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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Is this normal.

33 replies

Daisy12Maisie · 09/09/2023 17:32

Ill change a few details so i cant be identified but the "facts" are:

Ive lived alone wirh my children for a long time.
Full time stressful job plus overtime.
Own business that is purely an investment for children and in 5 years i can close it down. It is costing me money at the moment due to interest rates so very stressful. Hopefully there is a resolution for this but not confirmed.

So i am aware i may be over reacting due to stress.

3 weeks ago i broke my arm so cant drive. I have been struggling to walk to bus stop (quite far away) because of heat. Shopping is harder. I can order online but things i need daily im trekking to the shop for as well as the usual working, running a house etc.

Bf of 2 years hasnt offered to help once. We live separately and recently its emerged that he always wantd to live separately. I dont as i think life would be easier in a couple eg if something breaks not 100% my problem to fix.

Ive said im strggling with shopping at the moment.
He has told his mate that the accident was my fault. It was but its still not nice that he said that.

There is a household thing i need to sort out (cant explain without being outing). Very difficult with broken arm and he has said ill help you when im back from my holiday next week. He also said he would help me if i needed a lift to the shops then. My issue is i dont believe him. He hasnt helped until now despite me asking. So he is basically saying 4 weeks after you need help i will help you but i dont think he will. He is away for 3 nights next week.

Im not usually so needy and can look after myself but its been a horrendous 3 weeks and i feel like what is the point of having a bf if the one time i need help he doesnt help me. A friend came to visit and got me some flowers the day after the accident. She mentioned that when i spoke to him on the phone he just spoke about himself and didnt ask if i was ok.

When ive brought up something perfectly reasonable before he made out i was being ridiculous so i know he will react badly if i say i feel really alone and crap and basically still single as i get no support. If it was the other way round i would definitely be helping him because i wouldnt want to watch him struggle.

I may be over reacting as life is stressful at the moment.
Any thoughts or advice?

Im not going to say anything else to him before he goes away but i will when he gets back.

OP posts:
AthenaWhite · 09/09/2023 17:35

Just get rid. He sounds like an utter waste of space and very unkind.

Dotcheck · 09/09/2023 17:35

Why do you want to stay in the relationship?

Thesmellofcutgrass77 · 09/09/2023 17:42

No the main things you want in a relationship are kindness and lack of selfishness and I’m afraid your dp fails on both fronts. If he was half decent he would have offered to help you do the food shop. That’s just basic decency. Sorry op. Hope your arm recovers soon.

Moveoverdarlin · 09/09/2023 17:44

He sounds like a selfish POS.

Grendell · 09/09/2023 17:46

He is awful! I would not count on him for anything, from basic kindness and empathy to practical assistance, now or in the future. Ditch him!

TheGirlFromTomorrow · 09/09/2023 17:54

Sounds like a dumping offence to me

thecatinthetwat · 09/09/2023 17:58

It’s not what you want op, you need to find someone else.

MrTiddlesTheCat · 09/09/2023 17:59

He doesn't care for you at all. A random stranger in the street would offer you more kindness.

Watchkeys · 09/09/2023 17:59

It's not to do with what's 'normal' or whether you are 'over-reacting'. Who decides what the 'correct' level of reacting is, anyway?

You decide what you want in a partner, and you have a look at what you've got. Then you decide if he's the right one for you.

What you're asking is like asking 'Is chicken and chips normal?' Well, yes, it is normal, for some people, sometimes. But that doesn't mean it's what you want, right now, and you might never want it, and that's up to you, regardless of what 'normal' might be.

NoSquirrels · 09/09/2023 18:04

i feel like what is the point of having a bf if the one time i need help he doesnt help me.

Well quite. He sounds fucking horrible. When someone shows you who they are, believe them. He’s shown you he’s a selfish arsehole.

MariePaperRoses · 09/09/2023 18:09

I was going to write a long post about uncaring personalities etc but basically the guy is a complete and utter wanker and best dumped before the winter season when no doubt he will come down with a touch of man flu and expect you to wait on him hand and foot.

Seaoftroubles · 09/09/2023 18:20

He sounds dreadful OP. He has shown you who he is, and it's a selfish, unkind and uncaring POS. I can't think how he enhances your life in any way. Dump asap!

BlastedPimples · 09/09/2023 18:41

Toe rag. Get rid. Awful person.

I'm sorry you're struggling. Do you have any friends who could help?

Original poster
Daisy12Maisie · 09/09/2023 21:51

Thank you everyone. I know it doesnt matter what other people think is normal but it helps to hear that im not over reacting. I have my best friend here so im fine im just upset that i have to rely on otbers when i should be able to rely on him.

OP posts:
Loubelle70 · 09/09/2023 23:00

Daisy12Maisie · 09/09/2023 17:32

Ill change a few details so i cant be identified but the "facts" are:

Ive lived alone wirh my children for a long time.
Full time stressful job plus overtime.
Own business that is purely an investment for children and in 5 years i can close it down. It is costing me money at the moment due to interest rates so very stressful. Hopefully there is a resolution for this but not confirmed.

