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Original poster

Pregnant with twins, feeling ill but partner feels unappreciated

34 replies

MG2021 · 04/09/2023 14:32

I'm not sure how to react to my partner but I'm 10 weeks pregnant with twins and we have a 16 month old.
I've been really ill the last 4 weeks with nausea, vomiting and general exhaustion so he has been doing more or less everything for us all at home.
I have still been working other than a couple of days off sick when it has got too bad.
He's been off with me for a week or so now, I asked him is everything ok and he's told me he feels unappreciated.
Whilst I understand I might not have thanked him for every single thing he has done, I do think he could be a bit more symapthetic towards my situation too.
I'm a mixture between angry and upset - I would rather not have a blazing argument about it, but I'm not sure how to deal with what he's said now. I'm happy to thank him more - but I also think he could be far more sympathetic to my symptoms and how I am struggling - am I being unreasonable?

OP posts:
HedgehogB · 04/09/2023 14:34

Oh my goodness. Wait for all the responses on here - and then show him.

Pinkbonbon · 04/09/2023 14:50

Unappreciated for what exactly?
In what way?

I'd be tempted to be like 'I'm growing two of your fucking babies right now, how much more appreciation do you need!?'

But appreciation does he actually mean ass kissing? Because fuck that.

tescocreditcard · 04/09/2023 14:59

You say he's been doing everything for 4 weeks. Does that mean he's been working full time, looking after your toddler and doing all the cooking, cleaning, driving and laundry? Because if he has then yes, you need to be appreciative.

But if he hasn't. (and he probably hasn't) then you need to have a talk about expectations.

Frogger8395 · 04/09/2023 15:00

so he has been doing more or less everything for us all at home.

Is it the things you normally do? Or has he gone above and beyond and really looked after you?

If he’s just doing what you normally do, knock this on the head now. You don’t have to be appreciative of him looking after his own home. How pathetic if that’s the case.

Pinkbonbon · 04/09/2023 15:28

tescocreditcard · 04/09/2023 14:59

You say he's been doing everything for 4 weeks. Does that mean he's been working full time, looking after your toddler and doing all the cooking, cleaning, driving and laundry? Because if he has then yes, you need to be appreciative.

But if he hasn't. (and he probably hasn't) then you need to have a talk about expectations.

Does she though. If my partner was sick and pregnant I would take the reigns and do everything I can to make her life easier. I don't need appreciation for it. Its my responsibility as a father and husband. Appreciation is implied.

Sure the odd 'thanks love' would be great but something tells me this isn't what he means.

And absolutely what pp said about if he just wants appreciation for doing what you normally do. I'd say that 'so you want appreciation for doing everything I normally do, without appreciation? Why is that? Are you a mysoginist?'.

Newgirls · 04/09/2023 15:32

Ok just assuming he has some redeeming qualities… if he’s struggling now wait til there are babies. Do you two need to have a serious chat about how this is going to work. Can you afford any help? Cleaner? Family help? Nanny? Au pair? What tasks can be dropped? He’s said he can’t manage it all or feels overwhelmed so time to put plans in place so this doesn’t get worse

TeaAndStrumpets · 04/09/2023 15:43

Send him a lovely bunch of flowers OP.

DemelzaandRoss · 04/09/2023 16:07

I can’t imagine how tired you must be with a 16 month old plus twins on the way.
Your partner sounds selfish with no empathy. Does he really need thanking for everything single thing he does?
When the twins are born & you have a toddler, your life will be even busier. Not sure how he’ll cope.
Tbh, not sure what you can do to prepare them! Sending 💐 instead.

Pinkpots · 04/09/2023 16:23

Can you order a Thank You card sign it with lots of kisses and stick it in the living room. ( get the tackiest glitteriest biggest one you can find) Job done

crumblylancs · 04/09/2023 16:28

Absolutely fuck that, unless he's gone absolutely above and beyond and by that I do not mean just doing everything you normally have to do.. then he needs to suck it up and realise that you're growing 2 babies, the morning sickness can be bad enough with growing 1, especially around the 10 week mark! How is he showing his appreciation for you carrying his children?

StBrides · 04/09/2023 16:34

Does "underappreciated" mean less sex than he'd like?

Either way, this doesn't bode sell for your relationship.

pinkyredrose · 04/09/2023 16:38

What an immature point of view. He should be happy to take over the reins to support his family.

I guarantee that if a woman had spent just 4 weeks working, doing housework and looking after one kid she wouldn't be bleating about being unappreciated.

If he says it again tell him you know how he feels, all your efforts working, doing childcare, cleaning, washing his clothes and cooking his dinners have been unappreciated by him for yrs.

Thelonelygiraffe · 04/09/2023 16:41

Pinkbonbon · 04/09/2023 14:50

Unappreciated for what exactly?
In what way?

I'd be tempted to be like 'I'm growing two of your fucking babies right now, how much more appreciation do you need!?'

But appreciation does he actually mean ass kissing? Because fuck that.

