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Original poster

Getting back together after separation

47 replies

Moosegooses · 07/09/2023 08:35

DH and I separated last year at his initiation - he said he wanted to end things, and said various things about why that I’m not sure I’ll ever get over. We’ve carried on living together (separate rooms) largely for financial reasons (& we have 3 DC) but now he’s had a change of heart and wants to get back together. He’s being really nice and part of me wants to but I just can’t get over what’s happened. I think a big part of me had come to terms with separating and now I can’t get my head around the alternative.

People ask what I want but I’m so torn - I had been hoping for this for a long time but now it’s here I can’t trust it somehow, it doesn’t feel real.

OP posts:
Original poster
Moosegooses · 07/09/2023 10:08

Hopeful bump

OP posts:
ThisWormHasTurned · 07/09/2023 10:12

What were his reasons for separating? You say he’s ‘being really nice’? I’m assuming that wasn’t always the case.
My worry is that you’ll struggle to trust him. How do you know he won’t do it again later? I’d think very carefully about this before committing again. (Mind you I’d run screaming in the other direction if my ex asked me to get back together 😂)

Topseyt123 · 07/09/2023 10:15

Why did he want to separate? Did he have another woman and has now been ditched?

I'm sorry you are facing this. It can't be easy as you'll never be sure of trusting him again.

Original poster
Moosegooses · 07/09/2023 10:31

Thank you both. Lack of trust is the issue I think. I just don’t seem to feel comfortable in the relationship anymore.

There wasn’t an affair but he said his feelings for me had changed, he thought we were incompatible, there was no physical intimacy (as he wasn’t attracted to me) and also no emotional connection even when I was going through hell and felt incredibly low. I think I’ve learned to feel anxious/cautious in his presence and that just isn’t going away… I’m wondering if it ever will?

OP posts:
ThisWormHasTurned · 07/09/2023 10:39

My Mum used to say ‘Without trust, there is no relationship’. I wonder why he’s suddenly had a change of heart? Honestly, it doesn’t sound like it’s a relationship you want to rekindle!

Original poster
Moosegooses · 07/09/2023 11:07

Thanks @ThisWormHasTurned, I’m not really sure about the change of heart, he says it’s just time. Nothing seems to have massively changed.

I guess I’m wondering if trust can be rebuilt but without a sense of what’s changed from before Im not sure if that can happen for me sadly.

OP posts:
Asyousayit · 07/09/2023 11:23

If the swine said he wasn't attracted to you what's changed his mind? Has he maybe been trying online dating and realised he's no catch himself? I'd be doing some undercover snooping but that's just me.

PaintedEgg · 07/09/2023 11:36

my bet is that he ventured out into the world and found out he's not the hot stuff with queues of hot women wanting to sleep with him...

he doesn't sound pleasant at all and from what you're saying you don't really have a reason to get back with him. He has hurt you, he said he's not attracted to you, you got accustomed to the idea of not being together...if you go back together, what would you get out of it? what would be the benefit to you?

Original poster
Moosegooses · 07/09/2023 11:53

@PaintedEgg @Asyousayit I don’t think he’s been dating or anything, I think he just wants to keep the family together.

In terms of what’s in it for me, it’s the same really. The family unit, the DC. I wish we could be happy for their sake. So I feel guilty that I can’t feel comfortable in the relationship anymore. Part of me feels like I should at least give it a go for their sake….but I don’t know if I can, there’s a block there now.

OP posts:
Asyousayit · 07/09/2023 12:00

Maybe try some couples counselling?

Original poster
Moosegooses · 07/09/2023 12:55

Thanks @Asyousayit We’ve had counselling (pre split) but maybe some more…

OP posts:
Newestname002 · 07/09/2023 16:07

@Moosegooses

I think a big part of me had come to terms with separating and now I can’t get my head around the alternative.

This ^^ jumped out at me. Would you now be considering making yourself vulnerable again, for the sake of duty, to someone who said

there was no physical intimacy (as he wasn’t attracted to me) and also no emotional connection

What has changed for him during the last months/year that he sees you and your marriage in a more positive way? Is there truly love and affection for you from him or is it just easier for him and/or you to go back to what you thought you had?

I think whilst you consider your position, check what your finances could be if you continued the separation and/or divorced. Take a discreet look (don't tell him) and look at www.entitledto.co.uk and also how much child maintenance or universal credit you might be entitled to. What is the position regarding the house - if you co-own it what is the available equity? How much do you both have in cash, investments, pensions, etc. What is your job situation and can you improve it? Information is power and will will help you refocus.

Give yourself some options, including honest and open counselling, instead of just sliding back into what you once had because he's changed his mind again. 🌹

PaintedEgg · 07/09/2023 16:15

for the sake of kids you should pull off the band aid and make the split final

remember that whatever you're showing them now will be their template - would you like your kids to think their partner can:

  1. say they are no longer attracted to them and leave
  2. possibly date someone else or attempt to
  3. still reap benefits of a relationship by living together
  4. after a year just turn around and say they changed their mind and want to go back - while never actually taking back anything they said
this sucks, you know it does, it does not make it a fulfilling relationship and by staying you are making yourself miserable

and that's the "normal" you are presenting to your kids

Sayitaintso33 · 07/09/2023 17:15

He needed to have time apart to fall back in love with you. Only time will tell whether you fall back in love with him.

