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Relationships

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Original poster

Jealousy over a co worker

45 replies

Newuserbekind · 09/09/2023 13:05

Does anyone else get jealous over co-workers?

Myself and my partner work at the same place, a new woman started last year and she's really attractive and they speak quite a bit (nature of the job) although he speaks to others too-because she's blonde and attractive and single it makes me paranoid. I have been with my partner for 5 years.

In my head I don't see why he wouldn't want to be with her and in my head I've created this scenario they're close and eventually he will leave me for her and how could I work somewhere where they would be together if we did break up and how would I manage it.

It's a terribly destructive way of thinking and I find myself becoming quiet and short with him because of this scenario I've created in my head. It's not healthy for me, how do I manage it?

I've been cheated on at least 3 times in my life and wonder if it stems from that?

OP posts:

Doingmybest12 · 14/09/2023 17:39

It should be OK and a non issue but maybe there is something about the way they are that puts you on edge? I wouldn't dismiss your feeling out of hand but try and think is there anything about the interaction that makes you feel what you do? Relationships are complicated. I'm.sure it's fine but I wouldn't beat yourself up about this as it might be rational to some degree ,it's the extra anxiety you need to work on as this is disproportionate.

Catsafterme · 14/09/2023 17:47

@Newuserbekind It all depends on what he is like as a person, he may well find you more attractive.

For me, I can notice others are attractive and appreciate that but I am not wired to act on it in any way, I'll avoid it. The woman I am with is above everyone else and nothing sways me from that, loyalty is important to me.

5128gap · 14/09/2023 17:48

Well theres never any guarantees in life are there? Anybody can meet someone they prefer to their partner at any time and leave for that person, so it would be impossible to offer you cast iron assurances.
However, for that to happen, firstly he would actually need to prefer her to you. And the sort of man who's worth being with isn't going to be swayed just by a pretty face and blonde hair. Secondly she'd need to be interested in him, of all the single guys she could no doubt attract. Thirdly, he'd need to be less than committed to you and happy to lose you. And if that's the case it's better to find out sooner rather than later so you can be free to find someone who properly values you.
Certainly worrying about it isn't going to change anything so you should try and put it out of your mind. If his attention starts to wander to her in an inappropriate way, you'll see the signs and can cross that bridge if you come to it.

BeggyMitchell · 14/09/2023 17:51

Newuserbekind · 14/09/2023 17:12

@DojaPhat @frozendaisy @Catsafterme

It just consumes me, like she's attractive and if makes me feel insecure and why would he want me if she's single. I know it's my own thoughts and own insecurities creating scenarios.

Can I ask why you think she'd want him Op? Have you had any indication?

She could be happily single, gay, asexual or (are you ready for this one) ...not attracted to your partner in the slightest 🤷🏻‍♀️.

Original poster

Newuserbekind · 14/09/2023 17:57

So I was blonde when we got together but more of a brunette now.

We are going through a real rocky time, his father has passed two weeks ago after battling cancer for 5 months and it's impacted our relationship as he's obviously been consumed by that and it's had a real trauma impact. So in my mind, because we aren't really physical or anything due to that he could just be being with her.

She follows him on IG but he doesn't follow her back, in my head it's potentially so I don't find it suspicious or he generally doesn't care. She only follows him from work on IG though.

Reading it back I've got a few issues I know. It stems from my first boyfriend constantly cheating and going behind my back for 2 years and men after that just make me worry I'm not good enough.

OP posts:

Original poster

Newuserbekind · 14/09/2023 17:58

@BeggyMitchell maybe 🤣 but as he's the only person from work she follows on IG it makes me wonder.

OP posts:

Original poster

Newuserbekind · 14/09/2023 18:01

Janieforever · 14/09/2023 17:36

Goodness a lot to unpick here.

op, that’s some extensive level of fantasy you’ve got going on there. Is there a back story on intrusive thoughts? I mean it’s gone so far you’re even being short with him and worried about working there. It’s huge insecurity in your relationship and jealousy over her.

for the poster who said her husband comes home and tells her his colleagues are beautiful. That’s not healthy or normal. Sure if they happen to be in the same room as you both and first time they’ve seen them, then maybe, but coming home and randomly saying Mary is really beautiful is really odd.

I've placed a bit above.

Honestly I've had it all with men, dirty messaging other women when I'm next to them, other women messaging me saying my partners slept with them/kissed them, a partner sat beside me with a ping from a tinder message, a guy date another woman but date me and pull me along, a guy not go on holiday with our group of friends because he was being with another woman but blamed work/friendship group problems. All from around 17/18 and I'm in my thirties now.

OP posts:

Original poster

Newuserbekind · 14/09/2023 18:02

perfectcolourfound · 14/09/2023 17:27

A couple of posters asked if blonde is his 'type' which also sprang to my mind. It makes me think he's told you at some point that he prefers blondes, and you aren't blonde.

Is that the case? And if so, context is key (the difference between 'I always prefer blondes' and 'until now I've always been more attracted to blonde women but you're a redhead and I fancy you more than any of the them').

Does he put you down? Does he tell you how beautiful YOU are?

