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Original poster

AIBU if I work in a bar twice a month?

33 replies

Jazz4823 · 08/09/2023 12:32

Hi everyone. I will try and keep this as short as possible.

Me and my partner have had on-going and exhausting arguments over this subject and we don't seem to be getting anywhere near a resolution. We're both as stubborn as each other but I am very close to backing down because we can't go on like this, but i don't want to and I'm worried that if I do I will feel resentful.

We have two children aged 9 and 2.5. I work in the office of a bar and restaurant. It's a small office and I only work here for 8 hours per week. I earn very little (less than £100 per week) I am reluctant to work more through the week because of childcare costs for our little one, so until he turns 3 and we're entitled to childcare allowance I feel as though it's sensible to stick to this routine. My partner is out of the house working from 7.30 am - 6.30 pm, Monday - Friday and rarely takes a holiday but we do get weekends together. So obviously I do every school run, childminder drop off, take time off work for illness and generally take full responsibility for the children through the week so that he can work with no interruptions or stress. I am fine with this as he is the sole provider and when he is home he is an excellent father and supports me and our family in every way possible. Including cooking many meals and helping with bath/bed times.

About a year ago I started working on Friday nights in the bar (where I already work). This worked well financially because my partner would be home therefore no childcare cost. I very much enjoy this shift, it gives me job satisfaction that the office does not, it's sociable, I feel I can be 'me' as I get very little time to myself away from being a mum and I'm good at it.
My partner is not happy with me doing this. He has been asking me to give it up for the last 6 months. Back when he first asked me to stop I explained how I didn't want to and this job was important to me, he didn't really care and in the end I compromised and went down to two shifts per month rather than every week. (Friday nights 6 pm - midnight)
He has continued to have an issue with this throughout and it has caused endless arguments and problems within our relationship.
His reasons for wanting me to stop are this (his words)
He works hard throughout the week and to have to do the kids on his own isn't fair (twice per month...) and he finds it exhausting. It interrupts our weekends and I've spent the last 1/4 of the year working. Also our eldest son goes to football training on a Friday night which adds to the responsibility.
I disagree with this because we have every other night together, I don't consider Friday night as a huge part of the weekend, there's two other Friday nights in the month where I'm free so we can organise to do things then (not that he ever does organise anything for us to do)
I just feel as though he is jealous of me being in this environment, I think the reasons that he gives are just excuses, I know full well he can handle the kids on his own. He's an excellent Dad.
He is never controlling but he does show signs of feeling very insecure and jealous, even though we have a good relationship and I have been nothing but loyal in the whole 10 years that we've been together.
I just don't know where to go from here, how to help him come to terms with it if I carry on or should I just stop? Plenty of families with two working parents have to do shift/evening/weekend work. I sometimes think what if i was going cleaning or caring would he still feel this uncomfortable?
I can't help but feel that my needs and enjoyment is being overlooked and hes being selfish.
Any opinions/resolutions welcome.

OP posts:
donkra · 08/09/2023 12:34

Oh, he can fuck right off. Looking after his own DC two evenings a month, a substantial chunk of which they're asleep anyway, is too hard? Boo hoo, poor baby.

Tell him he can cope and you're not stopping.

Kezhoust2586 · 08/09/2023 12:52

donkra · 08/09/2023 12:34

Oh, he can fuck right off. Looking after his own DC two evenings a month, a substantial chunk of which they're asleep anyway, is too hard? Boo hoo, poor baby.

Tell him he can cope and you're not stopping.

This 👏👏

OhCobblers · 08/09/2023 12:58

donkra · 08/09/2023 12:34

Oh, he can fuck right off. Looking after his own DC two evenings a month, a substantial chunk of which they're asleep anyway, is too hard? Boo hoo, poor baby.

Tell him he can cope and you're not stopping.

Yup - this sums it up!

He's not really an excellent dad is he if he can't manage his own children on his own for 2 nights without being stressed?!
I also wouldn't have dropped the other 2 shifts either!

OhCobblers · 08/09/2023 12:59

can't help but feel that my needs and enjoyment is being overlooked and hes being selfish.

Very true. Can't help with any resolutions apart from telling him to stop being a selfish arse and to grow up?!

UsingChangeofName · 08/09/2023 13:12

What @donkra said.

The only thing YABU about here, is cutting it down to twice a month.
It sounds like the perfect set up to me, just one night a week working when you don't need to pay for childcare.
I presume for at least half the hours you work, the dc are tucked up in bed anyhow? So we are only talking about him being a parent for about 3 hours, twice a month ? Hmm

UsingChangeofName · 08/09/2023 13:13

Quite frankly, I would say YWNBU to go out one night every week, just for your own pleasure / fun / entertainment - whatever it is to get a break from the 24/7 monotony that is childcare.
The fact you are also bringing money into the household budget doing this, rather than spending on a hobby, ought to be seen as a bonus by him.

PinkRoses1245 · 08/09/2023 13:16

"he's an excellent dad" sorry but he's not if he's complaining about doing basic parenting 2 nights a month. You say partner, i assume not married. In this case, if I were you I'd be trying to get as much work as possible. You have zero legal protection if you split.

