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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Boyfriend meeting girl he slept with years ago for a drink

73 replies

Bluebell567 · 04/09/2023 21:06

Basically that really.

We have been together just over a year. He slept with a girl 3-4 years ago, hasn't seen her in about 2 years. she is incredibly beautiful - that's not the problem. it is that is all seems secretive. They talk occasionally. I've never had a problem with it really. But he's meeting her tomorrow evening for a drink. I've met all his other friends (guys and girls; group of friends) yet he hasn't invited me to go with him tomorrow and he's arranged it for an evening he knows I'm not free.

We went for a walk earlier and I spoke to him about it. I asked questions, I didn't say I was upset but it's very obvious I am, and why. I haven't spoken to him since. He's been very quiet, when usually, he'd say something like im being ridiculous or overthinking etc.

I think a big part of the reason I am worried about this is that in May, he was working away from home. He went out, got drunk and ended up sharing a hotel room with a female colleague. Next day I asked how his night was. He lied to me. Told me he went back to his hotel. I knew he was lying but he didn't know that, and got upset I didn't believe his lie. I later called him out on it and he was very remorseful and we have 'rebuilt trust'. However, clearly not as much as I'd thought, as I now do not trust him meeting this girl.

My gut is telling me something is wrong. We love each other, but he's made a mistake before and actually didn't seem to understand how he crossed a boundary, so what is stopping him from doing it again.

Is this all in my head or am I right for having concerns?

OP posts:
GLORIAGloriarse · 04/09/2023 23:08

That wouldn't be good enough for me. It's not that she is pretty, it's that they have sexual history and little else since. If they were that bothered about being mates they could have stayed in touch and developed a friendship over the last 3-4 years. Why now? No problem with a partner having an ex as a friend but not going for drinks with random shagging partners from ages ago. Not on my time.

Pinkbonbon · 04/09/2023 23:11

It's not appropriate to meet female friends you've shagged in the past when you have a girlfriend. I'd ask him why the fuck he thinks it's OK to disrespect you like that? And then I'd throw his ass out.

Tilllly · 04/09/2023 23:14

Do you know where he is meeting her?

My friend had a similar situation a few years ago, and I and another friend went to the pub and watched

(We felt very Cagney and Lacey... to be fair, nothing happened. They had a good chat and a catch up, nothing in it at all)

Do you have a friend that he doesn't know, that could go see? To put your mind at rest, or confirm your concerns.

Doyoumind · 04/09/2023 23:14

Whilst I have slept in the same bed as a man with nothing happening after a drunken night out, it was because I was adamant I didn't want it. It's also gone the other way when I have been interested, and I'd be very surprised if nothing happened with your boyfriend and his colleague. So he's already cheated on you. That's more of an issue for me than this suspicious meeting with a woman from his past.

Move on.

Plumful · 04/09/2023 23:15

Come on OP. Raise your standards.

Milkand2sugarsplease · 04/09/2023 23:17

If you get in there quick enough you can free him up to do whatever he wants with her tomorrow night without worrying about cheating on his girlfriend!!!

He's really not a keeper!

"Accidentally" shared a bed with a colleague.
Buggering off out with an ex flame despite your misgivings

He's not thinking about you at all.

Dery · 04/09/2023 23:21

“He's not a keeper.

Sorry love. A man who keeps secrets about other women is not someone you want to be with in life. You are worth so much more!

Hold your head up high and tell him to fuck off. Your future self will thank you.”

This.

Toomuchchocolate42 · 04/09/2023 23:21

He must believe that you will literally put up with anything that he doesn't even need to try to attemp to hide the fact he is taking another women out on a date. That's how little respect he has for you. This isn't love. Please get rid of him, you deserve better.

Notsuredontknow · 04/09/2023 23:21

He sounds like a creep and he’s showing you utter disrespect. I hope this thread has confirmed for you what you already know deep down - you deserve so much better. Speak to yourself like you would to your best friend

CurlyhairedAssassin · 04/09/2023 23:30

I’m sorry but if you were to tell him tomorrow that was over I don’t think he’d be too bothered. I reckon he just doesn’t want the hassle of being the one to broach it. But from his point of view if YOU make the decision it makes it easier for him as it’ll be a guilt free breakup, he’ll tell his mates “she dumped me.” And he’ll get all the sympathy. What a shit.

and even if by the tiniest chance that it was all innocent, and the work thing, a guy who was really into you just wouldn’t be doing those things.

so either way, he’s one to throw back into the sea. And onto your next fish!

CurlyhairedAssassin · 04/09/2023 23:32

GLORIAGloriarse · 04/09/2023 23:08

That wouldn't be good enough for me. It's not that she is pretty, it's that they have sexual history and little else since. If they were that bothered about being mates they could have stayed in touch and developed a friendship over the last 3-4 years. Why now? No problem with a partner having an ex as a friend but not going for drinks with random shagging partners from ages ago. Not on my time.

