not need to grow up witnessing your quiet acceptance of physical abuse.

LifeExperience · 01/11/2023 15:24

He's using the fact that you had a one night stand as justification to physically and emotionally abuse you. Your sexual history before you met was none of his business, ever.

Unless you want your sons to be abusers and your daughters to be abused, you must leave.

Flyhigher · 01/11/2023 15:26

It's disgusting. What culture is he and are you?

Flyhigher · 01/11/2023 15:28

He's having a long drawn out breakdown. He's not well. But it's no excuse. You have to get out.

Nanny0gg · 01/11/2023 15:37

Flyhigher · 01/11/2023 15:28

He's having a long drawn out breakdown. He's not well. But it's no excuse. You have to get out.

Not well???

Captainspaulding · 01/11/2023 15:39

Muslim i'm guessing?