Giving up on having children, getting married

[scotmackey]

Hello... first time poster and feeling quite sad, so looking for support.

I'm 38, and trying to come to terms with not having my 'own' (bio) children.
Quick history: Travelled a lot in my early - mid 20s, then haven't managed to settle down with a man who wanted children.
My most significant relationship ended about 2 years ago - he said, quite half-heartedly, that he wanted children, then it wasn't happening & he said he just couldn't stick with it. By not happening, I mean not conceiving and then also miscarriages. We were about to start IVF and then broke up.
I did one round of solo IVF with donor sperm but it didn't take.
My eggs reserves are lower than average but not 0% chance, and no explanation for multiple miscarriages :(

In the past 2 years, I've moved to Paris and am about a year into a longer-term relationship with a man who I feel I really love. My life was already good (job, friends, hobbies) but I feel so calm, happy, and loved with him.

However...he is 12 years older than me, and divorced with 4 children (3 adult DCs, 1 end of primary), all with his ex-wife. He's been exceptionally understanding & sensitive but he has said, very gently but clearly, that he can't support another child. He has said he will try to support me if I do pursue solo IVF again but he doesn't feel comfortable with the idea of being in a father role again at 50 & with his own. Obviously, it's all a bit too early for these kinds of conversations but we're both vv aware of my fertility.

I really really want to stay together, but he is worried that he is stopping me from these crucial last fertile years. He also wants to stay together.

For context I'm Scottish & he is English (with French citizenship).
I suppose I'm looking for advice around: when to let go of having your own children (I feel this is the direction I'm moving towards) and also maybe navigating the age gap & relationship with his children as a childless woman?

Sorry that's so long. I would really , really appreciate help or your own experiences.

Trying not to write too much but it does feel like there is quite a lot now I see it all written out...I didn't ever expect I would fall in love with a man older than me, or have to navigate getting to know adult children or even live in another country. Life is unpredictable.

I've had a lot of shitty relationships & experiences with men, whereas this relationship has felt so natural, calm, loving. He's so kind to me amid dealing with his ex-wife, the fallout of divorce with his children, being primary parent for their youngest...etc.

I don’t really see what there is to navigate re age gap? There’s 24 years between my DP and I and we’ve been together 15 years, we’re just a couple?

Re the adult children, each one will have a different relationship with you, that develops organically, just treat with respect at all times and never feel you are in competition because you really aren’t.
Re coming to terms with not having children of your own, I think you need to be gentle on yourself, every way of life is different and every life has so much value and love and laughter to offer. You are more than the sum of your biological parts, you are you and are worth celebrating.
It sounds like this relationship could be a true blessing, I really hope it is for you both.

I think there's more to life then having children. It sounds like you have a nice life already so why risk spoiling that by complicating it with a very needy, very fragile extra human being who isn't even the child of the man you love.
Even if you had a child via ivf, if you want to be with this man, then surely he will have to play a father role in some way?.
I have 3 children and to be honest all it's caused is severe amounts of stress and worry that will probably last until the day I stop breathing.
My youngest has a genetic disorder and has disabilities due to it and as much as I love my children, it's a very thankless job, and the negatives far our way the positives on most days.
I could say well I enjoyed taking to the park when they were little...well I now enjoy taking my dogs to the park. I could also say I've enjoyed our holidays...well I would have probably enjoyed my holidays alot more on my
own.
They also don't stay babies for very long and most of my memories of my children are as teenagers. The cute baby stage whizzed by in a flash. If you had to give birth to a teenager would you bother having them??
Most of your parenting will be when they're a teenager and then you'll be left thinking you wished you'd had one more just so you could have a few months with a baby again!
It's just not worth it. Enjoy your life, enjoy your relationship and above all enjoy your freedom and peace!!

@AtalantaX thank you, that's so kind.
I also don't feel like having an age gap is that significant but people can be judgemental in real life, and a couple of my friends (&my DSIS) have asked, in a way that isn't unkind, why I wouldn't want to pursue a relationship with a younger man who might be more up for children.

Also my partner can be a bit self-conscious about it - he's had the male banter about dating a younger woman. In his words - 'are you sure you want to stick with a paunchy grumpy middle aged man?'. So maybe I'm worrying more than I need to.

@sezzer87 thank you so much, really appreciate your honesty and openness. Even though we've come from different life experiences I feel like I do share your outlook in a way. I can see how much stress my DP's children can cause him - actually I only really understood a bit more what it is actually like to be a parent at times when e.g. he wouldn't be able to sleep for worrying about them.