Yeah, very good point.

Neverinamonthofsundays · 04/09/2023 23:56

Absolutely dump him. Very disrespectful.

MsDogLady · 05/09/2023 00:26

@Bluebell567, you haven’t rebuilt trust because you’ve been in a false reconciliation. He’s still in ‘wayward mode.’

He proved himself capable of great deception and manipulation when he lied about spending the night with the first OW and then got upset when you didn’t believe his lie. I would absolutely assume that there was physical involvement with her.

Now he’s going on a date with his Ex, so he intentionally excluded you. You’ve always been included in outings with his friends, and if this were equally innocent, he’d have chosen a time when you’d be available. He knows you’re upset but doesn’t care.

@Bluebell567, you can do much better than this player.

Hibiscrubbed · 05/09/2023 05:28

He’s full of shit. “We shared a bed but slept in our clothes…”

Shoxfordian · 05/09/2023 05:52

I wouldn’t believe that about the hotel room either and now he’s blatantly going on a date with another woman- he’s even told you about it!

Find some self respect op and dump him

Newnamehiwhodis · 05/09/2023 05:58

I’m in the minority, I suppose, as I think a man and a woman can share a bed without anything happening, If need be. I’ve done that before.
but the lying? That’s a huge red flag.

and this time? Nope. I’m sorry, OP. I know it’s difficult - I was with one of these types myself, and I still wish I knew for sure if he had cheated.

This date of his is inappropriate. Time to cut the cord, and do not let him talk his way back into your life.

Thequeenofwishfulthinking · 05/09/2023 06:28

You deserve better than this. You know what your instinct is telling you. Sometimes it’s hard to accept and easier to have faith in someone. I would end this relationship as soon as you feel able.
He knows it’s wrong and is pushing your boundaries after getting away with shit disrespectful behaviour before.
I wouldn’t issue an ultimatum. Let him go and tell him not to bother you again as his idea of a relationship is not in line with your expectations.
You will meet someone who won’t pull these stunts. Whilst your energy is taken up by this man you won’t be open to finding someone who will treat you properly.
Sending strength to you.

Epidote · 05/09/2023 07:02

I don't think the issue here is that he is meeting someone from his past.
The issue is bigger and is his liying to you and the secrecy. If you don't trust him, which is reasonable as he ha lied to you before, trust yourself.

Thequeenofthetypis · 05/09/2023 07:05

He's going out on a date.

imnotsickbutimnotwell · 05/09/2023 07:16

Did you post about the hotel incident before and pretty much everyone said he was cheating but you believed his nonsense explanation?

You don’t trust him so your relationship is dead in the water. Get rid of him.

Themoonandtwopence · 05/09/2023 07:20

@Thequeenofwishfulthinking You will meet someone who won’t pull these stunts. Whilst your energy is taken up by this man you won’t be open to finding someone who will treat you properly.

This ^ with bells on.

Vallmo47 · 05/09/2023 07:26

I’m sorry OP. It’s not easy but a unanimous mumsnet speaks volumes. You will be sad for a little while but in the long run you will be a much happier person who can hold their head high.

EarringsandLipstick · 05/09/2023 07:35

Tilllly · 04/09/2023 23:14

Do you know where he is meeting her?

My friend had a similar situation a few years ago, and I and another friend went to the pub and watched

(We felt very Cagney and Lacey... to be fair, nothing happened. They had a good chat and a catch up, nothing in it at all)

Do you have a friend that he doesn't know, that could go see? To put your mind at rest, or confirm your concerns.

Why do people behave like this? If you don't trust someone, there's no point in continuing the relationship so just end it

The idea of sending mates to spy is ridiculous.

OP, in your case, this is painful to read. Of course something happened with the female colleague, and your instincts are correct here too. He doesn't deserve you - take control & end it.

GLORIAGloriarse · 05/09/2023 08:49

Tilllly · 04/09/2023 23:14

Do you know where he is meeting her?

My friend had a similar situation a few years ago, and I and another friend went to the pub and watched

(We felt very Cagney and Lacey... to be fair, nothing happened. They had a good chat and a catch up, nothing in it at all)

Do you have a friend that he doesn't know, that could go see? To put your mind at rest, or confirm your concerns.

Please don't do this OP. He's either going to see an old sexual partner knowing you don't like the idea and acting shiftily about it, or he isn't. I could understand wanting to do this after a marriage of 30 years but not a year's relationship. If you don't like how it's going, and this isn't the first example of his behaviour, then cut your losses.

Eviebeans · 05/09/2023 09:16

Ask yourself (if you haven’t already) what would be the final straw - what would he have to do to make you walk. I think for a lot of people it would have been before now. If something is making you unhappy it’s not worth it

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