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Original poster

Splitting up. What now?

37 replies

Optomystic · 08/09/2023 22:49

I am after some advice please. My H has just confirmed that he wants to split up asap after 20 years of marriage. I am fine about it too as we are not that well suited. On a practical front what do I do now? We have a nice family home and youngest DC is 15, so not perfect timing. We earn about the same. He’s in a rush to move on as I think he may have options for other relationships. I really want to stay in the house but obvs he would like to sell so he can get on with his life. I do too but I’m not in a hurry as am not looking for a new relationship and I don’t want to uproot kids etc. what do I do? Should I just refuse to leave? My mum once said to not leave the house under any circumstances if you split up. Not sure why though as head is a bit fuzzy.

OP posts:
canyoufeedthedog · 08/09/2023 22:55

Don't leave the house. If you are married you get it split equally. If he wants to go, he goes.
If you have a child still at school, education, they stay in the family home.

canyoufeedthedog · 08/09/2023 22:56

Get a brilliant, female ordinated , solicitor.

INeedAnotherName · 08/09/2023 22:56

You find out all assets and debt from both sides (make copies of anything you can find if case he "forgets" about a savings account).

Pay for a one off with a solicitor to find out your options. Don't rely on his.

Decide on percentage of assets/custody.

Apply online to start the divorce (you can do this now if you want) but do not finish it until the financial side has been agreed by a judge. Fill in the financial consent form during this time as you have to wait 20 weeks from applying for divorce to starting the divorce, it's a government mandated cooling off period so can't be reduced.

Original poster
Optomystic · 08/09/2023 23:01

I am in charge of our finances and know he does not have any secret savings. I have access to all the accounts. We earn the same and we have equal savings and joint mortgage so not too complicated. So what do I do? Just sit pretty and let him leave? I am scared. I only just found out it was this imminent thirty mins ago. No one knows. I just want stability for my poor son who is in GCSEs year and struggling.

OP posts:
WhamBamThankU · 08/09/2023 23:05

Stay put

Original poster
Optomystic · 08/09/2023 23:10

But who pays the mortgage if he quits? I can afford it on my own just but then he still owns half. Am so confused.

OP posts:
PrimrosesandPears · 08/09/2023 23:10

If youngest is 15 you could ask if your H would let you stay in the house until he is 18 maybe - it’s not too long a time really in grand scheme of things. Keeping it amicable is good if you think you can agree a way forward (and if you are sure you know everything about the finances), but agree you should take your own legal advice and ensure your needs and your children’s are considered in splitting assets.

sezzer87 · 08/09/2023 23:12

It sounds like it's mainly his decision so I would sit tight and tell him if he wants to move on he is free to do so but you'll be remaining where you are for the children.

Original poster
Optomystic · 08/09/2023 23:12

Yes I did say that to him about staying in house but then does he still not have to pay some maintenance, half the mortgage and rent for himself if that’s the case?

OP posts:
eractually · 08/09/2023 23:32

If you want to stay in the house, simple answer re finances is that you buy STBXH out (I.e. give him half the accrued equity) either from yr savings or by remortgaging with you as sole owner over a longer term. A solicitor will advise.

Things may not be so simple though of course.

If you are new to all this, I recommend finding some good guidance resources. I used a divorce coach, she was worth every penny, and much cheaper than a lawyer (she was an ex-lawyer!)

Shinyandnew1 · 08/09/2023 23:38

It may be that you need to sell the house so that both of you have funds released to find housing. Whether it’s his decision to leave or not, he would need money to house himself and for his DC to visit. If your joint child spends equal time at both houses, there’s no need for maintenance to be paid

Original poster
Optomystic · 08/09/2023 23:44

DC would def not spend half time with him and I have older one coming back from uni for three years too. So will still have kids about for a few years now and I will support them. The equity in our house is too much for me to buy him out. This is looking much more complicated than I thought. What do I look for in a good solicitor and how much should I expect to spend?

OP posts:
Shinyandnew1 · 09/09/2023 00:01

I don’t think the older kids will ‘count’ for anything financial/maintenance as they are over 18.

If you can’t afford to buy him out, then it’s v likely the house will need to be sold to allow you both to find somewhere separate to live. He won’t be expected to pay half the mortgage and maintenance if you are both on similar wages if he has to house himself somewhere as well.

Original poster
Optomystic · 09/09/2023 00:16

Ah okay. Well maybe that makes it simpler. I dint mind selling eventually but I’ll obviously need a bigger place for the kids so don’t know how that is fair.

