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Original poster

Why so pervy?

60 replies

Melly78 · 06/09/2023 10:48

So, I'm giving online dating another try. I came out of a six-month relationship two months ago.

Two of the guys I was chatting to before my relationship are back in touch with me.

One of them I really fancied. I actually knew him IRL and had fancied him for years. He saw me on the dating site and asked me out. We went for coffee. I have my nose pierced. After ten minutes, he asked me if I also had my clit pierced. Really? We're having coffee! We're in our forties! Just calm down!

The other one was very very lovely. I didn't really fancy him, but he was a very sweet guy and we had a lot of lovely messages. He's very articulate and kind. I was thinking of giving him a chance because he's so nice. But last night, he wanted to send me a dick pic. We haven't even met. I just don't get it.

Why do these men seem to want to skip the initial stages of a relationship? I've had a couple of long-term relationships and a few shorter ones. The sex comes naturally. When I'm ready. And then I bloody love it! I'm not a prude. Let's have it off as often as we can! But, ffs, why can't they just get to know women first?

Is this the way it is now? Are women willingly accepting dick pics before they've actually seen the dick with their own eyes? If a partner wants to send me a naughty pic when we're in a relationship, I don't mind - it doesn't turn me on, but I wouldn't flip out about it. But why can't they just hold their horses a bit and wait?

I'm worried that I'm just not modern or liberated enough or something. But I just don't like sex unless I like the person and have a bit of a rapport/feelings for them.

Should I give up? Are most women into this new way of going about things?

I mean, dicks are pretty ugly-looking things at the best of times.

Help!

OP posts:
Theredfoxfliesatmidnight · 06/09/2023 17:27

I don't have the spare time to be chatting to men, feeling a bit hopeful, and then getting an eyeful of phone cock before I've even had sip of espresso with them.

Love this!! 😁

Happypotatoman · 09/09/2023 08:04

No wonder happypotatomen strike out on OLD if sensible women believe lies that players tell about relationships and/or put up with unwanted sexual talk.

Don't allow men to lie to you and behave like beasts of the field.

AgnesX · 09/09/2023 08:12

I think for (some) men it's all about sex and they just cut to the chase. The mentality is mind boggling but there are some women who go along with it presumably.

Wear gloves (loved a PP comment about finding a diamond before your hands get too dirty).

fiddlesticksandotherwords · 09/09/2023 08:50

In all my many decades I have never come across any woman who has even the remotest interest in a dick pic, let alone go 'phwoar' when they receive one.

Why do men think that we want to look at their junk? Or is it simply the modern version of flashing?

SamW98 · 09/09/2023 09:04

fiddlesticksandotherwords · 09/09/2023 08:50

In all my many decades I have never come across any woman who has even the remotest interest in a dick pic, let alone go 'phwoar' when they receive one.

Why do men think that we want to look at their junk? Or is it simply the modern version of flashing?

Absolutely. We’re all adults we’ve all seen a dick before and I’ve never known a grown mean to look at a photo of one and think ‘now that’s the dick for me, I’m jumping knickerless in the car and getting me that bad boy now’

And these sleaze balls really don’t think their pics get sent in the group chat for our mates to laugh about 🤫

Original poster
Melly78 · 09/09/2023 22:26

I think what I'm worried about is that I'm so cross I won't accept ANY kind of flirting now. I want to be flirted with... but in a soft way. I'm worried OLD is turning me off any kind of interaction with men. Maybe I just need a little break from it all before I lose the plot.

OP posts:
Buildingthefuture · 10/09/2023 06:37

Having been married for decades, I have fortunately never received a dick pic, but sooooo many of my friends who do OLD have. And, like PPs, I just don’t get it? Has any woman in the world, ever, received said pic and thought “oh yes, he’s the one”??? And, is it just a man thing? Are there women out there who send unsolicited vag shots to men they’ve never met??
A friend earlier in the year had what she thought was a successful first date from OLD. He was polite, they got on well, no sex talk, not even a kiss at the end of the evening, but they arranged to meet again in a few days. The following day she was frankly disturbed to receive a video of him having a wank, complete with the…ending 🤮🤮 It was Mother's day and she was out having afternoon tea with her mother and her children! Just…..vile 🤬🤬🤬

