I give blokes the wrong impression

[KatyKopykat]

Well my ex said so. I'm a football fan and often have some in depth discussions about it, music too on occasion. I'll chat to people on public transport if a conversation arises naturally but don't expect to see them again.

My ex said this can be construed as flirting. I think it's nonsense. I don't talk about anything else but the topic, never about personal things and I really am useless at flirting. I don't see how football chat translates into I want to get jiggy with you.

Your ex was controlling but a lot of men do think they’re in with a chance if you so much as smile at them. I get this all the time….creepy men thinking I like them because I chatted to them on a dog walk.

Yes ive had that. Some men think i must be interested, honestly im not lol..theyre honestly not all that. I talk to everyone and i tell them that if they get wrong idea. I hate that entitlement.

I think the point was that none of the men op catted to about mutual interests were creepy/delusional by the sounds of it.

And even if they had been, that would be on them, not op.

He ex is a posessive, controlling loon who wanted to change her for the worse, she's well rid.

I'm exactly the same as you !! Sadly for me I managed to get into a relationship with a similar man when I was very young and he succeeded in getting me to stop talking to men.

^ this

I mean aside from the fact these were innocent conversations and it wasn't the case in this instance, there are those who are hiding something while having normal conversations but don't appear creepy. That's still on them and not the woman's fault but still a risk to the woman who may be none the wiser.

I've come across a few that everyone adored and had been before I knew them. One would talk to anyone, do anything for anyone, softly spoken and all the women thought he was a sweet boy. Only, when I eventually went out with the guys there was a dark and dangerous side to that one, which apparently all the other guys knew about the entire time but, you know, lads. Needless to say once the women friends I had figured I wasn't so keen and then heard it for themselves they all steered clear from then on.

So I wouldn't say don't talk to that guy but sometimes it's a case of, I know more that's shown to you when it's just guys around than on the surface to women and that's the only time I would maybe say be wary.

Relationship wise I wouldn't dictate, I actually had that done against me and I lost all my friends male and female. I fell into that abusive trap hard... and that's what OP ex was doing, prepping.

Of course it’s not the fault of women that men wrongly attribute talking for flirting but I’m afraid until the feminist revolution, the reptilian dick-focussed morons will think that it is. Just because truth is on her side does not make her safe.

I would happily tell her controlling boyfriend to go fuck himself with his misogynist views but my point is if op chooses to blithely go around happily talking to random men about music and football and indicating exactly where they can find her at these venues, then she will also have to blithely handle how men in 2023 have been socialised to recognise that sort of communication from young women.

We need to educate and dismantle patriarchal ideas on a grand scale before this is just seen as innocent idle time-wasting chit chat. Or she could talk to middle aged women instead. We would happily chat to her and most of us would expect no sex. (A hug at most.)

if op chooses to blithely go around happily talking to random men about music and football and indicating exactly where they can find her at these venues

Isn't one of them (the music and venue one) her work colleague?!

It sounds like her bf was at the gig and her work colleague knew she had a bf and was going with him. .... So only the most bizarrely delusional man would think she wanted to hook up with him, and it sounds like he is well adjusted and did not think that, as one would expect.

I'm not sure how she got chatting to the people about football etc.
But I've had random conversations start with men on trains .... Sober middle aged men with their sons returning from football matches, a bit down in the mouth cause they lost and had brief, civil conversations about football and various things. They said bye, safe home etc politely and that was that; because they were normal well adjusted men.

As the ones talking to op probably were. And even if they weren't, it's wouldnt be op's fault or responsibility.

Very strange victim Blamey (not that anything happened) esque post, making out op's behaviour is risky or something when it doesn't sound that way at all.

Her bf is a controlling weirdo and was making something out of nothing, because he doesn't like her being comfortable talking to the opposite sex ... because in his head being comfortable talking to the opposite sex will make her more likely to.cheat on him or leave him. He wants her closed off, not talking to any men. Because he sees every man and a threat, and because he thinks every man is always trying to fuck any woman they give the time of day .... Because he wouldn't give a woman the time of day without trying to fuck her.

It's like men who are always accusing their partners of cheating ... Because they cheat or would chest at the drop of a hat.

Let's not let the scumbags of society dictate our interactions & make the rules eh.
Most people are fairly decent, many men do not think any woman speaking civilly to them wants to suck their dick; how depressing would it be to judge everyone by the mostal.adjusted, sleazy, dumb members of society.

*mal adjusted

I grew up in a street opposite a football stadium and my whole family are fans of the club. My ex H and my DS are season ticket holders so I’ve probably got more interest than the average female in football - or more specifically my team.

I’ve often been on the train home after night out and got chatting to men on their way home from a match. Not just because they’re men but tbh the train is about 99% male supporters on a match day.
I’ve even been to a few games and just randomly spoken to someone sitting opposite - it’s not flirting at all it’s being interested in the game.

I actually had that done against me and I lost all my friends male and female. I fell into that abusive trap hard... and that's what OP ex was doing, prepping

Yep.

No coincidence he was going on about her underwear as well.