OP posts:
Catoo · 09/09/2023 00:23

I remortgaged to buy my ex out of the house.
Could that work for you? X

Opentooffers · 09/09/2023 00:39

Sell the house, stay put while the sale goes through. If he's a decent man, he should still be willing to pay half the mortgage meantime. If he doesn't, then deduct what he owes from the equity once sold- you can discuss that in mediation.

Shinyandnew1 · 09/09/2023 00:40

Optomystic · 09/09/2023 00:16

Ah okay. Well maybe that makes it simpler. I dint mind selling eventually but I’ll obviously need a bigger place for the kids so don’t know how that is fair.

I can’t imagine a court would decide that finances should be split in an odd way so that you get a 4-bed house and he gets a bed sit or something like that. It’ll probably be split equally. As long as your under-18 joint child has somewhere to sleep in each house.

Original poster
Optomystic · 09/09/2023 00:44

ill need to add about £300k on top of our existing debt of £158k. Way too much. I know it sounds like I’m loaded and I should be able to buy a big house with my equity share but half a mill where I live gets you a semi detached in an estate. we live in a high house price area.

OP posts:
INeedAnotherName · 09/09/2023 00:45

You either sell the house or one of you buys the other out. The court will expect to see you both housed to a similar standard if your wages are similar. Only under 18s are considered so your university children will not count when the judge looks at housing needs.

Do you have similar pensions?

Shinyandnew1 · 09/09/2023 00:48

Optomystic · 09/09/2023 00:44

ill need to add about £300k on top of our existing debt of £158k. Way too much. I know it sounds like I’m loaded and I should be able to buy a big house with my equity share but half a mill where I live gets you a semi detached in an estate. we live in a high house price area.

Yep, sadly two decent incomes together is one thing but one of them on its own doesn’t go very far. I guess you can extend the mortgage amount/add more years or more further away from where you currently live to a cheaper area. Either way, it’s likely that the house will be sold and you will both need to buy smaller properties.

Original poster
Optomystic · 09/09/2023 00:49

He has a bigger pension as he’s been paying in for longer and some shares too. But I earn slightly more than him (by only a few grand). I iterate, we would not split child care. DS would see H but not stay over. H does not seem interested in having him. And uni DD def wouldn’t want to. He can see them whenever he wants but not to sleep over.

OP posts:
LemonTT · 09/09/2023 01:00

You need to read on the divorce process and what it really entails. If you can’t buy him out then it will be sold. This will take time but you need to discuss what happens in the interim. Your options are

  1. You both live there until the finances are agreed and the house is sold. Remember he will be told not to move out either and maybe he can’t afford to without his equity. This can be a trying experience especially for children. But it’s the only option for many people.
  2. You agree that one of you moves out and the other covers the mortgage costs in order for the one moving out to afford rent.
  3. You do 2 but persuade the person moving out to contribute if they can. This can be enforced legally but not if he can’t afford it.

Your financial settlement will probably reflect the need to house you and your youngest. Adult children won’t factor in.

From what you have posted your needs are very similar so you will edge towards a 50:50 split. You might get a bit more if the youngest lives with you FT. But once he hits 18 needs will be equal.

In your shoes I would sit down and negotiate a way to stay until the youngest finishes O levels or maybe A levels. But unless he has a big salary you will need to pay the mortgage if you want him to move out of what is his property too.

Deathbyfluffy · 09/09/2023 01:05

Optomystic · 09/09/2023 00:16

Ah okay. Well maybe that makes it simpler. I dint mind selling eventually but I’ll obviously need a bigger place for the kids so don’t know how that is fair.

It’s fair because you both own half the house - that’s what it comes down to

INeedAnotherName · 09/09/2023 01:19

Take uni dd out of the equation. For divorce purposes she does not exist (yep, I didn't realise that either). It only covers you, husband and any under 18s.

Both you and DH have the right to live in the matrimonial home until it is sold or bought out. Does DH agree to 50/50 of house equity, keep own pensions, split any other savings/investments and debt 50/50? You might be able to get him to split it 60/40 but would that allow him to be reasonably housed in your area, ie at least a 2 bed?

I highly recommend a one off chat with a solicitor, you can do most of it yourself if you are amicable but you need to know what is possible in your individual position. You can go to mediation which is far cheaper than two solicitors but you've got to be reasonably equal in your thoughts.

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