Everyone’s worst nightmare?

[Superlambaanana]

“I wonder if the sad I’d be without you, would he less than the sad I get from being with you.”

I had to make a choice a couple of months ago and opted for the sad of being without my now ex-boyfriend. We were together for 10 years but he was an immature, controlling narcissist. And yes, I should have known better/ ended it far earlier etc, but a) it wasn’t all bad and b) the alternative, which I’m now living, always looked pretty bleak.

I am 45 years old. I live alone. I have no children (can’t have them). I have one sibling, a brother who lives 150 miles away with his wife and children. Our parents both died a few years ago.

I have a couple of friends, though they have families of their own so I don’t see them very often.

After work, I walk my dog, eat alone and watch tv for a while before going to bed.

I volunteer with a charity and was driving home from it quite late last night when it occurred to me that if my car broke down I literally would have no one I could phone for help. I’d just have to walk home and call a recovery service in the morning.

I have people in my life - work colleagues, neighbours, friends, extended family. But they’re all just acquaintances really. I have no one I can talk to about day to day stuff or who cares about me or how my day was. I’ve no one to make plans with, or go on holiday with or even to go out with for a day trip.

I am lonely obviously, but not bored. I can find plenty to do in my spare time. And I don’t want another relationship right night now. I need time to recover from the last one.

I realise the replies here might be brutal. I wouldn’t have ever thought about posting in Mumsnet as a childless person, except I read an article the other day by someone who said there are lots of childless people on here. And I suppose I want to know what people think about my situation. I’m looking for advice on how I should deal with my situation. And I haven’t got anyone else to ask.

I think your situation is temporary :)

You've said you don't want another relationship for now and that's perfectly normal. Just like feeling lonely is normal.

there is this narrative that people who feel lonely are somehow incapable of filling in their time, but you already know it's not true....and loneliness sucks for people who are not loners by nature.

but i dont think you'll be lonely forever :)

What do you want from your life? How do you envisage a happy future? Would you ever consider moving to a new area and doing a life "reset"?

45 is a lovely age and you have a lot of future ahead of you and a lot of choices.

Thanks PaintedEgg for replying. Is it not possible to live like this permanently? Are we pre programmed to need a man? Obviously I’m not feeling very well disposed towards men at the minute and that probably will change. But if it doesn’t - or no one else wants me! - am I doomed?

No idea what I want from my life or what a happy future looks like. I’m finding it hard to work out without feeling anything outside the ‘norm’ must equate to being unhappy.

You need to work on getting friendships (maybe from volunteering) and then if you break down (or similar) those people are your support group.
I moved area to be with my partner and I cried every day for a year as I felt so lonely. I did a lot of volunteering, put myself out to help the community and I've had help back in spades. Yes, I've had to sometimes be there doing stuff I don't want to do / but that's the building blocks of true friendships.
I now know nearly everyone in the village and I know at least 20 people who could come help me if I really needed it.
Yes, I have a partner, but what if we were together when we broke down(?) you still need a friend ... and yes, I know it's not just the breaking down bits that are hard.
You can do this. You don't need a man.

You do not need a man in your life to be a fully functioning contented adult.
Do you think you are now 'alone' due to the restrictions of your relationship. Were you isolated by him?
After 10 years of being with one person, give yourself time to draw breath. Reflect on what you want out of life, are you happy in your job, your home, your area? Do you want to make changes to any of them? Are there new interests you might like to develop.. is there something you always fancied trying, but never quite got around to?
Allow yourself time to settle... flying solo after a long relationship is a big deal.. even if the relationship wasnt perfect.
Take your time. Breathe.

Are there local groups that you could join, just to get yourself out of the house and meet new people?

Craft groups
Running / walking / etc
Plant swaps
Etc

It’s fine to feel those feelings. Don’t bat them away. It sounds like you made an intelligent decision to end a relationship, but that was your reality for a long time, and of course you will also be grieving things, even if it was the right call.

