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Original poster

Ex who dumped me years ago was horrible to me when I didn't want to hang out with him now?

29 replies

galaxyruffle · 06/09/2023 17:48

Today I was in town in a shop and ran into my ex-boyfriend from about 5 years ago. I dated him from 15 to 17 then he dumped me I think because he thought he might have a chance with another girl, I don't know if that worked out. I was devastated at the time but looking back it was for the as best he was 3 years older than me and probably felt lame dating a high school girl while he was at university and to be honest he wasn't really a great boyfriend to me very unreliable and quite selfish. I was super loyal and devoted (stupidly so) and so it was great for me to get out there to meet and date other people.

So I did get over him in a couple of months and started dating someone new then I went to university and so my life was moving on as it does at that age and I didn't think much about him. We were at the same university so I did see him about sometimes and when I'd run into him he would say oh we should hang out and to be honest I would probably have been more open to doing so as friends back then, I did wonder if he was testing to see if I'd be open to dating him again but nothing ever really came of it and I didn't try to make it happen as I was busy with my own life. The last time I saw him before today was at uni when he told me he was taking a year out from university due to his mental health but he never returned.

Anyway he saw me in the shop today and came up to me and we just chatted. I him asked how his parents, sister and friends were and so on just the usual pleasantries then he said we should swap numbers so we could hang out sometimes. I said no, I don't think so, he asked why and I said I just don't want to, I'm pretty busy with my work and I barely have enough time for my friends and boyfriend as it is. I hadn't given him much thought in recent years so my response was really just intuitive but I guess it just felt like a bad idea as it would be disrespectful to my current boyfriend and I guess it just feels like my ex on some level probably still sees me as the young, naïve, loyal girlfriend I was when I was with him, putting up with all his bad behaviour and perhaps thinks he could still pick up with me, but really it was just an instinctive no. It wasn't nasty or rude I was just establishing my own boundaries with him.

Anyway after it sank in that I really was saying no to him he turned nasty and shouted in the bookshop ( I was so embarrassed) that I'd "become a complete f**king bitch" and then he stormed off.

It was awful, I just don't get why he would turn so nasty, while he wasn't the best boyfriend he was never that nasty or abusive with me before so its just upsetting that this will be our last interaction because after that I think I will be avoiding him completely.

OP posts:
Hoosemover · 06/09/2023 17:51

In hindsight, you should have took his number and blocked it.

He sounds like a first class arsehole.

Acuppaisbetterthanprosecco · 06/09/2023 17:54

He's already shown his true colours. Why would you want to be friends with someone who disrespects you like that? You absolutely did the right thing. Certainly a lucky escape in your part x

PaintedEgg · 06/09/2023 17:54

you were polite throughout, he's an asshole. and you're right, you should avoid him

Pallisers · 06/09/2023 17:56

Well you certainly made the right call saying no to him. What an asshole. Avoid him. Lucky escape as pp said.

Campervangirl · 06/09/2023 17:56

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Original poster
galaxyruffle · 06/09/2023 17:59

@Acuppaisbetterthanprosecco Yes he did, I went out with a boy when I was 14 who really was abusive from the get go and I think that because I dated him after the really abusive guy I had kept excusing his bad behaviour because at least he wasn't as horrible as the other guy but today really shocked me.

Well at least I do feel like I learned from those past relationships and would never put up with that sort of behaviour now.

OP posts:
Unexpecteddrivinginstructor · 06/09/2023 18:01

Lucky escape!

Original poster
galaxyruffle · 06/09/2023 18:01

@Campervangirl Sadly I suspect that this is true, if I'd ever went back out with him after he dumped me I'm sure I'd just be a placeholder for him until someone prettier, slimmer or cooler caught his eye.

OP posts:
WimpoleHat · 06/09/2023 18:04

Well done to you. You don’t owe him friendship. You were polite and courteous, which is to your credit. But you don’t owe him your time, or to make him feel good about himself. Well done.

Eanair23 · 06/09/2023 18:06

That expression makes me wince. The casual racism.

Eanair23 · 06/09/2023 18:07

It's been deleted.

