Splitting up. What now?

[Optomystic]

I am after some advice please. My H has just confirmed that he wants to split up asap after 20 years of marriage. I am fine about it too as we are not that well suited. On a practical front what do I do now? We have a nice family home and youngest DC is 15, so not perfect timing. We earn about the same. He’s in a rush to move on as I think he may have options for other relationships. I really want to stay in the house but obvs he would like to sell so he can get on with his life. I do too but I’m not in a hurry as am not looking for a new relationship and I don’t want to uproot kids etc. what do I do? Should I just refuse to leave? My mum once said to not leave the house under any circumstances if you split up. Not sure why though as head is a bit fuzzy.

I can easily afford the mortgage payments on my own. Then he can move out and pay his own rent. When our fixed term is up in 2.5 years I will agree to sell. That’s what I’m thinking.

We'll he'd definitely pay child maintenance for DS then and you could agree (if he's willing) he gets less equity and gets to keep his larger pension. It may or may not be a 50/50 asset split but if it is that would take into account pensions and savings as well as equity and any debt.

That sounds reasonable. To be honest if he's keener to split it will have to be him who drives this forward not you.

If he disagrees and wants to sell immediately how would that work if you don't consent? He'd have to divorce you and get a court order to sell wouldn't he? Which in itself would probably take a year from now until the house was sold minimum. So even if you just shrugged your shoulders and said "ok, I'll leave it with you to sort out" you would probably see your son through his GCSE's.

You sound very capable, you said you manage all the finances and s soon as he announces he wants to leave you have gone into mental overdrive looking for solutions.

What if you just drop the rope here?

It's definitely not what I would normally advise but he doesn't sound very dynamic, is probably used to you organising things and this way might buy you the time you want in the family home.

Im thinking the same. My instinct is always to spring into action as I’m a bit of a control freak but in this case, well he can take the lead. Another question, when should we tell the kids? DD is off to uni next week and my son will miss her a lot. Idk how he’d feel if he learnt both his dad and his sister are leaving, plus DD could go and not even worry herself about it and learn about it gradually. But H seems to want to do a big announcement like now. I guess I might need to talk him out of it and convince him to ‘separate’ first and have a cooling off period for a couple of months before a 100% split.

Think carefully about trying to hold off telling the children. If he really wants the big announcement then maybe its better to do that as you can also be present to help mitigate any shock and to help reassure. Otherwise he might do it alone or even on a one to one basis without you.

convince him to ‘separate’ first and have a cooling off period for a couple of months before a 100% split.
How's that going to work in practice? You think they won't notice he's not living at home or you aren't cooking, shopping, cleaning for him? Because when you separate it's different food cupboards and fridge shelf. They are gonna notice that!

Stay in the home

Get a really good solicitor

Make sure you have all important paperwork to hand

CBen to you

Apply for Universal Credit alongside earnings

But again OP you say you'll leave him to it but then you move on to try to control the next thing.

I get it, I absolutely do, but you're not going to be on the same team anymore so you are going to have to learn that you are not responsible for what he does.

It's very hard and over the years my ex's actions have hurt my child but I have had to be firm with myself that I am stepping up and doing the best I can and that's all I can do. What he does is on him.

Be firm with yourself.

Yes I see your point and noted. I spoke to him just a moment ago and he wants to sell the house and go. But he’s not looked into anything. He won’t be able to afford anything. I can’t imagine what his flat will look like left to his own devices, but I digress. I have encouraged him to maintain status quo until DS exams over and have told him I’m not moving out until out fixed term is up in three years. I said so long as he’s discreet he can see other people and put word around in certain circles that we’re in the process of separating. I realise that is controlling the conversation but I felt I needed to quickly get my priority terms over before any further action was taken that can’t be undone. He can now either go along with that or not, but on his head be it. I guess it’s my prerogative to lay down the terms and his to accept them or not. We have gone through the motions of happy married life for 20 years and another one year won’t hurt to avoid creating a domestic crisis. But I do realise that he doesn’t see it that way and that’s for him to deal with. I am really not looking forward to the coming months and years. So much pain in store.

Does he have a pension ? Could you offer him less equity in return for not making a claim on his pension?
How much would you be short to buy him out ?
I'd do everything possible to buy him out.
Someone will have a better idea.

Sorry , you e answered already

It is painful and very much like the Bear Hunt story - you can't go round it, you just have to go through it.

But there is an end and you will need to focus on that.

He should pay half the mortgage if he moves out but no-one will force him if he doesn’t and it won’t affect him getting 50% of the house. I’d say you want to stay put until after your son’s GCSE’s or buy him out. He does need to move on so you can’t put off the sale long term