Page 2 | Partner found sexting

KimKardashiansKarpetKrab · 09/09/2023 14:57

What are you most upset by OP?

Is it that he's betrayed you?

Or is it that you know about it and now will have to do something about it, rather than stay in denial about the state of your relationship?

Original poster

Bambi1980 · 09/09/2023 15:11

Bluebellbear · 09/09/2023 14:06

Personally I wouldn’t break things up. Your kids are young what’s the alternative? Single mum in a house you don’t own? Nothing wrong with that at all but the grass isn’t always greener. Just go about your life. He’s not abusive. It is manageable, Yes you deserve more but everyone saying “break up it’s over” would you just leave and seriously downgrade your lifestyle?
I wouldn’t. Because then you’d also be unhappy. You’re not deeply unhappy (from what you’ve said) you’re just plodding.
obviously what he’s done is completely unacceptable, he just wants attention.
Id be honest with him, admit it’s over, lost it’s spark, see how he feels.
I presume he’s not willing to move out to his parents and still pay everything he does for you to remain at home?
id think about how your life looks without him. Not very comfortable I’d imagine..
do it when it’s right but get your ducks in a row first..

Thank you. It’s the other way round though. We both own the house but I put all the money in and I’m the breadwinner so to speak.

OP posts:

Bluebellbear · 09/09/2023 15:19

Bambi1980 · 09/09/2023 15:11

Thank you. It’s the other way round though. We both own the house but I put all the money in and I’m the breadwinner so to speak.

Show quote history

Ok so if your life wouldn’t change dramatically what are you waiting for….
ask him to go? I wouldn’t be willing to support someone financially or emotionally who had done that. Financial independence is such a wonderful thing. Well done you

Loubelle70 · 09/09/2023 15:28

Bambi1980 · 09/09/2023 13:06

Hi all, I’ve been with my partner since 2009. We got engaged in 2013 but then had a child in 2014 and twins in 2017 so never got round to tying the knot. We have our own home. I work full time and he is part time and works from home.

Last night I was taking a photo using his phone of my little girls new tooth coming through. I went to send the photo to myself and noticed on his frequently contacted list was an instagram account of a woman I didn’t recognise. I then went to his instagram
messaged and found he had been speaking to this woman and had sent her dick pics and she had sent him intimate photos of her nether regions. He was saying really explicit stuff to her about what he wanted to do to her. It knocked me sick! She asked him for money and he said he was skint but would do when he got paid. He was calling her beautiful and saying she had blown his mind! I then noticed he had been chatting to another woman on there too and that was from about March. He was saying he would help her get a new laptop and similar intimate things.

After the kids were in bed I confronted him and he admitted what he’d done but said he felt lonely and had just wanted the attention. He doesn’t see his friends and doesn’t speak to other adults. He was very sorry and ashamed for what he had done.

A bit of a back story but we aren’t intimate at all anymore. We share a bit but haven’t had sex since the twins were conceived! It feels so embarrassing to say that but it’s true. I don’t feel very sexually attracted to him anymore and I don’t feel he is towards me. We don’t really talk as we are busy all the time with the kids. We have little help as my parents have passed away and his are elderly. We never go anywhere together really.

I just don’t know what to do now. I feel really betrayed but know deep down he wouldn’t have met with these women, but he’s never said those things to me that he was saying to them.

If he left he has no money to get his own place and would be living with his parents. There isn’t enough room there for the kids to stay. I don’t want to ruin their childhood either. I would be struggling financially to run the house alone.

I just don’t know what to do?

Thanks for reading as I know it’s a long one!

I had this (very similar). I was always one to initiate though so it wasn't that i was too knackered like yourself OP.
yes theyre living like housemates, but he should have had words about the relationship before embarking on sexting other women. I dunno.... personally id had enough because it was one after the other and will you evet trust him on the internet or phone if you rekindle? We rekindled, he promised not to do again, and he did, many times. It depends in the person.

twoandcooplease · 09/09/2023 16:05

If you both wanted to be together you could still work on it. It's not impossible but you've let the love die for too long and now he's just your housemate

pikkumyy77 · 09/09/2023 16:22

Oh for god’s sake—take pity on this guy if you can’t summon up the strength for yourself and send him home to his parents. At least he will be able to start afresh, without shame, getting sexual needs met.

