Bipolar husband cheating...help!

[Threesandones]

Hi everyone,

I'm a little embarrassed to share my story with anyone close yet so I'm here to pick up some advice.

I have been with my husband for 11 years and we got married 1 year ago. 3 years ago my husband got diagnosed with bipolar after a psychotic manic episode and was hospitalised for 3 weeks. He was then after diagnosed with bipolar as he has also suffered with depression in the past. Since the hospitalisation he has been fine with some depression but we have always lived a happy life with our 2 children. For the last 2 month however, he has come up again and is now manic (in denial but not psychotic).

Last week i noticed he changed the password on his phone, which I thought was really odd because I have always known it. It made me dig through his instagram, facebook and emails (which i know the passwords for). I found him messaging 2 women. The first is an old school friend from 15 year plus ago. He has been saying things like shall we go to Amsterdam together? I think we could have a lot of fun.

The next is with a women I think he has met on Instagram. Telling her how hot she is, asking for phone calls. I have been snooping hard and today realised they had their first phone call via Instagram. I think he is going to ask to her to meet up . Which only means 1 thing to me.im keeping a close eye on his Instagram page. I confronted him last night about about the pin on his phone and he got really defensive saying its because the kids are always downloading things on my phone and I have a track record of going through his phone in the past ( he cheated in the first 2 years of our relationship) I left and had my own fun and we then came back together. 9 years on I thought we were stronger than ever.

If I find out he actually sleeps with someone I want him to leave. Do I confront him now. He will get angry I'm sure! Or should I keep snooping to see how much evidence I can get? If he exchanges numbers with the women I won't be able to see much more as I can't work out his password!

Can I also mention a symptom of mania in a bipolar person is risky behaviour, for example: having sex outside of relationships, gambling etc.

Would would you all do???? I'm going mad checking his socials 24/7. Trying to see his password. Argh!!!!!

Thanks in advance xxxxxxx

Why do you have to sit and wait for him to sleep with someone before you leave? Seriously just leave. Would you contemplate ever doing stuff like this to him? If not why not? Think about what you would expect him to put up with and what you are willing to out up with seriously.

Also I can see you're trying to blame the mental illness. But he's lying and getting defensive he doesn't respect you.

You have all the info you need to leave. I don’t see why him having bi polar makes a difference, you can have bi polar and be a cheating w#nker. I know several people with bi polar and none have cheated on their partners. Yes they like to take risks but it’s not something you should have to put up with just because of his diagnosis.

Was he mentally unwell when he cheated the first time? Sorry op. I’d lose all respect for him.

Can I also mention a symptom of mania in a bipolar person is risky behaviour, for example: having sex outside of relationships, gambling etc

That doesn't mean that the disorder is always to blame for the cheating though. He cheated just 2 years into your relationship, he is always going to be a cheat.

Problem is that risky sexual behaviour is a common symptom of mania. Aside from how you feel about his infidelity (if you can put this aside) can you get him to take his meds? This is the best way to stop the activity and for him to get into a place where he is able to properly discuss and resolve the terrible way he is behaving to you.

Thank you for your reply! He won't take Meds at all no. Hands down refuses.

i cant stand being around him right now because of the mania! And this is just making everything worse and worse.

First of all, stop with the hunting. You have enough. Your bar should be much higher.

i actually do have a lot of experience with this. Husband wasn’t diagnosed with bipolar until a while back but before this, when he tried to entertain women it was completely out of this world, detached shit he’d say. It got too far. You’ll feel gaslit to hell and back when he finds out what you know. But there’s a chance he probably doesn’t recall some of it, or why. Could be out the cheaters handbook but it comes with bipolar too. You won’t ever really know what is the truth.

If he’s not going to medicate and actually sort his shit out, then THATs enough to leave right now. he isn’t taking any responsibility. Life is too short. You don’t have to live like that.

It's such a difficult illness because if you are Ill (manic) you don't think you are ill because you feel so well.

I don't know of any way of getting someone down from a manic high other than antipsychotic meds. Without these it will pass in time but it may be a very long time.

Can you go to the GP and ask them for help?
I realise this isn't answering your issue about infidelity but really you can't begin to address that until he is sane again.

I've changed my username for this; I have experience of this myself with my husband. He has bipolar and I have seen him in a manic episode. He lost all sense of reality and totally worshiped me but he was also texting other women and was absolutely over-the-top friendly with everyone. He did not sleep with anyone as far as I know but the messages I read were upsetting.
He ended up sectioned and on a high dose of medication. I eventually left him, but returned on the condition that he take his medication as prescribed, attended all his appointments and was completely open with everything.
He has stuck to this pretty well, although I was worried he was becoming manic earlier this summer, we managed to avert an episode though as his medication was upped after I noticed and got him help. He wasn't happy about this because the mania is a high, he was extra happy and did not want to give up this feeling.
Your husband needs to get on medication immediately, which is easier said than done. It can take a few weeks to get into his system. Once he's on, he needs to stay on it. My husband has been on a really low dose for a couple of years, the condition is easier to control if he stays on medication. My husband has managed to turn things around and has a good job and things are a bit smoother currently (touch wood!).
However, I have found it is a very difficult life being with someone with bipolar. For us, there are ups and downs. It's especially hard when he doesn't want to take his meds or wants to reduce. I will always be on edge for another mania and the downs are very hard to cope with too as he withdraws and becomes resentful towards me. I am still pretty traumatised from the last episode.
It sounds like your husband has hypersexuality, which is common in bipolar. He won't really know what he's doing, but he will realise when he comes out of this. Whilst he clearly is not thinking straight at the moment, you should not have to put up with poor behaviour. His actions will still have consequences and he will most likely deeply regret things if he loses his family. It's the worst thing and I really send you my best wishes.

