Bipolar husband cheating...help!

[Threesandones]

Hi everyone,

I'm a little embarrassed to share my story with anyone close yet so I'm here to pick up some advice.

I have been with my husband for 11 years and we got married 1 year ago. 3 years ago my husband got diagnosed with bipolar after a psychotic manic episode and was hospitalised for 3 weeks. He was then after diagnosed with bipolar as he has also suffered with depression in the past. Since the hospitalisation he has been fine with some depression but we have always lived a happy life with our 2 children. For the last 2 month however, he has come up again and is now manic (in denial but not psychotic).

Last week i noticed he changed the password on his phone, which I thought was really odd because I have always known it. It made me dig through his instagram, facebook and emails (which i know the passwords for). I found him messaging 2 women. The first is an old school friend from 15 year plus ago. He has been saying things like shall we go to Amsterdam together? I think we could have a lot of fun.

The next is with a women I think he has met on Instagram. Telling her how hot she is, asking for phone calls. I have been snooping hard and today realised they had their first phone call via Instagram. I think he is going to ask to her to meet up . Which only means 1 thing to me.im keeping a close eye on his Instagram page. I confronted him last night about about the pin on his phone and he got really defensive saying its because the kids are always downloading things on my phone and I have a track record of going through his phone in the past ( he cheated in the first 2 years of our relationship) I left and had my own fun and we then came back together. 9 years on I thought we were stronger than ever.

If I find out he actually sleeps with someone I want him to leave. Do I confront him now. He will get angry I'm sure! Or should I keep snooping to see how much evidence I can get? If he exchanges numbers with the women I won't be able to see much more as I can't work out his password!

Can I also mention a symptom of mania in a bipolar person is risky behaviour, for example: having sex outside of relationships, gambling etc.

Would would you all do???? I'm going mad checking his socials 24/7. Trying to see his password. Argh!!!!!

Thanks in advance xxxxxxx

I have bipolar II and hyper sexuality is definitely a symptom for lots of people, which isn’t his fault, but the decision not to take meds is! I get it re. side effects but he needs to give it six weeks, that is roughly how long it takes the worst of them to wear off in my experience. I’d make medication, therapy, exercise, supplements, doing all he can to control his illness, a condition of continuing this marriage.

He won't take medication, so I would leave him. I can't be doing with that kind of thing.

Does he have a CPN or is open to psychiatry? I think you need to consider alerting the medics to be honest. This would be especially important if this behaviour is out of character for him in all the time you have known him. Tell him this is what you are going to do. Then if it is established his mood is normal then just act as you would if he was cheating on you.

Yes, I was there a couple times, never knew why i was so 'productive?' ... Until i got used to the signs it was coming on. Although i understand the hypersexual side, tbh if i was ermmm feeling funky id have sex with the fella at the time...never Anyone else. Its no excuse OP. Xx

Even in my mania and depression i knew i was hurting people(not infidelity), so i sought help..the issue us that he hasnt done this. Meds with BP are difficult to get right..i had all symptoms like your OH had ... Falling asleep, drooling, wooly head the lot..but the medical professionals will change your meds if causing issues..and i was put on better meds. Does he see the crisis team? CPN?

There’s no doubt in my mind that my husband , when not having his episodes, was aware he had been hurting others. When he was diagnosed I know he was very honest with the mental health team , even though it was horrendously embarrassing, he acknowledged how horrific it was and he didn’t want to be like that. He was also diagnosed with autism so it’s been quite the bombshell for us.

the medication has made a very clear difference. He is focused in a great job now, and I’ve only seen one day he’s been a total wank to me, it was very very obvious and I realised he forgot his meds that day.

It’s getting to that point that’s the problem. But OP does not have to accept it because of bipolar. If OP doesn’t think there is a positive future and a chance of her partner getting help, it’s better to run.

^ this

You should leave.

