Is it a bad idea to ask him what I did wrong

[Amongstchaos1]

Around a year ago me and my husband separated (married 10+ years 3 kids) …
it was a very unhealthy and toxic relationship … I have been told it was abusive and have been working through this in therapy but I’m really struggling to accept it as that when I can see what I was like, how maybe things were my fault etc because of who I was.

I am really wanting to work on me, find who I am, be more confident, build my self esteem but I just can’t seem to move on … me talking In therapy is just my side, I keep thinking that maybe if I ask my Ex husband what I did wrong, how I could have done better etc that would help.

He often use to say I was difficult, too emotional, hard work etc and I know he’s right … I’d get stressed or tired and shout or cry etc. He always said I was never happy.
hes right because even now I can’t seem to just be happy.
Maybe I was abusive in all my actions. how does anyone actually know?

I could have written this post.

Do not ask him.

There’s always two sides to a story and the truth is usually somewhere in the middle.

I suppose my question would be what if you ask him and you don’t agree with his answer? What then? Also, what if you ask him and what he says to you is bullshit and then it’s stuck with you? Answered questions often lead to more questions.

In abusive relationships there tends to be someone who begins it and that’s the abuser. Have a look at reactive abuse - basically when someone is pushed and pushed way past their limit where they lose all control and then get labelled the abuser, despite trying so hard to not let things escalate

It sounds like you feel that you were at fault.
Maybe talk to a counsellor to unpick this.

I don't think that approaching your partner is the best way forward as you'll only hear his side.

Yes its a bad idea, you've been told that the relationship was abusive so don't give him any more power over you than he already has. You don't need his approval, and you can't trust him not to use the situation for his own benefit.

What makes you think that your ex husband is the ultimate arbiter on you? Whatever he tells you is literally only his opinion... it would not mean he's right.

I once did something similar with an ex of three years...my God, it ranks as one of the worst questions I've ever asked anyone, in my whole 55 years on this planet. 16 years later I can still remember every utterly eviscerating thing he said....it was a complete character assassination. It took me a good year to recover from it and realise he was only doing it so he wouldn't look the 'bad guy'.

Look to others, who are unbiased, for support. Your ex husband should be literally the last person you ask.

Do not ask him, he will literally give you a list a mile long of every tiny thing that he saw as a fault-don't give him that power.

My ex is emotionally abusive amongst other things. He would happily use something like this as an opportunity to destroy me, again. You can't trust your Ex not to use this to hurt you and you won't get the truth anyway, just his interpretation of it. It sounds like you might still be stuck in the fog (fear, obligation, guilt) abuse causes. He won't give you closure on this. He won't give you answers, he'll just add to the hurt he's already caused.

You say you want to find out who you are - in that case, don't ask a toxic ex who you are. You define you. Self empowerment!

Maybe I’m being overly simplistic but I feel like I can tell you’ve been in an abusive relationship purely because you want to ask how you could have done better. People who post for advice on their abusive relationships often say things like “how can I do better?”, “I try to do my best for him” etc etc. There’s something about that wording - that way of expressing things that rings alarm bells for me. It’s almost like you’re perpetually on probation for a job and you’re working for a really difficult boss.

We’re all imperfect. We’re all a mixture of positives and negatives. We all have things we do well and things we do less well. We all make mistakes. But in a healthy relationship, you feel secure and valued for who you are overall.

This man won’t help you. He will harm you. This is his voice in your head telling you you’re not good enough. You need to find your own voice. Build yourself up. You need to work on yourself without him.

What does your therapist say?

What’s the point in asking him when he’s already told you? You say in the OP what his laundry list is.

He has said ‘you’re difficult and will never be happy’ and you said that is probably true. (I have no clue whether it is or isn’t)
I would say that is plenty to address first in therapy- either whether the substance is true and then doing something if it is.

It's not you. It's him. Hes flawed because he can not see the good in you and was unwilling to make it work. And differences in your personalities can cause conflicts anyway. Don't beat yourself up.

You say you want to find out who you are - in that case, don't ask a toxic ex who you are. You define you.

This

You are still seeking external validation from someone who you know deep down wasn’t a nice person. Closure is an internal conversation that leads to you deciding to leave the past in the past.

Instead of asking your ex, maybe look into abusive/toxic behaviours and see if you can recognise your husband’s behaviour. You being “too emotional”, “unreasonable”, “difficult” etc all sound like a great way for him to control you. What had happened just before you became emotional/difficult/hard work? Had there been an argument? Telling someone they’re too emotional to talk to is a great way to shut down the conversation which in turn means he might not have to deal with his own behaviour.

Under NO circumstances ask him what you did wrong!

Literally everyone on here assumed your ex was an abuser /unreasonable while knowing nothing about him and despite you admitting to being difficult.
Shouting, being always in a mood is very hard to navigate for another person. It doesn't mean you were an abuser. I think this word is overused. We all behave shitty sometimes for variety of reasons. Abusers are more about power and they display a pattern of behaviour.
Nobody can tell you anything about your ex either because nobody knows him or the dynamics between you. People can only project their own beliefs and experiences on you.
I wouldn't contact him by the way. I don't think it's a good idea firstly because he probably already communicated to you his perspective when you were separating and also because you already seem low and feeling bad about yourself.

You don't need to hear more of what's wrong with you. You might be better off focusing on your therapy, your wellbeing, finding healthier ways of dealing with negative emotions and moods etc. You deserve to be happy!

It seems he’s already told you. Why do you need to ask again? That feels attention seeking.And it’s not “done something wrong” it’s simply who you are and how you behave, and this turned out to be behaviour he didn’t wish to live with. A basic incompatibility

he is not responsible for your happiness or to fix you now. Examine what he’s told you already and work on that. He doesn’t need to tell you the same stuff again.

