Is it a bad idea to ask him what I did wrong

[Amongstchaos1]

Around a year ago me and my husband separated (married 10+ years 3 kids) …
it was a very unhealthy and toxic relationship … I have been told it was abusive and have been working through this in therapy but I’m really struggling to accept it as that when I can see what I was like, how maybe things were my fault etc because of who I was.

I am really wanting to work on me, find who I am, be more confident, build my self esteem but I just can’t seem to move on … me talking In therapy is just my side, I keep thinking that maybe if I ask my Ex husband what I did wrong, how I could have done better etc that would help.

He often use to say I was difficult, too emotional, hard work etc and I know he’s right … I’d get stressed or tired and shout or cry etc. He always said I was never happy.
hes right because even now I can’t seem to just be happy.
Maybe I was abusive in all my actions. how does anyone actually know?

OP - your posts sound confused, and your description of your therapist don’t sound like they are helping you to figure anything out. It also seems you are stuck in some sort of unhealthy self reflection at the expense of life in front of you.
You don't even mention your 3 kids
or how any of this affected the kids
in the past or now.

Its clear you aren’t happy. And your H and you didn’t work together.

You did, however decide to have 3 kids. And for their sake - i think you need to stop wasting time on keeping score of who is to blame for what - and focus on moving forward as coparents.

I’d also say that people use excuses - ‘i am an emotional person’ - to explain away all kinds of horrible behaviours. All humans have emotions. Being an adult - a parent; a partner - means to learn to control those emotions such that we don't explode on people around us.

If you want to work on something that would make your future relationships - its that. Would make a huge difference.

But really - at this point - i do think you need to stop looking at the past and look at how to live in the present

Being an adult - a parent; a partner - means to learn to control those emotions such that we don't explode on people around us

No. It means learning to control our responses to those emotions. It's very different. The emotions are what they are. They are the nature of us. They are the weather within us. And we can't control them any more than we can control the weather. We have to accept them and respect them, and learn how to do best with them. Emotional raincoats, brollies, sunblock etc or the way to do it, not controlling the emotions themselves.

Not entirely. While a range of emotions are a normal human experience. You certainly can learn to control the emotions you expeirence. Cognitive Behavioural therapy is based on that as actions and thoughts can influence how we feel and so changing those can change the emotions we experience. For example if someone feels angry all the time, they can learnto think about siutations differently in order to understand them in a different way and reduce those feelings of anger. We can also learn to regulate the emotion internally, change how we express it etc but we can actually also change our emotions themselves if they are destructive and harmful.

@Watchkeys

Thank you for clarifying. I, of course, meant controlling ‘expression’ of our emotions. Which is what we learn as we grow up.

Its OK for a tired toddler to scream at his parents. It’a not OK for an adult to behave the same. Etc.
And people do often use their emotions as an excuse and justification for a lot of behaviours.

@saffronsoup

Yes, but CBT isn't the god we all bow to. It's a method that helps some and not others, not 'the right way'. It has its drawbacks and pitfalls, one of which is that it doesn't focus on respecting yourself the way you are.

Self respect is universally helpful and healthy. CBT is not.

That doesn't change the fact that one can learn to change their emotions. If you feel angry and aggressive all the time, you do not need to stay that way. If you feel sad and like dying all the time, you don't need to jsut accept that.

It would be quite depressing to have your view that you can't ever control of change your emotions.

Why would you want people to feel horrible, horrible and only experience negative emotions with no hope for change? Just accept that their life will be one of negative emotions of misery, anger, hurt, and pain?

Of course CBT is not the only answer but I was responding to your view that one can't contorl or change their emotions. Most therapies include hope and looking at how to move forward and feel better.

@saffronsoup

That doesn't change the fact that one can learn to change their emotions

Yes, we can all condition ourselves. Not everyone agrees with your view that it's the right thing to do though. I'm sure OP will choose whatever she feels is wisest from our differing opinions. Thank you for your comments.

@Watchkeys

Thing is - the view that states - ‘my emotions are what I am, not to be changed, and always mist be respected’ - works in a fantasy world where people are nice and gentle.
But in reality - this view often makes selfish, and difficult people. And its what can lead to abusive behaviours.

