What's the appeal

[CookieDoughKid]

My 48 old dh (I say dh but we aren't actually married) is leaving me for a 31 yo woman finally he came clean with the affair. I'm 47. We have two teens. He is C level at a company, doing well. She worked at his last company . Classic. Hes balding, over weight big belly, he's not good looking truly. When dh got together we were both in our late twenties. We met when we were young and he was athletic at the time.

She is young, attractive, no kids. When I was her age I wouldn't even DREAM of cheating on a 'married' man with two teens let alone someone who is almost 50. Is it financiallsecurity she's after? Whats the deal? She's got a decent job. I don't get the appeal. Please can someone explain.

Thanks both..my dh is pretty wealthy @5128gap. I'm trying to be as forgiving as possible......

Wow, it’s no wonder he’s looked elsewhere for validation and an ego boost if that’s the way you see him. You can’t see why anyone would possibly be attracted to him? What a disdainful way to talk about your spouse. I know infidelity is shit, but honestly have a look at your attitude towards him if you want to know why his head has been turned. Not everyone is looking for an Adonis, maybe she sees his good qualities and his personality, maybe she likes a chubby bear of a man instead of a bodybuilder, plenty of us do. Obviously the fact that he’s married should be off putting to decent women, but when he says “my wife doesn’t understand me” he’s right.

BPE - sorry but I just don't agree with your post.

Blaming victims to justify infidelity is 100% wrong and is an outdated view.

People don't have to cheat. It is their choice and it is all about their own selfishness and entitlement. You make a huge commitment when you get married and you have to take the rough with the smooth - for better or for worse.

If it's not going well you work on it together or you get out, not cheat.

Cheaters are cake and eat it merchants and I suspect the fact he is quite wealthy means he has far more to lose than his DW.

Divorce him OP and find an honest man with integrity.

I'm glad you are financially independent OP. That's the main thing. Living well is the best revenge as they say!

I hope your DC are ok and your ex manages to put them before his penis and co-parent effectively with you.

Single women can't win, we are told we are picky if we have a set bar and that we should lower our standards and give Joe average a go as he may grow on us, then we get "he's balding and fat why is she with him".

The affair is another thing entirely.

Its actually not a classic. It's as rare as hens teeth if the woman's attractive and the man isn't wealthy.
My best guess is that she has issues of some sort that make it difficult for her to attract and/or retain a more typical relationship. She may be deeply insecure and think he's the best she can get. She may have been in an awful or abusive relationship that damaged her, and she sees him as kind and safe. She may have a challenging personality and struggled to retain suitable partners. She may think he's wealthier than he is. She may be in financial circumstances thst mean his limited wealth is better than nothing.

As always 5128 is insightful. These are definitely some of the possibles.

There is also a huge amount of pressure on people, especially women, to settle when they pass 30. Lots of people who got into relationships younger will be getting engaged, married and starting families. 30 is seen as a benchmark/klaxon sound by many people that they should be being a "real" adult and settling. They should at the very least have a partner.

People can become, shall we say, highly highly motivated to grab a partner and whoever will have them, will do. I know women and men who've done this.

my dh is pretty wealthy

Well, it's probably that too.

She wants a good lifestyle for herself and her potential kids ... And she can't get better in a single man. And her biological clock is ticking.

Lots of women getting involved with attached men, particularly married men, underestimate how much he'll lose in the divorce settlement however. And how much of the wealth is provided by his wife in the form of earnings, investment, family money etc.

You said you're not married. So he hasn't exactly demonstrated commitment or security....

This is a truly obtuse comment.

Ops still with him because they were together for years, were partners, have a household and family together etc.
She didn't get together with him as he is now...as his ow has done.

Sorry I missed that ops not married (?)

In that case ow thinks pretty much all his money is up for grabs, not 50% of it. And not much longer to pay CM either.

@BigPussyEnergy granted you have a point. Not trying to defend myself. The qualities I love my dh were inherently the fact he was loyal, faithful, good with children, good with things around the house, practical, funny, make you feel like the centre of the universe, I do look past his exterior. And I’m not being egoistic when I say, I am above his station in looks and youthfulness. I am skin deep and loved him for all his faults and difficult character traits for which he has many (alcoholic , self centred, adhd, paracetamol addict, self destructive volatile manic depressive, erectile dysfunction (viagra helps) and an intense workaholic, spends money like water, severe hate of authority (never pays parking tickets)…as a result of his adhd ….I know this sounds bad but I’m an eternal optimist) …. For all the good and not so good, I still loved him. All the good and not so good qualities they show their true self over time. Tbh we are really incompatible, I’m steady, calm, always on time, always been financially secure, always worked when he struggled for employment , always there at drop of a hat.

I struggle to reconcile that a young woman of her age is willingly wanting to take on a man with two teens and and his qualities when herself is not invested. I was invested, I had two children with him and I was his first real love….but perhaps she is off kilter and they are so alike it will be fine for them?

@GilbertMarkham spot on. Not saying be balding is not attractive not at all but his new squeeze and dh on paper feel at odds (to me). I suppose in my case opposites attract. In the mistress case, power, money, one upmanship, security……

In many cases it's because both parties are willing to fool themselves.

