Page 2 | Partner having emotional affair

Aria2015 · 05/09/2023 20:31

Long term relationships go through many phases. He's basically saying that any time you have a lot of your plate (like having a baby!!) and you can't give him the attention he 'deserves' that he will look elsewhere for it. That's not a partnership. A loving husband would ride it out with you. Understand and accept it as a busy, crazy time and that with love, support and patience, it will get easier and better.

I wouldn't want to be with someone who wasn't willing to do that. You can basically never count on him. Get long term ill? He'll cheat. Grieve a friend or family member for more than a few days? He'll cheat. Care for your small baby? He'll cheat. Can you see the pattern? He's so focused on himself and his needs that he has no regard for yours. He's utterly selfish.

Mumofteenandtween · 05/09/2023 20:42

Out of interest did he take over at least 50% of the load of the colicky baby in order to give you the time and energy to focus on your relationship?

DiamondTiddler · 05/09/2023 20:48

AbraKedavra · 05/09/2023 16:13

Sorry to go against the grain, but actually I think he's right. You would have been totally within your rights to break up two years ago after he cheated. But if you did decide to stay, there's no point in doing so if you're not going to reconnect emotionally and physically.

If you were still struggling with the effects of the affair after two years, you should have broken up. Staying in a sham marriage will obviously lead to at least one spouse getting their needs met outside.

Or maybe... he should leave instead of cheating? Fuck me, had that occurred to you?

Crankitupanotch · 05/09/2023 20:59

However he’s made the point that he did sit me down a few weeks ago and say that he needed more love and affection in our relationship, and I basically dismissed him.

Love and affection?.... or is that emotional blackmail code for sex by any chance?

Basically, he's saying you're paying more attention to the baby than me, and I'm jealous that I'm not getting enough sex because of this kid, so I'm gonna gaslight you into believing my selfish affairs, (because my brains and emotions are located in my scrotum), are all your fault.

He's a fucking pig.

I know you're devastated, and I'm so so sorry.You deserve better. But every time you aren't giving him enough 'love and affection' sex and attention and have to prioritise your kids needs, he'll do it again and again. And it'll all be your fault.

Kick him out, and then stick it out! The hurt will fade, life will get better and you'll realise one day just how much better off you are without this scumbag.

Crankitupanotch · 05/09/2023 21:04

AbraKedavra · 05/09/2023 16:13

Sorry to go against the grain, but actually I think he's right. You would have been totally within your rights to break up two years ago after he cheated. But if you did decide to stay, there's no point in doing so if you're not going to reconnect emotionally and physically.

If you were still struggling with the effects of the affair after two years, you should have broken up. Staying in a sham marriage will obviously lead to at least one spouse getting their needs met outside.

^ And ignore this complete & utter bollocks OP

Aquamarine1029 · 05/09/2023 21:21

Mumofteenandtween · 05/09/2023 20:42

Out of interest did he take over at least 50% of the load of the colicky baby in order to give you the time and energy to focus on your relationship?

Haha. You're funny. As if.

CassiniG · 05/09/2023 23:00

What he is saying is that if you don't start neglecting your children and give him 100% of your attention, he will go off at every opportunity it's to be with someone who will give him attention.

The man is a pathetic arsehole.

Show him the door.

AcclimDD · 05/09/2023 23:11

Mumofteenandtween · 05/09/2023 20:42

Out of interest did he take over at least 50% of the load of the colicky baby in order to give you the time and energy to focus on your relationship?

^
I'd be interested to know the answer to this too. I think we can safely assume he didn't even offer to.

AuntMarch · 05/09/2023 23:18

When his long term partner is exhausted caring for very young children, he responds not by supporting her and doing everything he can to help, but by looking else where for the "fun" while he isn't getting it at home. What a fucking arsehole.
If this has indeed "only" been an emotional affair, I highly doubt that was his choice. Pretty convenient he lined it up so soon after getting his excuses in too.

I fucking hate that "I miss my wife I wish we had more time for each other" lead him to going elsewhere instead of actually making any effort with you to help that. Which is exactly why his blaming you is total bullshit.

Daffodil18 · 06/09/2023 00:06

Finding out about an affair is absolutely gut wrenching. How he can even attempt to make you feel anything other than secure after a second chance is just disgusting. He’s proving to you that he will never change.

