Question for remorseful cheaters

[SubterraneanHomesickBlues]

Not long ago I found out my boyfriend cheated when we were long distance for university. He is remorseful and trying to get a second chance, but I'm just trying to understand why people do things like this.

Were we terribly serious when it happened? No, not really. We'd been dating for a while and he had told me he saw us together long term and we were exclusive. That was something he asked for, not me.

If he had decided he didn't want to do long distance fidelity, I'm not sure why he didn't just tell me he had met someone else - then he would have been legitimately free to be with this other person.

I asked him this question and he said he never wanted to be with this other person, he was just extremely lonely and wanted companionship. He said a lot of drinking and living in the same hall led to sex but sex wasn't what he wanted.

I think he very much liked the other person but he says it was me he was in love with and never wanted a romantic relationship with the other person. None of that really makes sense to me at all.

Do some people have some weird capacity for compartmentalising?

Why would you even want to have sex with one person if it were another you wanted to be with?

I don't think he's any kind of casanova. He's a bit socially awkward and I think from what his friends told me that she threw herself quite aggressively at him but to me that's not really an explanation.

I am just trying to understand, because he's very tearful and desperate and begging but I can't wrap my head around why he'd do this.

Do I believe it was just for sex? Not really. He doesn't seem like the type, but maybe it was. He's not the womaniser type. It just seems incredibly destructive behaviour.

He says I'm the girl he always wanted to find and meet and he's ruined it all now, but I'm trying to grasp why if he felt that way that he would jeopardise something that's evidently of value to him.

We're not 15. We are PhD students, and being separated was part of a big academic achievement for us both and the plan was to be together after we had finished.

Nothing reflects well on him here. He is using her interest in him as a comfort shag whenever he has an itch to scratch, meanwhile hoping you will forgive his infidelity and be the official girlfriend he really wants when you are available.

This doesn't say much for his respect for women.

I think it wasn't about you and your relationship together, it was about him. Possibly how he feels about himself.

He's been a twat to both of you- your effort is not best spent here working out which of the two women are the most important to him. What does that matter?
Both of you move on - life will throw loads more at you and if you stay with him, you will know he is never quite fully trustworthy

I sacrificed opportunities to meet other people, enjoy sex, mini breaks, companionship etc. and I was invested and knowing I was being tricked feels very unpleasant.

At least you're still young and you're not saying this when finding out you can't trust him after 22 years of marriage and 5 kids! Don't do it OP, he's not the one for you even if he thinks you are the one for him (but has a very fucking odd way of showing it)!

There's a conditioning in their mindset that, in most cases, never goes away. They cant get the concept of unconditional love and are always looking for something better in life because they never seem quite satisfied. It can also be influenced if there has been infidelity in their own family.

My soon to be ex wife had an emotional affair some nine years ago and went one step further earlier this year (someone different). Her mother is one of the kindest and wonderful people I have actually ever met yet her father was a serial philanderer.

I'm afraid under their skin cheaters are selfish, deceitful and devious liars, who rarely change.

We all have a choice in life not to cheat.

He thought he’d get away with it but now he’s been exposed he is blaming her for pursuing him, and saying he just couldn’t help himself having sex with her. (Really? Does he show such lack of control in other areas of his life?)
If you take him back then you will be colluding with this narrative and he will be able to tell himself that none of it was his fault.

The bottom line is he is sorry he got caught.

OP I don't think this person deserves your heads pace. cut your losses. he sounds weak willed and spineless. not worth your time or energy.

Here's my take on having lived through something similar

So, not in a nasty way but a weak way, he wanted to have his cake and eat it! Have you on stand-by and have someone else to fill in for you because he was lonely, and later got addicted to the attention to relieve the loneliness. But he did not want to give up his stand-by option. He obviously likes you a lot as well.

If in future, while iving together, you don't pay enough attention to him, there is always a chance he could get lonely again, and if a nice lady comes along at work and pays him attention.... there is a risk he would stray again. Especially you reconcile without both having therapy.

The risk is slightly higher with him because you've shown him forgiveness once and he is probably just a "gets lonely easily" Clinger type. He'll likely be able to compartmentalise again. And unless he learns to tell you about his feelings he's likely to want to hide it again.

