Why can't I let him go?

[Violet258]

Hi everyone,

I need some help please, I think my ex is a covert narcissist but no matter how hard I try I can't let go.

We were together for 4 years and he asked me to marry him 2 years into the relationship. The relationship has had it's good times but when it's been bad it's been awful. To break it down I've listed some bits below as I always feel like I'm over reacting:

• Chased girls for attention on social media/nights out (never cheated physically from what I know)
• Critical
• Physical and intimidating in arguments
• Name calling in arguments
• Invading my privacy- defacing private notes
• Always making out it's my fault or I've pushed him to behave like it
• Questioned numerous times if he wanted the relationship (claimed this was just him seeking re-assurance from me)

I've tried to be strong the last couple of weeks but he always seems to get back in my head - I still love him and he says he wants to give me everything. He's even admitted he didn't expect me to dig my heels in as much as I have.
He's been trying really hard to talk me round - a few comments such as:

• We're meant to be together
• I'm going to be your last love love
• This isn't the end of us l promise you that
• I want to have a family straight away
• Let me show you how happy we can be

He has apologised for some of the stuff he's done but says I also need to admit responsibility for my part in the failure of the relationship. I've tried to explain that the consistent mind changing, criticism and feeling like I have to constantly prove myself has broken me down. He says I need to prove myself that I love and care for him - but that's all I've ever done. I've always stood by him when he's done me wrong but when is enough enough?

Whenever I don't accept what he says he accuses me of meeting someone else etc or turns nasty with loads of messages. When I said I felt like he was deflecting on me he smirked and when I pushed him further he admitted he went for a casual drink and activity with a girl he hadn't seen in years. He said it wasn't a date but he messaged her when he got back saying it was nice but they wouldn't be doing it again...
He also asked to see my phone but when I asked him the same he wouldn't.

My family say it's just his way of controlling me and then when he gets me back he'll delay everything again.

Am I wrong in thinking he could change? That actually we could make this work?
Everyone tells me I'll meet someone who will treat me right and I'll see how wrong this was..... but what if I don't? I'm terrified of meeting someone worse and regretting throwing it all away.

I feel crazy and stuck in a cycle I can't escape

You are not overreacting. Do not get back with him. You deserve better. X

Narcassists never change. X

Your family is 100% right

Am I wrong in thinking he could change?

Yes.

Run, dont walk away from him - this is abusive behaviour and you deserve better. Narcissists dont change. Grieve the relationship and when you are ready , find yourself an emotionally healthy person that will treat you with the respect you deserve. In a few years you will view this as a lucky escape xxx

Listen to your family

He absolutely won't change. He's controlling you and wants to continue doing so.

It will only get worse if you get back with him he is used to his bad behaviour to you repercussion with zero repercussions so he will only do it again because he knows he can get away with it
your relationship is too problematic. Your Personalities don’t suit. Say your arguments have become physical he will start hitting you next
trying to cheat on you, how do you know he hasn’t ? U love ( think you love him ) because he has lowered your self confidence so much you think you only deserve him

He won’t change.

my best friend was in a relationship with a man like this and felt how you did.

she is dead now. Please leave.

“This isn’t the end of us I promise you that”

This has the potential to escalate to some very unwanted and harmful (potentially illegal) behaviour. It’s a major red flag that he probably doesn’t want you but no one else can have you either

He’s having fun with you as part of his ‘game’ - which he’s probably addicted to doing. Pushing you back, reeling you in, you are giving him total
control.

the ONLY way is to cut all ties, don’t look back. When you do eventually meet someone nice you will swiftly see how disfunctional it was.

trust me - I was married to one for a long time. He was in the end diagnosed with a personality disorder. I left and went back I don’t know how many times.

once he’s won this round by getting you back in the game, he’ll just turn again - seeing how far he can push and control. Then you’ll snap, go, and round you’ll go again.

I mean this nicely - don’t have kids with someone like this - because then you can never escape them and their horrible games.

block, cut ties, move on. Permanently.

They don't change, they get worse as each time you return it reinforces in them the power and control they have over you.

Block his number, delete him on everything and never look back.

Get some self respect and just stop, I don't care if this is harsh, it might sink in more that way

Why not get back together and have a family straight away, as he suggests.

then perhaps pop over to the thread about when women get stuck with arsehole men because there are never any signs apparently.

Everyone tells me I'll meet someone who will treat me right and I'll see how wrong this was..... but what if I don't? I'm terrified of meeting someone worse and regretting throwing it all away.

You need to be by yourself and figure out why that is not enough for you. Because why do you assume you would have to settle for someone at all?

Can you imagine yourself alone? How would your life be? Perhaps forbid yourself to be in a relationship for a few years and work on treating yourself right. Stop thinking that you must settle and instead figure out how to be happy without a man. Become someone you want to be with. Only then, when you can envision a happy single life and is convinced a man should be honoured to get to spend time with you, should you consider a relationship.

This will not change and the only way to get over it is to block him and never speak to him again. As terrifying as that sounds it is 100% the way to be free and looking back you will totally know you did the right thing. Bite the bullet and block him!

Trauma bond perhaps, I'm months down the line separated and it's got a lot easier. At first was constantly on my mind but now only short periods of that strong pull.

Take it from me, don't have children with someone like that. I love my children more than anything but they are now a weapon.

You know he won’t change op

two issues are (1) he’s still contacting you
why ? Are you too scared to block him ?

(2) please read the threads here
you know he will turn into this
whats he providing that you can’t let go of
love ? Attention ? Validation ?

what would happen if you took a deep breath and blocked him ? Would he react angrily ?

At some point you need to take responsibility for your own choices and stop being your worst enemy.

You know he's abusive, you know he's a narcissist. You know he's a liar and he chronically dismisses you as a person, your own family hate him and have warned you off him, yet still you stay. Would you honestly burden an an innocent child with a father like this?

You're not addicted to him, you're not trapped by him, you can leave him whenever you want to, so do it.

Catsafterme

yes
my child is majorly depressed and won’t accept mental health interventions
the other is confused and angry and conflicted

I did not factor this in when I had kids with a man I knew was challenging

its no life

Thank you everyone for your comments.

I still currently reside with him as I have nowhere to go to move out. He's being awkward about selling

@Thisisworsethananticpated Sorry to hear that, it's awful for them they just don't understand what it is.

I'm being scapegoated and mine are being withheld.

He won't change for the better.
He will most likely get worse.

Every time his words overrule your boundaries, he understands that he's expanded the scope of what you'll let him get away with without consequence.

You do need to get away, and definitely don't fall for him saying "let's get married" or "let's have kids" - that would make your situation much worse.

How is your housing situation? Are you named on the property and the mortgage? Is it 50/50 or do you have anything ring-fenced etc.?
Probably best to see a solicitor to get things moving and be able to move on with your life.

Trauma bond. I stayed with a man for years who was wholly terrible for me, and turned out to exhibit all sorts of terrible behaviours, mainly because we happened to have got together at a shit time for both of us so kinda 'helped one another' through it. I could not snap out of it. Now in hindsight I want to go back and shake myself.

Your bond and addiction isn't based on real foundations of love and partnership. You're addicted to the highs and lows of dopamine. He's shown you who he is and he will never change.
If I were you I'd get my affairs in order and make plans to move out

Some very good advice. Please listen and end all interactions with this man.