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Original poster

Jealousy over a co worker

45 replies

Newuserbekind · 09/09/2023 13:05

Does anyone else get jealous over co-workers?

Myself and my partner work at the same place, a new woman started last year and she's really attractive and they speak quite a bit (nature of the job) although he speaks to others too-because she's blonde and attractive and single it makes me paranoid. I have been with my partner for 5 years.

In my head I don't see why he wouldn't want to be with her and in my head I've created this scenario they're close and eventually he will leave me for her and how could I work somewhere where they would be together if we did break up and how would I manage it.

It's a terribly destructive way of thinking and I find myself becoming quiet and short with him because of this scenario I've created in my head. It's not healthy for me, how do I manage it?

I've been cheated on at least 3 times in my life and wonder if it stems from that?

OP posts:
wavws · 09/09/2023 13:14

why’s her hair colour relevant, is that his type or something?

I think ultimately he’s with you and has chosen you, so you need to think more about what you have to offer that she doesn’t. You’re the one in the relationship - you should feel strong enough in your 5 year long relationship that he can speak to anyone during the day but the bond/love/attraction you have supersedes that.

maybe you need counselling to go through your previous breakups? The type of thought process you’re having could destroy your relationship, and that would have nothing to do with this co-worker but more from how you’re treating him badly.

frozendaisy · 09/09/2023 14:33

If you didn't work together you would never know.

H sometimes says "X at work is beautiful" and it can just be a fact X can be beautiful but he's it going to fall into bed with X.

Have you tried, not making friends as such, but just saying hello to blondie yourself? What do you know about her? She might find men at work being over attentive utterly soul destroying but hides it well. She might be totally in love with someone not at work. She might like women. She might just have no attraction to your BF.

You are more likely to sabotage your relationship taking out your imagined thoughts on your BF because that's just unsustainable for anyone.

Ollifer · 09/09/2023 15:06

frozendaisy · 09/09/2023 14:33

If you didn't work together you would never know.

H sometimes says "X at work is beautiful" and it can just be a fact X can be beautiful but he's it going to fall into bed with X.

Have you tried, not making friends as such, but just saying hello to blondie yourself? What do you know about her? She might find men at work being over attentive utterly soul destroying but hides it well. She might be totally in love with someone not at work. She might like women. She might just have no attraction to your BF.

You are more likely to sabotage your relationship taking out your imagined thoughts on your BF because that's just unsustainable for anyone.

I can't imagine most partners coming home and saying a colleague was beautiful, seems a bit odd to me and think I'd be a bit taken aback!

ExtraOnions · 09/09/2023 15:12

Not all women are predators, waiting for the opportunity to steal men away. You need to check your misogyny.

Catsafterme · 09/09/2023 15:13

It's likely stemming from your past experiences I would say but it doesn't mean that he would. At the end of the day if someone is going to cheat, they will and there's nothing you can do about it

In that scenario they weren't worth being with anyway but if you let your thoughts rule you on something that hasn't happened and may never happen, you'll drive yourself insane and do damage to the relationship.

Should something arise that gives you real concern then perhaps talk to him about it but until then not much will come from worrying.

BeggyMitchell · 09/09/2023 15:17

Are blondes his type OP? Just wondering why you mentioned that specifically.

frozendaisy · 09/09/2023 15:21

Ollifer · 09/09/2023 15:06

I can't imagine most partners coming home and saying a colleague was beautiful, seems a bit odd to me and think I'd be a bit taken aback!

Show quote history

It might read odd to you but it really isn't for us, it's not like it's all the time or he's like a panting dog on heat! I mention beautiful men if I have come across one. If it comes it and it's part of the conversation.

When out we both say people are beautiful if they are and are around. It is possible to admire beauty for just what it is. Male & female from both sides.

It would seem odder to us to never mention that anyone else was beautiful. We've always been like this it's not a threat or disrespectful to each other or our relationship. Or the people we are admiring, they clearly don't know.

