Why can't I let him go?

[Violet258]

Hi everyone,

I need some help please, I think my ex is a covert narcissist but no matter how hard I try I can't let go.

We were together for 4 years and he asked me to marry him 2 years into the relationship. The relationship has had it's good times but when it's been bad it's been awful. To break it down I've listed some bits below as I always feel like I'm over reacting:

• Chased girls for attention on social media/nights out (never cheated physically from what I know)
• Critical
• Physical and intimidating in arguments
• Name calling in arguments
• Invading my privacy- defacing private notes
• Always making out it's my fault or I've pushed him to behave like it
• Questioned numerous times if he wanted the relationship (claimed this was just him seeking re-assurance from me)

I've tried to be strong the last couple of weeks but he always seems to get back in my head - I still love him and he says he wants to give me everything. He's even admitted he didn't expect me to dig my heels in as much as I have.
He's been trying really hard to talk me round - a few comments such as:

• We're meant to be together
• I'm going to be your last love love
• This isn't the end of us l promise you that
• I want to have a family straight away
• Let me show you how happy we can be

He has apologised for some of the stuff he's done but says I also need to admit responsibility for my part in the failure of the relationship. I've tried to explain that the consistent mind changing, criticism and feeling like I have to constantly prove myself has broken me down. He says I need to prove myself that I love and care for him - but that's all I've ever done. I've always stood by him when he's done me wrong but when is enough enough?

Whenever I don't accept what he says he accuses me of meeting someone else etc or turns nasty with loads of messages. When I said I felt like he was deflecting on me he smirked and when I pushed him further he admitted he went for a casual drink and activity with a girl he hadn't seen in years. He said it wasn't a date but he messaged her when he got back saying it was nice but they wouldn't be doing it again...
He also asked to see my phone but when I asked him the same he wouldn't.

My family say it's just his way of controlling me and then when he gets me back he'll delay everything again.

Am I wrong in thinking he could change? That actually we could make this work?
Everyone tells me I'll meet someone who will treat me right and I'll see how wrong this was..... but what if I don't? I'm terrified of meeting someone worse and regretting throwing it all away.

I feel crazy and stuck in a cycle I can't escape

Even his talk to win you back sounds sinister and threatening.

I don’t think he’s a narcissist. He sounds like just your common or garden abusive controlling arsehole.

Does anyone have any advice on how to keep my mind on track?

I'm just finding it hard to keep my walls up

Remember how it felt to be criticized, blamed and shouted at. That you are not in control of other peoples actions, he chose to do those things, treat you that way and he will do again without a second thought.

That relationships should have none of those things, you should be equal, rely on one another and not worry about how you behave in order to appease the other.

You just need to meditate on one word. No.

I know it's hard, especially since we learn from very young that we aren't whole without a mate. That's why you need to stop giving him your energy because he is playing mind-games, and I think they exhaust you. Don't go into discussions with him. You don't need to. Don't keep explaining yourself. Just say no. You don't owe him explanations.

No one who truly believe they are in the wrong will demand in the heat of an argument that you take part of the blame of your problems. It's too logical for a relationship, too manipulative, and it suggests to me that he has no feelings towards you, so he is free to play little games with you.

Be angry. Anger isn't bad. It brings clarity. It makes you realize "wait, I don't deserve this!" When you start believing that you don't deserve this, you will wonder why you love someone who treats you badly.

And all his comments about you and him aren't romantic. They seem toxic.
"This isn't the end of us l promise you that" seems like a threat. He is actually telling you that you can't decide when to stop seeing him? Are you fine with that? If anyone said that to me, I would be livid and answer, "This is the end because I say it's the end, and you do not control me!"

So tonight I reinforced that I didn’t want to be in the relationship after he kept badgering me to talk to him. I asked him to leave me alone but he wouldn’t.

He then started getting annoyed - threw some rubbish over me in his rant and said he’s going to make me read what I’ve done to him. He said I’ve chosen meeting someone else over him - I tried to explain that I’m choosing me but he just didn’t listen.

Living with him puts you in a very vulnerable position, especially since he’s being physically violent. Stupid question, no doubt, but are you able to move out? Or do you have a friend or family member who could move in for a bit?

STOP explaining things to him, op. You have to stop engaging with him about anything. It's all just noise.

He threw rubbish over me in his rant.

That doesn't sound like love to me, that sounds like someone who will escalate to physical violence because he's not getting his own way.

If you are able to move in with family or friends while you sell the house, so so. This man sounds dangerous.

His behaviour is awful, some men just aren't capable of having a decent relationship, they just haven't got what it takes, no matter how hard you try to make it work. He probably has never had one solid relationship. Just leaves a trail of destruction with who ever he hooks up with.
Also be careful of not letting your ego get in the way, foolish pride trying to prove others wrong, and trying to convince yourself you can turn him into the man you want him to be. Women spend years doing this only to discover you can only get so far on hope.

Thank you.

Does anyone have any advice on forcing a house sale? He's making out he has a reason why the court would refuse the sale but won't tell me what. We have no kids together - he has a daughter but she doesn't live with us - so apart from that I can't think of any reason why the court would refuse?

Obviously I don't want it to get to this and I have numerous emails asking him to sell the house but he doesn't reply.

He is toxic, he's made you dependant on him, got under your skin and now is in control of your emotions. Please LTB, you will cause yourself far more damage in the long run by staying in this relationship. Just envisage 10 years down the line, you will still be in this position, I can guarantee it. Sending you strength and positivity 💐

You need to get a solicitor pronto and go down the legal route to force a sale. Grey rock meantime, avoid him where possible, be busy elsewhere as much as you can and just use your place for eating and sleeping. The more you disengage the better. Try to ensure you can access a backup place to stay at short notice should your safety become at risk. If he gets physical, inform police and have him arrested.

you have to do the hard and sensible thing

block him
go no contact
stay single for a decent while

eveyone and I mean everyone has that universal fear they will never meet someone nice again

tough it out x

Ah

you need womens aid
and maybe some legal help

he can’t force you to stay by being a bully

it’s illegal

Do you read this board often? I’d highly recommend it.

Your situation is very common. Your situation will stay the same unless you remove yourself from it

No he won’t change, yes he’s abusive, yes you can do better and yes he can be nice at times. Even murderers and rapists are nice some of the time

Me and my ex were together for 8 years married for nearly 3 we have a 4 year old and we’ve has ups and downs it’s not all be perfect but 3 weeks ago he ended it. He’s done was all I got and he moved to his mothers, he’s already seeing someone new and has made little effort with our boy. Everyone says let go move on you deserve better but my question is how do you let go when you still love them. I’ve failed at no contact and begging I know that I need to give up but how do I let the future I saw go

Do not get back with it. It feels hard to resist now but very soon you will wonder how you ever considered it.

This is abuse and coercive behaviour, if you feel threatened by him throwing things or being verbally intimidating call the police. Tell them you feel frightened and unsafe and then be honest with them about his controlling and coercive behaviour. There are new laws specifically about coercive behaviour.

He sounds like an absolute bar steward, keep on track by remembering how you feel when in that moment he is being vile to you.

Also, please confide in someone and make sure you have a safe place to go last minute, even if it's money squirreled away for a hotel for the night.