Original poster

Bambi1980 · 09/09/2023 17:17

pikkumyy77 · 09/09/2023 16:22

Oh for god’s sake—take pity on this guy if you can’t summon up the strength for yourself and send him home to his parents. At least he will be able to start afresh, without shame, getting sexual needs met.

Very blunt! As if things are that easy! 😂

OP posts:

SpanieAttack · 09/09/2023 17:24

Bambi1980 · 09/09/2023 17:17

Very blunt! As if things are that easy! 😂

Show quote history

Well, it kind of could be.

Just do it.

Sort out the child contact schedule straight away and then financials afterwards, but to start with just get him out.

You have the perfect opportunity now, for you to move on.

Moveoverdarlin · 09/09/2023 17:37

If he’s sending pictures of his dick to other women, he is a sexual person. Whilst it’s shitty behaviour it’s not exactly a shock when he hasn’t had sex with his partner for six years. Surely that must have occurred to you over the years that he might look elsewhere?

Blough · 09/09/2023 17:41

It’s pretty easy though. He’s a housemate, so just sort child contact schedule and buying him out/selling the house. No divorce fees required.

Original poster

Bambi1980 · 09/09/2023 18:06

pikkumyy77 · 09/09/2023 16:22

Oh for god’s sake—take pity on this guy if you can’t summon up the strength for yourself and send him home to his parents. At least he will be able to start afresh, without shame, getting sexual needs met.

I like how you imply I’m not meeting his sexual needs, what about mine?

OP posts:

OldTinHat · 09/09/2023 18:13

End the marriage and move on. Don't worry about him, sort yourself out and get a good solicitor.

Loubelle70 · 09/09/2023 18:25

pikkumyy77 · 09/09/2023 16:22

Oh for god’s sake—take pity on this guy if you can’t summon up the strength for yourself and send him home to his parents. At least he will be able to start afresh, without shame, getting sexual needs met.

OP hasnt been getting her needs met either. Lets not poor old guy it

Loubelle70 · 09/09/2023 18:25

Bambi1980 · 09/09/2023 18:06

I like how you imply I’m not meeting his sexual needs, what about mine?

Show quote history

Exactly!!!!

onestepfromgrace · 09/09/2023 18:31

Why can’t he work full time and contribute more and support himself?

Blough · 09/09/2023 18:34

@OldTinHat there is no marriage.

Loubelle70 · 09/09/2023 18:37

pikkumyy77 · 09/09/2023 16:22

Oh for god’s sake—take pity on this guy if you can’t summon up the strength for yourself and send him home to his parents. At least he will be able to start afresh, without shame, getting sexual needs met.

Also lets not absolve any responsibility from OP OH...why didn't he leave before now, before sexting?. Completely unfair to have a go at OP but have sympathy for OH who is in essence, cheating

GrumpyPanda · 09/09/2023 18:40

No matter what you decide to do in the long run, maybe while he's still feeling guilty would be a good idea to get your contribution to the house ringfenced?

NotNowGertrude · 09/09/2023 19:53

Might be worth seeing a solicitor to understand where you stand if you do decide to split. You're not married so surely you get back what you put into the house? Sorry this is happening to you

justwatchingtelly · 09/09/2023 20:35

@Bambi1980 I think you need to ask yourself what you hope for.

do you want a future with this man?
do you want to have both parents under the same roof for your children, or do you think you could all be happier if he lived with his parents? *if you want to stay together, what would you work on as a couple? *both of you deserve to be loved and appreciated, and to get your sexual needs met. How will that happen in the near future? *if you want to live together but not remain a couple, how would that look when you are both dating? *what do you want, for yourself and for your children, in the future. What do the best and worse case scenarios look like for you both, individually and as a couple/family.

Ask him the same questions, and see if you are both on the same page.

