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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

My partner is being a bastard.

30 replies

CriticalAlert · 05/09/2023 16:38

Been together 30+ years. He's started a new job after living off me for the last 10 years. He had to get a job. It's been nothing but moaning and tension for 3 months.
He said that my job will be to do everything in the flat. The lot. I'm 70. He's on leave for 2 weeks and he is now depressed. He tells me he's going to cut his throat, then he's going to set fire to the flat. He's been putting me down dreadfully. Said that I had a significant double chin and should get plastic surgery. He told me I don't think if others. When I dared retort wth 'I asked the (obviously tired looking woman) if she wanted my seat ' - as an example of me not being selfish. He replied in a whining voice 'That was silly. You were older than her'.
He'll start to scream and shout at me for nothing. But it's my fault he's depressed. I can't actually stand this any longer. He's got me jumping at my own shadow and he says he is scared of me. He's been in bed all day now. When he gets up it will be screaming at me again. He actually told me today that I don't have the confidence to do things. I think he wants me dead. He despises me and says he loves me. I'm actually terrified of him.

OP posts:
Bananalanacake · 05/09/2023 17:02

Call the police and get them to remove him. Say you are in fear for your life.
I really hope you want to end this relationship. It's good you are not married.

Cas112 · 05/09/2023 17:04

You need to leave the house or ring the police to remove him

AttilaTheMeerkat · 05/09/2023 17:06

I would get the police to remove him and from that get an occupation order.

I would also urge you to contact Womens Aid; they can and will help also. Do not make this man's abuse of you the main feature of the rest of your days.

Bananalanacake · 05/09/2023 17:15

Forgot to ask, do you jointly own the property or is he on the tenancy, but if you are scared of him being violent you must still call the police.

AgnesX · 05/09/2023 17:21

You're 70, what age is he?

Regardless look at your options. Difficult I know if you've been together for 30 years but it's never too late to leave.

MrsMoastyToasty · 05/09/2023 17:22

He's abusive.
End of story.

Throwawayme · 05/09/2023 17:23

Oh love, phone the police and tell him to leave. You shouldn't be scared in your own home

LilyJessie · 05/09/2023 17:25

I'm so sorry to read this my love, what an awful situation.

Definitely scary to leave, but you know you need too.

I hope you have family or friends to support you.

Xx

WeeOrcadian · 05/09/2023 18:29

What's the living situation? Is the flat in joint names?

Aside - next time he's being abusive (yes - he's an abusive cunt), call the police. And then every time after that.
Stop letting him make your life miserable, you deserve better.

Findyourneutralspace · 05/09/2023 18:33

You know this isn’t right, and it sounds downright dangerous. I’m pretty sure if he can hold a job down he isn’t like this at work.
Call WA or your local domestic abuse team. You deserve to feel safe in your own home, whether it’s this one or another one.

billy1966 · 05/09/2023 18:36

He is abusive.

Is it your home?

Ring the police and ask for him to be removed.

Tell them that he is threatening you.

Ring Women's aid.

Help yourself.

If he doesn't own part of the house, he has no right to be there.

Original poster
CriticalAlert · 05/09/2023 18:58

I don't have anyone to help me. He got up an hour ago. Said he wanted to go for a walk and would I go. Like a fool I did. Went to a local garden which was empty as he knew it would be! Then he was at me again. I was trying to reason with him but everything I said was banal, telling me that I wasn't his intellectual equivalent. I said nothing. Then he went off and said that was the last I would see if him. I assume he means he's going to kill himself. I don't know what to do! This is emotional blackmail or he's really going to commit suicide. He said I can't phone the police because he'll lose his job. I don't know what to do. I'm worried sick now.

OP posts:
NeverDropYourMooncup · 05/09/2023 19:05

CriticalAlert · 05/09/2023 18:58

I don't have anyone to help me. He got up an hour ago. Said he wanted to go for a walk and would I go. Like a fool I did. Went to a local garden which was empty as he knew it would be! Then he was at me again. I was trying to reason with him but everything I said was banal, telling me that I wasn't his intellectual equivalent. I said nothing. Then he went off and said that was the last I would see if him. I assume he means he's going to kill himself. I don't know what to do! This is emotional blackmail or he's really going to commit suicide. He said I can't phone the police because he'll lose his job. I don't know what to do. I'm worried sick now.

Honestly? I'd cross my fingers and hope that he's not bullshitting. He probably is, though.

cocksstrideintheevening · 05/09/2023 19:06

Well he's an abusive cunt. How old is he?

Has. He always been like this?

Can you call womens aid?

flyingsaucersandjellybeans · 05/09/2023 19:08

Please leave or get him removed, this is no way to live your life and as hard as it would be to separate, you deserve a better life then putting up with his behaviour

neilyoungismyhero · 05/09/2023 19:09

Are you sure he's not in the throes of dementia? Mood swings, irrational behaviour depression....although by the sounds of it he won't thank you for mentioning your concerns.

80s · 05/09/2023 19:17

If he lost his job it would be because of his behaviour. Could well be dementia but you still need protecting from him. Phone Women's Aid and ask for advice, e.g. tell them your fears about calling the police.

Octosaurus · 05/09/2023 19:35

CriticalAlert · 05/09/2023 18:58

I don't have anyone to help me. He got up an hour ago. Said he wanted to go for a walk and would I go. Like a fool I did. Went to a local garden which was empty as he knew it would be! Then he was at me again. I was trying to reason with him but everything I said was banal, telling me that I wasn't his intellectual equivalent. I said nothing. Then he went off and said that was the last I would see if him. I assume he means he's going to kill himself. I don't know what to do! This is emotional blackmail or he's really going to commit suicide. He said I can't phone the police because he'll lose his job. I don't know what to do. I'm worried sick now.

So let him kill himself. He's a c*nt

Thoughtful2355 · 05/09/2023 19:35

Please do leave, it's never to late to feel happiness and peace

Lavenderosa · 05/09/2023 20:05

I've been in a similar situation - verbal abuse, threats of suicide, threats of torching the house, making himself the victim and me the cause. It's utter hell and I feel so sorry for you. You know it's not sustainable to live like this so perhaps you're making plans to leave the situation but it isn't easy when you're scared and emotionally drained. A solicitor helped me enormously with all the practicalities and if it happened to me now, I'd be contacting Women's Aid too. Something else I'd do is to leave my phone recording his screaming and threats. It probably wouldn't help you legally but when you play it back, it might strengthen your resolve to escape from this torture and build the life you deserve. Look after yourself. xx

Ýsette · 05/09/2023 20:43

Call the police next time and say you are vunerable then change the locks

Anna8089 · 20/09/2023 15:36

Its at least a 3 month waiting list just to get an appointment with womans aid. If anyone can advise other charity or company that would be great thanks.

Velvian · 20/09/2023 15:39

Call the police. I don't think he'll have the job much longer if he's just started and already signed off.

LaurieFairyCake · 20/09/2023 15:56

Yeah, he's not keeping that job

Call the police. Leave him, get him out Flowers

Epidote · 20/09/2023 22:41

Call 911 tell them that Mr however is threatening to kill himself give them his mobile number and call the police saying the same and that you are scared. They will take care if he is in a real MH crisis and they will take care if he is just an abusive arse.

He is not going to keep the job anyway with that actitud.

Is the house yours? Are you married? If the answer to the first is yes and to the second is no. It will be much easier to remove him form your life.
If not things will be more complicated but not impossible.

And the most important part keep yourself safe and sound. You are not responsible of his action.