Everyone’s worst nightmare?

[Superlambaanana]

“I wonder if the sad I’d be without you, would he less than the sad I get from being with you.”

I had to make a choice a couple of months ago and opted for the sad of being without my now ex-boyfriend. We were together for 10 years but he was an immature, controlling narcissist. And yes, I should have known better/ ended it far earlier etc, but a) it wasn’t all bad and b) the alternative, which I’m now living, always looked pretty bleak.

I am 45 years old. I live alone. I have no children (can’t have them). I have one sibling, a brother who lives 150 miles away with his wife and children. Our parents both died a few years ago.

I have a couple of friends, though they have families of their own so I don’t see them very often.

After work, I walk my dog, eat alone and watch tv for a while before going to bed.

I volunteer with a charity and was driving home from it quite late last night when it occurred to me that if my car broke down I literally would have no one I could phone for help. I’d just have to walk home and call a recovery service in the morning.

I have people in my life - work colleagues, neighbours, friends, extended family. But they’re all just acquaintances really. I have no one I can talk to about day to day stuff or who cares about me or how my day was. I’ve no one to make plans with, or go on holiday with or even to go out with for a day trip.

I am lonely obviously, but not bored. I can find plenty to do in my spare time. And I don’t want another relationship right night now. I need time to recover from the last one.

I realise the replies here might be brutal. I wouldn’t have ever thought about posting in Mumsnet as a childless person, except I read an article the other day by someone who said there are lots of childless people on here. And I suppose I want to know what people think about my situation. I’m looking for advice on how I should deal with my situation. And I haven’t got anyone else to ask.

Well done on leaving an unhealthy & toxic relationship.

I have 1 child(7, so couldn’t help if I broke down🤣) so not completely alone but I have zero family. No siblings. 2 cousins but they live other side of the country.

I’m single too (for 2 years) after ending a 10 year relationship - I’m not looking for a relationship but if a good one came along, I’d consider it. I won’t just get in any relationship though. I have some great friends & neighbours.

My advice is strengthen & make new friendships. Don’t rush but be brave & get out there. Exercise classes, hobbies, volunteering etc.

I have met so many lovely people dog walking too!

You will be fine, it takes time adjusting.

Thank you for your reply @Professionalmess. I would pick you up if you lived near me. A network for people in our situation would be good. Not a dating site. Just a help network for single people!

I don’t think it’s everyone’s worse nightmare

does sound 100% like you need a post relationship rebuild , emotional , life etc

and that doesn’t happen overnight - no shit ! but it can and does happen x

Ime peace of mind comes with not being in the wrong relationship.. I have dc and a history of bad relationship and with those came bad times and bad memories.. I would suspect your mh is so much better mine. Quite an enviable thing to have decent mh.

Thank you all again for your replies. I’m not very familiar with the etiquette here - it doesn’t seem to be the norm to reply to each response to individually thank each of you. But I am grateful to you all for talking the time.

Posting this today must have manifested the b#%$d because he rang me tonight to make arrangements to exchange some stuff that we still have of each others. A civil conversation thank goodness but he made a point of being very upbeat and saying how great his life is going at the moment 🤮.

Bizarrely it worked and he was still able to hurt me by making it clear he doesn’t care about me anymore. I’m completely over him but still feel a fool for putting up with so much for so long and doing so much for him in return for being treated like dirt. I wont bore you with the stories of how badly he treated me, but there are some doozies.

Perhaps I have a bit of Stockholm Syndrome! Any advice on how to get over that? Shagging a few randomers seems like an idea but I’m really a bit terrified of falling into another relationship. The ex seemed soooo fantastic and nice - at the start - until it became clear that I was trapped in a nightmare. Maybe I’ll deliberately break something of his tomorrow before he comes to collect his stuff. That might feel good 😈

A breakup can be a good opportunity to rethink your life, partly as you don't have to spend your time thinking about a partner. You can use the extra time that has been freed up thinking about how to improve your life; and that's what you're doing now. Sadness isn't just something you should avoid. It's your body/subconscious making you want to improve your situation. It's useful. Avoiding sadness (by maintaining the status quo with an unpleasant partner, just for company) means you're ignoring what your body is telling you and your situation won't improve. Now you're acknowledging your sadness and thinking what to do, which is great.

Even if you had a partner, it would not be ideal to be relying on him entirely as a support system. You don't have close friends that you can do things with now, but that can change if you get out of your comfort zone and take some risks by asking those non-close acquaintances and friends if they want to do things with you. Some won't be interested; that's normal. But some will. And then they won't be non-close acquaintances any more.

