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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Hairs- innocent or sign of cheating?

44 replies

Curious90 · 04/09/2023 19:40

I am pregnant and due to move in with my boyfriend next month, but ive recently got suspicious of him. I don't know if this is my hormones and the big step of moving in together playing tricks on me.
Me and my boyfriend have dark hair greys/ golden mingled in.
The other week I met my boyfriend 3 times and each time he had a grey hair on his hoody, the first 2 times it was just a single grey, the last time there were dark ones when I looked closer. But previous to that I didn't notice any grey hairs on his clothes for a month.
Should I be worried he's periodically cheating or could it be as innocent as hair shedding patterns are random and this is completely normal?
The hairs match mine and his, it's just strange to sometimes find multiple grey/ gold a week then go for months without seeing any.
It seems silly and I don't know if this is the right place but I want to be more rational before moving in and having the baby.

OP posts:

Raggammuffin · 04/09/2023 19:43

I don't know if this is enough to go on.

You said though that you were already suspicious. Why were you already suspicious?

randomusernam · 04/09/2023 19:51

Who is the top right picture of? That person has grey and blonde hairs so could it be them?

ComtesseDeSpair · 04/09/2023 19:59

I think you’re being paranoid, in the absence of any other kind of odd behaviour. Presumably he works with and is friends with people who have hair, and stands next to people with hair in shops, sits next to them on public transport? I regularly find hair that isn’t mine on my clothes. I presume it originates from one of the dozens of people who I sit near / who brush or run their hands through their hair around me or just drifts on the breeze of an open window or the tube ventilation. I’d be baffled if DH decided if was evidence of cheating.

cruffinsmuffin · 04/09/2023 20:00

You've said the hairs match yours and his?

Honestly I see absolutely zero problem with that, sometimes I shed hairs all over my husband, sometimes I don't! It's totally normal to randomly find your hairs on your partner, or their hairs.

Why have you been monitoring the grey hairs on his clothes for over a month? That's a wild level of checking on someone imo.

Thisisworsethananticpated · 04/09/2023 20:01

I rhino you need to pause and think very hard

are there genuine reasons to be suspicious ,( not here ) but have you a lot of indicators or things you can write down ?

or , are you pregnant , anxious and scared and having intrusive thoughts 💭 (very very possible also )

Original poster

Curious90 · 04/09/2023 20:50

I don't know if this is enough to go on.You said though that you were already suspicious. Why were you already suspicious?@Raggammuffin

I have trust issues caused by my ex manipulating and cheating on me. It's made my very hyper vigilant. I will be fine for months, even years but am so easily triggered by the smallest thing- the latest being finding a blonde hair on his hoody a few months ago. I matched it to mine (and now realise I have quite a few golden hairs) but since have been hyper vigilant to hairs and I notice every single grey or blonde. There's probably been about 8 over the last few months, but I'll notice them over a few weeks and then only see dark for a few weeks.
If it was a consistent pattern I wouldn't even doubt they were ours, it's just the pattern seems inconsistent so it makes me wonder if they are coming from elsewhere. But then rationally I can see it being down to hair shedding being random.

But other than this there's no suspicious behaviour

OP posts:

FizzyFucker · 04/09/2023 20:57

You've posted about this before. I think you should probably speak to a counsellor about your concerns.

Raggammuffin · 04/09/2023 21:04

No I was asking YOU, you said that you were already suspicious and I was wondering why.

Maybe you shouldn't move in together. Part of the reason for ''hyper vigilance'' is an insecure / anxious attachment style. I used to lean towards this attachment style and found that I spent whole relationships hoping I wouldn't be dumped. I was, repeatedly, and so eventually I realised, that when I was dumped I felt (in amongst all the other feelings) relief which helped me go in to the last relationship I ever had with the certain knowledge that I'd be ok when it ended. It lasted the longest in the end!

Brianna McWilliams has a lot of good videos on the insecure attachment style.

Original poster

Curious90 · 04/09/2023 21:04

@randomusernam that's my hair.
My partner has quite a few greys but his hair is much finer so it's harder to see.

