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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Handholding please, I’m absolutely broken

32 replies

DWSDB · 05/09/2023 05:58

I’m absolutely broken. I’m currently writing this at 7am with no sleep crying my eyes out. 6 months pregnant. I’m sorry if this is rambling I have nobody to talk to. I am away with my family and child who are all really upset with me and him because we have argued. I can’t count how many times I have been left in pieces whilst he’s told me I’ve done it to myself, I’ve literally hyperventilated to the point of being sick tonight and it’s still not enough to get him to wake up and see what he’s doing to me.

My soon to be ex partner is laying in bed sleeping soundly after another argument which has led to me sobbing and pleading and him shutting me down, stepping over me whilst I’m crying

He said we’re incompatible, which is true. How can we be compatible when this is what happens at any point of conflict. The conflict was over nothing, I don’t even think it was my fault but I even apologised and said let’s be normal and he still couldn’t snap out of it and call me names… I know it needs to be over now. Especially when it’s affected my family and my poor son. I know it’ll affect my baby also.

it just hurts so much, literally hours ago we were planning baby names and visits away and now I just know I can’t go on. The problem is I just love him so much but I think I’m being emotionally abused and I know it won’t change.

He upset me so much tonight we were in a taxi back and I asked it to pull over so I could walk home and have some space and he’s followed me and yelled at me and wouldn’t let me be on my own to just collect myself but won’t show me any compassion in these moments where I’m in so much pain.

I wrote on here a few days ago too. Why can’t I just let him go.

I’ve got to pull it together now for my little boy on his last day of his holiday and fly home with this man who’s broken my heart into pieces and threatened our relationship at the drop of a hat. 2 kids to 2 different dads… what am I going to do. Who will want me now.

OP posts:
notagypsy · 05/09/2023 06:11

Hugs to you, what a shitty situation. Sounds like you’ve done nothing wrong and he likes a drama/fight! I think you’ve realised he’s not a keeper. Don’t let your son witness you being treated like that, it’s amazing how things like that will shape him as a man.
Just focus on getting home and then I’d tell him he’s being unreasonable and ask him for some space. That will give you some headspace.
As for the 2 dads 2 kids, that’s me also and once I left my abusive husband I felt the same. I’m now happily engaged to a man who never raises his voice to me, treats me like a proper partner and wants us to do things together. So don’t worry about that. Take care xx

Catsafterme · 05/09/2023 06:32

Sorry you're going through this, not fair on you sounds like done nothing wrong and he's high conflict by the sounds of it.

As PP said get through what you need to now and once home try and get space so you can clear your head.

Being in a relationship like that isn't good, not for you or your children. I stayed in mine as I loved my wife but it got worse over the years, that person was no longer the one I met and has done a lot of damage now...wish I had seen it earlier for all our sakes, it was abusive.

Don't worry about the future now, you got plenty of time. I can say for myself anyway, if I was to meet a woman I liked with two children and two dads, it wouldn't matter to me.

Keep your head up.

Original poster
DWSDB · 05/09/2023 06:38

Thank you. I know, it’s just getting worse and worse. I get blamed for emotional reactions of hurtful things he says to me then he acts entitled to say those things and not react,

I keep trying to go to bed but I keep crying and he will hug me and tell me I need to go to sleep but I need to talk I need to understand. I know I’m making it worse so I keep leaving the room, crying and coming back and crying some more. I guess if I had a pregnant partner I’d be different… I don’t know. My heads absolutely gone

OP posts:
Totaly · 05/09/2023 06:42

2 kids to 2 different dads… what am I going to do. Who will want me now.

Yoir children want you. You don’t need a man to be happy. You need to be free of this man and focus on your own needs and those of the children.

Whilst you haven’t said, this sounds like abuse.

JohnFinlaysNewTeeth · 05/09/2023 06:46

2 kids to 2 different dads… what am I going to do. Who will want me now.
Your children. You focus on them m, not finding another walking red flag to dick you. Put THEM first.

Will you though? You know this is toxic but I sense you’re not ready to leave. He won’t change though.

