Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

How to have better sex

30 replies

juliajmsn · 08/09/2023 10:45

I am 29, DH is 34. Been together for 5 years. I think we've got a great relationship, we're very close, barely argue, have supported each other through tough times, we have a great time together and we are quite affectionate in that we give random hugs and kisses throughout the day a lot.

But! I feel like sex isn't massively enjoyable for him and I'd like to know how I can make it better for him (please don't start telling me to make it enjoyable for me, the question is specifically about him, I have a very low sex drive).

We currently have sex 3-4 times per week because we are TTC for the last 5 months. Before TTC we were having sex maybe once per week. He finishes every time we do it and gets an erection quite easily when I start touching him down there. I just have a sense he's not enjoying it as much as he could be, it's hard to describe why. I also remember when we first got together sometimes he would come so quickly and barely lasted, so wondering if he's become less attracted to me in that time. Now he can last for a while. How can I make it more enjoyable? He's quite awkward around the topic of sex and easily embarrassed so questions to him like 'are you enjoying this, how can I make this better for you?' won't give me much answers and he'll just awkwardly say 'it's great'

OP posts:
ReeseWitherfork · 08/09/2023 10:51

Specifically… I’d say stop overthinking it. It’s hard to tell from your post how worried/anxious you are about this but if there’s a possibility it looks like you’re stressing out whilst having sex then that probably isn’t a massive turn on.

Generally…. This is useful:
https://www.womenshealthmag.com/uk/health/sexual-health/a704136/sex-tips-for-women/

17 sex tips for women who have sex with men – these will make it extra hot

Remember – your pleasure comes first

https://www.womenshealthmag.com/uk/health/sexual-health/a704136/sex-tips-for-women/

WildFlowerBees · 08/09/2023 10:56

Have a read of this. I found it really interesting.

https://www.amazon.co.uk/dp/B073Z8CBQ4?nodl=1&ref=cmmswrrapindpp_W2R9ZV5F902QZAFPKT85&dplnkId=66e8511f-318b-42e5-b69d-d26276708a0e

Original poster
juliajmsn · 08/09/2023 10:58

Part of the reason I'm concerned maybe is that a few days ago he said to me 'just focus on the pen15, not the balls' as i was touching him and I thought the balls and scrotum were an area that gets guys aroused when touched... not sure what I should be doing!

Also used to give blow jobs but haven't for a while because I feel like I am not that great at them and it takes him a while to come

OP posts:
minipie · 08/09/2023 11:00

Don’t ask us. Ask him. He knows what he likes.

Original poster
juliajmsn · 08/09/2023 11:02

minipie · 08/09/2023 11:00

Don’t ask us. Ask him. He knows what he likes.

As mentioned in the post he's awkward around the topic so if I ask directly 'how's this? What do you want to do differently?' I'll just get an awkward 'it's great' in response

OP posts:
Bells3032 · 08/09/2023 11:04

best sex is when you communicate. Ask if what he likes. My dh hates me touching the balls. until i met him i always thought it was a good zone but he said nope right off the bat. different people like different things. You need to just be open and honest with each other.

3-4 times a week seems good but TTC can a real dampner on the sex drive as feels you HAVE to rather than you want to. so make sure you take the time to actually just have fun with sex and not just for ttc

Whattodo112222 · 08/09/2023 11:04

You're better off getting this moved to the Sex board OP. You'll get better advice there.

80s · 08/09/2023 11:08

he said to me 'just focus on the pen15, not the balls' as i was touching him
But he can and does tell you what he likes.
"What do you want to do differently?" doesn't sound like something you'd purr in his ear during the act. Maybe try phrasing it in a sexier way; "How's THIS?" "Do you want me to DO THIS?"

RocketIceLollie · 08/09/2023 11:09

Just ride him like he's a space hopper

AuntieEsther · 08/09/2023 11:11

The best sex is when both partners are really into it so it is a relevant question to ask how you can improve it for you too! If you view sex as something you do for him and you want to improve your technique you've slightly got things about face. But yes, you need to ask him what he likes really - nobody here knows what he will like.

fizz101 · 08/09/2023 11:11

My view as a man might not count for a lot on here but here goes.