If it was a consistent pattern I wouldn't even doubt they were ours, it's just the pattern seems inconsistent so it makes me wonder if they are coming from elsewhere. But then rationally I can see it being down to hair shedding being random.

OP posts:

Original poster

Curious90 · 04/09/2023 21:05

@randomusernam that's my hair.
My partner has quite a few greys but his hair is much finer so it's harder to see.

OP posts:

Original poster

Curious90 · 04/09/2023 21:06

@FizzyFucker errrr I don't think I have???? Are you confused?

OP posts:

Original poster

Curious90 · 04/09/2023 21:06

@FizzyFucker errrr I don't think I have???? Are you confused?
I've never even been on mumsnet before

OP posts:

Doggymummar · 04/09/2023 21:08

I think he must have been round mine, hair shedding like crazy due to menopause

SpamFrittersYouSay · 04/09/2023 21:11

You seem paranoid about this.
Did you say anything to your partner?
If so, what did he say?

Original poster

Curious90 · 04/09/2023 21:12

@ComtesseDeSpair
He works day to day with men, but there are women in the office who occasionally pop in. He also goes out on site to fit units in shops, schools etc. His mum visits, she is blonde. But he doesn't use public transport or go to crowded places.
Is this enough to bring random hairs in (even though I strongly believe they are his greys)

OP posts:

Whattodo112222 · 04/09/2023 21:12

Didn't you post about this before and receive a plethora of advice?

Original poster

Curious90 · 04/09/2023 21:15

@cruffinsmuffin
I found a blonde hair on his hoody a few months ago. I matched it to mine (and now realise I have quite a few golden hairs) but since have been hyper vigilant to hairs and I notice every single grey or blonde.
T
here's probably been about 8 over the last few months, but I'll notice them over a few weeks and then only see dark for a few weeks.

OP posts:

Iknowthis1 · 04/09/2023 21:15

You need to stop looking at stray hair on his clothes.

FizzyFucker · 04/09/2023 21:17

I'm not confused thanks OP.
Either you or someone else posted the exact same situation recently and was given lots of advice to seek help. It is not normal to obsess about checking your partners clothes for hairs.

SpamFrittersYouSay · 04/09/2023 21:19

I'd love to see your previous posts but I can't find them.

You sound hyper suspicious and that doesn't bode well. Monitoring hairs, given that they match your own, sounds a bit bonkers.
And yes, hair shedding isn't necessarily consistent. It can come in waves , as I and my daughter can testify to.

cruffinsmuffin · 04/09/2023 21:21

@Curious90

Hair shedding is definitely random! Can vary on so many factors so it wouldn't be something consistent you see 😊 you both have quite a few different coloured hair strands on your heads, so I can see blonde / gold / silver hairs coming from either of you! With having dark base hairs you're probably going to see more of those being shed, hence why you see dark more often.

Honesty whatever you can do to manage your issues from your ex might be a good place to start as as some PP have said, this is behaviour that seems to be coming from a place of issues you have rather than your partner doing anything 😊

Original poster

Curious90 · 04/09/2023 21:23

@FizzyFucker well it wasn't me... you seem as bad as me for throwing baseless, evidenceless accusations about!
It's also not normal to memorise every post on mumsnet and accuse people of already posting when they haven't... at least my obsessions concern my own life.

OP posts:

CinnabarRed · 04/09/2023 21:25

If you say it’s not you then it’s not you, but FWIW I recall the same thread that @FizzyFucker recalls - the facts were strikingly similar.

Ibetthatyoulookgoodon · 04/09/2023 21:25

This is ridiculous. It’s not even that hairs are not like yours (or his) but rather that they turn up infrequently that’s worrying you?? I appreciate anxiety and jealousy can be crippling so I’m sorry if I sound dismissive but you need to get some perspective; this is not normal and you need to focus on addressing your anxiety and not on what kind of hairs appear on his hoodie and with what frequency. Good luck

more vino · 04/09/2023 21:30

Sorry haven't read the whole thread. Could it be pet hair? Has he been in a different car?

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