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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Partner having emotional affair

44 replies

ls6879 · 05/09/2023 15:02

I think I already know the answer to this but I desperately need some advice.

My partner and I have been together for 10 years. He had a physical affair 2 years ago with a woman from work, when we had a 1 year old DD. I was distraught and ended things, but after a few months I decided to give him a second chance. Fast forward 2 years later, we now have another DD, 5 months old, and I found out he’s been having an emotional affair with another woman for about 2 weeks. They text a lot and they went out for drinks.

Needless to say I’m furious and broke things off again. However he’s made the point that he did sit me down a few weeks ago and say that he needed more love and affection in our relationship, and I basically dismissed him. That was wrong of me, but at the time I was dealing with a colic baby and still struggling to heal from his last affair. I now feel like this latest transgression is in some part my fault.

I have only ever wanted to keep our family together and he makes me happy in every other way. I just don’t know what to do, although my gut reaction was to separate. I’m devastated for our family, and distraught to potentially lose him.

OP posts:
CauliflowerBlue · 05/09/2023 15:06

Omg! He’s trying to blame you? What a c*nt!!

I don’t have anything else to add right now. I hope someone wiser than me will be along for you soon.

I am so sorry, you must be so heartbroken.

Whattodo112222 · 05/09/2023 15:10

He's a gaslighting bastard. I would get your ducks in a row and dump his cheating arse. You deserve better

Feverly · 05/09/2023 15:10

What a worthless boyfriend, trying to blame you for his wandering penis is reprehensible. He’s repeatedly demonstrated he cannot be trusted, so up to you whether give him a ‘third chance’ (I.e. an open relationship) or discard him like the trash he is. You’re not dependent on him for housing, are you?

Aquamarine1029 · 05/09/2023 15:14

Your first mistake was taking him back after his first affair. Don't make the same mistake all over again. The idiot is gaslighting you.

Frogger8395 · 05/09/2023 15:15

He is emotionally abusive and sexually incontinent. Eventually he will leave you for someone else.

If you must stay, have an open relationship and make sure your needs are also met.

Susieb2023 · 05/09/2023 15:17

No. Just no.

He’s just a cheating idiot who seeks ego kibbles for validation.

He was clearly unremorseful over his last affair, did absolutely no work on becoming a better human being and is clearly just an unsafe partner.

This is 100% on him, please don’t let his gaslighting nonsense confuse you.

You deserve better than this nasty cheating creep!

AnneLovesGilbert · 05/09/2023 15:20

I have only ever wanted to keep our family together

You can’t do that by yourself and he’s clearly checked out.

he makes me happy in every other way

I’m not sure what that means. How can you be happy knowing he’s so willing to trash your relationship by investing in other people?

He knew you forgave him last time, it was sadly inevitable he’d do it again.

Onegreenbean · 05/09/2023 15:25

Buy some new trainers OP.

Then grab the kids and run very far away from this idiot.

Original poster
ls6879 · 05/09/2023 15:28

Thanks everyone, appreciate the advice. I felt that way too initially, but after repeatedly hearing that it was partly my fault, it’s screwed with my head a bit. I gave him a second chance last time as he appeared remorseful and had been going to weekly therapy since the affair, but clearly it hasn’t been much use

OP posts:
OhwhyOY · 05/09/2023 15:36

Do you know when the EA started? If it wa before the conversation where you shut him down then he hasn't got a leg to stand on. If it was after it's still totally unacceptable but you could argue that at least he was trying to open up to you about how he was feeling. I'd go with your gut. For me I think it would be unforgivable. But does him trying to discuss with you about needing more affection display an improvement in emotional availability versus last time? If so maybe that's a starting point for trying to make it work. In any case trying to blame you for it is 100% not on.

FloweryWowery · 05/09/2023 15:41

'You made me do it' is your husband 12 years old? Blaming you is revolting behaviour. It would be anyway, but particularly scummy when you're caring for a baby.

Original poster
ls6879 · 05/09/2023 15:43

He says it started after, and I completely see your point of view. I’ve been feeling like that the last few days, I know I should have listened more to what he was saying and at least shown that I cared. Also like you say, his response is still unacceptable. Such a mess!

OP posts:
skyeisthelimit · 05/09/2023 15:49

It is unacceptable whichever way you look at it. If he is getting his affection and jollies elsewhere then he should leave. He won't do that because he would look like a total B to walk out on a baby.

His reaction to you being busy and tired with a baby is to whine that he needs more attention and affection.

This is not on you, it is 100% on him. Do not accept any blame.

You might want to keep your family together and I totally understand that, been there, done that, but only you can decide if you can forgive him, move on and trust him again.

Tinklyheadtilt · 05/09/2023 15:58

Bin.Him.Off.

bjrce · 05/09/2023 16:07

ls6879 · 05/09/2023 15:28

Thanks everyone, appreciate the advice. I felt that way too initially, but after repeatedly hearing that it was partly my fault, it’s screwed with my head a bit. I gave him a second chance last time as he appeared remorseful and had been going to weekly therapy since the affair, but clearly it hasn’t been much use

I am sorry OP,

But this bullshit of going to Therapy to find out what's wrong with them, after they've been caught out having an affair makes me laugh - why is it never the case they go to Therapy before they have the affair.

He's not good enough for you!

AbraKedavra · 05/09/2023 16:13

Sorry to go against the grain, but actually I think he's right. You would have been totally within your rights to break up two years ago after he cheated. But if you did decide to stay, there's no point in doing so if you're not going to reconnect emotionally and physically.

