Grieving for lost friendships

[Nobodysbidness]

In the last couple of years, it seems to me that something has happened to friendships that had previously managed to float along reasonably well. I see other posts occasionally on this subject here so thought I'd ask for advice.

Personally, I've lost a couple of friends - one by a couple of friends through gradually ghosting brought about by distance and through differing attitudes to the seriousness of the pandemic and adhering to the controls put in place by that, and another work friendship that fell apart following a difficult period (we've both since moved on from the role but our wider circles still overlap, which is tricky for both of us).

Without psychoanalysing either of these scenarios, I wanted to ask if others had experienced similar changes in long-established friendships since the pandemic, and if so what tips anyone might have for adjusting to and dealing with the loss? And if there's a way to gracefully and civilly navigate scenarios where you and a former close friend inevitably end up together at wider gatherings?

I don't know OP but I'm experiencing this too. All I can do is keep telling myself that people's priorities and situations change and I can't take everyone with me.

Its hard op. Have def had a pattern of this in friends. I think join new things too. I realise all my texts are me arranging things. Not them. I just keep busy now. Its like people cant be assed arranging anything

Not pandemic related but I lost several friendships over the space of about 18months (when I had low mood mental health /nothing majorly serious though). it was tough so you absolutely have my sympathies op. It’s like a loss that you don’t expect and that also doesn’t seem serious enough to feel so bad about. I was shocked by how upset I got about it and how long I took me to move on from the friendship loss.

In retrospect the things that helped me were…
*Taking the people off all social media so I didn’t obsess over things they posted (if they were aimed at me, why the didn’t ghost others etc).
*forcing myself to accept that sometimes friendships just die out and that’s life.
*Putting additional effort in feeling connected to others. Putting effort in to new friendships, being more active in arranging meet ups etc.

I don’t see the friends I lost so I haven’t had to navigate that. I assume just being polite with minimal contact might be the way to go.

I feel very similar OP, I have lost quite a few friendships over the last couple of years but honestly think they would have ended even without the pandemic.

I saw on social media that a big group of girls I went to school with, and had always previously been included in, had met up for the afternoon in a pub that's 5 mins from my house. I was not included and I have no idea why. That hurt, a lot.

It's hard, as someone said above, it's a loss that I was unprepared for and has taken a bit of getting used to.
Feel a little lonely on occasion but still have a few good friends who I am treasuring for now.

I think the pandemic bought out sides to people that were already there under the surface.

I fell out with a few people and don’t miss them at all.
But conversely I’ve made several new friends far more on my wavelength and so the net result is really positive

What age are you? Just wondering if everyone has young kids. I noticed changes at that point.

All our kids older ontobetterthings so I cant blame kids ages. Its been hurtful. I dont tend plan things now since this.

Yes, it's very hard. I would go as far to say it's a living bereavement. I don't know what to suggest, but I do think the passage of time can be healing, as is being with others who do value you (in hindsight the people who I was friends with didn't) and talking about the losses with empathic people. Mine were a thirty year friendship that faded suddenly (ghosted) and a three year one that ended by her choice - she did the old slow fade out thing.

Past the 'young kids' stage!

'Living bereavement' is a good way of looking at it. Thank you.

This resonates with me OP. I have lost all confidence with friendships to be honest. I don’t have the energy to forge new ones as don’t fee confident they will become established

Yep, this is me too.

Tumty feel same. Disheartening. On a plus met a girl from.school years ago. We caught up said we do regular. Restores your faith in people a bit.

Yes me too, one didn’t bother much after the lockdowns, but did meet for socially distance walks during lockdown, so it was baffling. I was a bit slow recognising this and texted to make meet ups, which were ignored.
The other is on slow fade, we share a hobby and she is friendly when there’s only us, but cold shoulders me in the presence of others. She has a new girl group that go out together. However, will text me to borrow stuff.
Both are 30+ year friendships. I think I’m over the living bereavement stage and have made a couple of new friends now.
It is sad, sorry to all going through it.

I think new friendships take a really long time to establish and require a lot of regular contact with said person. Either hobby or work. Or neighbour perhaps. I don’t think a new friendship would form from a couple of coffees together. At least not for me it wouldn’t.

You’re right. I was fortunate that a couple of ladies from my hobby also play a sport that I do, so more in common. We now go to theatre and films together.
It is a slow build up and of course you become wary of getting too involved.

Spot on.

Yes, this happened to me too. It’s slightly more awkward as they’re engaged to my cousin. I was previously quite close to my cousin as well, and the dynamic has totally changed. It’s had an effect on my relationship with other family members too. I feel so sad that things have changed the way they have.

I am also feeling this way about a friend of nearly 10 years who keeps fobbing me off and confining me to an occasional coffee when seemingly nobody else is available whilst posting on social media about how blessed she is to have found her “people” ( a group of friends where I used to be in). I have realised that we have been drifting apart for quite some time and that she wants to mix with people of her religion and socio-economic status (neither of which I belong to) and although I have felt sad about it, I have now started to distance myself because I am note prepared to be anyone’s spare part. I have wonderful friends family, some of which I’ve known for decades and I’m not begging for anybody’s affections.

i feel the same. I feel like I have no one that I call a best friend or that really good group of girl friends.
I often think maybe it is me. I had PND after the birth of my son during covid so withdrew a bit.
My once closest friend has drifted from me she takes ages to text back, doesn’t like any of my social media posts or really asks about my life. I still try to make an effort to see her bit then find out she goes out with another group (who I know and get on well with too) but I don’t get invited. She drunkenly told me I had changed since having my son and more recently her husband said they refer to the “old me” as fun. Admittedly I don’t drink much anymore but that’s because of secondary infertility - something she doesn’t really ask me about either.
My friends from uni and school are great but we don’t love close by and the whats app chat never really gets going so I don’t feel really connected to them all the time.
I don’t know if it’s me but any tips to be a better friend are appreciated x

I've experienced this over the past couple of years with two friends. Both had become long-distance friendships so I guess not surprising. But one in particular I still grieve for occasionally - she was a very close friend during a different time in my life, and I think that my grief over losing her as a friend is tied up with my nostalgia about that period of time.

I felt quite alone in the pandemic - single parent. Ex husband was local but he literally disappeared off the face of the planet and I had to isolate for over 16 weeks. At the time I was so lonely and my friends retreated.
Spent loads of time evaluating and in trauma related counselling and children are 3 years older and although we have friends - we have moved and made a new life and I’ve ditched friendship which we draining for me / very one sided friendship and now much much more balanced.

My "best friend" and i are limping on but had babies in the pandemic. I assumed we'd had even more time together and it would be great but there is a gulf between us.

Sometimes its like she's a stranger. Its almost worse staying in contact... i keeping hoping we will "go back"
I have no answers for you.

Maybe you should psychoanalyse things. Maybe there’s a pattern. Ultimately friendships are one of the more selfish relationships, you pick your friends, eg you’re not forced to be friends with someone just because you’re related. Therefore if a friendship stops being mutually beneficial, friends aren’t indebted to you to ride it out. Though I think generally good friends stick around if they overall value your company. So my question is what about it put them off you completely? Why did they stop enjoying your company? How did you make them feel after interactions with them? Were there signs? If you genuinely can’t think of anything, maybe they’re just in a different stage in life than you and have different priorities - though most people are surely happy to go through life with a couple of friends

I think a lot of people have intentionally revised how they live their life, or made changes in how they live unintentionally, because of lockdowns and less social connection during lockdowns. I think people have become more insular and less connected to some friends as a result. This means some relationships just don't have as much holding them together anymore, so people don't make the effort.