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Original poster

What's the appeal

49 replies

CookieDoughKid · 07/09/2023 22:33

My 48 old dh (I say dh but we aren't actually married) is leaving me for a 31 yo woman finally he came clean with the affair. I'm 47. We have two teens. He is C level at a company, doing well. She worked at his last company . Classic. Hes balding, over weight big belly, he's not good looking truly. When dh got together we were both in our late twenties. We met when we were young and he was athletic at the time.

She is young, attractive, no kids. When I was her age I wouldn't even DREAM of cheating on a 'married' man with two teens let alone someone who is almost 50. Is it financiallsecurity she's after? Whats the deal? She's got a decent job. I don't get the appeal. Please can someone explain.

OP posts:
HopeFloatsAbove · 08/09/2023 00:12

Well you would not do that due to your standards. And this is so cilice, man works, younger woman at work, man falls for the younger woman.

If only us women could unpick all the reasons why this happens, its all too common.

Be glad he is leaving. Just dont open the door for him if he decides he cannot keep up, saw sense and wants to come back to the norm. Cause some men do come back claiming they had a midlife crisis, they miss the good food, clean clothes and familiarity.

Check out Chump Lady if you have not already.

Home Page - ChumpLady.com

Home Page - ChumpLady.com

Chump Lady is the alter ego of blogger, cartoonist, and journalist Tracy Schorn, author of 'Leave a Cheater, Gain a Life – The Chump Lady’s Survival Guide.'

https://www.chumplady.com/

Pinkbonbon · 08/09/2023 01:18

Hmm....

Is he a love bombing smooth talker?
(And she has zero self worth).

Maybe she's the equivalent of guys who chase after married women? (For their ego). Like a narcissist or similar.

No idea. I'm 34 and I'm rarely interested in men more than a couple of years older, let alone a man of that age. Some women are weird.

Original poster
CookieDoughKid · 08/09/2023 04:48

Thank you for your perspectives. I read somewhere that married men are appealing to these women because they demonstrate commitment and security and the allure of the unattainable heightens the attraction (well no, it actually demonstrates the opposite in my my eyes).

She has a good job earning well so I feel its not money but something else which I will never understand.....

OP posts:
Riapia · 08/09/2023 05:54

Hes balding, over weight big belly, he's not good looking truly.
She wants him for the same reason that you’re still with him.

Masterofhappydays · 08/09/2023 06:49

I think sometimes too there’s a competitive element. Being chosen by the man over another woman. Winner.

Or was he a boss to her? Sometimes a power thing.

Daddy issues. Low self esteem.

Either way, you are most certainly better off without him and he’ll very likely come to regret his decision in a few years time. Cliche and tale as old as time. They never learn. All the best OP.

Worldgonecrazy · 08/09/2023 06:54

TBH, it sounds like his behaviour has triggered the ick. You are far better off without this sick-dipping waste of time. My bet is that this is not the first time he has done this. Let him go, and build a life for you. In 5 years time you will be joining all those amazing women I see who have learned to put themselves first after a lifetime of putting others first.

Whattodo112222 · 08/09/2023 06:55

Money

Loubelle70 · 08/09/2023 06:55

Does she know hes married etc? If yes...
Its sad, wheres the sisterhood gone?!. Hes not exempt , he knew he was married. A 31 year old usually wont stay with a balding overweight married man with kids, there will be another young guy who will turn her head when she realises. Let him go. Dont take him back.

DoggoMcDogface · 08/09/2023 07:21

I know a man who did the same a few years ago. He was pushing 50, with 16 and 17 year old children. He fucked off with a woman he knew from work who was 30 ish. I think the appeal to her was money and lifestyle. She was pregnant with a year and he’s now got a toddler and a baby and is apparently not enjoying life so much. Bless him. 😅 He did try to say it was all a mistake and try to crawl back to his wife after a few months but she was having none of it.

His now ex wife is thriving although obviously initially was very hurt and shocked. His older kids hardly speak to him, they lost all respect for their father.

Sorry you’re going through it and I hope you are ok.

wildwestpioneer · 08/09/2023 07:22

When my dh got to director level in the company he worked for, his boss took him out for lunch, during that lunch his boss had a very frank conversation with him about his position and what unseen issues it might hold.

One of them was about the younger women who worked in the company. He told him that now he was at a certain level he could expect a certain amount of interest from some women in the organisation, he went to great lengths to tell him that the women weren't interested in 'him' but what he could do for them.

I was shocked at first and had a bit of a rant about how sexist it was, but unfortunately he was right, and my dh has to maintain a very strict policy of never getting even slightly personal with some women as they were quite clearly expressing interest in him. It was actually quite insulting as they didn't give him a second glance when he was a lowly manager.

So to answer your question op, it's either power, finances or both that seem to be attractive, not the balding bear belly and experience

Enko · 08/09/2023 07:26

Personally I don't go for sporty types. I prefer men who are larger. I'm not taking obese but I like a man with broad shoulders and I don't care if there is a bit of a pot belly.

I also am highly sapiosexual (Sapiosexuality means that a person is sexually attracted to highly intelligent people, so much so that they consider it to be the most important trait in a partner. )

Could be some of that. We are not all cut from the same cloth and don't all find the same things attractive.