So i am aware i may be over reacting due to stress.

3 weeks ago i broke my arm so cant drive. I have been struggling to walk to bus stop (quite far away) because of heat. Shopping is harder. I can order online but things i need daily im trekking to the shop for as well as the usual working, running a house etc.

Bf of 2 years hasnt offered to help once. We live separately and recently its emerged that he always wantd to live separately. I dont as i think life would be easier in a couple eg if something breaks not 100% my problem to fix.

Ive said im strggling with shopping at the moment.
He has told his mate that the accident was my fault. It was but its still not nice that he said that.

There is a household thing i need to sort out (cant explain without being outing). Very difficult with broken arm and he has said ill help you when im back from my holiday next week. He also said he would help me if i needed a lift to the shops then. My issue is i dont believe him. He hasnt helped until now despite me asking. So he is basically saying 4 weeks after you need help i will help you but i dont think he will. He is away for 3 nights next week.

Im not usually so needy and can look after myself but its been a horrendous 3 weeks and i feel like what is the point of having a bf if the one time i need help he doesnt help me. A friend came to visit and got me some flowers the day after the accident. She mentioned that when i spoke to him on the phone he just spoke about himself and didnt ask if i was ok.

When ive brought up something perfectly reasonable before he made out i was being ridiculous so i know he will react badly if i say i feel really alone and crap and basically still single as i get no support. If it was the other way round i would definitely be helping him because i wouldnt want to watch him struggle.

I may be over reacting as life is stressful at the moment.
Any thoughts or advice?

Im not going to say anything else to him before he goes away but i will when he gets back.

He wants a relationship only when good happens, get rid OP. Can you ask your friend whom bought you flowers to help with shopping xxx

DutchessOfDukeStreet · 09/09/2023 23:08

There's a saying
"Givers need to set limits because takers don't have any"
He sounds absolutely useless, open your eyes and see the selfish sod for what he is.

INeedAnotherName · 09/09/2023 23:20

Someone once posted if you want to know the measure of the man do two things.

Be ill.
Say no.

Yours has failed. Get rid.

pastypirate · 09/09/2023 23:27

Ffs I barely know my neighbours but if they break their arm I'd think nothing of food shopping and all sorts for them if they needed help!

Get rid

Original poster
Daisy12Maisie · 09/09/2023 23:41

Thank you everyone. I have done an online shop and my best friend has offered to help if i need anything. Its just his lack of care and empathy that has upset me.
Im now thinking of how to word things as i know he will say that he did offer to help and imply im just being ridiculous. He did but it was too little too late and i dont believe he will actually do it.
I might just say the truth but very briefly so there is less to argue with. "The relationship is not making me happy as i feel like im on my own."

We have had good times but i dont feel like im treated kindly. As a previous poster said most people would offer to help the neighbour never mind their gf.

OP posts:
INeedAnotherName · 09/09/2023 23:49

Im now thinking of how to word things as i know he will say that he did offer to help and imply im just being ridiculous.
Well there you go. He's a manipulative one as well. You shouldn't have to think how to word things, or use the correct tone, or wait until the timing is better...only emotionally abused women have to do that. Penny dropped yet?

Anewnamea · 10/09/2023 00:01

You’re not over reacting and well done for noticing his lack of effort. An old friend of mine has been with her partner for over a decade and has kids with him. He never attends their birthday celebrations unless it’s in their house or helps with presents, he does the minimum around the house and doesn't give her emotional or much financial support…what she does is lean on her female friends instead, while tolerating the bare minimum from him.

Women should demand more from their partners than their friends if anything, so it’s good you have seen the problem with your best friend showing more support than him.

If he pushes back on your text I advise bluntly contrasting your best friends efforts to his and stating how it’s very telling how his efforts pale in comparison to her and that when one has broken their arm they need an offer of help sooner not later!

scoobydoo1971 · 10/09/2023 00:40

I dumped my ex-boyfriend for being unhelpful when I was having surgery and lots of medical treatment. His words of 'help' were there, just not the actions. He said it wasn't in his nature to help people ever, and I said it wasn't in my nature to stay with someone like that. I had hand surgery two weeks ago, and it is very painful. I understand you are struggling and you do need to rest to get a good outcome, even if the household tasks are ignored for a while. No decent man would leave you to cope on your own, and he is disgusting. I had no regrets in ditching my waste of space, and neither should you.

RIPDotCotton · 10/09/2023 00:58

Not normal at all. The lack of empathy and kindness is huge and a big red flag. I’m still living with a man like this and my biggest fear is getting really sick at some point and having to also deal with an unkind, unsympathetic selfish person who makes it all about them. The most important trait for me would have to be kindness. Sounds like you deserve better.

Catoo · 10/09/2023 00:58

Get rid OP.
Suggested wording: I’m ending our relationship. Good bye.

Greensleeves · 10/09/2023 00:59

He's conditioning you to expect fuck all from him. That's his plan for your future. Bin.

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