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Original poster

Getting back together after separation

47 replies

Moosegooses · 07/09/2023 08:35

DH and I separated last year at his initiation - he said he wanted to end things, and said various things about why that I’m not sure I’ll ever get over. We’ve carried on living together (separate rooms) largely for financial reasons (& we have 3 DC) but now he’s had a change of heart and wants to get back together. He’s being really nice and part of me wants to but I just can’t get over what’s happened. I think a big part of me had come to terms with separating and now I can’t get my head around the alternative.

People ask what I want but I’m so torn - I had been hoping for this for a long time but now it’s here I can’t trust it somehow, it doesn’t feel real.

OP posts:
Daffodil18 · 13/09/2023 08:05

I wouldn’t want to be with him in your situation. However if you are going to continue to live together then you may as well get back together.

Original poster
Moosegooses · 13/09/2023 08:10

Hi @Daffodil18 thanks and yes that’s one way of looking at it! The plan wasn’t to live together indefinitely though, if we permanently split we would get different places to live. Can you say why you wouldn’t want to be with him in my situation?

OP posts:
Somewhereovertherainbowweighapie · 13/09/2023 08:10

I think you should absolutely get counselling before committing to anything. If he changes his mind again how will you cope?

Original poster
Moosegooses · 13/09/2023 08:24

Thanks @Somewhereovertherainbowweighapie I’m not sure about counselling together at this stage, I think maybe I need to get my head together a bit first.

OP posts:
Daffodil18 · 13/09/2023 11:41

Moosegooses · 13/09/2023 08:10

Hi @Daffodil18 thanks and yes that’s one way of looking at it! The plan wasn’t to live together indefinitely though, if we permanently split we would get different places to live. Can you say why you wouldn’t want to be with him in my situation?

He has dumped you and told you he isn’t attracted to you. What has changed? Probably nothing but he just wants to use you as a practical wife. I don’t think you’d be happy with him and deserve better but like I said if you stay living together then you may as well say you are back together, for the sake of the kids and carry on as you are.

Original poster
Moosegooses · 13/09/2023 18:57

@Daffodil18 yes unfortunately I think you’re right, I’m not convinced anything has actually changed.

OP posts:
CherryCokeFanatic · 13/09/2023 19:00

Not being funny but maybe he’s fed up of just wanking and is saying all you want to hear so he can have someone to have sex with again.

Or he is dreading the upheaval of properly separating and moving out etc and thinks it will be easier to just try and make do and continue for now.

Original poster
Moosegooses · 13/09/2023 19:30

Ha that made me laugh! But being serious I think it’s the latter tbh…

OP posts:
Wallywobbles · 14/09/2023 06:14

I've always said to my kids if your friends don't make you feel good about yourself their not your friends.

He is NOT you friend. Counseling for you and your boundaries. Time to start dating and having fun with people who make you feel good and sexy. Time to make the split official. Move on.

Guiltypleasures001 · 14/09/2023 06:31

He's seen you change in confidence and pull away
You find yourself going towards a better place for yourself and he doesn't like it
He just wants you back in your box
Nothings changed op he just doesn't want to lose control
And see you happy
Tell him you want a divorce and see how quickly he changes then
He doesn't get to rule your life he gave that option up months ago
Make the split legal and get your ducks in a row
You deserve so much more and he isn't it don't let guilt pull you in to a toxic cycle you can't get out of again

Original poster
Moosegooses · 14/09/2023 10:45

@Wallywobbles @Guiltypleasures001 Those posts really hit home, thank you.

I don't think he means to make me unhappy, but he does. The feeling of not being able to trust is getting stronger as time goes on.

OP posts:
Guiltypleasures001 · 14/09/2023 16:40

Misery loves company as they say op
You thinking he doesn't mean to hurt you is how you would or would not act towards him
You are voicing the control you have over yourself and trying to see the same in him, except it doesn't exist in his world

That's like comparing oranges and apples, he should have moved out and followed through with his unhappiness I make things better for himself

Instead he stayed and kept you as his housekeeper
Now he feels like a shag again and oh look she's not that bad after all, I'll cosy up to her and see if she I'll go for it

He said you weren't good enough for him op in not so many words
But really the opposite is true
He's let you down and insulted you , you deserve better and are ignoring your instincts so as not to set him off or hurt him

Bet he accuses you of seeing someone else because you are no longer pliable to him
There's a whole world out there and not everyone's an arsehole
He's a a car crash you can see coming, step out of the rd and don't be involved in his bills hit any longer
Deep down you know you don't want it , the people pleaser in you isn't sure. Tell her to quieten down and get out

northerncrumpet · 14/09/2023 16:47

Speaking as someone who separated and then divorced...the fact that your head/heart isn't immediately saying yes suggests the answer can only be no.