Athrawes · 07/09/2023 17:20

I think counselling is a good idea because it is a safe space where you can say the things that concern you in a way that you can't when it's just the two of you.

The third party witness can guide the conversation in such a way that the right tone of words are used so that they are meaningful and not able to be dismissed.

ThirtyThrillionThreeTrees · 07/09/2023 17:30

I think you might be better having seperate counselling yourself first.

Get your head shorted out first. What do you really want or need? It's not just his choice. He's broken the trust between you and seem like on explanations both then and now.

Trenchfootinthescottishhighlandstoday · 07/09/2023 17:31

I split with ex for 6 months. My choice. Took him back after promises of change. We even married Still a twat. Regretted it within 2 weeks. Lasted a year... Imo your dh thought he would get more sex /chance to relive his youth /opt out of responsibility and has now realised he has no one to shag /wash his pants /cook his tea... Keep him away ime op.

Inkpotlover · 07/09/2023 17:36

Moosegooses · 07/09/2023 10:31

Thank you both. Lack of trust is the issue I think. I just don’t seem to feel comfortable in the relationship anymore.

There wasn’t an affair but he said his feelings for me had changed, he thought we were incompatible, there was no physical intimacy (as he wasn’t attracted to me) and also no emotional connection even when I was going through hell and felt incredibly low. I think I’ve learned to feel anxious/cautious in his presence and that just isn’t going away… I’m wondering if it ever will?

An ex-partner of mine said the very similar things to me and I couldn't come back from it. I couldn't live with the worry that it was going to happen again, nor the pressure of thinking I had to always look attractive to him and be sexually available or he'd go off me again. That's no way to live, especially when you've got DC who need to you to their mum, not a walking sex doll. I think listen to your gut and continue the separation. Good luck. Flowers

SamphiretheTervosaurReturneth · 07/09/2023 17:43

The two of you seem to have lived that Beautiful South song.

His loss. I can't imagine how you would be able to forget the many little heart cutting comments he doubtless made to justify himself.

Bapbap45 · 07/09/2023 17:55

Inkpotlover · 07/09/2023 17:36

An ex-partner of mine said the very similar things to me and I couldn't come back from it. I couldn't live with the worry that it was going to happen again, nor the pressure of thinking I had to always look attractive to him and be sexually available or he'd go off me again. That's no way to live, especially when you've got DC who need to you to their mum, not a walking sex doll. I think listen to your gut and continue the separation. Good luck. Flowers

Show quote history

I agree. I worry you'd spend your life on ddge, and believe me, it's no life for kids if you're miserable.

CrazyHamsterLady · 07/09/2023 17:58

Try some couples counselling before deciding.

Opentooffers · 07/09/2023 18:08

How long has it been since any intimacy? He said there had been none as he is not attracted, so has he turned your advances down in the past or were you not bothered either?

Original poster
Moosegooses · 13/09/2023 06:35

thanks for the replies… @Opentooffers its been over a year since any intimacy. I wanted to but he didn’t. It made me feel awful about myself but I had started to build my confidence back up.. and now this.

I just struggle with the change in his behaviour, to believe in it. For a long time I felt he didn’t even like me let alone love me. And i have been so miserable.

I guess it would take a long time to rebuild things but I’m not even sure if I can start that journey, I’m not sure I want to anymore.

OP posts:
itsgoingtobeabumpyride · 13/09/2023 07:13

@Moosegooses
I could have written your op minus the DC.
My oh told me at the beginning of the year basically what yours said along with a few extra character assassinations.
We're still living together, separate rooms, my house, not married.
He hasn't and has no plans to move out, he owns a buy to let so has somewhere to go.
I was unhappy for a long time, he neglected me, always put himself first, some pretty bad behavior around drinking etc and when I raised it he decided to try to annihilate my character.
I was, for nearly 20 yrs, his "ride or die" I'd have done anything for him, absolutely loved the bones of him but when he'd finished his speech there was nothing left.
He killed all my feelings and my trust in him during one conversation, he said things that can never be unsaid or unheard.
I want him to move out, he wants to stay.
He dresses it up as he doesn't want to leave me on my own, how would I cope without him, he's worried about me being alone, plus he still loves me.
The reality, I think, is that he's worried about cutting that last string, how he'll cope alone, plus he's comfortable with the set up and financially it suits him.
I've been living in limbo for 8 months, a half life, scared to throw him out because I'm so used to him being here (for most of my adult life).
I need to move my life forward which I can't do whilst still living with him.
I have given myself a timeframe to pluck up the courage to get him out.
I never believed I would say this but after everything he said I don't love him anymore and I'll never trust him again.
You need to be careful that he's not staying just because it's easier for him, financially and emotionally.
My heart goes out to you.
Do what feels right for you, you deserve someone who loves you and someone who you can love and more importantly trust

Original poster
Moosegooses · 13/09/2023 07:55

@itsgoingtobeabumpyride thank you, sending much sympathy your way. If it helps at all, I feel like if I was in your position I would be out of there (I mean make him get out of there) so quick! But I know it’s easier said than done. I really empathise with that sense that certain things can’t be unsaid. I wouldn’t have thought words would have such power but they do.

I am still really torn because of family life but I am worried if I stay I will feel unloved forever 😞

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