Hawkins0009 · 09/09/2023 15:22

ExtraOnions · 09/09/2023 15:12

Not all women are predators, waiting for the opportunity to steal men away. You need to check your misogyny.

true but there are some women according to psychology today that do prefer married or people in relationships as for them its the chase and the achievement of it

BeggyMitchell · 09/09/2023 15:25

There are also many happily single people. Single doesn't = after a man any man.

frozendaisy · 09/09/2023 15:25

I was trying to point out that people can find other people attractive, and that's ok, doesn't mean they are wanting to bump uglies as soon as your back is turned.

And it's not disrespectful either H's work ethics regarding his colleagues male or female is "if you wouldn't do it to a male don't do it to a female" be that how you interact, talk, listen or work with them.

Aprilx · 09/09/2023 16:03

frozendaisy · 09/09/2023 15:21

It might read odd to you but it really isn't for us, it's not like it's all the time or he's like a panting dog on heat! I mention beautiful men if I have come across one. If it comes it and it's part of the conversation.

When out we both say people are beautiful if they are and are around. It is possible to admire beauty for just what it is. Male & female from both sides.

It would seem odder to us to never mention that anyone else was beautiful. We've always been like this it's not a threat or disrespectful to each other or our relationship. Or the people we are admiring, they clearly don't know.

Show quote history

Well ok it's not odd for your, but I think this would be pretty odd for most people. I cannot imagine either of us coming home and saying a colleague was beautiful.

Quirrelsotherface · 09/09/2023 16:18

I cannot imagine either of us coming home and saying a colleague was beautiful

I think there's probably a lot of insecurity in your relationship then. Poor dude is probably repressed.

My DH says this about women at work and I don't bad an eyelid because I'm comfortable in my own skin and know he's not going anywhere (on occasion I wish he would!). I'm glad he can be open with me. All men look at other women and if you think they don't you're deluding yourself.

anonymousxoxo · 09/09/2023 16:33

This says more about your insecurity, than the girl. All my colleagues in my direct team are men, am I not meant to talk to them because of their partner? You need to trust your partner. If he wants to cheat, he will - you can't control that unfortunately.

Ollifer · 09/09/2023 18:48

Quirrelsotherface · 09/09/2023 16:18

I cannot imagine either of us coming home and saying a colleague was beautiful

I think there's probably a lot of insecurity in your relationship then. Poor dude is probably repressed.

My DH says this about women at work and I don't bad an eyelid because I'm comfortable in my own skin and know he's not going anywhere (on occasion I wish he would!). I'm glad he can be open with me. All men look at other women and if you think they don't you're deluding yourself.

I'm not the poster you were responding to but just on your point - I am comfortable in my own skin however wouldn't feel the need to come home from work and talk about how fit some guy at work is - just seems a little bit disrespectful! That's all, I find other people attractive and so would any of my partner's of course, it's only natural and I'm no oil painting 😁 but it's just an odd thing to just inform you partner in my opinion, just the same as I wouldn't mention to a relative that someone at work was attractive I guess, I'd just think it in my head!

DojaPhat · 09/09/2023 18:59

@Ollifer I agree with you, it seems rather odd and misplaced for your husband to come home in the evening and declare that Jen from accounts is beautiful when telling you about an otherwise tedious meeting he had with the accounts department. It's not a sign of being comfortable or secure in the relationship, it's basic respect between a couple.

That aside, OP I think unless you have reason to think anything untoward may be happening then it's best to deal with the demons straight on and snap out of it because your change in mood and communication with him as a result of your imagined scenario may very well be the thing that pushes him away, not into her arms mind you, but it will then seem to you that your suspicions will have been confirmed when the issue is/was you all along. Insecurities are a part of life, but you need to recalibrate your mind every single time it starts steering off course. Don't give the thoughts time to take root in your mind.