Zenana · 10/09/2023 06:57

Buildingthefuture · 10/09/2023 06:37

Having been married for decades, I have fortunately never received a dick pic, but sooooo many of my friends who do OLD have. And, like PPs, I just don’t get it? Has any woman in the world, ever, received said pic and thought “oh yes, he’s the one”??? And, is it just a man thing? Are there women out there who send unsolicited vag shots to men they’ve never met??
A friend earlier in the year had what she thought was a successful first date from OLD. He was polite, they got on well, no sex talk, not even a kiss at the end of the evening, but they arranged to meet again in a few days. The following day she was frankly disturbed to receive a video of him having a wank, complete with the…ending 🤮🤮 It was Mother's day and she was out having afternoon tea with her mother and her children! Just…..vile 🤬🤬🤬

Was his name Ian?

Darkdiamond · 10/09/2023 06:57

Op please don't feel like you need to apologise for having values or accommodate some man being creepy. It's not about not being liberated or being a prude. It's about being treated with respect and a man wanting to get to you know you, and not just do things to your body.

Si believe that sexual connection should be an offshoot of emotional connection, and conversations about it should be from within the context of already having established a sexual relationship, slowly and organically. Talking about you in a sexual way before you've even got to that point is like going through somebody's cupboards before they've even invited you into their home. It presumes an intimacy that isn't there, and which wouldn't exist without you defining the terms.

There is absolute nothing wrong with wanting a man to treat you respectfully and like a (am I allowed to say this?) gentleman. If there were no gentlemen around then I'd rather be alone.

I'm married now but pervy talk was an instant disqualified when I was dating. If I got the slightest whiff of it, game over. Its just totally gross.

BalletBob · 10/09/2023 07:01

It's disgusting. I believe it's a control thing and it's sexual harassment. They know full well that women don't want a completely unsolicited photo of their crusty old penis, but they get off on the idea of having trampled a woman's boundaries and forced her into a sexual arena that she hasn't consented to being in. They aren't hoping for an enthusiastic response or for her to be turned on. They want her to feel violated and uncomfortable, and they want to know whether she will accept being treated like that.

RE clitoris piercing guy, I might give him the benefit of the doubt if I genuinely thought it was an awkward and misjudged attempt at flirting and if I still fancied him and it hadn't given me the ick. I think personally it would be hard to look past. It's not exactly the hallmark of a guy who's classy, respectful and smooth. But you know better whether it was an out-of-character slip up or not.

Oysterbabe · 10/09/2023 07:08

It's because men are gross and almost everything they do is with a view to getting you to have sex with them. A lot of them can no longer even be bothered to pretend otherwise.

Buildingthefuture · 10/09/2023 07:17

@Zenana i can’t remember. I could identify him from his revoltingly unclean lounge carpet and his very long untrimmed toenails though, since he was kind enough to include both in his video 🤢🤢🤢

Thoughtful2355 · 10/09/2023 07:21

i think the problem is actually more that men dont know what does it for a woman, what turns the majority of them on or off etc where as woman can turn the majority of men on just by breathing near them so sending any type of sexual message or picture will do it for them.

Its frustrating it really is. these men need to learn that no.. a lot of woman ( every single one ive ever spoken to about this) does not get turned on or even interested in a single dick pic because we arnt turned on by the penis.. its what you can do with it and the chemistry we have together and how you make us feel when were around you, that sexual tension Not the body parts you have -_- and actually yes it does give most of us the Ick because its just not pretty

Loubelle70 · 10/09/2023 09:48

Melly78 · 09/09/2023 22:26

I think what I'm worried about is that I'm so cross I won't accept ANY kind of flirting now. I want to be flirted with... but in a soft way. I'm worried OLD is turning me off any kind of interaction with men. Maybe I just need a little break from it all before I lose the plot.

^this sadly

EarthSight · 10/09/2023 10:40

Both these guys have said they want long-term relationships

A lot of them says that because it's the closest they'll get to actual sex. They'll hardly get any women if they say 'just want a shag, I'm desperate' in their profile. It's then confusing for many women when relationships start escalating sexually so quickly, but if they're gagging for it and thinking they have a shot, they'll start showing their true interests pretty quickly.