And I said, sounds in the realm of the young woman on here who was being inspected by her bf before leaving the house, and ended up wearing loose boxers in an attempt to pacify him, but he just moved onto something else.

Men like this are sick in the head.

I don't think we need posters implying op is too open or naive etc. It's feeding into his narrative. I'm sure she's capable of judging who she can have a nice convo with and she shouldn't be made not be her outgoing, friendly, chatty, passionate about footie and music self .... Because she's femaie.

What a freak you were with.

Take his opinions on ANYTHING with a grain of salt.

I dont like the 'victim blaming', or dissolving men of the responsibility of being entitled dicks...just because a woman talks to men......and everyone else. A woman should be able to be exactly who she is without even thinking that she shouldn't speak to men incase they think she fancies them(or indeed changing how she acts around men)..or that they're in there. Its ludicrous. The issue is the patriarchy, male entitlement , misogyny and sexism etc. A woman should be able to talk friendly to anyone without any nonsense from men.

I think he did think that. He told me how he got "opportunities" from women when he was out walking the dog, at the filling station, in the pub and so on. They were probably just making conversation the same way I was.

Oh hello Carl 🙄

I think your ex was telling you two things:

1. He didn't like you talking to other men.

1. Some men (as a PP said) assume that ANY attention they get from a female is some sort of 'come on'.

I can talk football all day every day and go to many matches. I'm always chatting to men at the stadium / on the train, 9 times out of 10 they start the conversations, we chat about the match and then go on with our day. I hope they're not all walking away thinking I was coming onto them...

Sober middle aged men with their sons returning from football matches, a bit down in the mouth cause they lost and had brief, civil conversations about football and various things. They said bye, safe home etc politely and that was that; because they were normal well adjusted men

Sorry, just to add - on that occasion it was mostly middle aged men, but I've had convos with all ages ... So it's not a young person thing to think making conversation about shared interests (or anything) is some kind of come on, as at least one poster seems to be claiming.

It's just a dickhead thing.

Whoever went on up the thread about merrily talking to random men about football and telling them about a music venue:

The music night was a discussion at work. As in "doing much this weekend?" "Yes going to X" "I go there a lot have some good bands on" And then back to doing the technical stuff.

Random men and football: It was actually the ex who struck up conversations with people, mostly men, in pubs and bars that he didn't know. I would join in and discuss football if it naturally occurred. Often so I was actually included. I wouldn't see him and say "I've been talking to Tom dick and Harry about football when you weren't there".

Like an earlier poster I'll chat to fans on the way home from games. I go regularly with a male friend now. Nothing between us.

Once we were out and bumped into the male half of a couple we know in the street and had a chat. He was convinced this guy fancied me and gave me a hard time later grumbling that I was attention seeking in front of him.

From my (male) POV your ex's attitude is highly unusual and quite unpleasant, really. From the situations you describe, I would never take anything you said to be flirting in any way, unless it was backed up, as a PP said, with body language or some other indicator. I think most men are able to talk to women without thinking it will lead to something, and your ex's apparent obsession with it is definitely a him problem!

No there was no body language that would be considered a come on, I talk to people in the same way whoever they are.

It was absolutely ridiculous (and disturbing really) that op has had to defend herself against at a poster claiming she "blithely" goes around chatting to "randoms" and needs to learn how to deal with the consequences; that (according to him/her) young people use chatting about shared interests to chat people up.

She wasn't blithe. They weren't randoms.
And young people chat about shared interests with both people they might be romantically or sexually interested in .... And people they are not. As do all ages of people.

If a certain type of man takes chatting about shared interests and general friendliness and civility as a come on ... That's a reflection of them being mal adjusted & delusional, and is not the responsibility of the other person who's only being friendly and exercising a fairly basic and harmless trait of humans to communicate, discuss and find common ground.

In any case, it doesn't sound like any male the op "blithely" - wtf - spoke to took it the wrong way. It was only her ex bf who read things into the interaction that were not there on either side.

Because her ex bf has serious issues. A deeply unhealthy, poorly adjusted, posessive, insecure, jealous, controlling person.

Unfortunately I know all about men like that, having suffered one for 13 months.

And I had many similar incidents ... Where I literally could not speak to another man, with the ex often present and sometimes the other man's partner present without being accused of giving them the impression I was available/interested, without it being seen as inappropriate towards him.

They are nut jobs and there is no changing them. They don't want their partner to function like a normal, free human being, they want them in a box.

Dealing with their "greivances" criticisms, demands, dealing with the stress of it is a type of abuse, ahd is detrimental to your me ral health, and ultimately perhaps that has a knock on effect for your physical health too. They are not fit to be partners. I'm glad you're out op, please jerk it that way.

Keep, not jerk lol.

Though he is one

Keep up being friendly and drying your washing on the line OP.

The more women talk to men about football and music the more the world will realise than men and women can be friends without having sex whether their knickers are dried in public or not.

Absolutely 100% this!! Two fingers up to the doubters...you know your intentions, theyre honourable..youre not responsible for mens perceptions...its THEIR perceptions not your OP. You shine, talk to whomever you like!