The big question, of course, is can you move on from this?

pikkumyy77 · 09/09/2023 20:52

Bambi1980 · 09/09/2023 18:06

I like how you imply I’m not meeting his sexual needs, what about mine?

Show quote history

Look I absolutely think you should be getting your sexual needs met! My comment suggested if you couldn’t prioritize yourself you should at least throw him back.
Of course you should get your needs met—but you have agency too. You guys haven’t had sex for years snd don’t seem to be able to talk about it. His solution is to furtively sext so on the surface nothing changes. Your solution was to ignore his needs and your own so nothing has to change.

The only reason to stay together is finances and logistics. He is, as it turns out, a sexual being and you are too. So dump him and start fresh.

pikkumyy77 · 09/09/2023 20:59

Loubelle70 · 09/09/2023 18:37

Also lets not absolve any responsibility from OP OH...why didn't he leave before now, before sexting?. Completely unfair to have a go at OP but have sympathy for OH who is in essence, cheating

Show quote history

I’m not “having a go” at OP. This may be a difference between American and English advice/support. The only person who can and will act decisively here is OP. Her partner already made his choice. I don’t see any value in wasting everyone’s time saying “there, there, he’s very bad” Of course he is! But all the more reason to get on with it. Throw him out if sexual fidelity matters to OP—it would to me! But recognize that throwing him out is not a punishment but just a free-ing of both OP and the cheating partner. Only by throwing him out can OP free herself, too.

delicaterose · 24/08/2024 13:31

Bambi1980 · 09/09/2023 13:06

Hi all, I’ve been with my partner since 2009. We got engaged in 2013 but then had a child in 2014 and twins in 2017 so never got round to tying the knot. We have our own home. I work full time and he is part time and works from home.

Last night I was taking a photo using his phone of my little girls new tooth coming through. I went to send the photo to myself and noticed on his frequently contacted list was an instagram account of a woman I didn’t recognise. I then went to his instagram
messaged and found he had been speaking to this woman and had sent her dick pics and she had sent him intimate photos of her nether regions. He was saying really explicit stuff to her about what he wanted to do to her. It knocked me sick! She asked him for money and he said he was skint but would do when he got paid. He was calling her beautiful and saying she had blown his mind! I then noticed he had been chatting to another woman on there too and that was from about March. He was saying he would help her get a new laptop and similar intimate things.

After the kids were in bed I confronted him and he admitted what he’d done but said he felt lonely and had just wanted the attention. He doesn’t see his friends and doesn’t speak to other adults. He was very sorry and ashamed for what he had done.

A bit of a back story but we aren’t intimate at all anymore. We share a bit but haven’t had sex since the twins were conceived! It feels so embarrassing to say that but it’s true. I don’t feel very sexually attracted to him anymore and I don’t feel he is towards me. We don’t really talk as we are busy all the time with the kids. We have little help as my parents have passed away and his are elderly. We never go anywhere together really.

I just don’t know what to do now. I feel really betrayed but know deep down he wouldn’t have met with these women, but he’s never said those things to me that he was saying to them.

If he left he has no money to get his own place and would be living with his parents. There isn’t enough room there for the kids to stay. I don’t want to ruin their childhood either. I would be struggling financially to run the house alone.

I just don’t know what to do?

Thanks for reading as I know it’s a long one!

Sorry you went through this devastating experience. Shocked at some of the comments to be honest 😞 hope you found some support to help you through this and just wondering how you are doing now?

Original poster

Bambi1980 · 24/08/2024 14:33

Hi, thanks for commenting. We are still
together but things are pretty much the same really. We still haven’t been intimate but just plod on. Nothing much changed after this. He was very apologetic and promised it wouldn’t happen again and I accepted it. It’s too difficult for me to just end things and walk away. The biggest thing is the kids. He’s a brilliant father and does more than enough of his share helping as I work longer hours and can’t be around at school times. Can’t see much changing until kids are older. I have kind of accepted it. Either we split up which will be a massive upheaval or stay together until it’s easier. We mostly get on and don’t argue in front of the kids. It is what it is.

OP posts: