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Original poster

Partner found sexting

49 replies

Bambi1980 · 09/09/2023 13:06

Hi all, I’ve been with my partner since 2009. We got engaged in 2013 but then had a child in 2014 and twins in 2017 so never got round to tying the knot. We have our own home. I work full time and he is part time and works from home.

Last night I was taking a photo using his phone of my little girls new tooth coming through. I went to send the photo to myself and noticed on his frequently contacted list was an instagram account of a woman I didn’t recognise. I then went to his instagram
messaged and found he had been speaking to this woman and had sent her dick pics and she had sent him intimate photos of her nether regions. He was saying really explicit stuff to her about what he wanted to do to her. It knocked me sick! She asked him for money and he said he was skint but would do when he got paid. He was calling her beautiful and saying she had blown his mind! I then noticed he had been chatting to another woman on there too and that was from about March. He was saying he would help her get a new laptop and similar intimate things.

After the kids were in bed I confronted him and he admitted what he’d done but said he felt lonely and had just wanted the attention. He doesn’t see his friends and doesn’t speak to other adults. He was very sorry and ashamed for what he had done.

A bit of a back story but we aren’t intimate at all anymore. We share a bit but haven’t had sex since the twins were conceived! It feels so embarrassing to say that but it’s true. I don’t feel very sexually attracted to him anymore and I don’t feel he is towards me. We don’t really talk as we are busy all the time with the kids. We have little help as my parents have passed away and his are elderly. We never go anywhere together really.

I just don’t know what to do now. I feel really betrayed but know deep down he wouldn’t have met with these women, but he’s never said those things to me that he was saying to them.

If he left he has no money to get his own place and would be living with his parents. There isn’t enough room there for the kids to stay. I don’t want to ruin their childhood either. I would be struggling financially to run the house alone.

I just don’t know what to do?

Thanks for reading as I know it’s a long one!

OP posts:
Blough · 09/09/2023 13:11

The relationship is clearly long over anyway, so look in to selling the house and buying something cheaper yourself. If he won’t parent his kids for overnights, he’ll have to pay maintenance.

Doggymummar · 09/09/2023 13:13

Time to break up. That's a shit life for both of you

Blough · 09/09/2023 13:14

Like, there’s nothing to break up, you are just housemates who don’t speak, don’t do anything and are teaching your kids this miserable half-life is normal.

Dolores87 · 09/09/2023 13:15

You should end the relationship.

I was like wtf that's appalling until you said you haven't had any sex since 2017 😕 and tbh I am not surprised this has happened in that case.

I think you should talk calmly to him. End the relationship and between you maturely work out how to separate whilst making sure you are both set up in your own homes so you can co-parent your children effectively.

His behaviour has been awful for cheating but this is a relationship that it sounds like nether of you have bothered to water and as a result it has died.

Ianzii · 09/09/2023 13:15

It seems to me that you both live as friends more than partners and as long as you both patent well you might as well consider open relationship until the time is right for him to move out or it might rekindle your relationship and make you both jealous and want to get back together.

Snugglemonkey · 09/09/2023 13:16

Blough · 09/09/2023 13:14

Like, there’s nothing to break up, you are just housemates who don’t speak, don’t do anything and are teaching your kids this miserable half-life is normal.

Sadly, this about sums it up.

TiredMummma · 09/09/2023 13:17

So sorry you are going through this op but maybe it's the trigger that was needed to discuss your relationship's future?

pikkumyy77 · 09/09/2023 13:21

I agree with the previous posters—this sad half life is unfair to all of you. Including the children. Its really better to start living life for yourself and your children than hang in to the dead husk of this relationship.

IDontLoveTheWayYouLie · 09/09/2023 13:24

You both need to go and be happy somewhere else. This isn't a relationship anymore.

Cowlover89 · 09/09/2023 13:25

LTB

onlylovecanhurtlikethis · 09/09/2023 13:25

I get it OP - I have 3 young children including a set of twins and so yeah finding the time and energy for sex is nigh on impossible. Others will say this is terrible way to live and to leave but they probably have no idea of the relentlessness of raising 3 kids - twins in the mix - and no help as you have.
Have you spoke to him about your sex life? What does he say about the lack of sex?

Original poster
Bambi1980 · 09/09/2023 13:28

Don’t get me wrong we don’t argue in front of the kids and we got out as a family but I’m saying we do very little as a couple. This is a lot to do with having no family to help.
I don’t know about giving couples therapy a try or is it past that?

it’s going to be very difficult re the house etc as he didn’t put anything into it. I have put all the deposit down and we only moved here a year ago. It’s a such a massive upheaval all of this.

OP posts:
Original poster
Bambi1980 · 09/09/2023 13:28

Sorry not sure what that means?

OP posts:
Original poster
Bambi1980 · 09/09/2023 13:28

Sorry not sure what that means?

OP posts:
Original poster
Bambi1980 · 09/09/2023 13:30

We spoke about it a long time ago and it just ended up in an argument then as time goes on it becomes like the elephant in the room. No one wants to make the first move and you’re exhausted as you say. It then just becomes the norm and isn’t even spoken about.

OP posts:
Bobbotgegrinch · 09/09/2023 13:33

It sounds like you barely have a relationship anyway, so while the sensible thing would have been to end it, is it really surprising that one of you started getting their kicks elsewhere?

It doesn't particularly sound like you're that bothered, and you're only thinking about continuing with him due to the financial aspects. I'd just end it, you're not exactly modelling a healthy relationship to your kids.

Blough · 09/09/2023 13:33

Is it only your name on the deeds? If so, he’s been very stupid, choosing not to have the legal protections of marriage, but that’s his problem.
Couples counselling would be spending money on a long-dead horse.

Blough · 09/09/2023 13:34

(Pressing ‘reply’ just means reply to the thread, not an individual comment)

Original poster
Bambi1980 · 09/09/2023 13:37

Of course I’m bothered but it’s hard to express that on a post. I’m also thinking of the practical elements as I know he has no money to get his own place. Yes his names on deeds, it’s a joint mortgage so I’m the one that’s been stupid!

OP posts:
Opentooffers · 09/09/2023 13:39

If you own the house, it's an easy case of him moving to his parents. If he's on the mortgage, then you were crazy to put him on seeing as you have paid for it all.
There's more to it than being busy with 3DC, you only had 1 when you conceived the twins and never tried again, so your relationship was already in trouble before they came along. Overall its probably better for yourself that you never married, seeing as you bring more to the table and it's cheaper to part.
Think back to when you initially got together, was it ever passionate? You can't get back what you may never have had.

booksandbeans · 09/09/2023 13:47

Another perspective is that he did not lie about it, and like many men still crave the attention they used to get before dc. If they don’t get it at home they will likely go elsewhere. You have not had sex in 5/6 years - the connection is lost as partners. Right now you are just parenting.

so either address ‘elephant in the room’ or split. Either way the status quo who both have been living had led to this moment.

Original poster
Bambi1980 · 09/09/2023 13:55

Opentooffers · 09/09/2023 13:39

If you own the house, it's an easy case of him moving to his parents. If he's on the mortgage, then you were crazy to put him on seeing as you have paid for it all.
There's more to it than being busy with 3DC, you only had 1 when you conceived the twins and never tried again, so your relationship was already in trouble before they came along. Overall its probably better for yourself that you never married, seeing as you bring more to the table and it's cheaper to part.
Think back to when you initially got together, was it ever passionate? You can't get back what you may never have had.

If I’m honest, no not passionate. He’d never had a girlfriend before, he was quite inexperienced. We would go out a lot drinking so it would be easier to relax and do things. Neither of us are very sexual people or maybe we don’t fit like that. Yeah re the house, I wouldn’t have got the mortgage alone without him on it but really should have considered a legal order as we weren’t married but we do these things.

OP posts:
Janieforever · 09/09/2023 13:58

I think he is a very sexual person op. I’m sorry, I mean what he’s doing is fucking grim. Paying for it like that. You don’t do that if you’re not very sexual.

Bluebellbear · 09/09/2023 14:06

Personally I wouldn’t break things up. Your kids are young what’s the alternative? Single mum in a house you don’t own? Nothing wrong with that at all but the grass isn’t always greener. Just go about your life. He’s not abusive. It is manageable, Yes you deserve more but everyone saying “break up it’s over” would you just leave and seriously downgrade your lifestyle?
I wouldn’t. Because then you’d also be unhappy. You’re not deeply unhappy (from what you’ve said) you’re just plodding.
obviously what he’s done is completely unacceptable, he just wants attention.
Id be honest with him, admit it’s over, lost it’s spark, see how he feels.
I presume he’s not willing to move out to his parents and still pay everything he does for you to remain at home?
id think about how your life looks without him. Not very comfortable I’d imagine..
do it when it’s right but get your ducks in a row first..

ell87 · 09/09/2023 14:55

I'm not justifying his behaviour but it was only a matter of time before one of you went elsewhere for sexual activity. 6 years is a very long time to go without intimacy.
The relationships over sadly.