Or you can reach out to strangers. When I broke up with my exh I answered an ad on a local website by someone looking for board game players. We'd meet up, sit in front of a board game and chat, eat and drink. Through one of the board game players I got into a theatre group. I took group dancing lessons, did singing courses, went to an international group meet, went hiking, joined a running group, and now I'm trying another theatre group. This is all over a period of 10 years now. Some of the activities were rubbish and/or the people were not friendly, but mostly I had fun and met nice people. I'm a naturally standoffish person, but even I have picked up a few friends along the way. If you want more friends, you can find them.

he made a point of being very upbeat and saying how great his life is going at the moment
Let's pretend for a moment that he's being honest. If he really can forget a partner of 10 years overnight, then he doesn't have much emotional depth, does he? You're moved by big events in your life and you feel happy and sad like a normal person.

Normal people need a while to recover. Maybe give it a while :)

Well I think you were very brave to end the relationship , OP. It can be very difficult. I know myself.

Have you considered the possibility that everything might turn out okay? I think time will shift your perspective from bleakness to the fact that your whole life is now wide open with possibilities. I hope so anyway. Its hard to live authentically when you are with a narcissist. It won't all be glorious now, but it will get brighter.

Wishing you all the best with it xoxox

Have you considered that perhaps there are 'barriers' in forming closer relationships with your family, friends, and coworkers because HE created those barriers? Either by alienating you from them or by demanding your undivided attention on him and letting you know 'in his special ways' that he was 'not happy' if your attention wasn't focussed on him 100%? That can be a narc's main pleasure in life. Creating a situation in which they must be catered to whilst also engendering feelings of inadequacy in their victim? It can leave you with lingering feelings of 'unworthiness' of love and friendship long after the narc is gone.

Give it a think then look around you. Do you feel there is anyone already in your 'sphere' which whom you might create a closer friendship? A coworker perhaps or someone you consider to be 'just' a friend (rather than a close confidante-type friend)? They don't even need to live especially near you. My nearest and dearest friend who is closer to me than a sister lives over 400 miles away from me. But that doesn't stop us from talking (for hours) on the phone, texting, and visiting each other.

As far as are we 'programmed' to couple-up? Yes, in our society we still are. Is it a 'biological/sociological imperative'? No, and I think society is beginning to realize that and value and accept singletons just as much as couples. I do think society already accepts those who are divorced, widowed, or left long term relationships and decided that 'couple-dom' is not for them. But I think we're also on the road of understanding that many people live complete and happy lives without ever having married, lived with someone, or had a long term relationship.

But give yourself time. You're only a couple of months out. It may not feel like it, but you're still finding your sea legs. At this point try to relish the peace and calm of no longer living with a narc. I know that you have 'headspace' as well as time to fill, but give yourself time to do that. After I kicked my abusive ex out I actually relished the time in my empty house. The times of silence and peace. Even the times of boredom. Eventually I felt the need to leave the cocoon. I won't say I emerged a beautiful butterfly, but perhaps a rather nice looking moth!

@Bonbon21 and @AcrossthePond55 are right that the relationship was all about him having his needs met and that meant me and my personal relationships were secondary. I’ve already seen and spoken to my friends more in the last couple of months than in the whole of the last couple of years.

He didn’t lock me up, beat me or go through my phone. It was more subtle than that. He made the plans and that was that. He sulked if I deviated from what he wanted, or even if I didn’t immediately agree. He could be very nasty and would shout, and there was name calling.

He told me he’d “been sold a pup” when I lost my parents (in quick succession) because he didn’t want a girlfriend who wasn’t fun and kept complaining that I couldn’t “just get over it”. That was very damaging and I feel I actually need to take time now to properly grieve. He was also hell bent on getting me to give up my volunteering role because he felt I “cared more about it than him”. I’m proud I didn’t give in to that but it caused so much heartache over the years.

We had pretty much zero physical contact for the last year or two. Any contact was initiated by me - I would try to hug him and he would quickly slink away. He obviously had no feelings for me but I think men will only ever end a relationship if they have somewhere to go. When they don’t, they’ll stay, tell you they love you but treat you like dirt rather than have the guts to end it. @Urgsleepmoresleep - I hope this isn’t the same for you.

Thank you to those who have said ‘good on you for being brave and getting out’ - it’s encouraging to hear that as I’m feeling a bit foolish for letting myself get stuck in such a toxic situation for so long.

I don’t want to overdramatise because it wasn’t full on abusive or coercive control, but I will take time to relish the change of no longer having a narcissist in my life. I definitely do deserve a period of healing.

The messages from @Helpmepleaseimbusy and others who have experience of enjoying a solitary phase in life are very helpful. I need to hear that I’m not alone in being alone, and don’t need to be ashamed or automatically miserable because of it. Thank you.

Any tips for how to avoid narcissists in the future would be very gratefully received!!

My ex was extremely charming, bordering on obsessed with me in the beginning. I remember having the sense that he might commit suicide if I left him when we first started out (a warning sign in hindsight) but he made me feel very loved and special to him.