Your DC will cope so long as the situation resolves itself - one way or the other; it's the uncertainty of going backwards and forwards that won't do them any good.

Be brave love, you know what you want it's just hard to acknowledge it, even to yourself. xx

Prelapsarianhag · 14/09/2023 17:08

How will you ever have sex with him after what he has said. You would never trust him again after that cruelty.

Ofcourseshecan · 14/09/2023 23:31

PaintedEgg · 07/09/2023 16:15

for the sake of kids you should pull off the band aid and make the split final

remember that whatever you're showing them now will be their template - would you like your kids to think their partner can:

  1. say they are no longer attracted to them and leave
  2. possibly date someone else or attempt to
  3. still reap benefits of a relationship by living together
  4. after a year just turn around and say they changed their mind and want to go back - while never actually taking back anything they said
this sucks, you know it does, it does not make it a fulfilling relationship and by staying you are making yourself miserable

and that's the "normal" you are presenting to your kids

I agree 100%. Split up and co-parent amicably for the sake of your children. Growing up with parents who don’t love each other is so damaging to children, it’s heartbreaking.

Dery · 15/09/2023 00:49

@PaintedEgg has nailed it. He rejected you sexually, made clear he no longer fancied you, made you feel he didn’t even like you and then left the marriage and was happy to be separate from you for a year. I agree with PP - he didn’t have the exciting shagfest which he envisaged for himself and now he fancies a shag.

There should be no coming back from the way he treated you. He was happy to destroy you when he was on his way out. There are ways of leaving someone which don’t involve assassinating their character but he was unnecessarily cruel and vicious. And if he can treat you, the mother of his 3 DCs, like that once, he can do it again. You will never feel safe with him.

Original poster
Moosegooses · 15/09/2023 08:54

I know you are all right in many ways. But it doesn’t feel like enough of a reason to break up a family permanently. I wish I could feel happier to try and make it work. I keep thinking if I give it a go I might learn to trust again? Does it work like that?

OP posts:
northerncrumpet · 15/09/2023 11:06

Personally, I don't think unquestioning trust is something you can easily re-build, and for me, unquestioning trust has to be the bedrock on which a partner relationship has to be built.

I wonder if there is a midway option; tell him you just don't know and ask him to move out properly for say six months, and then see where you both are when you're not living together with the kids. I get that you've had to live together whilst separated for financial reasons, but that means you haven't actually, really, been apart, haven't had to see what that feels like. And it does feel very different, and it would help you know what to do - for me it was blindingly clear what I wanted as soon as my ex had left.

I get that you want to protect the kids, that's entirely the right thing to be thinking about, but from my own experience (as a child and now as an adult) it was far worse emotionally being part of a family that was explicitly "staying together for the kids" than I think my DC are experiencing now that it's just us at home with them seeing their dad regularly. Neither is an easy option, and the decision you need to make is a big one...allow yourself the space to make it.

category12 · 15/09/2023 11:52

No, why would you trust someone who pulled the rug out from under you like that?

You can put relationships back together, but there are always the scars of that.

It's likely to be the background noise to your life, not really feeling loved, feeling like you got back together out of inertia and convenience, not because you really believe in him.

Don't you deserve a bit more than that?

What is he actually doing to to repair the damage, other than being nicer?

maclen · 15/09/2023 11:59

So he was seeing someone else and that's ended so he wants you back is what I took from your post ... I'd say no thank you and go your separate ways before he does it again.

Helsbels85 · 20/10/2024 00:32

Over a year later, I’m wondering how things turned out for you? I hope you are well and happy xxxxxx

XChrome · 20/10/2024 01:23

Moosegooses · 07/09/2023 10:31

Thank you both. Lack of trust is the issue I think. I just don’t seem to feel comfortable in the relationship anymore.

There wasn’t an affair but he said his feelings for me had changed, he thought we were incompatible, there was no physical intimacy (as he wasn’t attracted to me) and also no emotional connection even when I was going through hell and felt incredibly low. I think I’ve learned to feel anxious/cautious in his presence and that just isn’t going away… I’m wondering if it ever will?

Edited because I just saw how old the thread is. D'oh!

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