Catsafterme · 05/09/2023 06:47

It's hard when you're with someone who won't communicate. I was the same, I preferred to talk things through and I never got that once just criticism, blame and silent treatment and expected to brush it over each time. Never any sympathy or compassion could be distraught and nothing.

It's better to be alone than with someone like that, as hard as it may be.

jeaux90 · 05/09/2023 06:51

Please OP you don't need a man to be happy, this one sounds like he is making you miserable and your kids will be impacted by it.

As a lone parent I can tell you my life is way more peaceful without this drama in my life. My DD14 is growing up in a quiet and stable home.

Once you've spent time single and got comfortable in your own company you will raise your boundaries and standards and not compromise this for any man ever again.

Original poster
DWSDB · 05/09/2023 06:57

@JohnFinlaysNewTeeth I wouldn’t even consider going if it wasn’t for my children if I’m honest id probably just allow this forever. It’s because of them I will go. I’m not ready to but I have to

OP posts:
Original poster
DWSDB · 05/09/2023 06:59

Thank you, I know I’ll do it alone cause ultimately I have no choice and my children need to be raised on solid ground. It’s just so so hard because our perfect family is now ruined 😭 but I will build a new one.

OP posts:
ThisWormHasTurned · 05/09/2023 07:03

It does sound like emotional abuse. The thing is, the person you fell in love with doesn’t really exist. This is the real him. Don’t wait around for the first guy to come back. Have a read about ‘trauma bonding’, that may be why you’re struggling to end it. But ending it really is the best thing for you and your kids. Is there anyone in real life you can confide in?

DoctorTeeCee · 05/09/2023 07:04

2 kids to 2 different dads… what am I going to do. Who will want me now.

You need to focus on your children and yourself - the last thing you need to think about is the next man….You don’t need a man to be happy and give your children a good life.

Original poster
DWSDB · 05/09/2023 07:09

@ThisWormHasTurned whats so stupid is I know about trauma bonding - I work in social care and have worked with DA victims😩. You’d think I’d spot the signs and react a lot quicker. I feel an idiot. I am being abused emotionally.

OP posts:
Original poster
DWSDB · 05/09/2023 07:11

I know that comment about 2 kids with 2 different dads was stupid, thing is I don’t want anything or anyone else but him when he’s not being like this. I just want my kids to be raised in a family.

OP posts:
Sofasurfer23 · 05/09/2023 07:16

Leave and don’t look back!

I know someone with three kids by three dads, the final dad is amazing and step parent to the others. No one would would know if they didn’t tell you. There is nice men out there willing to take on others kids. Focus on your babies

AuntieEsther · 05/09/2023 07:19

You and your kids will be a family. With him involved it's not a 'perfect family' is it? It never was. Your poor older child, being exposed to this shit over and over.

Original poster
DWSDB · 05/09/2023 07:23

@AuntieEsther I feel awful for my son I’m absolutely devastated he saw us argue tonight but he is with his dad 50% of the time and hasn’t seen us argue before. If I feel one coming I tend to take him out and me and partner will avoid each other and be okay in front of him until he goes back to his dads house. I think that’s what’s shocked him tonight because he’s not seen it before, that’s what’s shocked me into this. I’m very protective over my son, he’s rarely heard me raise my voice… now he is worried me and his stepdad are breaking up.

OP posts:
Thelonelygiraffe · 05/09/2023 07:33

DWSDB · 05/09/2023 06:59

Thank you, I know I’ll do it alone cause ultimately I have no choice and my children need to be raised on solid ground. It’s just so so hard because our perfect family is now ruined 😭 but I will build a new one.

Your perfect family can be you and your dc.

You don't need a man.

Especially a shitty man.

C1N1C · 05/09/2023 07:35

Just confirming, as it wasn't worded the best... you got out of the taxi to walk home and he wouldn't let you (in peace)? Was it dark? Was it far?

Depending on who you ask, some would see leaving you to walk alone as a red flag... otherwise would see not respecting that boundary as a red flag.