Yikealikes · 06/09/2023 00:20

They have a 5 month old baby and his "discussion" seems to be more about lining up an excuse for having another affair just a couple of weeks later (if not already started). He clearly wasn't genuinely trying to work things through, he was gaslighting her so that if he got caught, he would have an excuse. He's had 2 years to raise it before and hasn't.

even if he genuinely was trying to discuss it. He's raised it whilst she trying to deal with a colicky baby, not got enough attention so off he's toddled to do his own thing.

He's not right, he's a selfish idiot.

Nat6999 · 06/09/2023 03:18

If you don't end the relationship, he will use you like a doormat. You gave him a second chance & he blew it. Tell him it is over, either move out or ask him to, put a claim in for CMS & move on. You need to get your cold hearted bitch head on, total ice queen, no matter how much it hurts & do the best for your dc. If one of them came to you & told you their partner was on affair number 2 you would tell them to end it.

Fairymcclary · 06/09/2023 05:24

Cheating takes 2-5 years to recover from if it’s done properly..
It appears lots of people who were cheated on leave the relationship at this point as that is when they realise they are living with a low integrity person who has little self worth.

To cheat a person has a But - I believe in monogomy in marriage but not if I’m not the centre of attention. Or I believe But not if I’m approached by a good looking woman. Or I believe But not if I’m on a night out with the lads.

To repair the relationship the cheater has to recognise and fix their ‘But’. While helping their spouse heal. This is hard work. Their spouse is going through the grief cycle and the cheater caused the issue. However most cheaters do not have the introspection, honesty, commitment and self worth to fix their ‘But’. It’s a character flaw. They blame others. They lie. They hide in the shadows. They don’t admit fault. They get angry at the victim. They don’t analyse their why. Their low self esteem. Poor integrity. Why they open windows to other women (or men). Why they need validation from others. Why they can’t self soothe. It’s why most relationships cannot recover. The cheater is too flawed and often continues to lie to control the narrative as they don’t want to lose their marriage and they think they know best or because of shame. Why did they think cheating would solve their problems? What an odd idea - talking would help, or leaving if you are unhappy but shagging someone else secretly is about the cheater, it can’t help the relationship. It’s an odd way to deal with a problem. Then when caught they only give minimal info, we only text, we only kissed once, we only, we only. And as the truth trickles out the damage increases. They are trying to control the narrative.

therapy is sometimes used by these types of character to have yet more smoke blown up their arse. Some counsellors are very poor. It’s unregulated. Some have odd ideas around infidelity - thinking the marriage caused it, nope it is NEVER the victims fault. You can leave a marriage you don’t break your own vows! That’s your integrity and values - fuck that, I keep to my word or i talk then if nothing improves I leave. Skulking around like a 13 year old smoking behind the bike shed isn’t a great look. Having to say to my new relationship in a years time ‘oh yeh I cheated because my husband didn’t do x/y’ isn’t a conversation I ever want to have.

Sometimes the cheater doesn’t discuss their flaws (see above - they lie, wallow in shame, self pity) a counsellor cannot help what isn’t disclosed.

He’s a low value man and he has poor coping mechanisms. He can’t or choses not to communicate, he is selfish. He puts his wants over his families security. He’s not a life partner and you have to face losing The relationship for it to have a chance. He who cares least wins.

But none of this is your fault. Google and implement the 180. Surviving infidelity is a forum which will help you.

Fairymcclary · 06/09/2023 05:31

In a nutshell I don’t cheat because of ME. Not because of my husband - he can really annoy me at times. I have to live the rest of my life with me and I want to be a person with integrity and self worth. Someone who stands by her word.

Wallywobbles · 06/09/2023 05:36

So how did he think this would go? I'm guessing he thought you'd let this one go too so there was no downside.

MsDogLady · 06/09/2023 06:55

@ls6879, you’ve been in a false reconciliation with this faithless man. It’s a terrible blow.

You’re still struggling to recover from his previous infidelity. You’re juggling a
3 year old and a colicky 5 month old, and this practiced adulterer on his second chance starts making noise about insufficient attention…after which he immediately jumps into another affair.

He and this OW have likely been simmering for a good while, and he engineered the talk with you to set up his justification, as they were moving forward with dating. This was pure manipulation. The Script.

You are not responsible for protecting his fidelity. His cheating has zero to do with anything you have or haven’t done. He’s still a garden-variety cake eater who trashes his family. Stick with him only if you’re prepared to endure a lifetime of anxiety, uncertainty, and crushed self-esteem.