I wont go into the ethics of an affair as that is less to do with attraction and more to do with morals/ethics.

Just simply because he is no longer slim and sporty doesn't mean others won't find him attractive.

BounceyB · 08/09/2023 07:30

wildwestpioneer · 08/09/2023 07:22

When my dh got to director level in the company he worked for, his boss took him out for lunch, during that lunch his boss had a very frank conversation with him about his position and what unseen issues it might hold.

One of them was about the younger women who worked in the company. He told him that now he was at a certain level he could expect a certain amount of interest from some women in the organisation, he went to great lengths to tell him that the women weren't interested in 'him' but what he could do for them.

I was shocked at first and had a bit of a rant about how sexist it was, but unfortunately he was right, and my dh has to maintain a very strict policy of never getting even slightly personal with some women as they were quite clearly expressing interest in him. It was actually quite insulting as they didn't give him a second glance when he was a lowly manager.

So to answer your question op, it's either power, finances or both that seem to be attractive, not the balding bear belly and experience

Sounds like your DH has a good boss there

ZebraD · 08/09/2023 07:30

Maybe they just get on well?! They maybe clicked and it just went from their. Either way, it won’t last and I bet he comes crawling back!

ZekeZeke · 08/09/2023 07:32

Do you work? Have your own money/income?
As you are not married do you have a joint account? Mortgage?
I hope you are not financially vulnerable as you are not married re his pension etc

lincolngirl1097 · 08/09/2023 07:43

So sorry OP. I hope you're okay

Masterofhappydays · 08/09/2023 08:10

Enko · 08/09/2023 07:26

Personally I don't go for sporty types. I prefer men who are larger. I'm not taking obese but I like a man with broad shoulders and I don't care if there is a bit of a pot belly.

I also am highly sapiosexual (Sapiosexuality means that a person is sexually attracted to highly intelligent people, so much so that they consider it to be the most important trait in a partner. )

Could be some of that. We are not all cut from the same cloth and don't all find the same things attractive.

I wont go into the ethics of an affair as that is less to do with attraction and more to do with morals/ethics.

Just simply because he is no longer slim and sporty doesn't mean others won't find him attractive.

I found out just now I am sapiosexual! Thanks!

Bowbobobo · 08/09/2023 08:49

I’m not sure (don’t care) if my XH’s relationship started while we were still married but she is quite a lot younger than him (he’s 62 now). She’s a nice woman but very anxious and lacking in confidence. I think his greater age made/makes her feel safe and looked after. Maybe it’s something like that?

Original poster
CookieDoughKid · 08/09/2023 10:09

@lincolngirl1097 Thank you. Honestly I know I will be fine. The rejection hurts though.

OP posts:
PaintedEgg · 08/09/2023 10:17

there are many reasons why people get attracted to each other, but science tells us that in most cases attraction is based on some degree of similarity, unless there is an obvious secondary gain (and then its not attraction, but calculation)

so now a woman who likes married men won a prize in a form on an aging cheater...couldn't have happened to nicer people!

AtalantaX · 08/09/2023 10:21

My DP, of many years, is 24 years older than me. Some people would have said he looks like an old man, white hair, wrinkles etc, but I saw his strong outdoorsy physique and his gentle eyes. He understood me too, very deeply. We had chemistry from the very first day we met - I found him highly attractive and still do all these years later…he’s also the most caring and decent man I’ve met for a long time. Sometimes, people are just right for each other.

Original poster
CookieDoughKid · 08/09/2023 12:39

@AtalantaX thank you for your perspective. Did the man you fall for also had a family? I'm sure what you say are attractive qualities but would a man who had those qualities, understood you deeply AND had a family...would he have been still attractive?

OP posts:
Original poster
CookieDoughKid · 08/09/2023 12:40

@AtalantaX I'm not saying you personally would though by virtue of these attractive qualities that you originally stated.

OP posts:
Original poster
CookieDoughKid · 08/09/2023 12:41

@ZekeZeke Yes I work..financially independent....

OP posts:
5128gap · 08/09/2023 15:17

Its actually not a classic. It's as rare as hens teeth if the woman's attractive and the man isn't wealthy.
My best guess is that she has issues of some sort that make it difficult for her to attract and/or retain a more typical relationship. She may be deeply insecure and think he's the best she can get. She may have been in an awful or abusive relationship that damaged her, and she sees him as kind and safe. She may have a challenging personality and struggled to retain suitable partners. She may think he's wealthier than he is. She may be in financial circumstances thst mean his limited wealth is better than nothing. He may have worked extremely hard to present himself as Mr Perfect to win her over and the mask hasn't slipped yet.
Whatever it is, being stuck with a middle aged man when you're 30 is hardly living your best life. At least you had the best of him.

PaintedEgg · 08/09/2023 16:26

@CookieDoughKid they may be just a good match. We already know their moral compasses are pretty well aligned...

There was a thread here some time ago about a guy getting together with a woman who really wasn't that appealing, but he was really into her (similar scenario, he cheated on his wife and left her for the OW). Some people just get on well together and not just because of positive qualities