And yes, we've talked about what his relationship (hypothetically) would be with any baby I conceive through IVF. He loved & loves being a father but has been responsible and sensitive in being upfront with me about not being a father figure or father to another child.

Thanks as well for telling me to enjoy my life - I really do most of the time but it's good to have the reminder to really appreciate the freedom.

So I had a baby earlier this year after a whirlwind COVID romance /engagement - when I was pregnant he changed a lot in how he treated me and he walked out on my just before baby was born.

I am really stressed and heartbroken BUT

If I could go back in time I would still have my baby. I love him so much- yes I'd prefer it if I could have had him with a decent guy who would stick around and be my husband and do all the family stuff with me, but if I'd broken up with my ex and hasn't had a baby, there's no guarantee I'd have met that decent guy in my next few fertile years.

The way I see things now is that I have a whole lifetime ahead to meet my romantic match but my baby having window is almost over, I'm so so so happy that I have my little boy. I'm assuming you're in a decent financial situation if you were considering solo parenting. Giving up your obvious dream of being a mother for a Parisian romance of a year sounds too risky for me- I'd be tempted to go ahead with baby and the boyfriend can either stick around or not but you'll have your baby xxx

Watch 'the duchess' on Netflix if you haven't already btw

Ps Parisian boyfriend sounds like a decent guy and he's been honest with you. Perhaps if you have a baby you won't stay together now but might rekindle things later if it's meant to be. Or he might be great and become a father figure to your baby.

@scotmackey don’t give up your last fertile years for a man you have only been with for a year who has 4 children of his own. I would end this relationship as soon as possible and try to find someone else whilst looking into doing it solo too. Honestly, why would you close the door now when you have a good few years left? What if you stay with this man and it ends when your 44? He also has 4 children, albeit mostly grown up, but your situation and his situation is massively unbalanced. As you get further into that relationship it will be more apparent the difference stages you are at. For someone with no kids and someone with 4 kids, it’s just completely different. You will be 5th in line of being his priority whereas you are making your only priority. You are putting him over the potential of having a baby of your own. Of course he wants to stay together as he has found himself a 38 year old with no “baggage”. If you are really meant to be why not let each other go and you can always find each other again in 5 years time. However, once you shut that door on your fertility that’s it, there’s no going back. People say you can be happy without kids and you definitely can. But a lot of the people who say this say it in the comfort of them having kids.

*making him your one priority

As a childless woman with zero regrets maybe a bay isn’t the be all and end all

I really struggled with the question of children in my late thirties. Then circumstances meant I wasn’t in a position to consider them. Tbh now I’m 45 and very happily married to a wonderful man who never wanted children. Sometimes I think ‘what if’ but I’ve come to the conclusion that life has lots of pathways - one choice isn’t always better than another. Unless you have a burning need for a child of your own, there are lots of options, including using donated eggs, adoption, fostering etc. Re: the relationship - I met my husband at 40 and I found middle age dating difficult. I was so relieved to meet my husband and to find happiness with him; I personally wouldn’t sacrifice my loving relationship for a child. Plus at 45, I am often incredibly tired and perimenopausal. It takes its toll - do you want that with a 5 year old child? People say ‘it’s never too late!’ But I think that’s pretty unhelpful. To conclude: there’s no right or wrong answer. Try to weigh how you feel personally about it all without external influences, and good luck! It was a really horrible period in my life making the decision not to have kids, but 5 years on I wouldn’t have them even if I could. Either way, it will work itself out.

You can't script life. All you can do is respond to the opportunities in front of you.
You could end things, and try to find a guy who wants children, or go it alone... and end up miserable.
If this guy makes you happy, 'gets' you, and you enjoy your life together, are you actually going to regret seeing where that takes you?
I don't think you would. There is always the untrodden path whether you have kids or don't, it remains an unknown so can be a bit wistful (either way!) but if you make the most of the life you have you'll always find something to love about your life that the alternative wouldn't have given you.

It's an incredibly difficult situation. I'm in your partners shoes, in that I've concluded I can't have any more kids at my age, and my partner wants them, so we've split. He is taking a fertility test though to see if he's fertile, because if he isn't then we may be able to work it out..

No real advice but just to say that even in the comments, there's a real mix of responses and they read like a transcript of my mind going through this! Stay together and you/he might regret it! Don't stay together and you/he might regret it!

Not many people want to start a family all over when he's out of the kiddy years. He's been honest with you about that.

You just need to understand that any child you may have, you'll be raising 100% by yourself.

If you end this relationship, chances aren't on your side to find a new man and have a child with. Honestly speaking and gently, a man who wants a child and has any understanding of female fertility, isn't going to choose a woman your age.