If he is currently manic then it is possible that this is making his behaviour worse (but I mean mania does not make people cheat on people the thought has to be there) but either way he refuses to treat his bipolar and therefore refuses to take responsibility for his behaviour.

Leave now. It wont change and will only get worse. Save yourself more trauma while you can. You don't have to accept disrespect because of someone's mental health.

You say that your husband was diagnosed bipolar but is he medicated? Risk taking of all kinds is classic bipolar and hypersexuality is one of the main symptoms. There are 2 schools of thought on this : either it is just cheating, using bipolar as an excuse thus quite unacceptable or it is an impulse that is too strong to ignore created by the illness. As you say, mania includes a search for thrills which are often very destructive.

Being partner to a bipolar sufferer is never easy. Being needed as the primary support person whilst putting up with being mistreated is only possible if you have a deep knowledge of the disability. symptoms.

https://www.youtube.com/shorts/C9mBny1K7HM

Sorry, she is American but she is the best !

My son has a severe MH condition and doesn’t think he needs meds so my sympathies go out to you @Threesandones

I don’t see your relationship as a survivable one long term if he refuses to be medicated ever for this condition and this is how your life will be for the rest of his life with you. Do you want another 5, 10, 20 plus years of this?

Yes I believe mania goes with risk taking and promiscuity. Exactly why I'd never attempt a relationship with someone who is bipolar, let alone marry them. It's a shame you ever went back with him.
Will he still be manic if you say you are leaving him, or would he get depressed about it? Is he taking his meds? Sometimes people like the mania so stop taking their meds then, perpetuating it.

Someone who struggles with mental illness and will not take medication is not a fit person to be in a stable, loving relationship.
I am not saying mentally ill people can’t be in relationships i myself have depression and ptsd, and I take my meds, and I go to therapy.

he’s refusing meds- that right there would have me end it for good.

You can say I know you don’t want to consider medication and you’re really happy right now. You need to know that if you cheat on me we are over. Done.

You mentioned that he was in denial. Does that mean that he is unmedicated. If so, this is the ultimate disrespect. You don't mention whether the subject has been brought up at all but anyone looking into another person'ss phone can expect ructions.

Why do you want to wait hes emotionally cheated already, ask him to leave, he will do this for the rest of your life, why you went back after he cheated I don't know.

This is such a hard situation, one that I have some experience of. For now, you need to make it clear that you're seeing mania, he needs to trust you on that, and he needs to take steps to protect your relationship. Enlist help from close friends/family if you can - secrecy is just another burden. Tell him you want him to seek immediate help, take meds at least temporarily (to persuade him), to stop contact with these women, give you access to his phone and agree to no sudden trips/socialising that give you cause for concern. All in order to protect your relationship. Make it clear that he has joint responsibility for your relationship and that you will leave him if he has an emotional or physical affair. If he gaslights you, tells you it's your problem, you're unreasonable etc, do what you can to stay calm and remind him that you've seen him like this before and you're trying to prevent damage to both your lives.

The trouble is his judgement is clouded and his appetite for mania-fuelled experiences is ramped up. But until he's in full blown psychosis, he should be able to see that he is hurting you. Remind him he may be heading towards psychosis and that will affect his job as well as his personal life.

Long term, if you get through this, when he's come down from the high, I'd suggest relationship counselling with a view to establishing a behaviour contract (which would probably include taking maintenance meds), a plan of what to do each time there's an episode, and very clear agreement on what constitutes inappropriate behaviour (eg seeking new friendships with women when high). He needs to explore (ideally in his own therapy) how he can monitor his own condition and behaviour - it's not up to you to police this. You may agree to help him monitor it in extreme situations, but you need to know he's doing everything he can - again, that would probably include maintenance meds. If he's not willing to engage, then he doesn't value your relationship enough and that's your answer.

Look after yourself OP, I'm so sorry, it's a crap situation.

Properly medicated, he will most likely be able to control his urges.

Zombie thread