He's flattered a younger woman wants him, that his personality and good looks brought him this prize and for her, her ability to push aside reality and believe love has no age barrier and this man is her soulmate, to push aside his diminishing looks for the pursuit of love.

Reality will dawn one day, you on the otherhand can envisage the problems this type of union can bring, I should imagine when reality bites it's going to be fairly embarrasing for both.

I hope you are financially ok, do you reckon she's a gold digger ?

He doesn't have to be mega rich but if he's willing to wine and dine her, splash out on expensive hotels, to younger woman that is impressive, she's probably lacking self esteem and believes his treatment is love, rather than the reality of an old cheating creep. Wouldn't it be karma if she takes whatever she can before dumping him for someone younger and handsome.

@RandomForest I'm financially OK thank you for asking. Im In my late 40s , great job, pension built over 20 years and I will buy dh out of his share in our house so grateful I don't have to move and have that continuity for the children. You always think it happens to other people but never to you.

You know, I used to fall for the Consultants I worked with all the time - and the one I really had the biggest crush on was vastly overweight, well over 50, and kind of reminded me a bit of Cracker. I was 26 and stunning, in a goth way, if I say so myself.

But he was so clever and funny and knowledgeable - my goodness I fancied the arse off him! He was not married of course, and the ones that were, I would never have got involved with, they were just a nice distraction in the working day.

I also once had a relationhsip with someone basically because he had seen The Doors at the Isle of Wight festival, and had Tales of the 60s/70s to tell in abundance.

These will be the reasons she has fallen for him. Intelligence and life experience is attractive when you are young.

A shared history, existing children and decades of love?

I think the point is many women would ignore Chris Hemsworth being married of they had a chance cos he's bloody gorgeous.so the looks at least would put balance the marriage. But when he's married AND unattractive it's harder to see the appeal. Personality alone is less likely to override the marriage not cos his personality includes being a liar and a cheat.

If you're single, and he looks like ops DH, his personality is likely to be better.

@CookieDoughKid Don’t underestimate the attractiveness of power to some women. Years back, the company I worked for was run by a man who was about 55, overweight, unattractive but most importantly he wasn’t a very nice man either. Yet, he left his wife and young child for a 25 year old he had been having an affair with at work. She was actually a nice girl and attractive, I could never understand it at the time. It was all about his status and the power he had though. I also know of someone else who has loads of blokes fancy her but she only goes for men high up within the company she works for. She could probably get anyone she wanted but she only seems to go for old, unattractive men because of their status. Try and remember that some of the reasons why you loved this man no longer exist. He isn’t loyal or trustworthy. Try not to dwell on why this woman has gone for him. You don’t know what he was telling her about his home life or about you. He will probably regret his decision as the grass is rarely greener on the other side. He will miss a lot about his old life. And I am sure she will be having insecurities about you too, after all you were together a long time and share kids and a great deal of history. This is why no one’s really a winner with affairs. On the surface it may seem like they’ve swanned off happily together but underneath there will be unhappiness in both of them. Ultimately though it’s him who has betrayed your trust. It won’t feel like it now but it will get easier. Just take one day at a time.

This is common in the workplace with a younger woman and older senior man.

I have seen many affairs amongst headteachers and deputies with young female staff. Must be the allure of status, knowledge and experience. Probably not the pay!

Also when you work with someone you can become very close and you have a different relationship with a colleague than you do with a spouse. I used to think my exh didn’t know me half as well as my colleagues sometimes.

@SleepingStandingUp I bloody fancy the pants of Hemsworth. If offered it on a plate to me I know I would say no cos he's married. But one can sure dream 😂

Thank you all for your replies. I've read every one of them. Very grateful and i feel like ive learnt something in all your posts. I am still in shock inevitably as dh only told me hes leaving this week and moving in with her but i know i will be ok.

Whatever the reason, I do wish people would stop attributing low self esteem to OWs. There’s nothing low self esteem about being the reason why another woman is being lied to and cheated on and I don’t think any OW should be given that get out. No-one ever suggests that OMs have low self esteem. In fact, based on the posts we see on here from OWs, they often regard themselves as being special in ways that the wives aren’t. Hence their willingness to believe the crap their married lovers spout.

I do think that he has probably capitalised on the fact that you aren't legally married, and made it sound like you weren't in a particularly committed relationship. The OW probably thinks that she isn't with a married man so it isn't so bad, and knows that teens will be off his hands at university before too long. Who knows what she sees in him, but men can put on a very charming act for a short period of time.

I'm glad you are at least fine financially OP, and hope you are bearing up ok.

At some point we were together my now Exh was balding and had a belly (he lost weight for a while). He's now again all that.

However I did and do think now that he's so charming (more so in a non demonstrative way), twinkly eyed; really sound and with a great sense of humour.
We had met at work ourselves where I got to know a lot of that originally (we were both single, and the same age).

I would not be surprised if a woman in her 30s that works close to him (he's also C suite) saw and liked those same things.