If you were still struggling with the effects of the affair after two years, you should have broken up. Staying in a sham marriage will obviously lead to at least one spouse getting their needs met outside.

frozendaisy · 05/09/2023 16:27

So when he was talking about your relationship did he ask how he could help you which would help your relationship? Or did he just point out what you should be doing?

Nelly10 · 05/09/2023 16:31

Don’t forgive him again Op, I know you have really young kids but you have a life to live too.

He’s a serial cheat he’ll just keep doing it.

Please don’t waste your precious life with this liar and cheat.

WatieKatie · 05/09/2023 16:37

I really feel for you OP. This must be the last thing you need with two young children.

It sounds like he lacks any maturity, when things get tough he looks elsewhere. This won’t change.

Minimising and blame are near the front of the philander’s handbook I’m afraid.

I don’t see how you can possibly trust him now.

Hibiscrubbed · 05/09/2023 19:16

So he cheats repeatedly when you’re at your most vulnerable, and blames it on you?

Absolute cunt.

Maray1967 · 05/09/2023 19:19

I had 2 colicky babies. No way would my DH have asked for more affection while we dealing with those bad evenings.

I’m afraid yours is a pathetic man baby.

I hope you can tell him straight how wrong he is.

Opentooffers · 05/09/2023 19:53

Quit making excuses for him right now! You've just had a baby fgs - a baby with colic no less.
Do you see the pattern here - 2 affairs after 2 babies? Have a 3rd and he will do the same because he's a manchild that can't bear that he he no longer has your undevided attension. Jealous of affection shown to DC's - it's pathetic really.
So, basically by blaming you he's letting you know that unless you give him your undevided attension for the rest of your life, he will have another affair. Nobody can live like that, and that's his problem, not yours.

OhwhyOY · 05/09/2023 20:03

ls6879 · 05/09/2023 15:43

He says it started after, and I completely see your point of view. I’ve been feeling like that the last few days, I know I should have listened more to what he was saying and at least shown that I cared. Also like you say, his response is still unacceptable. Such a mess!

@ls6879 of course you could/should have listened more but in the reality of life 1) you had a lot of stress going on yourself with baby etc and 2) it's hard to engage with someone saying they need more affection when you're exhausted and have others completely dependent upon you (I.e. small DC).

I wasn't suggesting you are in any way to blame, more that you could look at it that he had made a step forward from last time by trying to have a discussion rather than immediately jumping in with the affair. But I guess I'd be asking myself do I believe that if I had leapt on his suggestion and into his arms immediately that the EA wouldn't have happened? I suspect the reality is that it would have anyway, in which case he's not a reliable partner. My sense is that he's at best immature/overly needy, at worst he's selfish and prioritises his wants and needs over you and your DC. Only you can decide what you believe though.

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 05/09/2023 20:14

I'm sorry but his reaction is laughable. He had one conversation where he said he needed more affection from you and because you didn't immediately change (due to having a toddler and baby and I'm assuming being emotionally and physically drained) he took that as justification for looking outside the marriage? I mean maybe if it had been going on for a few years and you had ignored him trying to seriously talk to you multiple times but come on.

A decent person and partner would have:

  • Probably waited til they were out of the baby stage to address anything lacking in their relationship. Realistically when you have a baby and a toddler most of your energy goes into them and for a lot of couples it's just about hanging in there a few more months until things settle down a bit and you have the time and space to work on your relationship

  • Tried to talk to you multiple times and really press upon you how serious this was and that it might mean the end of your relationship. Maybe suggested counselling

  • looked at their own part in the relationship issues. If you're not being affectionate, why not, what would he need to do to help you feel like that again. Eg breaks from the kids, doing at least his fair share at home to give you space and time to focus on the relationship

  • accepted responsibility for his own actions. Whatever happened between you he had a choice. To carry on the relationship and start something new with someone else were both choices

Fairymcclary · 05/09/2023 20:17

You didn’t cause it.

How could you? For example say I don’t drink. It doesn’t matter how much you tempt me with cocktails and wine or teasing me or coercing me - if I don’t drink, I don’t drink and it doesn’t matter what you say or do ( short of force) you won’t change my mind because it’s to do with my identity, integrity and I do it for me.

If only we could influence people to do exactly what we want by modifying OUR behaviour the relationships board on this site would be empty and replaced by ‘how to make dh amazing’. There would be no domestic violence and no complaints about finances or housework.

Cheating is lack of boundaries and integrity. Unless the cheater works out why he is a liar who says one thing and does another (when it suits him). Or why he deserves more than being monogamous (when he expects you to be monogamous) or why he requires someone to give him ego kibbles to fill his broken soul then He will never change. He needs to recognise that sometimes an adults needs are just selfish wants. That he has to choose to act with decency and dignity not for you but FOR HIM! So he can look at himself and start to fill the kibble jar alone. Until he works on his cheaty self then he will be susceptible to such nonsens because he doesn’t have self worth or integrity, he probably doesn’t understand who he is or why he does it. But that makes him an unsafe option for you.

I don’t cheat but not for my husbands sake (he’s bloody annoying at times) instead I don’t cheat on my husband for my sake. It’s my integrity and self worth at stake by my actions. The only person you spend your whole life with is you. And fucking hell I don’t want to look at a scumbag who cheated on her family every morning when I brush my teeth!