When TTC and the man knows that the sex is for this purpose, it can be come a bit of a routine. Especially when the frequency has gone up and he knows that once this period is over it will become less frequent again. My advice is dont turn it into planning for a military operation and just try and go with the flow.

For me the biggest turn on when it comes to blow jobs is enthusiasm and confidence. Dont worry about trying to do everything perfect and just relax.

Carbonicalloy · 08/09/2023 11:12

As another has said, TTC can put a different light on sex- can start to feel like a duty even if you are enjoying it. That might be what you are sensing
I know you don't want advice about making it enjoyable for you, but how are you finding having sex so often if you have a low sex drive? If you are viewing it as a task to be ticked off he might be picking up on that?

Also, he is probably lasting longer as it's been less time since you last had sex, so I wouldn't read too much into that in terms of attraction.

Coffeeandcrocs · 08/09/2023 11:12

Itll likely be the pressure of TTC and the fact he knows it's now a job that you're doing to get pregnant - nothing less sexy than times sex and ovulation tests unfortunately

TottenhamGirl · 08/09/2023 11:24

Role play is super fun. It doesn’t have to be serious, just funny and imaginative, especially if you’re under pressure to have lots of sex … Just describing a scenario can get you both out of your head, relax, laugh and have some fun.

My favourites are the very pious priest holds ladder for seemingly innocent lady who arranges the flowers in the church. He can’t help but notice that she has filthsome underwear under her frumpy dress though! What they do next is up to you.

Harley Quinn & The Joker ….

I’m on a train and get caught by the very serious ticket inspector with no ticket. I end up having to find some other way to pay in the cramped, grubby little toilet ….

WalkingThroughTreacle · 08/09/2023 11:26

First and foremost, communication, communication, communication. That means listening, not just talking. For example, he's told you to focus less on his balls and more on the penis. Go with that, but maybe ask him while you're giving him attention what he likes and if he'd like you to do something else/different. Make it fun and flirty though, not like you are asking for instructions. You should do the same for him so you can help him know what lights your candle.

Second, sex when TTC can become a bit chore-like if you are not careful. Try and avoid that if you can. Better to skip a session when one or other of you is not in the mood than risk taking the fun out of it. Even if you feel you are on a schedule it should still be romantic and intimate and you should both feel genuinely desired by your partner, not just a life support system for a womb or a sperm donor.

Finally, be enthusiastic, but don't fake it. If either of you are a bit introverted sexually it may be out of your comfort zones to be more vocal and proactive but nothing is more of a turn off than a partner who gives the impression of just silently going through the motions.

MonicaPluto · 08/09/2023 13:31

Is 3-4 times a week too much for him if you previously only had it once a week?

Some people just have lower libidos and prefer quality over quantity....and for some it doesn't feel like 'quality' if it's too frequent for them even if the sex was good.

Also is it necessary to have sex 3-4 times every week to conceive? Isn't there only 1 week a month where you are fertile? Could you work out when your fertile week was and have sex 3-4 times that week and then revert to once a week on the other weeks?

SunflowerTed · 08/09/2023 13:36

TottenhamGirl · 08/09/2023 11:24

Role play is super fun. It doesn’t have to be serious, just funny and imaginative, especially if you’re under pressure to have lots of sex … Just describing a scenario can get you both out of your head, relax, laugh and have some fun.

My favourites are the very pious priest holds ladder for seemingly innocent lady who arranges the flowers in the church. He can’t help but notice that she has filthsome underwear under her frumpy dress though! What they do next is up to you.

Harley Quinn & The Joker ….

I’m on a train and get caught by the very serious ticket inspector with no ticket. I end up having to find some other way to pay in the cramped, grubby little toilet ….

Hahahahaahaha

SunflowerTed · 08/09/2023 13:38

juliajmsn · 08/09/2023 10:45

I am 29, DH is 34. Been together for 5 years. I think we've got a great relationship, we're very close, barely argue, have supported each other through tough times, we have a great time together and we are quite affectionate in that we give random hugs and kisses throughout the day a lot.

But! I feel like sex isn't massively enjoyable for him and I'd like to know how I can make it better for him (please don't start telling me to make it enjoyable for me, the question is specifically about him, I have a very low sex drive).

