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Original poster

Asking partner for petrol money

35 replies

elephanbee · 04/09/2023 12:28

My partner and I don't share finances,but we pay half of all bills. He payed more years ago when My wages were lower.

I will work out half of everything, including bus fayre and school meals for DC. I gave DC extra money to socialise with and factored this into payment. It was paid,but questioned as it was something he didn't previously agree to.

I buy the majority of DC essentials, he will buy bits as needed

I pay for the bulk of the shopping and house things need (we go together and there are 2 separate transactions)

I buy birthday/Xmas presents (he will sometimes buy his own bits and pieces to give to DC, but majority is from me

He pays for the majority of holidays with hostels/hotels etc.
He doesn't drive,so I will do all the driving to places

I will organise and pay for some trips/ experiences, generally more expensive accommodation etc.

He rarely asks me for a lift if he is going somewhere local. There is an event that he wanted to go to over the weekend. Public transport was expensive so I drove. It wasn't something I would have done without him,but had a good time.

I had an unexpected charge going to the place, so spent around £45 altogether.
I asked if it would be okay if he paid half on this occasion. He and DC were both quite shocked that I would ask, and mentioned that he pays for holidays.
When I mentioned £45, he replied 'that's a very specific amount' and that he would pay for all of it. I repeated it was only half that I asked for, but there was an atmosphere after this.

I'm not a tight person,but maybe it seems I am (if I am, I'm happy (is) to be told :)

OP posts:

moresleepthanks · 04/09/2023 12:34

Are the dc his?
Honestly if they are this seems a really odd way to behave.
Have you both sat down and worked out what your income coming in and your different expenses going out are?
Currently you both seem to feel a bit short changed but you both need to know what is actually happening with your finances.
Basically though if you are going to split everything then that means everything.

Namechange666 · 04/09/2023 12:39

My partner would have offered to pay half without asking and we pay half of everything plus treat each other as we earn the same.
I don't think you're wrong to ask... he is your partner after all.

Louisetopaz21 · 04/09/2023 13:52

I wouldn't dream of asking for petrol money neither would my dh. Although our finances are separate, we share our money and neither us would ever be short, I just prefer my own bank account for my independence but I wouldn't think twice at giving my dh my last tenner if he needed it. Neither us are disadvantaged.

baileys6904 · 04/09/2023 14:04

Depends you're being vague about the charge and the place.

If I took ds and dp to a theme park for example and ended up with a parking fine, I wouldn't ask for a Contribution and wouldn't expect him to pay it. Sounds like a bizarre set up tho

kitsuneghost · 04/09/2023 14:12

We have a similar set up
I pay bills, he pays rent. It comes out a bit equal
He pays for holidays, I pay the spending money

I wouldn't have asked for petrol money
We don't tend to nit pick at those kind of levels
£50 on household stuff - whoever pays, pays
£1000 new sofa would be more a 50/50

arethereanyleftatall · 04/09/2023 14:17

Your partner you say? His dc?

Honestly op, you must know this is batshit.

One pot once you have dc.

Katmai · 04/09/2023 14:30

My DH would have handed me a fistful of notes without a second thought and said "Here you are, is that enough?".

Perhaps the two of you need to sit down and sort this out properly. You're supposed to be a team, not keeping score against one another.

Whattodo112222 · 04/09/2023 14:32

Are they his kids too... context is everything...

Jacqsw · 04/09/2023 14:39

We used to bicker over who paid what, even when married and had two children. But I did get fed up with it and demanded a joint account. Now “we” pay for what “we”need. Personally I struggled with the division and lack of teamwork. It’s also really annoying to have to worry about if someone is calculating it correctly and the stress involved. I know you guys are trying to be fair, but each of you clearly worries their being shortchanged. That’s not equality even though the intension is there. Life’s too short to stress over money, if you trust each other not to clear out the account Or take advantage of each other, just get a joint account x

Original poster

elephanbee · 04/09/2023 17:07

Hi all, thank you for replying :)

We have DC together - I have suggested a joint account for outgoings, he didn't seem too keen, but I think it would be the easier way of doing things.

When DC was a baby, I tried to split present buying, but he didn't want me to 'charge him willy nilly' whenever I bought something - fair enough.