If you were to live together, and to "pay him plenty of attention" and he doesn't get lonely with you, you can probably mitigate the risk. There are no guarantees in any relationship.

Beware of your own tiredness and tendency to shut him out due to your own overwhelm, especially if you have kids. Through no real fault of your own, just inattention because you're busy and preoccupied, he could get very lonely again. And if there is any other tension between you, he may decide to not tell you about it.

The best you can do if you decide to stay together is to work very hard on your communication skills together. Make it very easy for him to tell you if he feels lonely and ask him how he is feeling often.

I know this might sound like hard work and it's not all down to you. He needs to learn to take care of his own loneliness in ways that don't threaten your relationship. But you must talk straight about this issue and his tendencies.

Ideally make sure your Clingy, needy partner is not alone for long stretches. Its just hard on them. I think theres not point expecting him to dramatically become another person.

It's probably his basic program to be a Clinger. The Clinger- Avoider dynamic exists as an imbalance in many many relationships, probably more than 80%. It can causes all sorts of problems if you don't address it.

Or, you can split and try to find someone else. But you this issue is a very common one. Its worth developing skills and awareness in dealing with it. Trust can be rebuilt, with time and the right actions on both sides. How special is he for you? Only you know.

I cheated in a long distance relationship when I was in my 20s.

To be honest, I did it because it was easy. I loved my girlfriend at the time and didn't want to hurt her, but also knew I could get away with it, therefore she wouldn't get hurt.

I'm not particularly monogamous and find it easy to compartmentalise things, so when I was with the other women, I didn't really think about girlfriend, and when I was with girlfriend, I didn't really think about the other women.

Eventually I ended things with girlfriend after a very good friend gave me an absolute bollocking about it, and I realised that no, she wasn't likely to find out about it, but I was still hurting her by not putting the effort into phone calls with her etc.

I've been with my current partner for 17 years and I've never cheated on her, but that's because I don't want to hurt her, not because I don't want to sleep with other people. I'm not monogamous, but she is, so I am for her.

As a result I don't put myself it situations where I could get away with cheating. I know long distance doesn't work for me, so would never do it again. I've decided to skip promotions that would require me to do overnights in hotels alone, because there would be situations where I could cheat and get away with it. I go away for weekends with my mates sometimes, but only ones that know DP and would report back to her if I cheated.

In short, I know that in the moment I'll think with my dick, so I make sure it never gets that option.

Well said. I think we're not "wired" for monogamy and time apart puts a massive strain on people who need that company. It's just not realistic to expect people to never act impulsively. Far better be realistic about who / how you are.

PS Sorry OP, did not read that you already split! Anyway. Advice still holds for any future relationships. People are weak and make mistakes. We try to mitigate, and we otherwise deal with the fallout. It can be painful but you learn stuff too. Good luck.

This is why there are commonly used phrases in circulation such as "men think with their dicks" "all men ever want is sex" "most men would fuck a ham sandwich". OK these are quite nasty and reductive sayings but they exist because sadly there's lot of truth in them. Most men will sleep around, if given the opportunity, and the reason is because they can. Don't look for some deep seated, long winded, emotional explanation because there isn't one. They wanted to in the moment, so they did. Male and female psychology is different.

Thanks for all the replies...

Does he show such lack of control in other areas of his life?

No, generally he is the complete opposite. It doesn't fit him at all to be reckless or not think things through carefully.

So, not in a nasty way but a weak way, he wanted to have his cake and eat it!

I suppose it's that simple isn't it? The part that puzzles me is how stupid he was about it. Why did he even tell her about me at all? He could have carried on in a much more clever way, rather than telling her about me and who I was etc. so she was able to easily locate me.

Have you on stand-by and have someone else to fill in for you because he was lonely, and later got addicted to the attention to relieve the loneliness. But he did not want to give up his stand-by option

This sounds absolutely horrible. I really hope this isn't an accurate picture but it sounds like it's likely objectively speaking.