Then, there are others that really are looking for a long term relationship, but if you don't fit their criteria, you'll be put in the 'good enough for a shag' box and they will behave like this as they don't have as much too lose.

Also don't forget that for men with a bit of dick insecurity, it's safer for them if they send a pic first to get that part over and done with, rather than have to see the dissapointed face of a woman in real life and have to through that humiliation. They see their dick pics as listing a product on eBay - just showing you what the goods look like before you 'buy'.

Zenana · 10/09/2023 16:04

@EarthSight They see their dick pics as listing a product on eBay - just showing you what the goods look like before you 'buy'.

Most women will want a refund.

Lilolilibet · 10/09/2023 16:08

You should hold out for someone more chivalrous if that's what you require. Unfortunately this is the consequence of the anonymity of the Internet and is leading to the downfall of Western civilization.

CinnamonApplePie · 10/09/2023 16:13

Most men, actually, all of them got straight into sex talk or sent a pic of them in their boxers (or in the bath with their pride and joy on show) after 1 or 2 chats. All of them and some were in professional roles at work. I’m 51! No prude but really?!!

NotObligedToArgueWithStrangers · 10/09/2023 16:18

I'd assume it meant they were just looking for a shag by the fastest route possible, not a relationship. Probably why they've been thrown back in the pond. They're are some good ones out there, but I think OLD means you have to be prepared to sift!

ThisWormHasTurned · 10/09/2023 16:39

I was in your position last year. Tried OLD a while after my marriage ended. I’d been with XH for 15 years so I’d never received a DP.
I can confirm that those who escalate things quickly have no intention of a long-term relationship. In fact, they don’t even want to meet the majority of the time! They want to flirt, sext..they don’t want to date. Took me a while to wheedle out these ones but general rule of thumb - guys who want to message on Snapchat (!), say they want to date but they are never free, also sweeping generalisation but guys who live for riding their bikes. I suspect a lot of them are either still in relationships or don’t actually want a relationship at all, it’s just a game to flirt/
I did find a nice bloke in the end. My Dad commented about ‘how easily’ I’d found him…he was the 6th bloke I went out with…
but Bumble keeps track of how many conversations that you start and it was 40+. I also tried Hinge and for a brief time, Tinder (definitely worse)! I did take a break at times. It can be brutal! There’s some good uns out there but they’re rare and you have to rummage through the crap ones to find them!

EarthSight · 10/09/2023 16:53

@ThisWormHasTurned Tried Hinge. Couldn't find a lot of men my own age on there, and the ones that did claim they were my age looked at least a decade older.

Then I changed my own age briefly to 25.....and lo & behold! They they all were. Men my own age lying about their age so they could try and bag a woman in her mid 20s. :/

Sayut · 10/09/2023 17:18

There was an article in a paper magazine yesterday about a man in his mid 40’s going on dates etc with his daughters guiding him etc. One of his comments was along the lines of.

She was asking me lots of questions when all I wanted to know was what type of Knickers she has on!

Sums it up for me.

Loubelle70 · 10/09/2023 18:58

EarthSight · 10/09/2023 16:53

@ThisWormHasTurned Tried Hinge. Couldn't find a lot of men my own age on there, and the ones that did claim they were my age looked at least a decade older.

Then I changed my own age briefly to 25.....and lo & behold! They they all were. Men my own age lying about their age so they could try and bag a woman in her mid 20s. :/

Yes...ive heard this. My friend did this few years ago. And exactly same happened her. She met her present OH not on OLD lol

leighqt · 10/09/2023 19:01

Because all they are after is sex, if someone sends you a dick pic he has laid his cards on the table

SamW98 · 10/09/2023 19:07

CinnamonApplePie · 10/09/2023 16:13

Most men, actually, all of them got straight into sex talk or sent a pic of them in their boxers (or in the bath with their pride and joy on show) after 1 or 2 chats. All of them and some were in professional roles at work. I’m 51! No prude but really?!!

Oh I’ve had a whole gallery of the in the bath with a few bubbles covering their bits. And the one where a bloke took a naked selfie, not low enough to see his dick but the reflection of his bare arse in the mirror.

And these are men in their 50’s as well

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