We currently have sex 3-4 times per week because we are TTC for the last 5 months. Before TTC we were having sex maybe once per week. He finishes every time we do it and gets an erection quite easily when I start touching him down there. I just have a sense he's not enjoying it as much as he could be, it's hard to describe why. I also remember when we first got together sometimes he would come so quickly and barely lasted, so wondering if he's become less attracted to me in that time. Now he can last for a while. How can I make it more enjoyable? He's quite awkward around the topic of sex and easily embarrassed so questions to him like 'are you enjoying this, how can I make this better for you?' won't give me much answers and he'll just awkwardly say 'it's great'

If you are close then you need to have these conversations. Also it would be more enjoyable for him fi he saw that you were enjoying it too

OnAir · 08/09/2023 13:41

Have a date night and order the adult board game monogamy. It's great fun and it's perfect for exploring what you're both actually into. Couple of drinks for some Dutch courage. Honestly best board game we have ever bought. Well worth it. Definitely recommend.

Thisistyresome · 08/09/2023 16:47

Sounds like he has an issue with communicating about this. Could be high levels of shame from childhood or something? Could he go to counselling to make him more open? If could also be that he does really enjoy what you do but is a really poor communicator, again counselling may help him with that.

Original poster
juliajmsn · 08/09/2023 21:56

MonicaPluto · 08/09/2023 13:31

Is 3-4 times a week too much for him if you previously only had it once a week?

Some people just have lower libidos and prefer quality over quantity....and for some it doesn't feel like 'quality' if it's too frequent for them even if the sex was good.

Also is it necessary to have sex 3-4 times every week to conceive? Isn't there only 1 week a month where you are fertile? Could you work out when your fertile week was and have sex 3-4 times that week and then revert to once a week on the other weeks?

It's recommended that you have sex every other day throughout the month rather than just fertile week because a) sometimes early or late ovulation happens, even in people with regular cycles and b) make for better sperm quality if sex is at that fréquence

OP posts:
Ollifer · 08/09/2023 22:03

OnAir · 08/09/2023 13:41

Have a date night and order the adult board game monogamy. It's great fun and it's perfect for exploring what you're both actually into. Couple of drinks for some Dutch courage. Honestly best board game we have ever bought. Well worth it. Definitely recommend.

Oh god I brought that some years back and cringed all the way throughout 🤣 I swear there was a card in there that made me get behind my partner and thrust enthusiastically 😭😭😂😂 it was the most unsexiest night ever but we did have a good laugh to be honest.

Mousey8 · 08/09/2023 22:47

@Ollifer same!

OP try telling him what turns you on, tell him what you’re enjoying mid-moment, and suggest things he can do to you. Maybe he’ll enjoy hearing that and it’ll open up communication or make him more enthusiastic?

MonicaPluto · 08/09/2023 22:48

juliajmsn · 08/09/2023 21:56

It's recommended that you have sex every other day throughout the month rather than just fertile week because a) sometimes early or late ovulation happens, even in people with regular cycles and b) make for better sperm quality if sex is at that fréquence

Show quote history

Ok, but doesn't stress affect sperm count/quality also? If he's not enjoying the sex then it's likely to be stressful so you might be better off taking a more relaxed approach.

You said that you have a very low sex drive and you don't want tips for making it more enjoyable for you, do you actually enjoy the sex at all? You mention a few times that he's awkward about the topic but I would be too if my partner had a low sex drive. That's not a criticism on you, but it wouldn't be fun for me to explore or ask for more fun things if my partner wasn't on the same page. I know there's some men who don't give a shit if their partner is into it or not but maybe your partner isn't one of them.

Beartotread · 17/02/2024 20:57

I know where you are. I was in the exact same situation. My wife was desperate for a 2nd child and I had failed to impregnate her over the previous 3 months. One evening on the 4th month, I was working late and my wife said she was going to bed. I finished working and went to bed half an hour behind her. When I went to bed she was lying on the bed naked with no bed covers. I swear it was that evening that our 2nd child was conceived. Don't overthink it, you will be fine. Enjoy trying x

Swipe left for the next trending thread