Alternatively, it could be that you're being really unreasonable and he's lovely to you, very complentary and this is all in your head.

At the minute it's very difficult as I've posted above he lost his father two weeks ago after a 5 month battle so he's not been the same person he was with me, if he was the same as before then I'd have no issue at all but because his fathers death is so recent and kind of brought on some trauma our relationship is quite different.

OP posts:

Original poster

Newuserbekind · 14/09/2023 18:03

VeridicalVagabond · 14/09/2023 17:31

There's a woman my husband works quite closely with who honestly is the most beautiful human I've ever seen. Like probably actually a Tolkein-esque elf or something.

It has crossed my mind, occasionally, that he must fancy her. Christ I fancy her. But ultimately he has chosen to be with me, as your partner has chosen to be with you. And if he's done nothing to arouse any suspicion beyond working with someone attractive, I doubt you've anything to worry about.

I guess, she started in early January time and I guess if anything were to happen it would have by now.

OP posts:

fiddlesticksandotherwords · 14/09/2023 18:08

Newuserbekind · 09/09/2023 13:05

Does anyone else get jealous over co-workers?

It's a terribly destructive way of thinking and I find myself becoming quiet and short with him because of this scenario I've created in my head. It's not healthy for me, how do I manage it?

I've been cheated on at least 3 times in my life and wonder if it stems from that?

Being quiet or getting irritable or short with him because of this imagined scenario is not doing you any favours, and could end up pushing him away and bringing about the very thing you want to prevent.

He's grieving the loss of his father. Be nice to him and stop punishing him for something that you imagine he might do.

Gnomegnomegnome · 14/09/2023 18:10

My Dh works with a lot of really beautiful glamorous women. They are also really lovely, intelligent and strong.
I think that they would cause Dh to shrivel up and die if they showed any interest.

BeggyMitchell · 14/09/2023 18:14

Newuserbekind · 14/09/2023 17:58

@BeggyMitchell maybe 🤣 but as he's the only person from work she follows on IG it makes me wonder.

Fair enough OP.

And I'm sorry you've been going through such a rubbish time.

LusaBatoosa · 14/09/2023 18:16

His dad died two weeks ago after a period of traumatic illness and you’re being short with him because of some wholly imaginary scenario?

Come on, OP. You must know that’s awful.

Why do you think he’s with you? What’s the foundation of your relationship? As there will always be women who are younger, blonder and prettier than you. But unless he picked you solely for being young, pretty and blonde, so what?

Original poster

Newuserbekind · 14/09/2023 18:20

LusaBatoosa · 14/09/2023 18:16

His dad died two weeks ago after a period of traumatic illness and you’re being short with him because of some wholly imaginary scenario?

Come on, OP. You must know that’s awful.

Oh I'm not being short with him. There's moments I worry prior to this I have and I've been short but not since. I've done everything to provide support him.

My worry stems from us being different, we aren't affectionate or intimate nor is he playful as he was which I get but the I guess the vulnerable part of me comes out to protect me and I worry I'll lose someone I love more than anything.

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BellaPoppins · 14/09/2023 18:27

I worked with my ex husband and he had an affair with and subsequently left me for another woman who also worked with us.
Luckily i was on a project and working in a different office so only had to see them a couple of times a week, it was excruciating tbh and being the bigger person was a hard job 😂

They both ended up leaving eventually which was a relief, the worst bit was knowing that everyone else knew my business as they flaunted it.

I'm not at all saying this will happen to you, my take on it is that worrying about these things is pointless as it wouldn't stop it happening anyway. Trust your husband unless he gives you a reason not to 😊

HerMammy · 14/09/2023 18:43

My worry stems from us being different, we aren't affectionate or intimate nor is he playful as he was
He has just lost his father fgs
Honestly you sound incredibly self
absorbed and not at all understanding that he is grieving and likely in shock.

YoBeaches · 14/09/2023 19:16

You should probably seek out some CBT support to help deal with your perceptions as they are destructive for you. Speak to your GP and get a referral. Might take some time but that's what will help you.

wavws · 14/09/2023 19:38

@BellaPoppins wow that must have been hard, the whole office knowing about your breakup and the aftermath! Did anyone treat you differently at work? Shocking

@Newuserbekind I think you need to invest some TLC in your relationship cause you might lose him if you carry on this way. He needs support from you.

BellaPoppins · 14/09/2023 19:47

wavws · 14/09/2023 19:38

@BellaPoppins wow that must have been hard, the whole office knowing about your breakup and the aftermath! Did anyone treat you differently at work? Shocking

@Newuserbekind I think you need to invest some TLC in your relationship cause you might lose him if you carry on this way. He needs support from you.

Once I found out what was going on it made sense of the smirks and funny looks I was getting from his friends....

I was friends with the other woman (or thought I was anyway) and I had noticed she seemed to be avoiding me which again made sense eventually 😂

Original poster

Newuserbekind · 14/09/2023 20:12

@wavws oh I honestly have, I sort all of the house chores, I've been the one making sure there is food in the house, tidying, washing, helping family bits etc. I've not pushed or pressured and supported with children etc. I'm honestly not how it may appear on here I do things to help x

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