You need to focus on you. Unless you can have an internal conversation and reach an agreement with yourself that you are worthy then no one not even your ex can validate that.

I say that as someone who's Dh announced he was leaving this week after 17 years and 3 days later had an offer accepted on a house to move into. He left me for another woman nearly 17 years his junior at the biological prime of her life. I am not where you are few years on but I KNOW what we had was good and I know, I'm a beautiful, kind and lovely person with 2 children blessed.

Try to see the good in yourself.

Thank you everyone for replies

I don’t really know why or what I want to ask him … my head is a bit of a mess.
I don’t even know if I’d get a straight honest answer. One minute he tells me I’m this and that and the next he didn’t mean it he was just this or that. The being difficult, hard to put up with, a lesser man wouldn’t put up wi eh my shit l etc where things he use to tell me when we’d argue etc. It sounds harsh but I am a very emotional person so he wasn’t wrong.
My therapist hasn’t really said anything in terms of me asking him as I haven’t mentioned it to her.
I guess my worry with everything is that I’m telling my side - how I think I feel or what I think happened or my view on things but what if I’m wrong. I struggle with people telling me it was abuse because I also know he’s right - I am difficult and emotional so maybe it was me that caused things … how am I meant to know.

it would be nice if I could just get past what’s what and accept that it didn’t work and that’s that but I need to know because if it was me and I could have changed or done different how am I meant to know.

And just quickly to one of the last posters. Thank you for your reply and I will absolutely take everything you said on board but just to add , firstly I don’t mean to come across as attention seeking. Also he didn’t decide he didn’t want to live with it or me, I made the choice to separate after getting to a point I was so low I reached out for help and whilst trying to work through things I realised it wasn’t a healthy situation either way. since then we’ve been back and forth with one min him saying I’m awful, throwing him away, never loved him and am never happy, the next telling me he’s accepting it, then the next asking for another chance to then being nasty again to then wanting to discus dating and divorce . It’s been a bit of a mess and I don’t know if I’m doing right or wrong.

you already know his feedback - according to him you were too emotional and always unhappy. what else could he possibly tell you?

side note, my ex used to complain that im always sad and upset - which i was. due to years of emotional abuse from him. and yes, abuse can lead us to developing behaviours which can last long after the relationship ends - you can work on those for your sake, but that doesn't mean you need more feedback from an asshole ex.

Sometimes there's just a toxic dynamic between two people. There is not always a villain - can just be an unhealthy relationship. I don't see the point in asking his opinion. He'll obviously only see his side and may make you feel awful about yourself.

I won’t ask his opinion.
I get what everyone is saying in the whole what’s the point.
I think I’m stuck in a mindset- a friend once said to me it’s about perception. What I perceived as him going on n on, to him may have been his version of effort and showing love kind of thing.

I guess I am hung up on perception. He has said more recently that nothing he does is ever right, that I take things wrong.
so now I’m at … if that’s the case how do I know that in fact my actions are what caused things that people see as him being abusive so actually I am at fault.
how can I be assured that I won’t cause the same in anyone else if it’s me.

Honestly I read back in n things I write and even I see myself as pathetic and completely nuts.

thanks everyone. Going to leave it here I think
I won’t be asking.

You’re not pathetic, you’ve been belittled and head fucked so you no longer trust your own judgement. You are allowed to have emotions, you’re allowed to be hurt by things he has said. X

The thing is, it's not about 'fault' or 'wrong'. Other than laws, there are no authorities to tell us what is right or wrong. I decide for me. You decide for you. He will decide for him. We will all be different.

You are responsible for your own happiness. Integral to that is you feeling that you can be wholly you, without criticism. You being yourself. You being free. So, part of your responsibility is to find people who have similar enough ideas about what's wrong or right, that you can be around them without feeling restricted in being yourself. Lots of people will think differently from you about lots of things. Lots of people might think that the way you do this thing or that thing is 'wrong', but that's according to their decisions, not yours. You will probably think that the way that they do it is 'wrong' too, and that's fine.

If you think that something someone does is 'wrong', that's a statement on your morals, not a statement on their behaviour, because you are not the authority on the matter. Nobody is. Nobody is in charge. They are in charge of themselves. You are in charge of yourself.

Same goes with your ex. He thinks you were abusive; that's about his morals, not about your behaviour. I could tell you that you were abusive to me because you ate a yoghurt last week. Would that make you abusive, or would it tell you something about how I draw my moral lines?

Spending time listening to others' negative views of yourself is not going to make you happy. It's not your responsibility to make yourself 'right' according to other people. It is your responsibility to choose your people wisely, so that you can live freely and express yourself honestly, without it rubbing anybody up the wrong way.

Un-choose him. He didn't take responsibility for himself; he spent time with someone he found abusive and he didn't leave, which would have been the self-respectful thing to do. It is your turn now to take the higher ground, and distance yourself from someone who criticised you and made you feel like a bad person.

Live by your own morals, not his, not anybody else's. Why would someone else's decision trump yours, with regard to who you should be, and how you get to behave? Do you ever get the authority to tell someone else what they are?

Are you able to identify your own weaknesses and shortcomings and areas for improvement? You shouldn't need to ask someone else. You should be able to reflect and see where you can do things differently. Self reflection is an imporant skill in life.

He will have his own perceptions of you just like you have your own perceptions of him. Both are your perceptions - not necessarily fact. Both of you would have brought strengths and weaknesses to the marriage and contirbuted in your own ways to building or breaking down the marriage. Own your own pieces - he can still have whatever perception he has.