Crikeyalmighty · 09/09/2023 19:05

@Ollifer I must admit I would find that a bit off too. I get that they might think it-we are all human- but saying it seems odd

GreenSaturn · 09/09/2023 19:13

Well on that very note, I've just found out that Amber Heard has managed to destroy ANOTHER relationship via a work related situation(making a film with the leading man). Jason (Aqua Man) and Johnny Depp both ended up in broken relationships because of AH narcissistic personality. Seems men follow their basic animal instincts. Sorry, just fact.

AllOfThemWitches · 09/09/2023 19:15

I think there's probably a lot of insecurity in your relationship then. Poor dude is probably repressed.

Alright cool girl 😆😆

fairyfluf · 09/09/2023 19:20

frozendaisy · 09/09/2023 14:33

If you didn't work together you would never know.

H sometimes says "X at work is beautiful" and it can just be a fact X can be beautiful but he's it going to fall into bed with X.

Have you tried, not making friends as such, but just saying hello to blondie yourself? What do you know about her? She might find men at work being over attentive utterly soul destroying but hides it well. She might be totally in love with someone not at work. She might like women. She might just have no attraction to your BF.

You are more likely to sabotage your relationship taking out your imagined thoughts on your BF because that's just unsustainable for anyone.

Unless he works with models that's a really weird thing to say about a colleague. How about "my colleague's really good at excel so sorted out the tricky problem for me"

fairyfluf · 09/09/2023 19:23

Quirrelsotherface · 09/09/2023 16:18

I cannot imagine either of us coming home and saying a colleague was beautiful

I think there's probably a lot of insecurity in your relationship then. Poor dude is probably repressed.

My DH says this about women at work and I don't bad an eyelid because I'm comfortable in my own skin and know he's not going anywhere (on occasion I wish he would!). I'm glad he can be open with me. All men look at other women and if you think they don't you're deluding yourself.

Its just not something I'd ever imagine saying about a colleague as I'm not shallow.

Original poster
Newuserbekind · 14/09/2023 17:12

@DojaPhat @frozendaisy @Catsafterme

It just consumes me, like she's attractive and if makes me feel insecure and why would he want me if she's single. I know it's my own thoughts and own insecurities creating scenarios.

OP posts:
perfectcolourfound · 14/09/2023 17:27

A couple of posters asked if blonde is his 'type' which also sprang to my mind. It makes me think he's told you at some point that he prefers blondes, and you aren't blonde.

Is that the case? And if so, context is key (the difference between 'I always prefer blondes' and 'until now I've always been more attracted to blonde women but you're a redhead and I fancy you more than any of the them').

Does he put you down? Does he tell you how beautiful YOU are?

Alternatively, it could be that you're being really unreasonable and he's lovely to you, very complentary and this is all in your head.

VeridicalVagabond · 14/09/2023 17:31

There's a woman my husband works quite closely with who honestly is the most beautiful human I've ever seen. Like probably actually a Tolkein-esque elf or something.

It has crossed my mind, occasionally, that he must fancy her. Christ I fancy her. But ultimately he has chosen to be with me, as your partner has chosen to be with you. And if he's done nothing to arouse any suspicion beyond working with someone attractive, I doubt you've anything to worry about.

Mamma1982 · 14/09/2023 17:34

I agree with Quirrelsotherface. My husband and I do the same, we comment on attractive work colleagues / friends etc and it's completely normal in our relationship and always has been.

Every relationship is different though. Different strokes for different folks. That's just how the world goes round. Doesn't make mine any better or worse than anyone else's relationship.

As for OP I think therapy may help, only if you let it eat away at you and sabotage an otherwise happy relationship.

Janieforever · 14/09/2023 17:36

Goodness a lot to unpick here.

op, that’s some extensive level of fantasy you’ve got going on there. Is there a back story on intrusive thoughts? I mean it’s gone so far you’re even being short with him and worried about working there. It’s huge insecurity in your relationship and jealousy over her.

for the poster who said her husband comes home and tells her his colleagues are beautiful. That’s not healthy or normal. Sure if they happen to be in the same room as you both and first time they’ve seen them, then maybe, but coming home and randomly saying Mary is really beautiful is really odd.