Question for remorseful cheaters

[SubterraneanHomesickBlues]

Not long ago I found out my boyfriend cheated when we were long distance for university. He is remorseful and trying to get a second chance, but I'm just trying to understand why people do things like this.

Were we terribly serious when it happened? No, not really. We'd been dating for a while and he had told me he saw us together long term and we were exclusive. That was something he asked for, not me.

If he had decided he didn't want to do long distance fidelity, I'm not sure why he didn't just tell me he had met someone else - then he would have been legitimately free to be with this other person.

I asked him this question and he said he never wanted to be with this other person, he was just extremely lonely and wanted companionship. He said a lot of drinking and living in the same hall led to sex but sex wasn't what he wanted.

I think he very much liked the other person but he says it was me he was in love with and never wanted a romantic relationship with the other person. None of that really makes sense to me at all.

Do some people have some weird capacity for compartmentalising?

Why would you even want to have sex with one person if it were another you wanted to be with?

I don't think he's any kind of casanova. He's a bit socially awkward and I think from what his friends told me that she threw herself quite aggressively at him but to me that's not really an explanation.

I am just trying to understand, because he's very tearful and desperate and begging but I can't wrap my head around why he'd do this.

Do I believe it was just for sex? Not really. He doesn't seem like the type, but maybe it was. He's not the womaniser type. It just seems incredibly destructive behaviour.

He says I'm the girl he always wanted to find and meet and he's ruined it all now, but I'm trying to grasp why if he felt that way that he would jeopardise something that's evidently of value to him.

We're not 15. We are PhD students, and being separated was part of a big academic achievement for us both and the plan was to be together after we had finished.

Hmm. I was befriended by a guy in my hall. We got on really well as friends - should have stopped there and didn’t. Close proximity and late nights was the reason - his relationship was not actually mentioned (to me) until quite a way down the line, in fact he told me that a photo of her was his sister. I had no reason to probe further because we were genuinely just friends until we were suddenly more. Maybe later he also told his girlfriend I threw myself at him aggressively but that was not true. Just giving you another perspective.

Men biologically want sex and can have it successfully even without emotions attatched. Some even without attraction
They are also programmed to want to procreate THEiR seed into women and therefore don't like to share women and won't do so if they can help it. This is why monogamy is a thing, and this is why he wanted monogamy. He didn't want you with anyone else.

He is capable of this because..

1. He is young, and when testosterone comes to a party, everyone pays attention.
2. He was drunk, and his self-control that he should have had was now gone. Although when he is sober, it should return, but who knows really what happens in their empty vessels.
3. She made it easy for him, so the hard part was taken care of.
4. His thought process was that he didn't expect to get caught, and he possibly didn't even think at all. He just did.

i) What you don't know won't hurt you. Men in their 70s think this way still. They don't know we.have those good old gut instincts.
ii) He never gave himself time to think about her having her feelings hurt or possibly didn't want to think about them. So it was a sure thing that you wouldn't even find out from anyone else. She is still a bitch for this but at least she had no loyalty to you. They were at least both in on the secret, and you were not, so they are both still wrong.
Iii) He is an amatuer as he has little to no experience dealing with women, or their feelings, or these situations because a pro would have it all covered.

1. He's growing up in the hook up culture age, and I think some guys think it's expected of them. I've seen men be encouraged to cheat from their friends as men have a bro code.
2. He has never been hurt before. He doesn't know what it feels like to be cheated on. So if the consequences of you knowing was that you may be hurt, then he may not have given it much thought. They all think that THEIR girlfriemds are different, even the poly ones. But most women just go along with what they want or with that idea because they already have feelings for them and don't want to lose them. We aren't programmed that way. He also doesn't know what it's like to care for someone, and they either say it with words or do it with actions to suggest they may feel it also but then lead them along. He used her as a living sex toy, and that's not good. Especially when she had feelings for him. His inexperience may have caused him to not realise what this was doing to her even though she may have been delusional.

I hate that they can cheat so easily (women can too but that seems to be more when something is missing in the relationship or if they are empty inside.) It's comes down to maturity and learning from mistakes. It's important that you tell him know how he has hurt you both and what that feels like. Get him and her together without them knowing, and then you can hear the story from both of them with not just the one-sided stuff, hopefully.

Men, even when they are in love, can have the ability to hurt us. It can just come down to having the opportunity, the right circumstances, and the ability to lie every day to the person they love, knowing that if this person finds out, it will destroy them. This is where my conscience would kick in as I just wouldn't even be able to sleep. But men can think with either their dick or their brains, but never both as the blood will only cover one area at a time.

I've seen too much Internet dating horror stories, I think. I started to see lots of women who were finding their partners on gay sites looking for men on the down low as stories.online. Some straight men, and some bi. So when I saw this, I thought "well at least it's a woman!" Are men or dating getting so bad that I'm actually grateful that it's a woman?

Sometimes, the worst thing a woman can have is her expectations in a man. I'm suing all those media stations that sold a lie on romance. It's never perfect true love forever, and it's never us dealing with issues together as a Brady bunch team. People will lie to protect you, to protect them, to get what they need as humans, and even to continuously get the sex they desire. So get that gut instinct that us women are blessed with, all fired up and working for the next idiot that tries to sell us the dream.

Sorry to burst that bubble, but even the nicest of men, can be cunts! Tell him she's or even you are both pregnant, or say you and her are in a relationship and will.bring them up together. Payback. 😄 Get them both in the same room though, and.ask those questions that you need answered. Even say to him that it's ruined your ability to trust in all men. This Internet has ruined mine.