⬆️👏👏

doodlejump1980 · 04/09/2023 16:43

Is he wanting thanks for doing the jobs you normally do without the need for a validating head-pat?! Good luck when the babies arrive! Hopefully he’ll buck his ideas up before then whilst you’re busy growing two humans ffs. Fist bumps to a fellow twin mum. You’ve got this

BookwormDadUK · 04/09/2023 16:44

As a man with a pregnant DW, I agree with the consensus. YANBU. I don't look after my wife to be thanked, I look after her to look after her. Nothing should be too much effort the person you love. I think yoir other half needs some perspective.

TomatoSandwiches · 04/09/2023 16:44

Ah another gem of a man thinking he has it harder than his pregnant sick partner.
Tell us more about the juvenile.

MultichildrenDad · 04/09/2023 16:48

What a knob. Shove two melons up his arse, make him drink a pint of vinegar, then tell him to change the bedsheets and cook you dinner. Let him feel.how the other half lives.

ZadocPDederick · 04/09/2023 17:11

How much appreciation has he shown to you for enduring 10 weeks of sickness (plus everything else that's to come) in order to produce his children?

LifeIsShitJustNow · 04/09/2023 17:11

You say he's been doing everything for 4 weeks. Does that mean he's been working full time, looking after your toddler and doing all the cooking, cleaning, driving and laundry? Because if he has then yes, you need to be appreciative.

Isnt that a pretty normal thing to do as a parent?

Why is it always considered as something out of this world when a man does that but it’s considered a mere inconvenience if it’s a mother (and she is told she needs to tell him what to do, give him specific responsibilities - but nowhere 50/50 etc…)

Maybe the OP should start expecting the same from him as soon as she is feeling a bit better? And then have a right go at him when he is under the weather with a cold because he isn’t able to ‘fulfill his responsibilities’?

Im sure that will go down very well with him. Or maybe not. As it should be if you have an ounce of compassion for someone who is ill (and being pg WITH NAUSEA bad enough you need to take days off etc… IS being ill)

Robinni · 04/09/2023 17:21

Going to jump right in here and say, without having rtft, you NEED to get a cleaner (to do floors, bathroom/s, kitchen, windows, ironing, maybe some washing). It will be enough for you to be picking up the kid detritus and bunging it in a box. Twins is exhausting from the beginning and you need all the help possible in place NOW.

If your partner has been doing everything yes you do need to be appreciative. But you both need to be realistic that the demands on you both are going to increase massively with three children under the age of three requiring your attention.

This issue with your husband is minor. You need to have in place childcare and cleaner all that or family in lieu of this in order that your relationship and family stays on an even keel in future. To my mind that is the bigger issue.

YouPutTheScrewInTheTuna · 04/09/2023 17:24

MultichildrenDad · 04/09/2023 16:48

What a knob. Shove two melons up his arse, make him drink a pint of vinegar, then tell him to change the bedsheets and cook you dinner. Let him feel.how the other half lives.

Love this 😀
Another fellow twin mum here OP (plus a toddler, but not quite your age gap), it's hard work - harder than you can even anticipate before they come, he needs to buck his ideas up now as trust me what he's doing today is a fraction of what he will need to do when there's 3 of them, and there won't be time for any "thank yous" either!
If he can't get into the "it's a team" mentality now then you'll all really struggle, wishing it's just a blip and all the best (and that you have family support) x

jannier · 04/09/2023 17:27

Pinkbonbon · 04/09/2023 15:28

Does she though. If my partner was sick and pregnant I would take the reigns and do everything I can to make her life easier. I don't need appreciation for it. Its my responsibility as a father and husband. Appreciation is implied.

Sure the odd 'thanks love' would be great but something tells me this isn't what he means.

And absolutely what pp said about if he just wants appreciation for doing what you normally do. I'd say that 'so you want appreciation for doing everything I normally do, without appreciation? Why is that? Are you a mysoginist?'.

Show quote history

Well said

Robinni · 04/09/2023 17:28

Yikes! Just read some of the earlier responses 😂😂

Partner should be shouldering more rn obviously… and maybe he is being petulant and immature, but maybe he’s been looking after toddler/doing all housework and cooking/working full time and is exhausted with no thanks…

There isn’t really enough info to judge.

Regardless, anyone I‘ve heard of with twins has a cleaner from as often as twice a week to once a month depending on age/work situation.

I think it would be sensible to discuss with your husband that things are not going to get easier and that you need to organise help in advance so that things go more smoothly.

jannier · 04/09/2023 17:28

Robinni · 04/09/2023 17:21

Going to jump right in here and say, without having rtft, you NEED to get a cleaner (to do floors, bathroom/s, kitchen, windows, ironing, maybe some washing). It will be enough for you to be picking up the kid detritus and bunging it in a box. Twins is exhausting from the beginning and you need all the help possible in place NOW.

If your partner has been doing everything yes you do need to be appreciative. But you both need to be realistic that the demands on you both are going to increase massively with three children under the age of three requiring your attention.

This issue with your husband is minor. You need to have in place childcare and cleaner all that or family in lieu of this in order that your relationship and family stays on an even keel in future. To my mind that is the bigger issue.

Most people can't afford a cleaner especially with twins.