Epidote · 06/09/2023 07:04

He sat you (and he warned you that he was going to get the attention somewhere else, because you don't pay all the attention to him) he is a man child.
He will do it again and again, he is jealous of your relationship with your kids. He is another jealous kid in your life.
He is getting excuses to do what he does because he is a selfish coward and a spoiled child.
I can go for miles because this has a resemblance of what my ex did to me.

Whish you all the best, including finding the strength to kick his arse off your life.

Anewnamea · 06/09/2023 07:15

Fairymcclary · 06/09/2023 05:24

Cheating takes 2-5 years to recover from if it’s done properly..
It appears lots of people who were cheated on leave the relationship at this point as that is when they realise they are living with a low integrity person who has little self worth.

To cheat a person has a But - I believe in monogomy in marriage but not if I’m not the centre of attention. Or I believe But not if I’m approached by a good looking woman. Or I believe But not if I’m on a night out with the lads.

To repair the relationship the cheater has to recognise and fix their ‘But’. While helping their spouse heal. This is hard work. Their spouse is going through the grief cycle and the cheater caused the issue. However most cheaters do not have the introspection, honesty, commitment and self worth to fix their ‘But’. It’s a character flaw. They blame others. They lie. They hide in the shadows. They don’t admit fault. They get angry at the victim. They don’t analyse their why. Their low self esteem. Poor integrity. Why they open windows to other women (or men). Why they need validation from others. Why they can’t self soothe. It’s why most relationships cannot recover. The cheater is too flawed and often continues to lie to control the narrative as they don’t want to lose their marriage and they think they know best or because of shame. Why did they think cheating would solve their problems? What an odd idea - talking would help, or leaving if you are unhappy but shagging someone else secretly is about the cheater, it can’t help the relationship. It’s an odd way to deal with a problem. Then when caught they only give minimal info, we only text, we only kissed once, we only, we only. And as the truth trickles out the damage increases. They are trying to control the narrative.

therapy is sometimes used by these types of character to have yet more smoke blown up their arse. Some counsellors are very poor. It’s unregulated. Some have odd ideas around infidelity - thinking the marriage caused it, nope it is NEVER the victims fault. You can leave a marriage you don’t break your own vows! That’s your integrity and values - fuck that, I keep to my word or i talk then if nothing improves I leave. Skulking around like a 13 year old smoking behind the bike shed isn’t a great look. Having to say to my new relationship in a years time ‘oh yeh I cheated because my husband didn’t do x/y’ isn’t a conversation I ever want to have.

Sometimes the cheater doesn’t discuss their flaws (see above - they lie, wallow in shame, self pity) a counsellor cannot help what isn’t disclosed.

He’s a low value man and he has poor coping mechanisms. He can’t or choses not to communicate, he is selfish. He puts his wants over his families security. He’s not a life partner and you have to face losing The relationship for it to have a chance. He who cares least wins.

But none of this is your fault. Google and implement the 180. Surviving infidelity is a forum which will help you.

All of this.

OP, Look how quick he went from raising his issues to cheating. It’s likely he was already entangled with that woman or some other..or at least planning to when he brought it up and he was basically covering his ass in case he got found out. Someone who raised a relationship issue in good faith would give it some time for it to be resolved not just run out and break marriage vows two seconds after.

You didn’t immediately leave him and get someone else to meet your needs when he did one of the worst things he could do to your marriage by sleeping with someone else, but yet he justifies himself stepping out when you’re attending to your sick children?

That’s absolutely despicable really and shows a lack of care for your child too.

You’re in a very difficult position now with a second child who is now young - this man would have seen you being willing to have a second child as a reward for his infidelity and basically a green light to go cheat again whenever he wants.

Unfortunately it is doubtful he will ever change and he will hide his affairs less and less since you’ve found out and stayed before he doesn’t see you as capable of leaving .

The question is really do you want this sham marriage for the rest of your life?it wouldn’t be for me but some women do tolerate it.

dramadealings · 06/09/2023 08:20

You are never responsible for someone else's bad behaviour or poor choices.

If he needed 'more affection' then it was on him to try and make your life a bit easier to allow you to relax, unwind or spend more time together. Either that or end the relationship.

Cheating on you is not a valid third option so please don't allow him to make you think it is.