Giving up on having children, getting married

[scotmackey]

Hello... first time poster and feeling quite sad, so looking for support.

I'm 38, and trying to come to terms with not having my 'own' (bio) children.
Quick history: Travelled a lot in my early - mid 20s, then haven't managed to settle down with a man who wanted children.
My most significant relationship ended about 2 years ago - he said, quite half-heartedly, that he wanted children, then it wasn't happening & he said he just couldn't stick with it. By not happening, I mean not conceiving and then also miscarriages. We were about to start IVF and then broke up.
I did one round of solo IVF with donor sperm but it didn't take.
My eggs reserves are lower than average but not 0% chance, and no explanation for multiple miscarriages :(

In the past 2 years, I've moved to Paris and am about a year into a longer-term relationship with a man who I feel I really love. My life was already good (job, friends, hobbies) but I feel so calm, happy, and loved with him.

However...he is 12 years older than me, and divorced with 4 children (3 adult DCs, 1 end of primary), all with his ex-wife. He's been exceptionally understanding & sensitive but he has said, very gently but clearly, that he can't support another child. He has said he will try to support me if I do pursue solo IVF again but he doesn't feel comfortable with the idea of being in a father role again at 50 & with his own. Obviously, it's all a bit too early for these kinds of conversations but we're both vv aware of my fertility.

I really really want to stay together, but he is worried that he is stopping me from these crucial last fertile years. He also wants to stay together.

For context I'm Scottish & he is English (with French citizenship).
I suppose I'm looking for advice around: when to let go of having your own children (I feel this is the direction I'm moving towards) and also maybe navigating the age gap & relationship with his children as a childless woman?

Sorry that's so long. I would really , really appreciate help or your own experiences.

I’m 46 with a 12 year old daughter. I was married and am now 5years divorced. I love my daughter but looking back now I’d make different choices. I’m tired, starting to think about retiring, feeling tied down by school holidays, struggling to balance my wants and needs with those of a teen (as delightful as she is). Having children is not the only, nor a guaranteed, route to happiness.

If you had no fertitily problems it would be something to consider but considering your chances of even conceiving are v v low I would take the bird in the hand personally. A great relationship versus maybe one day having a child. You could of course try for an IVF child and if it happens break up- that way you are not risking anything if the want for a child overpowers your love for your partner.

This is a good point, and you'd have to consider in your deliberations.

I had my only child at 38 and it's been very hard. If I were to go back in time, I'm not sure I'd make the same choice. Parenting young children is relentless at any age but very tiring in your 40. It's also put a huge strain on my previously rock solid marriage.

Honestly, your life sounds wonderful and on many days, I'd happily swap places. But I don't know what it's like to long for a child or have to make difficult choices. You have to make a decision that's right for you, but having a baby really is not the be all and end all.

At your age, given your difficulties conceiving, I don't think you have time to meet someone else and get to the point where you're ready to conceive together. If you are going to do it, it has to be on your own, now.

I was in a fb group for single mums by choice for a while (different circumstances as I already had a child). It's a hard route, practically, financially and emotionality. Lots of sad tales of fortunes spent on unsuccessful ivf too.

For you, it would mean giving up your relationship and financial stability,for something that might not work anyway. Only you can decide if it's worth it, if you want a child so much that you need to feel you've tried absolutely everything. But I don't think it would have been for me.

Hello everyone, I realise I left the thread hanging after all your kind words - apologies.

Slightly unexpectedly, my DP's oldest is now expecting a baby with his girlfriend. This is lovely news & I really truly feel so happy for them.
It has also clarified my thoughts somewhat - they are in their mid 20s, the same age, while I am in my late 30s & with an older partner. Seeing their excitement (and surprise) is somehow helping me move forwards.

I've had a good month since posting here, with a holiday away, spending time in a kind of step-mum fashion with my DP's youngest, some promising professional steps and doing some work on our flat, which has made it feel more like home.

We've adopted a lovely cat and this has also made me feel more settled and at home in my life. I know being a cat lady is a cliché but I also feel happy knowing I can share some of my care to look after him.

Of course,I still feel a little sad, some ambivalent feelings - nothing is a clean and easy fix.

I think I was on the brink of the decision [to not have pursue pregnancy at the expense of my finances, relationship and personal life] when I posted, and your thoughtful replies all really helped.

Thank you!

I’d stay with him and keep trying for a baby independently and just see what happens Tbh!

you’ll probably already regret not trying again for a baby if you want one. If you try and nothing happens then there’ll be no regrets.

@scotmackey If you have decided that’s enough for you I genuinely hope thinks work out for you. I just worry for you that the things you take comfort in now, may not be there in x amount of years. What if you split up in 5 years time, how would you feel about that?

That sounds like the decision has happened without being forced in the end. And for every road taken there is the one not travelled so having some mixed emotions is part of that.
I'm glad you're feeling more settled and I'm sure your life will bring you joy.

To be honest your life sounds rather amazing to this childless single woman!

I understand from your OP that you wanted the conventional life of marriage and kids, which is completely understandable. Could you change your perspective on this and pursue a less conventional life? Eg try to have a baby by yourself and have a relationship with this man without living together? It would be very different to a conventional relationship but might be lovely in a different way.

Sorry just saw your update! It sounds lovely OP and you seem happy - congratulations on having clarified things.

Hi OP,

I can relate to you, I spent many years trying to meet someone to form a relationship with and to have children with. I met someone when I was aged 38 but they are 17 years older than me and he has two children and didn't want any more.

He makes me feel settled and happy and 5 years later I am happier than I have ever been with a lovely relationship with his two children. I think there will always be a part of me that mourns the loss of not having my own children, I thought life would feel pointless without children - but I think my own mental health struggles made that feel bigger and going through those last years of being more fertile were difficult.

It almost gets easier the older you get and the decision is taken away - plus hormones stop screaming at you to have a baby... it does get easier and I now feel as though I would be too tired to look after a little one, my partner definitely would be.

Hello, just wanted to hop back on here to say thank you to the most recent posters.

@chemicalworld thank you, It's so lovely to feel connected to someone with such a similar experience. We can feel sadness about what we don't have while also feeling grateful for what we do. At least that's what I'm trying to remember!

And to everyone else, yes I'm feeling more settled. This thread helped a lot. I don't think I can put my body and spirit through more hope / stress / hormones / treatment ... it's been a crazy past five / 10 years and I think it's just time for me to rest and recover now.

Never give up the chance of motherhood for any man.