Because more often than not - people don't assign equal importance to respecting emotions of others.

You can not always prioritise expression of your emotions over the impact it has on other people.

We live in a society. If we want to interact and get along with other people - we have to ‘condition’ ourselves. Cant kill every person that makes us angry; cant take anything we want; cant just act on any impulse. Even you won’t advocate not ‘conditioning’ violent impulsive emotions - i am guessing?

The question is, of course - how far that conditioning goes.

thanks again for all replies

i kind of wanted to come on and just say to the poster who said I haven’t mentioned my three children or what it’s done to them…

I haven’t mentioned them for no other reason than I was just trying to talk through and work my stuff out

my children have been my first and foremost. I made the decisions I have when I did for them. They were my no 1 in my choices becUse I didn’t want them growing up like I did, I didn’t want them following the same patterns. I probably wasn’t emotionally or mentally ready- as in feeling strong enough but I did it because it had to be done at the time and they’ve actually come on in leaps and bounds since, it’s me that hasn’t

@MMmomDD

Conditioning responses to emotions isn't the same as conditioning emotions.

I don't think there's anything wrong with feeling anything at all, and as soon as we start to tell ourselves that there is something wrong with how we feel, then we start to disrespect our own nature.

However, whilst feeling angry with your partner and wanting to throw his fishing gear out the window and burst his football is fine, doing it is not, and that's where the response needs to be conditioned. Emotions need to be expressed in a way that respects ourselves and others. So, saying calmly to him 'When you did xyz, I felt so angry that I wanted to throw your fishing gear etc...', or saying at the time 'I feel angry' is the best way to do it. You get to be who you really are, and express yourself, and he gets to learn about you without you hiding anything.

I'm not suggesting we all 'do what we feel'. You have misunderstood me.

Op, only you can work out what you are like. We all have ways of thinking and interacting that we could improve upon.

since you say that you are very emotional, perhaps start there. Look up some techniques that help manage emotions, eg journaling. Figure out what works for you. Work through scenarios with your therapist.

but, let me be clear, you can’t cause someone to abuse you. They choose to do that. If you are not compatible with someone then they should choose to work it through, or leave and move on.

What makes you think that your ex husband is the ultimate arbiter on you? Whatever he tells you is literally only his opinion... it would not mean he's right.

Absolutely this.

Yours is the only 'side' that matters in terms of you honestly thinking about your feelings, the way in which you express them, how you handle relationships, conflicts etc.

Not only would asking your ex be an absolutely terrible idea, it is completely unlikely to be remotely helpful to your self-development.

@Watchkeys

You seem to be operating within a narrowly defined personality/emotions type when you say ‘not wrong with feeling anything at all’.
But of course plenty can be wrong with how and what we feel. Human mind has a wide range of emotional responses - and not all of those are ok to feel. This is why when those emotions are very far from ‘normal’ - we call them delusions and medicate, if required.

Of course its OK to get angry at your partner. But only IF he has actually done something wrong. And anger should be proportional to the ‘offence’.

If, say, a partner forgot to fetch milk - you could be annoyed. - most would consider that a proportional emotion. But if you become enraged and start shouting - most wont consider that a normal emotions that are OK to feel.

So - if you only assume healthy regular emotions, sure. Keep expressing them. Etc.
But we don’t ways fall into neat normal boxes. And sometimes - we do have things that are broken in us - so generate emotions and reactions that hurt us and others.
Fixing that, working on that isn’t somehow giving up our true selves.

@MMmomDD

I disagree with you. Lets leave it there. Hopefully something in what we've said will help OP.

I reckon most people would be emotional if they were being abused.
which it is unbelievably obvious you were

it would be harder to abuse you if you didn’t believe the things he said about you. So it’s not really surprising you think you were to blame.
you’ll each have your own perceptions, but you need to recognise the abuse i think before you can get much further with building your confidence and things. I don’t think you’re currently doing that.
good luck op

Completely agree with @Maplestars

@Amongstchaos1 - you should be discussing this with your therapist. Your therapist will be able to help you much more if you’re open with them.

The truth will be in the middle of both of you and no point re hashing it up