However, I don’t get the assumption that everyone else in the world is unavailable to you because they are married with children. Are you assuming that everyone gets their validation/company from spouses/children/siblings? Not so. I’m married with a child and I’m absolutely there for my friends, regardless of whether they’re married/single and/or childless or childfree. And they for me. I need people other than DH. I go away/ go climbing with friends quite often, and I’m planning a long-distance walk with a longterm single, childfree friend next year. This weekend I’m seeing a different (also single, childfree) friend I’ve only recently reconnected with for lunch, going to the theatre with another, going walking with a divorced and single friend, and then having dinner with DH. (One of those weekends where too much is happening together because of coincidences and a festival…)

I think you should use the freedom you have now to reconnect with old friends, regardless of their marital/parental status, and make new ones. Best wishes.

Only you know whether or not it was the correct move for you, from the outside the very fact you even thought about it means that it was.
You say you need time to recover and you are not bored so this looks like an ideal time to single proof how you live. Some suggestions of how this might look.
First, join the AA! That’s one problem solved, especially if you are driving alone at night.
Second keep a diary, put anything/ everything that you want. You’ve been with a narcissist for years- this is about you now so be as opinionated as you like. Write down your day and be your own sounding board.
Third, look for groups you might like to join up with. Monthly dog walks in local beauty spots? What ever you want to do that will add to your life. If nothing, enjoy doing nothing.
Fourth. Put things in your home that you love.
Fifth. Greet each day in full armour. Only you know what it is, it might be full face make up and high heels or your favourite socks. You are doing it for you to take on the world.
I have learnt a huge life lesson over the past few months. We’ve had a tough few years and our family face more loss but those closest to it are teaching us to find a moment of joy each day, no matter how awful things may be.
Our circumstances are not the same but so many congratulations on finding the strength to leave and I wish you a moment of joy each day.

Would you consider moving closer to your family? Do you have a good relationship with them?

I feel you definitely made the right choice in your relationship. I'm sorry you're feeling lonely.

There's a childfree Mumsnet section. There's plenty of support on those threads for people in similar situations.

Agree with PP about potentially moving somewhere closer to family if that could help.

You made the right decision getting rid of your ex. You've made space for better things to come into your life.

I understand about feeling lonely, but I am guessing at least part of it is due to having a gap where your toxic boyfriend used to be.

You sound as though you have a few things going on, take some time to enjoy your own company without someone else controlling the way you spend your time. I think you can and will find joy in life again.

My top tips:

freedom programme
counselling or therapy if that seems right for you
cuddle the dog
make a list of things you've always wanted to do but couldn't because of boyfriend/other stuff - and aim to do one or two of them.

Wishing you the very best X

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/childfree-mumsnetters

There's where the childfree section is I mentioned. 🙂

I get where you are coming from. I moved in with my partner a few months ago, albeit for only 8 months but I am lonely. I am in an area an hour away from friends and know no one. He is not making an effort to merge me into his life. He says having separate social lives is healthy, but he out loads. Maybe I didn’t see it before as we only saw each other a few times a week. I feel lonely and thinking would I be happier without him? Or less miserable

I could ask him for help, but I am at the stage of not caring as I feel abandoned. Brought here and left. I have friends, but they are an hour away. All have young kids and by time I finish work it’s kids bedtime. Weekends they use as their family time, so again it’s preplanned.

what I am doing is joining meet up groups and looking at hobbies to get out.

I loved living alone with my dog and eating dinner on my own in front of the TV. I was single for years before I met my now partner.

My sister and people I would consider very good friends that I would rely on if they loved closer live in the far east or the States as do my siblings.

I didn't have many people around me and honestly I didn't mind.

I think firstly you have to change your mindset. This is your independence and the freedom you longed for in the unhappy relationship.

These are the things I suggest:

Join the AA or RAC so if you break down - that is who you call.

Go to places for the day with your dog and have lunch in a dog friendly pub etc. This was absolutely my favourite thing to do and I miss it immensely as I'm so busy now and don't have time.

These will be the first steps. You'll get there OP. It will be fine.

I have felt in a similar place OP, but it was a temporary state.

I agree you don’t need a partner/relationship to feel fulfilled, but maybe a close friendship (platonic) is what you feel is missing at the moment?