AlltheFs · 08/09/2023 13:20

Do not back down!

There is absolutely no way I’d give this up, I’d increase it back to weekly tbh.

As soon as you get your funded childcare hours increase your working. You don’t want to be dependent on him. He is not a keeper.

tribpot · 08/09/2023 13:24

I am fine with this as he is the sole provider

No he isn't. You're working too.

I explained how I didn't want to and this job was important to me, he didn't really care

Yet you are picked up the entire workload in the house because of his important job that is Monday-Friday.

I have very marginal sympathy for him that the childcare shift he's picking up is at the end of the week. But I do mean very marginal. I assume that working in the bar on another night isn't an option, they need you on a Friday because it's the busiest shift?

I think he needs a reality check to find out if he thinks he's in a partnership of equals, or if he thinks you're a poorly paid servant.

Missedmytoe · 08/09/2023 13:29

donkra · 08/09/2023 12:34

Oh, he can fuck right off. Looking after his own DC two evenings a month, a substantial chunk of which they're asleep anyway, is too hard? Boo hoo, poor baby.

Tell him he can cope and you're not stopping.

Adding agreement with this. He's being pathetic.

Purplecatshopaholic · 08/09/2023 13:29

donkra · 08/09/2023 12:34

Oh, he can fuck right off. Looking after his own DC two evenings a month, a substantial chunk of which they're asleep anyway, is too hard? Boo hoo, poor baby.

Tell him he can cope and you're not stopping.

First response nails it.

ReeseWitherfork · 08/09/2023 13:31

Excellent dads don’t moan about looking after their kids.

GarlicGrace · 08/09/2023 13:40

Go back to every Friday. I'm glad you're getting this opportunity to be yourself and to be around adults in a social setting, it's important for your wellbeing.

Of course, you're in a social setting but not 'socialising' because you're at work! It used to get a bit tiring when customers said how lovely it was to be off work for four days and out for Christmas dinner in such a great atmosphere - well, it was a great atmosphere because we were working to make it that way! Your partner seems one of those who can't tell the difference between being the guest and the host.

With that in mind, do the pair of you get out socially together? This might be a good idea. You can go halves on the cost of a sitter. Don't back down on your Fridays, though. He's the children's parent; let him parent one night a week.

toddlermom99 · 08/09/2023 14:49

I don't think it's anything to do with him doing the parenting alone for a few hours every other week. I think he's jealous of the fact you're working in a bar where men are obviously there drinking, possibly flirting the odd time. I think he has a problem with the environment you're in. Either way he's an arsehole who needs to get a grip, but that's my thought process behind it

SamW98 · 08/09/2023 14:51

donkra · 08/09/2023 12:34

Oh, he can fuck right off. Looking after his own DC two evenings a month, a substantial chunk of which they're asleep anyway, is too hard? Boo hoo, poor baby.

Tell him he can cope and you're not stopping.

First response says it all 👏👏👏👏

Bananalanacake · 08/09/2023 15:11

Oh another controlling man who doesn't like you talking to people other than him. Is looking after his own DC really that difficult.

moresleepthanks · 08/09/2023 15:17

The only way his anxieties around you having a life that doesn't include him are for you to keep having your life and for him to realize that nothing problematic will happen.
These are his issues for him to manage.

Your only mistake was cutting down your hours.

moresleepthanks · 08/09/2023 15:19

Damm, we don't have the editing button on the app.
The only way for his anxiety to reduce

BlooDeBloop · 08/09/2023 15:21

Seems to me he doesn't like you being financially productive and/or is worried about the social aspect of your job (ultimately, that you'll be unfaithful).

Both are threatening to the status quo. For whatever reason, he prefers the status quo to you earning more money working at the bar. First you need to have a deep talk and figure out what the problem is for him. Then you can decide what to do. I think the worse thing is the discomfort around earning. I wouldn't easily see how to get through that. Insecurity is easier. You get a different part time job and see if that solves the problem. Security comes from better communication, understanding each other's weaknesses, what the partner needs are etc.

AllProperTeaIsTheft · 08/09/2023 15:23

Aww poor diddums, having to look after his own children occasionally. On his own Shock. And he sounds like a controlling arse.

SheilaFentiman · 08/09/2023 15:55

Of course he can parent once a week.

catsnhats11 · 08/09/2023 16:01

I agree with PP ... but.. as a compromise could you switch to another night, I know you said Friday is the same as any other, but when you work full-time Mon-Fri it isn't really...

perfectcolourfound · 08/09/2023 17:16

He's pathetic. Useless. Controlling.

Findyourneutralspace · 08/09/2023 17:35

Given everything you do for the DCs you would not BU to just go out to the bar for a few drinks with your mates a couple of times a month. The fact you’re working and bringing extra cash in… yeah, what @donkra said.

Do you get to have a social life at all?

perfectcolourfound · 08/09/2023 17:49

Something was bothering me about your post and I've just realised - it's that you even have to ask if you're being unreasonable for making decisions like a capable adult.

Your husband isn't your boss. He isn't superior to you. He can't think on your behalf. He can't order you around. If there is a part of you that thinks maybe you're being unreasonable, please be assured you are not.