There is a thread here about Johnny Depp and Amber Heard. There are people in there saying abuse is never mutual and there is always an abuser and a reactive abuser.
Can someone tell me who was the abuser in my past relationship. This was ten years ago so I guess doesn't matter now but it is something I have consistently struggled with and carry guilt over. He was adamant it was me that was abusive.
We would get into a cycle where he would push and push me emotionally until I would get very distressed and start shouting and crying. It was always me that would start shouting first as I would get so upset. When I mean pushed he would stone wall me and ignore me if he was in a mood. Criticise me and put me down. Ignore any request I had to do with my emotional needs and blamed me for everything. He would go back on things he said all the time and deny he said them or claim it was my fault he'd said that when he didn't mean it. He would say he hadn't said things he had said or tell me I am over reacting about everything to the point I felt like I was going crazy half the time. My self esteem sank to nothing.
But it was always me that would start shouting first. I grew up in a shouty family. He said because I started shouting first that I was abusing him.
I would often go upstairs to cry once I had reached the point I was shouting. He would usually follow me either to tell me to shut up or to "fix things" but then he would ignore my constant requests to leave me alone. He would follow me around. If I locked myself in the bathroom he would be undoing the lock from the outside. This would go on until I would get more and more distressed and eventually throw something. At that point he would erupt and be following me around calling me horrendous names. Calling me a c**t and other vile things. He would engage in such a character assassination. I'd get more and more and more distressed. Sometimes I would talk about ending my life not to manipulate but because I had become so deregulated I felt that distressed and wanted it all to stop. Often the situation would end in him physically hurting me in some way. Hitting me. Throwing me into a wall. Throwing something heavy at me (not at the ground like I would). Then once things would calm down he would completely blame me and I had to grovel for his forgiveness. If I didn't he would character assassinate me until I did or the whole thing would start all over again. Hours like this.
He insists I was the abuser because I always started shouting first. He would just stay completely calm but horrid to me until I was so worked up I was shouting.
He said I was the abuser as when our child was very small I would really struggle and I would call him up from a night out to come home to help me because I wasn't coping (very bad PND). I knew that him going on a night out would involve him often not coming back until the next day wasted and I would get upset before he went out as I knew that would happen. He said this was me being coercive controling. He eventually stopped going out so much but insisted that was because "I didn't allow him" and would tell everyone that, but that wasn't the case.
He claims I would get violent first. He claims I hit him. I never ever hit him. I threw objects at the floor at times and screamed and shouted alot but I never once physically attacked him. He often left me with bruises though. He said that was completely my fault and he was reacting to my abuse. He said he had never had this with other women so it was clearly me. (I was his first long term relationship). He told people I was an abuser.
This person isn't in my life anymore so I guess it doesn't matter.
But was I the abuser?