If you were to live together, and to "pay him plenty of attention" and he doesn't get lonely with you, you can probably mitigate the risk

This also sounds absolutely horrible.

It's probably his basic program to be a Clinger. The Clinger- Avoider dynamic exists as an imbalance in many many relationships, probably more than 80%

He is actually the avoider in relationships. Partly why he was the last person I thought would ever cheat, he has issues with intimacy which is probably why the relationship wasn't too serious at first. I thought most people would find it hard to do without intimacy, but not him. If anything in the cheating relationship she was definitely the clinger and he the avoider.

Our relationship was a bit different because I am more relaxed and if he wanted to avoid intimacy I just let him go at his own pace. I was pretty busy with life and so on, and was okay to move slowly. She was very, very different to this and wanted instant love / commitment and so on.

@Bobbotgegrinch

Thank you for the honest post.

I am not sure if he's completely lying to me (and even to himself) but he is adamant he was going to tell me once he'd successfully ended it. I am still unclear why he was unable to "successfully end it".

He is also monogamous naturally, so this is out of character and contrary to what he'd normally be like but he also thinks the solution is to get back together and never be separated again.

As previous people have said, this just seems crazy to me. Life throws curve balls. I could get unwell or have to go away and you have to be able to trust your partner isn't going to replace you.

Being honest, if he had just had casual sex a few times, I would find that easier - both to understand and to move on from given that we were not terribly serious yet (hadn't let family etc) and we are quite young and we were apart sometimes for long periods.

However the fact he seems to have cheated with someone and found it impossible to "successfully end it" makes me think his feelings for me aren't that strong. Why on earth would it be hard to end it?

@Theredfoxfliesatmidnight

This is why there are commonly used phrases in circulation such as "men think with their dicks" "all men ever want is sex" "most men would fuck a ham sandwich". OK these are quite nasty and reductive sayings but they exist because sadly there's lot of truth in them. Most men will sleep around, if given the opportunity, and the reason is because they can. Don't look for some deep seated, long winded, emotional explanation because there isn't one. They wanted to in the moment, so they did. Male and female psychology is different

As gross as it is, there is an element of truth. I do know many men who are NOT like this though. My brothers for example. The last thing on earth they'd have the slightest interest in is messing around on their wives.

As hard as this is to say though, I don't think he was "thinking with his dick". I think it was more than that. I think he was spending all his time with this other person and formed a bond and basically had a second girlfriend really. I don't think he did it for the sex. That makes me feel horribly sad, but I think she basically filled my shoes completely.

So he told you he wanted exclusivity, which meant you stayed faithful to him, but then he had a romantic relationship including sex with another woman over a period of several months? And that relationship was serious enough in her mind that she's telling you now, because she still wants to be with him. That means they must have formed quite a bond.

Given all this, I wouldn't take him back. What would it teach him - that if he cries loudly enough you'll forgive anything.

You wouldn't know a damn thing about it if it wasn't for the OW telling you. He was keeping that very quiet, wasn't he? Yet you will have seen him the day after he'd been with her - he would have left you after a weekend knowing he was going to go to her house. No. He's dishonest, manipulative and a cheat.

she basically filled my shoes completely

That means neither of you meant anything to him.

It's funny how women will say about their cheating boyfriends, "But it wasn't about sex" yet it ALWAYS involves sex, doesn't it? If he wanted a friendship, he could have had one of those.

Never ever give a second chance to a man who cheated with a woman who 'threw herself aggressively at him'. In most cases this is simply a lie that attempts to foist the blame elsewhere rather than taking responsibility; and where theres no responsibility taken there's no change. It will be something that 'happened' rather than something he did.
In cases where there's some truth in it, it indicates the man is extremely weak and easily led, which bodes very badly indeed for a relationship. Truly, I can't say it enough, that one factor alone would be my deal breaker.

@OhComeOnFFS

So he told you he wanted exclusivity, which meant you stayed faithful to him, but then he had a romantic relationship including sex with another woman over a period of several months? And that relationship was serious enough in her mind that she's telling you now, because she still wants to be with him. That means they must have formed quite a bond

Yes, this sums is up basically!