Is this any way to live ?

Be honest with him! Tell him his mania is about to cost him his family. Yes you make bad decisions when manic but you still know right from wrong and you don't have to cheat. Don't stay because "he can't help it" he can't help the mania but he can be loyal and you should not suffer just because he's got a diagnosis you are valuable person too

Thing is you really don't know right from wrong when you are manic.

Why would you marry someone you had to monitor for cheating?

@Threesandones
Are you willing to be with a man for whom you have to be the cheating monitor? Perhaps, he is not the on one with a problem. He is seeking someone with whom he can cheat. What are you seeking by playing Sherlock?

Is this the life that you are willing to accept. You can't fix him and he is unwilling to fix himself. As long as you are willing to live under the current circumstances, you have made your choice.

Bang on! I have bi polar, luckily no episodes for years. However even when bad, I've never cheated..tbh i havent time when on a manic...i just want to clean, organise, over chat etc...the depression i stay in and wouldn't have energy. Mental illness is no excuse for cheating. Hes cheating, albeit only emotionally atm (possibly? If he hasnt slept with any woman OP doesn't know about). Its crappy behaviour, he knows it, OP knows it, have it out with him now. He wants his cake and eat it tbh, mrs at home doing wifey stuff then other women to have fun with...if hes organising all this hes not having an episode because this obvs been going on for a while. I wouldn't trust him no matter what now anyway after these 2 women. Believe me, i had it with an ex, i gave him chance after chance, he gave me promises that he constantly broke. It destroyed me. Get rid.

I have bipolar II, unmedicated for years and I've never cheated on anyone ever.

Honestly, short of full blown psychosis, I'm not sure I'd excuse bipolar as an excuse for cheating.

At the very least, he should have known he was becoming ill and seen a doctor. It's just selfish.

Thank you for your reply, its good to hear someone who really understands the situation.

After the first episode when he was sectioned he did take the medication for a few months but he absolutely hated the side affects, broke his wrist from falling, drooling, slurred speech, constant sleeping etc. He refused to try any more. Before his diagnosis he was totally anti meds for any kind of condition anyway.

I tried a few times over the past few weeks to have a conversation about him being manic but the thing is he is in total denial. And I am the devil for thinking this. He thinks he's well and just really happy and driven at the moment. He recently got a new, really great job which he has desired for so long.

He is still going to work and doing a great job, he is getting little sleep, got masses of energy, passionate about making money and obviously has the hypersexuality too.

I don't know qhwre to go from here or what to do, I really don't.

It's so hard to be around him right now all I want him to do is fuck off because he's making me so upset but at the same time I still feel the need to keep an eye on him.

I might sound weak but this is my truth right now :(

Thanks for taking time to listen x

Thanks for your honesty. He doesn't see it, he doesn't see he's manic. He's showing all of the signs and I know for a fact he is in the mania phase.

I recently broke up with someone I'd dated for three years because his borderline personality disorder symptoms were too severe and he refused to get treatment.

I eventually accepted that my job isn't to keep him well. I'm not responsible for him.

You need to do the same. There has to be a consequence for him to seek treatment. Otherwise it's enabling.

He doesn't think he's manic at all! He thinks exactly what you said, he's fine and feels amazing.

Any mention of it and I'm in the wrong, negative and never want him to cure.

Thanks for your honesty, was an eye-opener when you said enabling. 👍

If he’s not going to medicate and actually sort his shit out, then THATs enough to leave right now.

Seconded. I'm really sorry, but "in sickness and in health" does kind of presuppose the sick person will do everything possible to reduce the burden on their spouse.

Everyone I've known with bipolar - two of them with utterly spectacular (and devastating) manic behaviours - was aware of their condition once they'd been diagnosed. That doesn't mean they were in control of it, only that they recognised the symptoms. I've got very minimal sympathy for your H being "in denial". It's more likely he feels so good that he doesn't care how much damage he causes.

You can't stop him; his brain's misfiring.

I'm sure there's a lot to love about your marriage, but this is too high a price. And what about your DC growing up to feel relationships should be insecure, unreliable and unpredictable rollercoasters?

This could have been me writing this a few years ago. Have you tried calling your local mental health crisis team? They can support you and make suggestions. I have found them helpful. Unfortunately, you can't do anything for him and he will be resistant to suggestions of medication.
You must stop being embarrassed and speak to people in your network. You will be the devil for suggesting he's ill, but his friends must have noticed a change and can someone persuade him? Getting other people involved stops you being so alone, does he have parents or family who can intervene?
My husband became poorly in lockdown so I was very isolated. I tried everything to get help but he would hide things so well from the professionals. In the end, I realised that the only thing that I could control was how much I put up with. For my own self-preservation, I walked out. It was awful, but within a week or so of trying to cope, he was sectioned.
He won't listen to logic at the moment and will probably remain high if you do leave or ask him to go, but he will very likely come down and regret things.
I am afraid that I would not be able to stay quiet about the texts you've found. You do not need to put up with that rubbish. If he gets cross and leaves, then maybe he will sort himself out or things will come to a climax and he will need hospital treatment, that's what I had to wait for. Is there anyone he can stay with?

I’m Bipolar. This will be outing. I experienced hyper sexuality with my one and only manic episode. I had zero, and I mean zero control over my raging libido and would have done anything for sex - with almost anyone. Nine times a day was common. I was completely reckless. The shame, guilt and trauma still impacts me after 6 years and I’m left with a broken life as a result and PTSD. It’s true that he really can’t help it in my experience and sectioning is the safest route.