Grieving for lost friendships

[Nobodysbidness]

In the last couple of years, it seems to me that something has happened to friendships that had previously managed to float along reasonably well. I see other posts occasionally on this subject here so thought I'd ask for advice.

Personally, I've lost a couple of friends - one by a couple of friends through gradually ghosting brought about by distance and through differing attitudes to the seriousness of the pandemic and adhering to the controls put in place by that, and another work friendship that fell apart following a difficult period (we've both since moved on from the role but our wider circles still overlap, which is tricky for both of us).

Without psychoanalysing either of these scenarios, I wanted to ask if others had experienced similar changes in long-established friendships since the pandemic, and if so what tips anyone might have for adjusting to and dealing with the loss? And if there's a way to gracefully and civilly navigate scenarios where you and a former close friend inevitably end up together at wider gatherings?

I think your situation is a little different from the usual threads as you basically know why the friendships ended. So is your sadness mainly that you don’t think those reasons were serious enough to break the friendship or that those triggers made you or see a different side to those people and you’re mourning the people you thought they were?

with kids growing up I think sometimes you realise that some friendships were mainly friendships of convenience- you genuinely liked the person but the fact your kids were same age and got on was a huge bonus. Once the kids become socially independent, so you don’t need a comrade to face down the soft play anymore, it’s easy to drift.

Agree that Covid may have changed things. Also as I get older, I realised simply that I wasn’t getting much out of some friendships and that I’d rather not meet up. Listening to friends talk endlessly about people I don’t know, being in a group where I couldn’t join in the conversation , this happened too often

Not sure op as had same here. I wonder are people so busy now nobody keeps contact. I tend do things on my own now its less hassle. Then ages wait for people to text u back

I’ve had the same thing happen. It feels like everyone has had a personality transplant around us. People who don’t use Facebook/insta etc have remained the same, but the people who are prolific users of these platforms talk like they are making status updates, show little interest in return and ghost when someone ‘better’ comes along.
Ive had to see some of them in ‘real life’ social situations and I find they just fake niceness. A hug or a kiss on the cheek ‘hi hun, how are you?’ but they don’t care really. Then it’s back to the distance. I find a lot of people very fake these days. So I’ve never found it unbearable to have to see them again. Just found it very false and fake and just gritted my teeth and smiled.

this is something I’m thinking about in relation to one friend in particular. We live in different countries, so have reverted to text conversations mainly …. And when I queried recently if everything was ok as she seemed “less engaged”, she reckons she’s pulled back because she felt she was making more effort than I. I’m interpreting that as that I don’t respond quick enough to her messages. I realise this all sounds a bit “teenage” for a pair of 40-somethings!!
I reckon I value quality over quantity in terms of messaging …. I’m ok not knowing what she had for breakfast, and certainly wouldn’t feel the need to give her daily updates on life. I’d prefer to know she had my back ….. and she hadn’t rushed to assume I didn’t care so much just because I didn’t text according to her idea of “quick enough”.

sorry, that doesn’t help anyone else …. But useful to know others go through similar.

Yes alot of fakeness too or people dont commit to meet. Think hobbies help my kids in sports teams and you not reliant on one friend