@OhComeOnFFS

It's funny how women will say about their cheating boyfriends, "But it wasn't about sex" yet it ALWAYS involves sex, doesn't it? If he wanted a friendship, he could have had one of those

I'd feel better if I thought it was about sex. Unfortunately I think it was more about companionship and intimacy, which is far worse to me.

I can absolutely see some poor woman marrying this bloke, having dc with him and then being shocked when some office affair is uncovered. Which he will then not really want to give up.
He doesn't sound strong enough to either say no or be by himself.
Both are terrible traits in a long term partnership.
At least this woman won't be you OP.

This thinking is all too intense. Two women poring over his every thought and wish and motivation. I bet he isn't thinking this deeply about his terrible behaviour.
Get angry OP. He's literally lied to both of you over and over again. He doesn't love you enough gor you yo give him any more of your life. I'll give you a bit of advice if it's not too patronising: you will never know what he is thinking/why he did it/etc etc
He's just a cheat , not some magical unicorn , just a common or garden cheat

Cheating is about the cheater not the relationship. Sadly you are collateral damage.

I don’t cheat on my husband because I choose not to cheat. Just like a vegetarian chooses to not eat meat (or haribos 😂), being a veggie is who they are, they have integrity and self worth and not eating meat is something they do for themselves. Nothing you do will make them eat meat. Bacon sarnies, haribo teddy bears - they decline, they live as per their values. It’s a choice made for them.
I don’t cheat, not for my husbands sake - he’s sometimes really annoying. I don’t cheat for Me. My husband is my collateral damage.

I have to live with myself for the rest of my life and I don’t want to look in the mirror at a women who broke her own integrity and word. My integrity is important to me - my husband is just lucky that I feel that way. He doesn’t make me faithful to him.

Your partner needs to work out why he chose to break his own boundaries, integrity and moral code. It’s fine to not be monogamous, but you don’t sneak around like a 13 year old with a cigarette, skulking down an alleyway. Own your decisions. He chose to betray you, he wanted you to play by one set of rules (monogamy) while he thinks he deserves to have another set of rules. The Shag lady when I’m sad rules. He has a BUT in his monogamy - I’m faithful but not when I’m lonely, I’m faithful but not when I doubt I’ll get caught, I’m faithful but not on freshers week etc.

Why didn’t he let you join the non-monogamy party? Why was attention more important than monogamy. Why was lying more important than honesty? He made a series of decisions - why? What has caused him to overcome the cognitive dissonance in his mind to sleep with this woman? She isn’t trustworthy (she told you), why did he trust her if your relationship was important to him?

He will never be a safe partner until he can explain why (without blaming you in any way). He will be susceptible to doing it again.

Low self esteem, selfishness, arrogance, compartmentalisation, want smoke blowing up his arse, inability to self soothe etc etc are potential causes but WHY is he that way?

While he is in poor me mode he is still being selfish. He has betrayed you and risked you getting PTSD and stds but he is wallowing in self pity. Why? Not telling you and giving you agency is a form of control. Blaming her is him controllling the narrative. He has fucked over two women to get ego kibbles - why?

No marriage, no kids, no mortgage - I’d walk away. You have no idea if this is the first time he cheated on you. He is a proven liar who can lie to your face. He’s now in woe is me mode.

Read cheating in a nutshell. How to help my partner heal from my affair and Not just friends.

Infidelity rarely has an upside, - however reading about it and sharing that knowledge and using it in future relationships may help you have a good life full of happiness and self worth going forward. You will identify red flags. Read those books regardless of your decision. Read Gottmans work too.

This man may be the man who makes you a really great partner (not saying you aren’t already but we can all improve our skills)- to someone else. That is what I would personally take from it.

I realise I didn't actually offer any advice in my post.

You can't, and shouldn't let him wheedle his way back into your life. He's shown you that you can't trust him, and if you continued a relationship with him you'll be wondering what he's up to every time he's out of your sight. It's no way to live.

I also wouldn't try and spend too much time dissecting what happened. This likely would have happened no matter who he was in a long distance relationship with. hes simply not set up for one, not matter how much he loved you. This isn't on you, it's about his weakness.

What an excellent post.