I'm sorry you are feeling lonely OP. Don't be hard on your self, you have just come out of a long term, difficult (abusive?) relationship. You need time to heal, to refocus and to think about what you want long term. You've made the right decision. Give yourself time to adjust.

It sounds like you have a very active life but want companionship. In the short term, are there any existing friendships that you would like to develop further? Perhaps invite a few people from your volunteering group for lunch/dinner/a drink afterwards? Any other dog owners? A dog walk with a stop off for a drink in a nice pub is a great way to get to know someone.

You've spent 10 years being controlled - don't underestimate the impact that will have had on your friendships. You sound lovely and I'm sure there are lots of people on your 'aquaintance-zone' who would love to get to know you better.

Longer term, you don't need a relationship if you don't want one. The world is your oyster!

I agree with this. I don't get a sense from your post of what it is you want from your life or what you feel is missing. Maybe you don't know yourself and that's fine. The only thing that appears off-limits now (and admittedly it's a big one) is having a child of your own. Do you want to be closer to your brother and his family, in which case they might welcome your time and help? Or is it building connections with other adults (not necessarily romantic, could be just friendships) which would help right now? You've been in a difficult situation for a long time, so it's probably going to take a while to work out what you want your life to look like.

i think it is possible - if it feels right. I dont think there is a right or wrong way of approaching relationships. Some people are genuinely happy being single and never feel lonely. Others feel lonely even when in a relationship if that relationship doesn't fulfil their need for intimacy

The main point is to no force anything and to proceed with things only if these feel right. You seem to have pretty good insight in that you know what you need now and what you may need in the future - but if you genuinely could use some companionship now, it may be worth exploring some options you didn't before. Signing up for things, seeking out interests groups etc. You have time for it now and it may be fun, and if it turns out to be shit - then you'll have a story to tell once you do meet someone new :)

@Superlambaanana I am much in the same boat as you.

I am 10 years single and no children. I can't see myself in a relationship again. But it does mean I'm alone. I don't have a family of my own or parents/siblings.

I'm currently waiting to go into surgery wondering how I'll get them to discharge me afterwards because I have no one to 'look after me'.

I've learned how to do most things alone and become comfortable. But sometimes I just wish I had a person. To bring me home from hospital, pick me up when the car breaks down or just hold my hand when life feels a bit too much. But I also wish sometimes to be needed or wanted for such things.

I don't know the solution. Just to let you know you're not alone in being alone.

I was single for a good 10 years from 35-45 & definitely relied on my friendship group for support, I think that's what you need to build on!

Just waiting for the next relationship to come along is a recipe for disaster I think!

Wow, thank you all so much for the thoughtful replies. I can see why MN is such a force. I’ll consider all your points in a bit more detail when I finish work. There are great suggestions here and I am delighted to hear others have lived solo and not only survived it but also enjoyed it. I’m sorry to hear others are struggling though. Life never seems to be bloody easy!

Firstly, well done on leaving such a toxic relationship.
As PPs have said, there is now a Childfree Mumsnetters section, which is definitely worth posting in.
In my local area, there are so many groups that you can join that seem to spend a lot of time together (a lot of them can be found on Facebook pages and groups). Off the top of my head, In my local area I can think of a gardening group, wild swimming, eating out, finding girl pals, childfree meet-ups, crafting, yoga, weekly walking, pottery… loads more than appear to have fun weekly/monthly gatherings. You can start by just chatting online and see what takes your fancy.

Best of luck, OP.

If you're new to Mumsnet, enjoy. There are some wonderful people here. Just my 2 cents, avoid posting in AIBU (if you want to), people can be unkind there. But, for the most part, Mumsnet is fab.

X

I'd rather have friends than a man. One thing I found wonderful after splitting with my ex was trying new things and making new friends and learning how adult friendships differ from those at school/university. For example my "gym friends" might go for a coffee with after class but not text each other during the week. But i really appreciate having a number of these acquaintances in my late 30s and its brought a lovely richness to my life.

There are soooo many options of hobbies out there for women, you are time rich and have nothing to lose. You may well find something you absolutely love bit if you dont I'm sure you'll meet some interesting people and experience less loneliness.