He comes from a misogynistic household so I’ve read that can make men feel they have ‘earned’ an attractive partner and once they have ‘secured’ the partner, their work is over. Trouble is, once you’re ‘secured’, it’s damn hard to get out by that stage.

I don’t want to be alone forever, but before I even contemplate letting another man into my life I also want to be certain I have some tools to make sure I don’t make the same mistakes again.

Superlambaanana

sounds like you need to really cut him out !
phone call ! Fuck that
get him his stuff and ensure to delete and block on every channel
zero trace needed
and he’s lying he held onto you for so long for a reason

and rebuild
as a PP said there is every chance you will be happy again

Thank you! Yes I will try to enjoy this final closure and cutting him out! I am well fucking rid!

Hi OP

There are lots of positive threads on here about being single and living alone.

I'm in a similar position, apart from one elderly parent still alive. But no partner or children, live alone. Am perfectly happy this way. Am 8 years older than you.

I'm not clear what you mean by "deal with your situation"? I would think about what kind of future would you like?

How close are you to your brother? Do any of your friends live nearby (or near your brother)? If you’re not tied to your current workplace or location then I wonder if it would be nice to live nearer family or friends and spend a bit more time focussing on building those relationships and being happier with single life than looking for a new man. Sounds like you’ve had a rough time in your past relationship and would be good to have some time to heal from it. And a change of scene might help.

@Superlambaanana

I don’t want to overdramatise because it wasn’t full on abusive or coercive control

Actually, yes, it definitely was! CC doesn't have to be loud or directly spoken, vicious or cruel. But it IS abuse just the same. It can also be sly and insidious, based on subtle actions and quiet words. It can also be 'killing with kindness' where 'proper' behaviour is lavishly rewarded and 'improper' behaviour is met with simply 'withholding' affection or approval. But it's CC just the same, don't you doubt it for a moment! And the fact that you think it wasn't CC shows just how abused and controlled you were.

Any tips for how to avoid narcissists in the future would be very gratefully received!!

I think it's down to you. By that I mean that our susceptibility to narcs is ingrained within us. Either because we were raised by or had a close childhood relationship with one or the opposite, that our childhood relationships were very good and honest resulting in our simply not recognizing narcissism when we see it.

That was my situation. My parents marriage was two people with like minds who walked life's path perfectly, side by side. And I was pretty much surrounded by people who were honest and caring. As a result, as a child/teen I never learnt about conflict, I never learnt that people may not be what they seem. That made me a perfect victim for someone who ensnared with charm. And who made me feel that, since the people around me were so wonderful, it had to be ME. He used my own family and friends to convince me that I was simply 'wired wrong'.

You may want to consider counseling. After I entered a 'rebound' relationship with someone who I realized was treating me the same way (thank God it didn't last as long) I went to a counselor and said "I need to know why I pick such shit men and how do I stop?". It took about 18 months and a lot of hard and sometimes painful work, but I got there.

And yes, get his shit out and block him on every possible method of communications. Don't wait to work out 'a convenient time' for him to pick it up. And don't think you have to let him in to get it. Bag it up and tell him 'It will be on the porch tonight at 7pm, tomorrow morning it goes in the trash. I am blocking all communications with you after I send this message so there is no 'rescheduling'. He'll make it work I guarantee it.

Just one more thing....I don't know if it's been addressed, but is moving closer to your brother a possibility? I don't mean buying a house on his street, but perhaps just moving within an hour's drive or so? It might help develop a closer relationship or even if it doesn't result in visiting every other weekend, you may just feel better know that he 'he's only an hour away'. An hour's drive would also keep you within a hour's drive of your current activities and friends.

@AcrossthePond55 thanks again! Fascinating response. I'm sorry to hear you suffered at the hands of a narcissist too. They're bloody everywhere. You're right that my ex was toxic and controlling. I just don't want to suggest I suffered anything like the criminal level of abuse that appears to be increasingly common and absolutely horrendous for women up and down the country where controlling partners need to be prosecuted and in many cases handed long jail sentences.

My ex did have serious personality defects though which will probably cause more hurt in the future. I wouldn't be terribly surprised if he took up with someone less independent than me that the behaviour could tip into criminal levels of coercive control.

And I realise, especially now that I'm out, he did do me significant emotional damage. I had descended into overthinking, questioning my own sanity, losing confidence- all the hallmarks of CC for sure. But I am very resilient. I have a pretty grown up job and can handle myself and think my way through most situations with a level head. I'm too bloody resilient really because it means I can put up with lot more stress than the average person!

Your take on the impact of childhood experience is really interesting. I'll have to ponder that a bit more. I've done a bit of analysis of why my childhood made the way I am as I had a complicated relationship with my mother (textbook!), but it's definitely worth revisiting with the hindsight of that awful relationship.

Thank you again. Really appreciate it. Hope you have a lovely weekend, free of coercion and cu next Tuesdays!