Original poster
galaxyruffle · 06/09/2023 18:09

@WimpoleHat Thanks I do feel a bit upset by what he said but in reality it only shows how little he actually must think of me as if I've just been waiting for him to come back to me and now his ego is bruised.

OP posts:
DuranNotSpandeau · 06/09/2023 18:14

I think you should be really impressed with your response to him. So many women would have said yes out of politeness or awkwardness so it says a lot about your self worth that you were happy to say no.
His reaction says everything you need to know about who he is these days. Bullet dodged!

Original poster
galaxyruffle · 06/09/2023 18:22

@DuranNotSpandeau Thanks I appreciate you saying that, I am glad I said no especially after that even if it was upsetting. His mind is probably boggling that I said no, hopefully he reflects on his reaction and doesn't do the same in future to anyone else.

OP posts:
RaininSummer · 06/09/2023 18:26

He is annoyed that you are not longer naive and can see him for how he is. You handled it well. He can't really expect you to want to hang out as not many partners would be cool with that.

Epidote · 06/09/2023 18:34

He wanted to play you around like he did. He couldn't and he had a tramtrum.
Time has passed for both of you but only one seems to had use it wisely.
Well done you!

Original poster
galaxyruffle · 06/09/2023 18:45

@RaininSummer I think any opportunity for us to have evolved into friends is long past and I am not sure it would have been that rewarding now considering. My current boyfriend doesn't control who I see but it would have felt disrespectful to him and our relationship to agree to see him plus I just didn't want to.

@Epidote I think he imagined he could still have me dangling on a string forgetting I was just a child really when we dated. All I can hope is that he does grow up a bit for whoever he might happen to date next!

OP posts:
Epidote · 07/09/2023 07:43

@galaxyruffle
Just after I wrote the post I had a thought and a smile thinking it is a shame galaxyruffle did not replied to him in loud voice and in a stunning recieved pronunciation so everyone could hear and understood "however my dear you are still the same arsehole"

AgnesX · 07/09/2023 07:47

DuranNotSpandeau · 06/09/2023 18:14

I think you should be really impressed with your response to him. So many women would have said yes out of politeness or awkwardness so it says a lot about your self worth that you were happy to say no.
His reaction says everything you need to know about who he is these days. Bullet dodged!

This. More women need to have self respect and not put up with some of the crap that is dished out to them.

Great way to deal with such a prick!

Shortpoet · 07/09/2023 07:54

You didn’t do anything wrong.

Well done for politely and clearly stating that you didn’t want to hang around with him.

His temper tantrum confirms your instinct. You’ve grown and matured. He has not.

Imagine you asked an old flame to hang around and they said no.
What would you do?
Say ok, maybe, be a bit sad.
Would you shout, swear and call them names?
I doubt it.

He might be older than you, but he has the emotional response of a toddler being told no.

Thelonelygiraffe · 07/09/2023 08:09

He didn't like you saying no to him. What a creep. You're well rid.

Good for you for standing up to him, using your words, and knowing what you want. 💪

Garihairy · 07/09/2023 08:20

It's horrible being on the receiving end of someone's vitriol but it shows that really he is just a weak little 'man' who is offended at your boundaries and had to show he is still the big I am. Well, he's not, he never was. Well done you @galaxyruffle Star

notthatbothered · 07/09/2023 08:24

Well you won that situation. Well done.

Laugh it off

LovelyDaaling · 07/09/2023 08:42

It was himself he showed up by his outburst, not you. He regrets dumping you and nurtured hopes to rekindle a relationship but you didn't play ball. What a blow to his ego.

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 07/09/2023 08:48

You sound like you've handled yourself perfectly. You got over and moved on from young heartbreak and you have a degree and a new bf now. You were polite when you saw your ex but you don't even owe him that, let alone meeting up again. You stuck up for yourself and your values including not doing what you don't want to do (why on earth should you!) and also respecting your current bf.

You set a boundary. Well done.

What we can't control though is other people's reactions to our boundary. He didn't like it and he made it clear. That's fine. Cut him off and don't feel guilty if you don't stop and exchange pleasantries next time. Unless you fear he may become dangerous (in which case discusss with police or a dv charity for advice) you don't need to give him another moments thought - just be proud of yourself

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