For DC friends birthdays it is myself that buys also - I do quite like present buying though, so I can't really put that on him

Yesterday there was something he wanted to do which was in London, so I drove - I had a congestion charge for following my satnav to the suggested street.

Its not like I count everything, it isn't like that - its just overall it doesn't seem to be divided equally (ish!)

OP posts:

gogomoto · 04/09/2023 17:26

It's seems a bit of a dysfunctional financial set up, wouldn't it be better to have a joint pot for family expenses then spending money for personal things

Janieforever · 04/09/2023 17:30

Agree that’s very dysfunctional and I can’t imagine agreeing to drive then asking my partner for 20 quid.

DelphiniumBlue · 04/09/2023 17:40

Given your set up, if he asked you to drive he should have offered to pay the costs not only of the petrol but of any parking etc, including the congestion charge - you would not have incurred it had you not been doing him this favour.
Who pays for the car insurance and maintenance? If he or the children benefit from having the car ( and driver) he should be at least contributing to that as well.
But it's not a great set up tbh, once you have children, wouldn't a joint account be better? It's not nice to be having to ask for money for family expenses.

Milkand2sugarsplease · 04/09/2023 17:56

If he's not keen on having joint accounts, could you not spend on a CC and pay it off each month, each contributing half?

Thisisthedawningoftheageofaquarius · 04/09/2023 17:57

It’s a lot of time and energy to track that… can ye not do a joint account for household / joint expenditure that covers everything? (You’ll need to do a sample months outgoing & divide by 12 any annual outgoings) The current system is not very efficient and leading to resentment (probably on both sides)
hope it works out better for you!

Bethanbee · 04/09/2023 18:09

I think it is odd asking your DH for money owed or your DH asking you for money owed but I think it is just the consequence of separate finances. If your money is separate then you can see how this would end up happening. If you are giving him money for things then you are going to want him to give you money for petrol used and so on.

Original poster

elephanbee · 06/09/2023 17:53

Thank you for your replies :) I pay for everything on my car..I think it can be a bit frustrating sometimes as I do all of the driving with costs incurred
I would love a joint account, the credit card was a great idea (hopefully I will be able to talk him round!)

OP posts:

jolaylasofia · 06/09/2023 18:11

can't believe you have separate transactions at the supermarket lol seems a very strange sort of relationship.

Anotherparkingthread · 06/09/2023 19:28

I have this set up and I don't see it as strange. I wouldn't want a credit card or joint account as being told how much I owe each month based on somebody else's spending habits is a recipe for resentment. I would hate it, i like having control of my finances. I actually think it's far easier to pay half and half as otherwise it gets messy quickly and one partner ends up worse off. In my relationship we are both very financially literate so perhaps that plays a part in it.

HowAmYa · 06/09/2023 19:59

Very odd setup. The 2 transactions at the supermarket is ridiculous, surely you know this!

So you weren't going to this place but he ask you for a lift there and then u got charged extra? I'd have just paid and told dp. But my dp would have just offered to pay it regardless as it was a favour.

You sound like two people who house share, or friends in a flatshare, but not a family with kids, surely just have a joint account to avoid such weirdly petty situations

HowAmYa · 06/09/2023 20:01

When DC was a baby, I tried to split present buying, but he didn't want me to 'charge him willy nilly' whenever I bought something - fair enough.

also omg. Charging?!

TomatoSandwiches · 06/09/2023 20:04

I think you should start saying no to lifts if he doesn't want to hand over petrol and congestion charge money.
I must be honest I can not relate to the way you deal with finances either tbh but if you are happy then 🤷

TomatoSandwiches · 06/09/2023 20:05

Who pays for DC food BTW?

muchalover · 06/09/2023 22:09

If the car is used for shopping, transporting any children or traveling to the airport B&Q, Drs appointments etc then it is a family car and costs should surely be shared equally? Just because your expected to drive doesn't make the cost your burden.

harerunner · 06/09/2023 22:55

If you're expected to drive, you should invoice him for your time at an agreed hourly rate commensurate for chauffeuring duties (as opposed to other hourly rates chargeable for other services you render like cooking, cleaning, blow jobs etc.).... or you could just get a joint account.

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