...I wouldn't want to, because no matter how upset I am, I'd want to make sure you get home safely.

Original poster
DWSDB · 05/09/2023 07:42

@C1N1C tbf it was dark but I’ve known this area years I feel safe, it’s not the fact he got out of the car it’s the fact that he then used this as leverage to prove how awful I am and then told me to find someone better suited to myself and carried on telling me how awful I was when I was obviously overwhelmed and devestated. He didn’t just get out to walk me home and try sort it out, he got out to probably make sure I was safe but he made the situation 10X worse. My son wasn’t in the taxi he saw the argument before.

OP posts:
evrey · 05/09/2023 07:57

He sounds like a narcissist. I'm also married to one ,they can't handle any discussion.about the relationship and fly off the handle almost straight away.
They do this to condition you to never challenge anything, accepting all of their shitty behavior.
It's very hard to start again because a narcissist will try to destroy you in the process.
But in the long run you and your children will be happier if you can.

Catsafterme · 05/09/2023 08:29

You do have a family, with your children and they are the most important thing out of it all. You don't want them growing up thinking that's how relationships work, the cycle will repeat.

I was where you are, wanted to keep that family together, the perfect family but it was false, it wasn't right and it hadn't been for a long, long time. My mind was so twisted from it all I didn't end it and was eventually forced out during another round of abuse.

Agree with PP if is more narcissistic, be wary. Even though mine forced me out in rage, continued to manipulate me afterwards they have since taken everything from me including our children, haven't seen or spoken to them in months.

Original poster
DWSDB · 05/09/2023 09:04

@Catsafterme im so sorry about your children that’s so so horrible.

I’ve just spoke to my mum who’s usually not forthcoming with her opinion but she’s said he behaved disgusting last night and thinks I should leave him. Now I’ve spoken to her I feel more angry than devastated which is helpful…

How dare he treat me that way when I’m pregnant with his child and speak to me like he did in front of my family. I just need to hold this anger now. Fingers crossed

OP posts:
Catsafterme · 05/09/2023 09:10

@DWSDB Thanks...very cruel is mine.

Yes, you need to hold onto that anger but don't let it take over and do something rash. Know your situation is different but keep your head level in case anything is used against you down the line. They sure do hate rejection or push back.

Remember also, you can't make anyone behave or treat someone else a certain way. That's all on them, you are not to blame. Remember that in periods of doubt.

differentnameforthis · 11/04/2024 11:23

DWSDB · 05/09/2023 07:09

@ThisWormHasTurned whats so stupid is I know about trauma bonding - I work in social care and have worked with DA victims😩. You’d think I’d spot the signs and react a lot quicker. I feel an idiot. I am being abused emotionally.

You are NOT an idiot.

I am also very interested in DV & I didn't see that it was happening to me... This is NOT on you.

Starlight1979 · 11/04/2024 13:49

I must be reading a different post to the rest of the commentors on here! How has everyone made their minds up that the OP is being "emotionally abused"??? We don't even know what the arguments are about and even the OP says she's not sure if it's her fault!

"I’ve literally hyperventilated to the point of being sick tonight and it’s still not enough to get him to wake up and see what he’s doing to me."

"I keep leaving the room, crying and coming back and crying some more."

Classic attention seeking behaviour and trying to get a rise out of your DP / DH and get him to console / confort you. Tactics generally used when someone knows they have behaved badly.

"we were in a taxi back and I asked it to pull over so I could walk home and have some space and he’s followed me and yelled at me and wouldn’t let me be on my own"

My DP wouldn't let me get out of a taxi on my own at night and walk. Sounds to me like you were doing this for attention and he felt he had no choice but to follow you even though you were arguing.

"How dare he treat me that way when I’m pregnant with his child"

How dare he treat you like what? You still haven't said what's happened and what the argument was about. You don't get an ace card to behave badly just because you're pregnant.

"2 kids to 2 different dads… what am I going to do. Who will want me now."

Says it all. Pregnant with your second child in a dreadful relationship but already thinking about the next bloke...