You need to try and come to terms with the fact they you may not have a biological child. They certainly doesn't make you less than anyone else, but it's hard when you wanted that for yourself.

I think these are two quite separate issues. It's not that you haven't got married and therefore haven't had children. You've begun exploring your fertility problems but didn't finish (by the sounds of it) that particular journey. It's also possible that you could have been married for five years to someone who very much wanted children and been unable to have them. I had a baby at your age and so did some of my friends, but they were natural conceptions and not difficult to achieve. Some of my friends tried for another in their 40s and weren't able to get pregnant. We didn't, but I'm fairly sure I wouldn't have been able to from the vast host of peri-menopausal symptoms now afflicting me. After the early 30s I don't think having a baby is anything like guaranteed for the majority of women (and some not even then, of course).

On the other hand, it sounds as if you have a rich and an enjoyable life and a partner who is willing to be completely straightforward with you, while also being independently supportive. So it's not that you have neither thing.

Hello everyone, I'm away from my laptop today so will reply properly later, but have just been reading through your replies and wanted to say thank-you!

I also realised I wrote 'getting married' in the title then didn't explain - meant to say, I also haven't been married & feel some sense of loss at this as well. That's a bit silly though, I'm probably over romanticising the dress on the big day ... I suppose I thought I'd be married & have a child by now , although I l'm genuinely happy with my life in so many ways. Did you feel differently in your life when you actually said , 'I do'?

I wouldn't expect to get married 14 months into a relationship (though we have talked a bit about it, not that seriously). Maybe i feel a bit jealous of the ex wife , with all their lovely children and being married to him , even though it didn't work out.

He has said he would want to get married to me if he re-married, but also recognises it's quite early days - but he knows what he wants and who he is pretty well, i guess that comes with age and being settled, financially, with children etc.
And as I said before, he doesn't want to 'block' me from having a baby. So maybe it feels like a choice between marriage with him (in the future) and not having a baby , or an unpredictable maybe lonely single life where I pursue solo motherhood.

As for finances ... I'm in a funny position where I've been professionally successful but in a career which is not very lucrative.
I can support myself but it's not a worry-free totally easy lifestyle. I used my small inheritance from my DM's will for fertility stuff.
My partner is very well off and although I don't want to sound like a gold digger, it has been such a relief to pursue my (creative) work without having to worry about money so much.
This opportunity in Paris is kind of a once in a lifetime thing, so I don't want to leave the city even though it would be easier for me to pursue solo motherhood in England / Scotland, where i'm actually a citizen and totally understand the language !

@scotmackey ultimately only you can make this decision but the fact you have gone through what you have shows how much you want a baby. So why not just wait a few more years before shutting that door? If you were with someone who was also child free my answer might be slightly different. But one person having 4 kids and one having none, it’s just completely different worlds. You will be basically living his life, waiting around for him as his kids will always come first, then grandkids come along and so on. If he was childless too then you would be each others priorities and on the same page. I personally don’t think you should be giving up your own life be with a man who is then expecting you to take on everything for him.

I don't get the impression the OPs partner is expecting her to do everything for him. It seems they're having very sensible and honest discussions and trying to work around the problem.

It's interesting what you say about your feelings of experiencing big life events (according to society) as that's what my ex feels too. He pointed out that I'd experienced all three (house marriage kids) and he none.

Marriage and weddings aren't all they're cracked up to be, but I know that's easy for me to say!

Massive squishes @scotmackey you have a lot to mentally unpack going on. My suggestion in the most gentle way would be to talk to a therapist or counsellor and look into why children/marriage are so important to you and unpick all the emotions around it.

it could be you just want to do/experience them both as it’s seen as a societal norm for children and we are raised to expect and plan for them. We are told and led all our lives that this is what normal little girls want. Is it an ingrained expectation? Is it because of good or bad experiences you had that shaped you as a child within your own family? And you want the same or you want to prove you can do better than any negative experiences you had?

talk it out with a professional and let them unravel it. The answers will hopefully become very apparent to you then. x

It sounds like you've lived a full and fulfilling life so far and like you did what made you happy. It sounds from your OP and your updates like you're looking to come to terms with not having children/a big fancy wedding, rather than looking at ways to make that happen. Am I reading that right?

There's a childfree board on MN, I'm surprised no one has mentioned it to you yet, but I'd head over there to find your people and support for making peace with things, instead of the relationships board where people tend to tell you what your other options are (which is fine if that's what you need but in your case I thought I'd suggest the alternative).

Here it is if you want it:

OP is childless, not childfree, they’re very, very different things.